Originally Posted by Aeryn22
I'm sure I could point out all kinds of reasons for why I might have my casual attitude about sex: , I have low self-esteem so it just feels good to have the attention, etc. Are any of them truly the reason? Maybe, I don't know.
I love my husband as a partner in life most of the time. And we actually have great sex together! He has been there for me through some tough situations, and he claims that he'd be dead if not for me. That last piece... it sounds romantic but I know he means it. He suffers from suicidal depression. It has become worse over time, starting with events that happened with his job shortly before we married, after we got engaged.
Things have become worse and worse for us, financially, over the course of our marriage. Often I do blame it on him. Not to his face, never to his face, but I've been working full-time for the whole marriage and he has been scraping by working part-time. He changed careers and stopped working for several months to go back to school, then after he got certified he realized he hated the new career and went back to the one he originally went to school for, leaving us about $5000 in debt for nothing. The original one, which he still does now, requires lots of networking, but he can't push himself to do that, so he makes barely any money. So I do get resentful, feeling like I work hard and it's his fault we can never get ahead. He knows he isn't pulling his weight, and feels bad. But he just sinks into depression instead of letting it motivate him to take action. I have always comforted him, assured him we'd get through it, etc.
I guess the more I think about it, the more unhappiness I find within myself. I have always had to be the strong, mature one in our relationship. He has always let me wear the pants, despite me always saying I want to be equal with my husband, not his mom or his boss. I handle all the finances. I plan and cook all the meals. I do almost all the grocery shopping. Whenever we need to move, it's up to me to find a new apartment. When either of us wants to find a new job, I have to be the one to find it unless a friend of his knows someone who is hiring. If I am upset about something, I have to be careful that I don't trigger him to be depressed if I try telling him about my problems, because that will be worse than struggling on my own with what makes me unhappy. Then I'm still unhappy but have to focus on making him feel better.
I'm sure there's more I could say but I am running late getting ready for work. But wow, I had no idea how much was festering inside me. What do I do with this? I am about 98% certain that if I asked for divorce, he would kill himself. He is a good, kind, generous, funny man who is loved by so many people in our life. How could I possibly do that?
Edit: I feel I need to add that he has actually been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes his depression, and he does take medication and see a therapist about it. He is bipolar, and his meds seem to stop the manic episodes but they no longer seem to do much for the depression. He has had his meds adjusted many times.