Self improvement - for me and my relationship

Hi all,

Me and my partner have been together for almost a year now. Early on in this relationship, I made a big mistake and cheated whilst at a party. It had been a very turbulent time for the following couple of months but we managed to make things right between us. My partner on the odd occasion felt quite anxious about what had happened and rightly so - but we did not let this stop us enjoying each others company.

Since then, we have had a countless number of good times and made lots of memories together. However, in recent months, I have found it difficult to perform in the bedroom. We talked about this issue early on and I tried to reassure my partner that it was nothing to do with him. After discussing this issue on several occasions, I decided to go to see a doctor as I believe it was an effect of stress. I also suffered from a lot of abdominal bloating which greatly affected my mood, especially when trying to be intimate. We have always been great at showing affection towards each other, but on quite a few occasions my lack of sexual desire was noticed.

The doctor advised me that primarily my bloating and stress were likely the culprits, or a contributing factor at the least, to having a lessened sexual desire with my partner. Without going in to too much detail, he explained that a lot of nerves in the abdomen link to our sexual organs. It was also noticed by me and my partner, that when I was having a good day with little or no symptoms, our sexual passion was as good as ever.

The stress is an ongoing issue, which I believe stems from my desire to spend as much time with my partner as possible. I work away from home and am provided a small but adequate accommodation as part of my job. My partner lives a 20 minute drive away, so most evenings I try to rush through my routine of a gym workout and dinner, in order to maximize the time spent with my partner. I would stay at my partners family home quite often, which would mean getting up super early to drive in to work (which created a lot of stress in itself).

Another added element to the stress is that my current job moves to another location in early 2019; a location where my partner is not simply a 20 minute drive away. I am currently not in the financial position to buy a house in this area, and I do not believe in renting property as I have accommodation provided at a good rate through work. I have been looking at my career options and have been putting in place steps to make big changes, which, given time, would open up more of a stable lifestyle opportunity for my relationship.

Now on to the main issue and the reason why I am seeking help to fix my relationship. On a couple of occasions, when I have had spent time away from my partner, I had been sending suggestive texts and pictures to another guy that I had met once in the past (we met briefly at a Pride event). The issue started as sometimes I would find myself having spare time when not with my partner (a rarity).

On occasion I would masturbate - sometimes out of boredom, sometimes out of necessity due to not being able to perform in the bedroom. I don't really know how the masturbation led to messaging this guy, but I think it may have been because I knew he was gay and that he always seemed very chatty to me, as we had infrequently talked about day to day career problems over the net. I know this is not an excuse or a reason to lead to being suggestive, but I can only put it down to being "in the moment" with masturbation and a slight attraction to the guy in question.

This infidelity came to light after my partner decided to look through my phone. I was a little angry that he had done this, but at the same time I also understand. We talked it over some and he was very angry at me - we have since had a short cooling off period and we met up again the other night to talk. We had argued through the day over text, and our meeting did not make things any better. We both still love each other very much but we have agreed that I need to make some changes and understand why what's happened has happened. He ultimately called time on us - I then broke down for the first time ever in the relationship. Despite calling time, he said that he loves me and wants it to work - but that we need some time apart and that I need to come to some kind of understanding on why I have allowed this to happen to an otherwise perfect relationship.

I have been exploring in my head the reasons why I think I may have flirted with another guy over the net. Initially, I thought it was purely just linked with masturbation (I usually use the internet for material) and that this guy I had messaged was simply a way to enhance masturbation. I must stress that I have no emotional connection with the guy that I had messaged, and he was out of my mind instantly. I knew deep down that what I was doing would be seen as disloyal by my partner, especially after our turbulence early in the relationship. I had felt guilty each time but kept telling myself that it was meaningless and that I wouldn't do it again.

After further thinking, I realised that having very little "me" time and spending each day rushing through my tasks (work, gym, work social events, cooking etc) would burn me out. Quite often, I would reach my partners house and be exhausted. This wasn't always a problem, but I believe this was a contributing factor to the bedroom issues. Although I love spending time with my partner, I think that I had very little balance in respect to giving myself time to relax and enjoy my own space. Every day was just a rush of things to tick off so I could relax on the evening in my partners company.

It would be silly of me to dismiss masturbating in private as not taking away from my desires with my partner; it is something that I have always done as I have only been in a couple of relationships that lasted any meaningful length of time. Our bedroom intimacy definitely improved when I reduced the frequency of masturbation, especially during times where I know me and my partner would be able to have sex.

