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Thread: Seeking some insight..

  1. #1

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    Seeking some insight..

    Hi everyone! I am just seeking some insight on this situation of mine.

    Me and my boyfriend have been together almost 2 years. He has kids from a previous marriage. He is not legally divorced, but they have been separated for about 3 years in which he has started the process for the divorce

    His ex has their kids and always has since she’s left. She’s one of those spiteful females who has kept them away from him and used them against him etc out of spite and jealousy that she has not found anyone else/ moved on, though she is the one who chose to leave. And before I continue with the story I just want to mention that when things don’t go how she wants them to she goes off the deep end, calls and texts him to talk crap to him and then blocks his number (this has been a repeating cycle)

    Since we have been together he has only seen his kids a handful of times and of course it was on the ex’s terms as always and I know it hurts him to not be able to see them when he wants or as often as he would like. The times he has seen them she was around which I thought ok maybe this will just be a one or 2 time thing.. she lives 7 hours away from us and she randomly showed up at our house insisting that if he wants his kids for the weekend she has to able to stay at our house with them (happened 2 times that she stayed the weekend at our house)... which I had a major problem with because that’s just awkward and I know she doesn’t like me (I met her before those 2 times and the whole time she was saying how much she hated me and that I stole her place etc but once again SHE WAS THE ONE WHO LEFT HIM, and expected him to take her back eventually). The handful of times he’s seen his kids which also included her has been at our house and EVERY TIME I feel awkward and like I have to walk on eggshells in my OWN HOME. Which I then told him after the last time she stayed that she is no longer allowed to stay the night here and he agreed, because she is over dramatic and he can’t stand to be around her anyways.

    Fast forward, they have been getting along for a good month or so (it was never him who initiated any hostility it’s always been her). Since they’d been getting along I figured I would reach out to her and see if she would like to put any hostility she had towards me behind us for the sake of the kids because I know she will always be in my boyfriends life.. she did not want to do that, in fact she told my boyfriend she wanted nothing to do with me and that was fine with me. Since they’d been getting along I told him she should ask her if the kids can come stay at our house for thanksgiving break... seeing how she’s spent every holiday and birthday with them since they’ve been separated and they live with her... he asked her, and to no surprise she said “they can but I’m coming with them to stay”... now here is my issue. I do not mind if she comes to dinner but I will not let her stay at our house! I suggested she get a hotel for a couple of days and we would reimburse her with gas money. Nope she’s not having that, she doesn’t want to pay for a hotel. I know there are a lot of other people who have been separated/ divorced who have kids and never go through this kind of stuff. To me it literally seems as if she’s trying to force herself into our relationship and it is annoying. My boyfriend said ok to me not allowing her to stay at our house, but I know ultimately it will result in him not getting to be with his kids for the holiday.. I feel bad and even though he says he’s not mad at me it annoys me that she can’t just let him have his kids by himself.. i thought when he divorced it would make it easier with things like this, but he said they are still going to have joint custody so it will still play out the same. He said that if things can’t work out then he would eventually have to make a choice to leave me.. and I don’t think that s fair at all.

  2. #2
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    Has he never seen a lawyer about a formal visitation agreement?

    He must.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, I'd suggest that you open your eyes and look at facts. They are separated but very much still married. Neither one of them is pursuing a proper divorce and your bf is not pursuing proper custody and visitation rights through the courts as he should. Instead, he is choosing to carry on with his wife in this on/off humoring her, doing whatever situation while shacking up with you. She is his wife, OP, and you are the outsider. It's not her who is inserting in a relationship, it's you who is inserting in their completely dysfunctional relationship drama.

    If this guy you are with actually wanted his wife out of his life and truly wanted to see his children properly, he would have had that worked out long ago through his divorce lawyer and courts. He would be divorced, he would have proper custody and visitation in place. He hasn't done it, because this drama works for him and I would bet good money that if they start getting along again, he'll go running back to her regardless. He is addicted to drama and your warm bed is just a temporary stay.

    If I were you, I'd walk away from this and never ever again get involved with someone who isn't actually divorced, healed, have their life sorted, and genuinely ready for a new relationship. Don't volunteer to be a rebound crutch to anyone.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Has he never seen a lawyer about a formal visitation agreement?

    He must.
    Well, I agree, I think that one big issue here is that in two years your boyfriend hasn't taken any legal proceedings towards the ex-wife regarding custody of the kids. I understand that it must cost a lot of money but maybe something can be figured out because this can't just go on forever. I don't see why his only choice is to end the relationship with you when no doubt the same problem will arise even with another woman! The ex-wife is the problem so this will just keep happening. Has anything been done about this legally? Why does the ex-wife have full custody and call all the shots?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's recruited you in his ongoing divorce and war with his wife and you have believed all the stories about the horrible psycho-witch who won't let him see the kids etc nonsense married men tell the women they are with.

    Stay out of it. Tell him to see a lawyer for formal visitation/custody arrangements. It's not her fault he never bothers to go see them. It sounds like they are trying to get back together and he's camping out in your house until then.

    He currently lives in your home? Tell him to stop letting her go there. Sadly it sounds like you are a bed and breakfast for a guy in the throes of divorce and he has you so focused on what a monster she is that you are blind to the fact that this entire relationship is about them and their contentious divorce and not about building anything with you.

