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Thread: When you're not in love...

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
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    When you're not in love...

    I have this friend, we've hooked up a lot of times in the past and he was kind of a jerk to me back then. We pulled apart and naturally became friends again, but this time, the friendship was better. We changed and he became a sweet heart. 8 months went by and we hooked up again. He confessed he had feelings for me while for me it was just a friendship, friends with benefits I would say. Time went by, I told him I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Thing is, we have friends in common, we're almost all weekends together because of this. We enjoy the same things, music, clubs etc but I made it clear from the start that I do not want a relationship. I made it clear a lot of times that we would never have anything serious, I have suffered enough this year for a guy I was madly in love with a guy for almost 2 years, to be honest I still like this guy. I bumped into him this week and I almost fainted lol, he seriously messes with my heart, but I'm ok and happy again, I've just accepted that we'll never be together and he'll never be mine, but I wish him happiness nonetheless. This was the only person I was in love with for this almost 3 years I'm single.

    I think I've grown attached to all my history with this friend and the fact the he treats me like a princess, but the thing is I am NOT in love with him. I have tried, I have given a lot of chances. I enjoy being with him but I don't get butterflies when I see him , I avoid being with him most of the time while he wants to see me everyday. I have no idea where to go from here. I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to hurt him. I've tried but I just can't fall in love with him. But now, "breaking up" with him will lead to us not being friends anymore, at least for a while. And that hurts me too.

    This was never supposed to happen, but it did, now I have to deal with this in the best possible way so I won't hurt him. I honestly have no reason not to want to be with him. We'd be the perfect couple except for the "not in love with him" part. It sucks but I can't force it anymore. Help :(

  2. #2
    Gold Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Before I say more, clarity question: Are you guys still hooking up? Or was that a one off thing?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't have to stop being friends but don't string him along. It seems you've explained all this to him, no?
    Originally Posted by Lovelavie
    I told him I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I made it clear a lot of times that we would never have anything serious

  4. #4
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    Just tell him you haven't recovered from your previous relationship.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I don't understand--are there two guys?

    What I'm reading is you hooked up with Guy 1 and he was a jerk. Then you became friends with Guy 1 again. Then you started hooking up with Guy 1 again, and Guy 1 acted nice. Guy 1 told you he liked you and you told him that you were not interested in anything beyond friends.

    Meanwhile, you are smitten with Guy 2 and expect to pine after him for the rest of your life in an unrequited love.

    Do I have that correct? If so, I think you are conflating two different issues. One issue is that Guy 2 rings some bell for you that Guy 1 doesn't ring. This first issue has nothing to do with the second issue, which is whether you want to continue stringing Guy 1 along or not.

    If you don't want to be selfish, then tell Guy 1 it's over, and that you will not be seeing him romantically anymore. Then deal with the consequences, which may be that he can't be friends with you and/or that you may have some awkward social moments.

  7. #6
    Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    if you truly care, then be honest with him and then let him make the decision. he may decide he can figure out how to be "friends" with you and then maybe fwb's as well fter that.
    BE TRUTHFUL to him and let him decide. tat's what somebody who truly cares about him would do.

  8. #7
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    Jibralta was dead on point here. You can't have it both ways- you should be honest with him and let the chips fall where they may. This could mean that he would be able to be friends with you, or it could mean that he would have to go his own way-- that he cares too much about you to just be your friend and he needs time away from you to move on.

    I just got out of a similar situation. I was dating a guy that treated me like a queen until recently. But I know deep down that theres no real connection- and I explained that to him. I know that i dont feel for him what he feels for me. We are still friends because I know he truly loves me and wants the best for me--these are the type of people that I want and need in my life. But life is too short to settle for a man just because hes a "good"man; I want the man for ME and he just wasnt it. But my guy friend is so sweet, kind and patient-- he really brought out the best in me and still does--so I can relate to why you want to keep your guy in your life as a friend.

    Good luck to you and I hope this guy can remain in your life as a friend. People like that dont come along everyday.
    Last edited by smJackson; 11-09-2018 at 07:41 AM.


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