I appreciate that this is a long read, but I would like some honest opinions on my situation and suggestions as what could be done to help improve myself so that I can help understand how we have got to this point - and so that I can assure my partner that I really want this relationship to work and prove to him that despite this recent bump, we can have a future together.

Many thanks

Ash

It sounds like you've identified a lot of the issues. Spending too much time with your partner. Why can't he visit you? Is this situational ED? Is it after a few drinks? Unfortunately it sounds like it's not working out with your partner not only because of logistics but lack of novelty you seem to need for stimulation.

Why not spend less work nights together and alternate visiting each other alternate cooking dinner, going out etc. Finding a therapist who is in your community and sensitive to your issues could also help you sort out the stress and need to stray.

I decided to go to see a doctor as I believe it was an effect of stress. I don't really know how the masturbation led to messaging this guy, but I think it may have been because I knew he was gay and that he always seemed very chatty to me

He is able to visit me and has quite often - but my living quarter isn't great for hosting (shared) and it can feel very claustrophobic. It was diagnosed as situational ED, but I chose not to opt for meds on the advice of the doctor - to tackle the stress and improve my diet to help with the abdom problems.

No, it was mostly when sober - we have had some great sex after a few drinks.

It sounds like you've identified a lot of the issues. Spending too much time with your partner. Why can't he visit you? Is this situational ED? Is it after a few drinks? Unfortunately it sounds like it's not working out with your partner not only because of logistics but lack of novelty you seem to need for stimulation.

 

Why not spend less work nights together and alternate visiting each other alternate cooking dinner, going out etc. Finding a therapist who is in your community and sensitive to your issues could also help you sort out the stress and need to stray.

Serious question: You say you love this guy but you've cheated on him twice in your very short, one year relationship. Do you think you are capable of monogamy?

I'm thinking you'd be better off breaking up with your current partner which will alleviate your stress (and hopefully the ED) and when you're healed and have figured out whether you are poly or mono, you look for a partner that has the same nature.

Yes, I believe I do love him and that I am capable of monogamy.

We have touched on poly/mono in the past; but the conversation didn't really go anywhere as neither of us seemed keen to pursue that route.

Serious question: You say you love this guy but you've cheated on him twice in your very short, one year relationship. Do you think you are capable of monogamy?

 

I'm thinking you'd be better off breaking up with your current partner which will alleviate your stress (and hopefully the ED) and when you're healed and have figured out whether you are poly or mono, you look for a partner that has the same nature.

Yes, I believe I do love him and that I am capable of monogamy.

 

We have touched on poly/mono in the past; but the conversation didn't really go anywhere as neither of us seemed keen to pursue that route.

Keen to pursue what route? You've been poly the whole time you've been committed to him!

Yeah, thatwasthen hit the nail on the head. I do not understand how people who repetitively cheat on a partner can turn around and say they prefer monogamy. All that means to me is that you want to be able to do whatever you'd like behind your partner's back to fulfill your sexual needs while knowing that your partner is fully committed to only you.

Frankly, it sounds like most if not all the issues lie in your corner. You chose to run yourself ragged with how often you see your partner, you engage in certain diet choices that have caused physical issues leading to sexual problems with your partner, and you've chosen to entertain others while in a "monogamous" relationship. I don't know if what you had with your partner can or should be salvaged, but I'd say it comes down to you simply deciding to grow up and make choices that benefit the relationship, not just you.

Considering the problems you currently have it may be wiser to simply end the relationship when you move. You will not struggle less with making time to see your partner or fidelity when you are farther away from one another.

Serious question: You say you love this guy but you've cheated on him twice in your very short, one year relationship. Do you think you are capable of monogamy?

 

I'm thinking you'd be better off breaking up with your current partner which will alleviate your stress (and hopefully the ED) and when you're healed and have figured out whether you are poly or mono, you look for a partner that has the same nature.

I agree with the above post. That was my immediate thought too. Too much cheating in such a short space of time. I would also strongly advise you break up and get yourself sorted out before getting involved in any relationship. Do whatever it takes for however long it takes, but right now I don't think you're good relationship material (sorry).

As in, we discussed that we both wanted to be monogamous. I obviously failed in that respect; but I want to understand why it has happened because I want to do my best moving forward with the relationship. I knew too well that messaging another guy was wrong - but I made up a false bubble in my head, telling myself that it was just another way to get off by masturbating. This almost allowed me to feel less guilty about the situation.

