Should women pursue men?

Hello world, I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

I’ve dated a lot to know how to distinguish bad men.

Last year I listed our 12 guys I’ve dated and I choice looks over personality. And it all went pretty bad...lol my fault..

This year, some of my gifted psychic friends said to meet guys that are not so good looking but has a great personality & heart.

So....I gave it try...and the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him.

All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men. And idk why?

I want to pursue these men, but I’m scared.

How should I pursue? What should I do?

What should I say? Should a women pursue men?

Let me know your thoughts

 

This year, some of my gifted psychic friends said to meet guys that are not so good looking but has a great personality & heart.

 

So....I gave it try...and the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him.

All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men. And idk why?

 

My best guess at the moment would be that men's initial attraction doesn't stem from "intellectually stimulating conversation."

There needs to be that physical attraction and chemistry.

Since that wasn't there, which you admit yourself, they simply weren't interested in pursuing further.

I am not a man so that's just a guess!!

Edit: Why can't you seek both? Physical attraction/chemistry AND intellectual compatibility? Those two things are not mutually-exclusive, they can and do exist within one person.

Re your pursuing these men, when you've had a date(s) with a man and he "ghosts," let him stay ghosted. JMO on that.

What do you mean by "ghosted" here? Are they not contacting you, or are they not responding to your messages or phone calls?

I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

 

I want to pursue these men, but I’m scared.

What is "AF" ?

I don't see anything wrong with females pursuing men, but I don't think it's a good idea in pursuing men who have already ghosted you and/or lost interest. That would not look good at all, imo.

No one, man or woman, should pursue someone who "ghosts" them or otherwise is obviously disinterested. There isn't a single man worth a damn out there who would genuinely be into a woman only to read her text and say, "Ugh, she's asking me out? I get that it's 2018 and all but geeeeewhizzzzzz... NEXT."

But trying my best not to be too harsh, if you're the type to take advice from "psychic friends," there's a good chance the intellectual stimulation may not be going both ways on these dates. There are plenty of attractive and "intelligent" people out there in the world. It kinda says something about someone if they're actively pursuing one as though it's exclusive from the other.

(PS - "AF" means "as f*ck.")

ETA: I don't know what kind of intellectually stimulating conversation you're referring to specifically, but it's worth noting that a lot of people aren't terribly fond of philosophical or political diarrhea on a first date, even if they are topics they're well versed in. It's often best to keep the conversation a bit lighter when getting to know someone. They may well entertain the topics during the date, but once finished would rather pursue someone who can broach some topics that are a bit more fun.

I want to pursue these men, but I’m scared.

How should I pursue? What should I do?

What should I say? Should a women pursue men?s

Lots of people will tell you that it's fine for women to pursue men. But what I see on this board is that a lot of people are freaked out by it, and tell women that they are being 'needy' or 'clingy' when they pursue a guy. So, you can't win lol.

 

Hello world, I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

 

 

("AF" means "as f*ck.")

So she's "single as f*ck"?

I had no idea what this meant so looked it up and "single AF" refers to a woman who has not had sex (um, been laid) in awhile.

Okay so I really felt the need to write you because I'm also SINGLE A F lol, and we're very similiar in the fact that I too, unfortunately in my past focused on looks a lot.

All the guys ive dates for the most part have had really great personalities as well, but theyve just had commitment issues. so to answer your title: Should women pursue men? I really think it's personally preference and It depends. I'm not a fan of going of to a guy and saying hello, you have a great smile FIRST, I think what makes a man a MAN is making the first move on ME. So I give them the opportunity of confidence in doing so, since I'm trying to attract a man with confidence and no shame in pursuing me, I prefer for them to come to me. However, in your case why did you ghost them? Are you scared of being in something committed? or where you just not into any of these men? It just sounds like you werent into them, because when someones into somebody "ghosting" is not even a possibility in their mind. I think your focus shouldnt be so all over the place in looks and personality, because both exist in one person.. you need to start learning to rethink the way you've been thinking, and start manifesting and focusing on someone who you find attractive and has a interesting personality. Thats it! Set it in your mind, and focus on manifesting a balance of a man who is your perfect match and who is right for you.