    Do not reach out to her. Most importantly do not let her in your home. Let your bf see his children at a relative's or at the mother's or at his own place. What you and your bf are doing with ad hoc visitation is very confusing and damaging to the children.

    It's your bf's own fault he can't/won't see his kids because he is too lazy/cheap to get his own place and instead expects you to not only host him, but his wife and kids. You are acting like Motel 6 combined with the social welfare department. He and his wife and crazy life departing your life would be a blessing. Then you could find a decent man whose focus is on you not his wife.
    Originally Posted by mysterious1
    He is not legally divorced. SHE WAS THE ONE WHO LEFT HIM. I have to walk on eggshells in my OWN HOME.

    Which I then told him after the last time she stayed that she is no longer allowed to stay the night here and he agreed, because she is over dramatic and he can’t stand to be around her anyways.

    My boyfriend said ok to me not allowing her to stay at our house, but I know ultimately it will result in him not getting to be with his kids for the holiday.. He said that if things can’t work out then he would eventually have to make a choice to leave me.

  7. #6

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    He has not had the money for a divorce, we have been struggling financially for some time and just recently getting caught up which is why he is just now starting the divorce process . I was not working for awhile so he had been paying every single bill: rent, electric etc. he also pays child support for another child he had before he was married. Since they are still legally married there is no set custody, that’s why she has them. She took them with her when she left. He can legally go take them from school or her (if she would just let him take them but she won’t) but it would just be an on going thing.

  8. #7

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    Seeking some insight..

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's recruited you in his ongoing divorce and war with his wife and you have believed all the stories about the horrible psycho-witch who won't let him see the kids etc nonsense married men tell the women they are with.

    Stay out of it. Tell him to see a lawyer for formal visitation/custody arrangements. It's not her fault he never bothers to go see them. It sounds like they are trying to get back together and he's camping out in your house until then.

    He currently lives in your home? Tell him to stop letting her go there. Sadly it sounds like you are a bed and breakfast for a guy in the throes of divorce and he has you so focused on what a monster she is that you are blind to the fact that this entire relationship is about them and their contentious divorce and not about building anything with you.

    Do not reach out to her. Most importantly do not let her in your home. Let your bf see his children at a relative's or at the mother's or at his own place. What you and your bf are doing with ad hoc visitation is very confusing and damaging to the children.

    It's your bf's own fault he can't/won't see his kids because he is too lazy/cheap to get his own place and instead expects you to not only host him, but his wife and kids. You are acting like Motel 6 combined with the social welfare department. He and his wife and crazy life departing your life would be a blessing. Then you could find a decent man whose focus is on you not his wife.
    It is not just my home. We got it together, if anything it’s more his home than mine seeing how I just started working again after not working for a year. And these stories are not from what he tells me, I have witnessed it. Also neither of us have a vehicle at the moment due to financial issues, and when we did have a vehicle she refused to still let him see his kids. He is far from lazy. And he has been nothing but honest with me.

  9. #8

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    Seeking some insight..

    I do not blame my boyfriend for anything, other than allowing her to stay the night the two times she has and tolerating her BS for the sake of his kids. He is not trying to get back with her at all. I’m a pretty smart person and I know personally there are always 2 sides to a story when there is 2 people involved. I have heard his side and I have heard her side the very first time I’d ever met her when she kept saying how much she hated me etc. the first year him and I were together she would religiously call and text wishing we were both dead etc.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OP, I'd suggest that you open your eyes and look at facts. They are separated but very much still married. Neither one of them is pursuing a proper divorce and your bf is not pursuing proper custody and visitation rights through the courts as he should. Instead, he is choosing to carry on with his wife in this on/off humoring her, doing whatever situation while shacking up with you. She is his wife, OP, and you are the outsider. It's not her who is inserting in a relationship, it's you who is inserting in their completely dysfunctional relationship drama.

    If this guy you are with actually wanted his wife out of his life and truly wanted to see his children properly, he would have had that worked out long ago through his divorce lawyer and courts. He would be divorced, he would have proper custody and visitation in place. He hasn't done it, because this drama works for him and I would bet good money that if they start getting along again, he'll go running back to her regardless. He is addicted to drama and your warm bed is just a temporary stay.

    If I were you, I'd walk away from this and never ever again get involved with someone who isn't actually divorced, healed, have their life sorted, and genuinely ready for a new relationship. Don't volunteer to be a rebound crutch to anyone.
    I agree with this and do not buy the excuses you wrote about as to why he is married in this situation and why you are involved with a married man, especially one who is in this situation with his wife and children.

  11. #10
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    Well, your only course of action is to talk to a family law attorney and get the courts involved. If your boyfriend files for a legal separation, the courts can work out custody and visitation rights. Until then, you're at the ex-wife's mercy. As Dancing Fool has said, they're still married and she's in denial. And just because she was the one to walk out doesn't automatically make her the bad guy. Something happened in their relationship. And quite honestly, you should try everything to stay out of it. To her, you're the "other woman." She's only going to give you grief. And you both should make talking to a lawyer a priority.

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