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Slept with my work colleague


IroNic

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So, there’s a guy at work who’s really lovely-we’ve always gotten on really well. Conversation is stimulating, he’s ambitious and easy on the eyes. Such a cliche but a week ago in was a work night out and me and him ended up in a bar together, when leaving he asked me back to his place, I did hesitate but said okay. We slept together that night and I spent the night day just lying in bed talking with him about personal stuff. We briefly texted the Sunday and I had to speak to him the Monday night so he come over again. We chatted for a bit and he voiced concerns regarding he didn’t want work to be affected I reassured him it wouldn’t be, he stayed over that night, left his toothbrush here and went to work from mine. Now, since then we haven’t texted and he said he’s probably free this weekend. He’s said over and over he wants something long term and serious however doesn’t make the effort outside of work. I like the guy but I just hope someone is able to give some advice as to how to handle this situation.

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Does he mean being discrete at work? What would you like from this? If you want a dating situation go on outside dates on weekends and do not have last minute sleep overs on work nights. If you want casual or fwb then continue hooking up.

he voiced concerns regarding he didn’t want work to be affected

since then we haven’t texted and he said he’s probably free this weekend.

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He’s said over and over he wants something long term and serious however doesn’t make the effort outside of work. I like the guy but I just hope someone is able to give some advice as to how to handle this situation.

 

At this point, I wouldn't take him seriously as to wanting something "long term and serious." My thoughts are how can he determine that while you barely know each other, and haven't spend any time dating" Sleeping together twice is not dating.

 

I'm sorry but my guess is that this will amount to nothing, and will likely create an awkward situation in the work place. Either way, I would give this more thought.

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agree with the others. this seems more like a fling than something that will develop (always judge by what you see them DOING.... not what they SAY..)

I would give the toothbrush back to symbollically let im know he just can't prance in and prance out whenever he wants. either he commits or he doesn't. (unless you are okay with a discrete fling too... then leave it as is and don't worrry about the future).

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Yeah, I kinda ageee with the others. His leaving his toothbrush and telling you he wants a relationship are just breadcrumbs if his actions aren’t matching. See if he asks to take you out on dates. Or you can maybe offer going tour to lunch on a weekend day. LUNCH not dinner or drinks that will lead to sex. You’ll have your answer pretty quick.

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Yeah, I haven't contacted him an I'll wait to see if I hear from him over the weekend, either way I think we need to have a conversation about if we're both interested then we should date outside of work. Either way I'm not wanting casual, it's just so annoying as I do like the guy :icon_sad:

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Didn't you already have that conversation?:

 

"he voiced concerns regarding he didn’t want work to be affected" and "he wants something long term a however doesn’t make the effort"

 

It's pretty clear that he wants to be discrete about the hookups but 'does not make the effort for anything long term or serious'. Try to view double talk for what it is. He's ok hooking up as long as there is no work drama and he doesn't mind 'your place or mine' style hookups but he is not looking for a relationship.

I haven't contacted him an I'll wait to see if I hear from him over the weekend.
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Sorry to hear this. Just go to work, act natural, professional and be the same toward him as any other coworkers. Do not text outside of work, or anything personal and do not hang out or hookup again. Get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics and start messaging and meeting men you don't work with. That will help you refocus on more viable dating situations.

It’s now apparent I’ve been ghosted, any advice for how I move on from this in work? :/
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Yeah, I haven't contacted him an I'll wait to see if I hear from him over the weekend, either way I think we need to have a conversation about if we're both interested then we should date outside of work. Either way I'm not wanting casual, it's just so annoying as I do like the guy :icon_sad:

 

I think that you would do well to steer your "get-togethers" outside of yours or his bedroom and just chillax. You've been on two hookups and its far too early to tell if he's just wanting casual or he's seeing you with the intent on getting to know you and hopefully you are compatible enough to keep things headed towards seriousness.

 

Do not spill your guts to him right now... Instead suggest a date outside of the bedroom(s) and his answer will likely tell you all you need to know without sounding like a bunny boiler who thinks access to her "goods" means he has to be your boyfriend.

 

If you're going to sleep with someone immediately then you are really going to have to shut down your expectations of it leading to commitment. It COULD, but it isn't automatic.

 

It’s now apparent I’ve been ghosted, any advice for how I move on from this in work? :/

 

How so? You work together. Did he quit his job and change is number? O.o

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Totally agree with Thatwasthen.

 

You aren't dating, you are hooking up. That normally never amounts to anything.