Hahaha in my day AF was Aunt Flow... lol

 

However, in your case why did you ghost them?

Granted I've been feeling off lately but fairly certain OP said that they ghosted her.

And she doesn't know why.

Just text or call them and ask what's up? Would you like to meet up for coffee? Sometimes guys get scared about being rejected and are afraid to follow up. If they don't pick up the ball and meet you, then you know they're not interested.

Never go after anyone who suddenly drops off. The reasons behind their silence may have nothing to do with you, but you would definitely come off as desperate to pursue anyone who decided they no longer care about replying to your texts/calls.

I agree with other posters. You should look for the whole package, if what you're seeking is a long-term partner. Take anyone not sticking around as a sign that the person is not for you and move on. As far as whether or not it's okay to be the one to initially approach a guy, I personally think it's fine (and do it occasionally) but again, don't be too aggressive. Healthy bonds occur organically and do not need to be forced.

Don’t pursue anyone who disappears. Focus on equal effort, it’ll happen. A lot faster if you make sure not to waste time on men who are at best like warm. Good luck!

No one, man or woman, should pursue someone who "ghosts" them or otherwise is obviously disinterested. There isn't a single man worth a damn out there who would genuinely be into a woman only to read her text and say, "Ugh, she's asking me out? I get that it's 2018 and all but geeeeewhizzzzzz... NEXT."

 

LOL, so true!

Good point about "equal effort" and I agree.

Which begs the question, OP have you made the effort to reach out to him (or them)? You know "equal effort" and all that.

If not, does that mean that you have disappeared too? Ghosted them?

Or does it mean that you both ghosted each other?

I'm not being obtuse, I promise, but all this analyzing about them disappearing and ghosting when you haven't made any effort to reach out either doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

Now if you believe that men should do all the initiating in the early stages, and that the women sits back and makes zero effort, that's different.

Hardly sounds fair, but is that what you believe OP?

Hello world, I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

 

I’ve dated a lot to know how to distinguish bad men.

Last year I listed our 12 guys I’ve dated and I choice looks over personality. And it all went pretty bad...lol my fault..

 

This year, some of my gifted psychic friends said to meet guys that are not so good looking but has a great personality & heart.

 

So....I gave it try...and the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him.

 

All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men. And idk why?

 

I want to pursue these men, but I’m scared.

How should I pursue? What should I do?

What should I say? Should a women pursue men?

 

Let me know your thoughts

I think you are assigning more interest to men than they have or you have because your "psychic friend" told you that you should consider guys that are not so good looking and therefore you are assuming all the guys who are not 10's are automatically interested in you if they carry on a conversation with you. I think that you should keep meeting new guys and when one is interested, they will ask you out again. I guarantee he will.

Its like someone i used to work with - a psychic told her that she would meet a man named joe on a boat and she would marry him. well guess what? on the weekends she worked on one of those river cruise casino boats - she was always on a boat. Joe is an EXTREMELY COMMON NAME. In fact, even more so in her age group (i mean, you don't hear it as much with all the Calebs Hunters and Liams now but over 35 there are TONS of Joes so the first Joe she comes across she is automatically hangs on all his words and she starts dating him. He proposes and she says "i don't think i love him" but married him anyhow.

Because you know, the psychic lady said so!

I don't understand why you would want to pursue anyone who had ghosted you? Certainly, you expect more for yourself.

Answer to your first question: Should women persue men?

Why should it be a "thing" in this day and age? It is all about Gender equality now. So that said I am not sure why we still live in a society with outdated concept on dating.

Gone are the days women stay home minding the kids and cooking apple pies. Women are out there in the world earning and just as successful as men all while raising a family.

Laws have now made it that we have rights and are on level playing feild with men finally.

That said why should a women wait around for a man to "make the first move" when it comes to dating. Let's say a women really wants something like a promotion in her firm. She will fight just as hard as her male counterparts. Again equal in their efforts.

So why is it the case that if a women really wants a "date" with someone she is weak or "needy" for her to take control and reach out first?

I believe a women can pursue a man if she so pleases. Same way a man can persue a women.

