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Thread: Duality feelings, what to do?

  1. #1
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    Duality feelings, what to do?

    Hi,

    I had another post a week ago about somebody that I liked very much, but didnt ask out first. We had our last school session some months ago and I have always felt attraction to him, but we never made a move, maybe to shy or I dont know what happened.
    Now since he had so many possibilities and didnt ask me out I assume he is not interested. But the other side of the medal is that when somebody matters to me just like him, I am not myself when I see him, I get trapped in emotions, is like my brain says "panic now and shut down your mind so you cannot find any conversation opener" I mean I can find conversations to talk about but I think I am funnier and more attractive with other people where I dont feel pressed by emotions. So, for this reason I do not express myself fully and maybe he didnt get the right attention from me.

    Whatever may be the reason the reality is he didnt ask out, I felt attraction, I felt really bad when I didnt get to see him anymore, like I lost something, the emptyness you feel in your stomach, but with time this passed. I still like him, but not that emotional, emptyness and other bad emotions have passed.
    Now next week there is an activity where we can participate. I would love to go, since in my university they havent done something like this in 4 years. But the possibility of him being there, I dont know... I started feeling again that anxiety inside me that I may feel trapped by emotions, he doesnt pay attention to me, then I develop feelings and lastly after the activity I come home devastated. I am between "I would love to see him again" and between "I dont wanna destroy this inner peace I have developed inside me" since the last time I saw him. Any advice guys?

    I am a bit weird tho by having this duality, I like him so much and seeing him would make me feel bad. But this is also something that comes from low confidence I think, because somebody I like so much cant approach me. I feel like I am doing something bad and it is not that hes not attracted, hes just not so interetsed from my actions. Not sure if you get this but I ma afraid he hasnt asked me out not because he doesnt likes me at all, but because I cannot give my best when I am with him. You could say find somebody who makes you bring out the best, well proved this happens me with everybody that matters, I cannot be free to reveal my true self which is funny and easygoing and gives positive energy.
    The other factor why I feel a bit pressed there is cause there are no girl friends in this group, only a bunch of guys and me and always has made me a bit uncomfortable. I could only talk with him when alone and otherwise he too.
    Last edited by successthis; 11-08-2018 at 08:58 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you have a crush on him and there is an event you may see him at, go to the event and have some polite small talk with him. At least be friendly. He may or may not be interested "because of your actions". Perhaps he has a gf or is simply not interested. Perhaps you come across as snobbish and hard to talk to. You can't change things if he has a gf or is just not interested. However you can change being aloof and hard to talk to. It's up to you.
    Originally Posted by successthis
    We had our last school session some months ago and I have always felt attraction to him. the reality is he didnt ask out.
    Now next week there is an activity where we can participate.

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    Ok I am there and trying to be cool and friendly. But in my mind I have all the upcoming events while talking to him like: he's not gonna ask me out, the event will finish, I'll recall again the feelings and I'll go home like destroyed again.I ma apositive person in general, dontn know why, but maybe I am being a bit negative with these thoughts and overthinking it.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are at the event and he is at the event at this time? You have 2 choices. Be polite and talk to him or hide and be weird. Being ridiculously dramatic such as "you'll be destroyed" if some guy you have a crush on doesn't ask you out, is creating your own problems. He's never asked you out before so why would this be different? You didn't self-destruct all the other times he never asked you out.
    Originally Posted by successthis
    I am there and trying to be cool and friendly. he's not gonna ask me out, the event will finish, I'll recall again the feelings and I'll go home like destroyed again.

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    Just cannot bare this being friendly and talk to him. I start talking too many unnecessary things when I feel emotionally trapped. Once I complimented his friend when he was there for hist T-shirt out of the blue, without having been talking during the whole conversation they were having, so weird. You see I cannot behave like a normal girl to be approached.

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    Look, will you just ask him out. He has no idea you're interested in him. Why do you think he would know to ask you out? Have you seen him ask out anybody else?

    Do you know his Facebook or Instagram account? Ask him out there. Is he on WhatApp or Google Hangouts or whatever so you can text him? I mean, asking him out is a lot easier than enduring all this misery!

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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Look, will you just ask him out. He has no idea you're interested in him. Why do you think he would know to ask you out? Have you seen him ask out anybody else?

    Do you know his Facebook or Instagram account? Ask him out there. Is he on WhatApp or Google Hangouts or whatever so you can text him? I mean, asking him out is a lot easier than enduring all this misery!
    I see, you always have a good point at every comment of yours. I'll try as much as I can, but I'm not very daring when it comes to these things. Thanks

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    because somebody I like so much cant approach me. I feel like I am doing something bad and it is not that hes not attracted, hes just not so interetsed from my actions.
    This is the kind of magical thinking that can ruin your life.

    Go to the event. Everyone gets nervous around a crush--that's why they call it a crush. You'll have plenty of crushes in your life, if you're lucky, so you may as well use this one as practice to grow a thicker skin and learn how to interact and be friendly.

    Don't fool yourself that there's some magic spell you must cast in order to be regarded as dating material, and if you don't perform well enough, you've somehow blown it. Not only is that too much pressure, it's also narcissistic. A coworker may not consider dating anyone on the job, or he may have someone else in his life, or at least in his vision. There can be any number of reasons having nothing to do with you why someone won't take even your very best 'bait'.

    Curbing your life to avoid a crush is the opposite of a good way to overcome it. We learn social skills by socializing MORE, not by hiding in a closet, and certainly not by shrinking and playing small in favor of living in our head.

    Fantasy is expensive. I'd work to disabuse myself of it rather than cater to it.

    Head high.


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