 

If you want an actual boyfriend, keep out of the bedroom and actually date. Get to know one another, become good friends, see if you even are compatible.

That will go along way into building something great instead of jumping into bed right away.

 

How do you go about things now that he ghosted you? This is exactly why people don't date those they work with. It is very messy if it doesn't work out.

Truth be told, you can't do anything now but do your best to stay away from him which will be awkward seeing as you work together.

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He come over to mine after work on Monday and said he didn’t reply to my message because he didn’t know what to say. We talked for a while and he said he’s gotta sort himself out before he gets into anything serious basically “it’s not you, it’s me” which obviously I was gutted about but I agreed with him and we both said we’ll be professional in work, I also got that “you’re a really nice person, it’s just bad timing” :| Luckily he’s usually in another office however has popped over to mine theee times this week seemingly lingering around, taking an hour to complete a ten minute job. Things have been how they used to be but I still have this attraction to him which I can’t shake. I had to talk to him about work stuff today which again ended up taking like 30 minutes, he did the usual laughing and smiling. I’m struggling to move on as I haven’t felt that connection with anyone in such a long time :/

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I think that you would do well to steer your "get-togethers" outside of yours or his bedroom and just chillax. You've been on two hookups and its far too early to tell if he's just wanting casual or he's seeing you with the intent on getting to know you and hopefully you are compatible enough to keep things headed towards seriousness.

 

Do not spill your guts to him right now... Instead suggest a date outside of the bedroom(s) and his answer will likely tell you all you need to know without sounding like a bunny boiler who thinks access to her "goods" means he has to be your boyfriend.

 

If you're going to sleep with someone immediately then you are really going to have to shut down your expectations of it leading to commitment. It COULD, but it isn't automatic.

 

 

 

How so? You work together. Did he quit his job and change is number? O.o

 

He just didn’t reply to my message for a few days and then struggled to look at me at work before we spoke the Monday night, I ask him to come over to talk about it.

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Since you're clearly interesting in dating, why not focus on getting a nice profile and some good recent pics up on some dating site? Start browsing, start messaging and meeting men. This will shift your focus away form this and to more viable options. You won't feel a connection with anyone as long as you stay focused and a guy whose told you at least twice already that he doesn't want anything serious.

he said he’s gotta sort himself out before he gets into anything serious basically “it’s not you, it’s me” which obviously I was gutted. I also got that “you’re a really nice person, it’s just bad timing” :| I’m struggling to move on as I haven’t felt that connection with anyone in such a long time
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Since you're clearly interesting in dating, why not focus on getting a nice profile and some good recent pics up on some dating site? Start browsing, start messaging and meeting men. This will shift your focus away form this and to more viable options. You won't feel a connection with anyone as long as you stay focused and a guy whose told you at least twice already that he doesn't want anything serious.

 

I’ve tried internet dating before and it’s not been great, countless dates and no connections. I’ve recently come out of relationship like 3 weeks ago too so I’m thinking some breathing space is needed

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Perhaps you should focus on healing from that. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him from all social media and messaging.

 

Hopping into bed with a coworker and attempting to parlay that into a replacement relationship is doing more harm then good. It damages your self-respect, your work environment, your chances for dating appropriate and interested men.

 

It also makes you look and feel foolish in general and now at work in particular.. If all you want is hookups that should be easy enough to find anywhere. The is no "connection" because this coworker is not interested.

I’ve come out of relationship like 3 weeks ago
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Perhaps you should focus on healing from that. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him from all social media and messaging.

 

Hopping into bed with a coworker and attempting to parlay that into a replacement relationship is doing more harm then good. It damages your self-respect, your work environment, your chances for dating appropriate and interested men.

 

It also makes you look and feel foolish in general and now at work in particular.. If all you want is hookups that should be easy enough to find anywhere. The is no "connection" because this coworker is not interested.

 

I feel fine about that relationship, we were together for around 8 months and we broke up due to having different goals and life expectations; he was ready for kids now whereas I’m not. We also chose to stay friends and talk from time to time but nothing more. It was in no way a replacement nor did I ever think this situation with a work colleague would ever happen it just did after a drunken night out and again a few days later. I don’t think I look like a fool, it happened and we eventually talked it over like adults and remain professional; it’s only me and him who know. The problem I’m having is before anything even happened we got on really well as friends and I’ve bevome interested since that night. I’m professional and we have to speak near enough everyday, he’s been in my office several times this week when it’s not necessary. Forgive me for feeling a bit down about this, I just had my hopes up and now facing reality. Time will tell, thanks for your advice though.

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