This does not mean pushing someone who clearly not interested. Like if someone after you initaited to meet again. Or made the first message after a date isn't responsive then there is your answer. But this would be the same is a man was pursing a women and she wasn't interested. So I think women have the right to persue a man in the same way too.

The whole ghosting concept now is a separate issue. Depends on what she means by them just ghosting. Is it them not texting after the first date? Or them outright ignoring her messages?

No one - women are man should chase someone who is outright "ignoring" them. That is someone who needs to go!

On the other hand. Let's say they didn't follow up on a date. I personally don't see it as a negative a women reaching out.

I have been on first dates where by time I got home they guy has said thank you for a lovely date and asked if I got home okay. I've also been on dates when they haven't so I would message saying "thank you for the date it was lovely". As what ever way you look at it I am thankful for their time!

I have been on a first date where one of the guys message me saying it was lovely to meet me and how he had a lovely time. I replied and within that train journey home we planned our 2nd date.

Now on the 2nd date he tells me how he was "scared" to message me as even though our first date was really lovely you can never be sure if the other person felt the same.

Which is true after a first date you have no idea if your date is enjoying it as much as you. He said he was so pleased when I replied very postive and we planned to see each other again. Funny enough he eventually became my boyfriend.

So let's say get was to scared to text me that evening. Scared I would reject him? I wouldn't of had the beautiful memories I ended up having with him. Reason being society dictates it's "wrong to persue a man".

As I know if I told my friends I was on an amazing date and I didn't hear back from him the next day... They would tell me to block and run!

This is why after any first date whether they messaged first or not. I would always say thank you for the date. As it's polite. I'm not losing any of my dignity if they never reply. At least I was decent enough to thank someone.

So should a women persue a man? Yes why not we live in a world where we are eqaul.

So to address the issue of as to why you was ghosted!

Again without understanding if they simple didn't message you first after the date.

Or they just ignored your messages after.

It's hard to ever really know why someone just switches off even if they appear they enjoyed the first date. Like I said in my post above it could be they are "too scared" to make the first move as they are not sure if you enjoyed it like they did.

Men are just as insecure are women. We paint them to be big strong lions and truth is they get just as scared of rejection as we do. Really they are just cats too.

So maybe following the date they are scared as they felt you wasn't that into it... Who knows?

That said you usually date "good looking guys". So I'm guessing you must be some what attractive yourself. Just speculating but men are visual and if you are dating hot guys I'm guessing they would want to date a hot women. I'm not saying that's how it always is and people are shallow. I am just assuming.

So you've taken your psychic friends advice and now dating not as "attractive" men.

I'm not a massive believer in the whole "leagues" thing but it is very real to some people. This obviously means although you are having great intellectually stimulating conversation with these men. They are more than likely sitting there thinking "she is way too good for me".

So put yourself in their shoes. You go on a date with a man a little out of your league. You are not sure how the date went... You get home and you don't hear back from him. You would think he obviously doesn't find me attractive. How could he as he is like a 10 and I'm not. I'm sure these guys must probably feel the same too. Like it's too good to be true to get on with someone on an intellectual level and they are also stunning!

Maybe it's a case of "she's too good for me". So dropping that text after a date saying you had a lovely time isn't a bad idea in my opinion on these sort of dates.

Only reason I say this in my last thread on this forum I said I am driven by personallity. It has lead to me dating guys that aren't the most handsome. I have had friends say he is "punching above his weight" and all sorts. I think the last guy I dated one of my friends said: "You’d be that couple where people are like

How the hell did he get with her"

That is copy and pasted straight from the group chat.

This is what people see when you date someone who isn't all that to look at and you are attractive. Guys also think that way too as I've had a guy outright tell me on a date "you are too good for me and you could do better".

So keep that in mind when dating people who are a little bit below your "league" as they won't be the most confident people to date.

That said don't ever settle for anyone if you have a "type" go for it! You are doing yourself an injustice by dating not so good looking guys because your friend said so. Yes they probably have nicer personalities but you also can't force physical attraction.

We will never know why these guys ghost you. It's probably more painful to get ghosted by a not so attractive guy but know men have their insecurities too.

Best of luck!

Well, this sort of goes back to the age-old question of "why are all the guys who ask me out idiots? Is it me?"

In a way, yes, because the "idiots" have no shame and don't fear rejection, and they've learned that if they ask enough girls, someone will go home with them.

The sensitive ones are like some of the guys posting On ENA who ask whether some girl that looked at them might like them or not. Or they've wondered for 3 years whether to ask a girl in school out.

If there's a guy you like, ask him out, or at least make a strong suggestion like "you should ask me out for coffee sometime" or something like that. Don't wait 3 years.

Sometimes a guy just needs a little encouragement.

If you are "dating" men who you immediately friendzone then of course they will ghost. Dating out of boredom or loneliness is not a good reason to date. Are you on dating apps? If so, it's fine to message men since you are on the apps indicating you are single and want to date. As far as "pursuing", if there is no mutual interest in a second date as indicated by not asking you out or not responding to your communication, then it's time to move on, not "pursue".

With online dating, there are a lot of one-and-done meets. In those instances it's also not a good idea to "pursue". You seem to be worried about being single and having less success than you hope for with meeting men and dating. Have you reflected on why that is? Are you using a lot of crass "AF" type language in messages or when you are on dates? Perhaps you need to clean up your writing and speaking style.

the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him. All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men.

No one, man or woman, should pursue someone who "ghosts" them or otherwise is obviously disinterested. There isn't a single man worth a damn out there who would genuinely be into a woman only to read her text and say, "Ugh, she's asking me out? I get that it's 2018 and all but geeeeewhizzzzzz... NEXT."

 

But trying my best not to be too harsh, if you're the type to take advice from "psychic friends," there's a good chance the intellectual stimulation may not be going both ways on these dates. There are plenty of attractive and "intelligent" people out there in the world. It kinda says something about someone if they're actively pursuing one as though it's exclusive from the other.

 

(PS - "AF" means "as f*ck.")

 

ETA: I don't know what kind of intellectually stimulating conversation you're referring to specifically, but it's worth noting that a lot of people aren't terribly fond of philosophical or political diarrhea on a first date, even if they are topics they're well versed in. It's often best to keep the conversation a bit lighter when getting to know someone. They may well entertain the topics during the date, but once finished would rather pursue someone who can broach some topics that are a bit more fun.

I agree 100% with this. There's no harm in asking a guy out who is already somewhat interested, BUT inviting/pursuing guys who ghost or show low interest is never a good idea. I'm guilty of having done this in the past and it never worked on my favour.

Also, physical attraction and intellectual attraction aren't mutually exclusive and can coexist in the same person. Besides, physical attraction doesn't exactly need to be to guys who look like models. I've felt very physically attracted/lots of chemistry to guys that most people would consider average looking. Sometimes after you get to know the person better you might even feel more physically attracted. But some sort of physical attraction must be there in the beginning.

Lots of people will tell you that it's fine for women to pursue men. But what I see on this board is that a lot of people are freaked out by it, and tell women that they are being 'needy' or 'clingy' when they pursue a guy. So, you can't win lol.

My personal opinion and experience is that it's ok to persue men (not creepy stalking of course) that you know could be somewhat interested or are already interested in you. Or men you don't know if they're interested or not and want to check if they are. But pursuing men who ghost or show low interest and continuing to do it over and over again is needy and clingy. It depends on the situation.

A decent man who feels attracted to you won't suddenly become uninterested and back away because the woman had the "audacity" to invite him out or make some sort of move.

Hahaha in my day AF was Aunt Flow... lol

Hahahaha omg this made me laugh out loud...

Lots of people will tell you that it's fine for women to pursue men. But what I see on this board is that a lot of people are freaked out by it, and tell women that they are being 'needy' or 'clingy' when they pursue a guy. So, you can't win lol.

This! It's why I posted a question the other day about the difference between showing interest and chasing haha

At the end of the day, the conclusion I came to was that the difference between showing interest and chasing someone is that when showing interest we are going with the flow, and not ignoring signs of disinterest. It doesn't have much to do with who asks who out first or with who does the follow up, or whether it's the man or the woman who initiates. An interested person will show interest in carrying on a conversation and/or getting to know someone better. You can show that interest in someone... if you don't hear back from them or what you do hear back is cold or dismissive, take the hint and move on.