Keen to pursue what route? You've been poly the whole time you've been committed to him!

I knew too well that messaging another guy was wrong - but I made up a false bubble in my head, telling myself that it was just another way to get off by masturbating. This almost allowed me to feel less guilty about the situation.

That's why the cheating happened. You just said it yourself that you justified the behavior even though it broke the boundaries of your relationship. There doesn't need to be a deeper reason. You just want to look for one so you don't feel like the "bad guy". Hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you lack self-control and empathy for your partner.

I'm not trying to lessen the seriousness of the situation. I'm trying to understand it so I can work on developing myself for any future relationship.

That's why the cheating happened. You just said it yourself that you justified the behavior even though it broke the boundaries of your relationship. There doesn't need to be a deeper reason. You just want to look for one so you don't feel like the "bad guy". Hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you lack self-control and empathy for your partner.

Well, one thing that is bothering me, is that you are acting like you have no control of your cheating, physically and emotionally. You say it's just happening and you want to understand why it's happening. You can control this! You can choose NOT to sleep or text other guys. It's as simple as that. Tell yourself, no. I'm not going to do this for the sake of my relationship. We have control over our base instincts.

As for the stomach bloating, yes, your doctor is correct. Stress can cause this. My wife suffers from it. You have to work on your stress, and other posters have dealt with that. Just go home on the weekends. One good date night is better than five bad ones. And a little wine might help too.

Well, if you're being honest with yourself, is there anything that you think is lacking in your relationship? Anything that could use improvement and that would make you happier?

And why would you send these suggestive pictures and texts to this other guy and not your partner instead? Would he not appreciate these types of texts?

One would think that if he did appreciate them, maybe this could also help improve on what's happening in the bedroom.

My initial impression upon reading your thread OP is that although you care for your partner, there's something missing in your relationship; otherwise you wouldn't be engaging in this sexting, etc. with other men.

You also mentioned that you cheated at the beginning of your relationship. Have you cheated in all of your other previous relationships as well?

No, never. My previous relationships didn't work out mainly because I recognised I wasn't actually in love, I just loved the idea of being in love. This time things definitely feel much stronger and I've never doubted my feelings.

Have you cheated in all of your other previous relationships as well?

No, never. My previous relationships didn't work out mainly because I recognised I wasn't actually in love, I just loved the idea of being in love. This time things definitely feel much stronger and I've never doubted my feelings.

Self improvement starts when you stop being so impulsive and take control of your actions. you can talk about monogamy and love all you want, but you are not acting that way.

Cheating is a choice. It's pretty easy to stay loyal when you make more careful decisions. You should stay single and work on your issues first.

Self improvement starts when you stop being so impulsive and take control of your actions. you can talk about monogamy and love all you want, but you are not acting that way.

Ikr, love is an action word.

No, never. My previous relationships didn't work out mainly because I recognised I wasn't actually in love, I just loved the idea of being in love. This time things definitely feel much stronger and I've never doubted my feelings.

Well I think this is something you will have to discuss with a professional, because it's probably the only way you'll be able to determine why you do this.

You knew that what you were doing was wrong, yet you did it anyway, and of all people, to the one person whom you say you love.

You're acting out of sorts for some reason, but if you really want to change your ways, I'd seek professional advice to pinpoint the issue/s.

Yes, you lack self-control, but further to that, why did you cheat (on more than one occasion) on the one person you love?

Hard for anyone here to determine that, but I'd look into it sooner rather than later, because you want to stop it before it happens again.

Well I think this is something you will have to discuss with a professional, because it's probably the only way you'll be able to determine why you do this.

 

You knew that what you were doing was wrong, yet you did it anyway, and of all people, to the one person whom you say you love.

 

You're acting out of sorts for some reason, but if you really want to change your ways, I'd seek professional advice to pinpoint the issue/s.

 

Yes, you lack self-control, but further to that, why did you cheat (on more than one occasion) on the one person you love?

 

Hard for anyone here to determine that, but I'd look into it sooner rather than later, because you want to stop it before it happens again.

You don't need to know why you do something to take the first step in not doing something.

That's for the therapist's chair.

The next time you think about sexting some random - call your Grandma instead.

The next time you think about sexting some random - call your Grandma instead.

You don't need to know why you do something to take the first step in not doing something.

That's for the therapist's chair.

The next time you think about sexting some random - call your Grandma instead.

I asked this question earlier, but didn’t get an answer...I’m not sure why OP would sext a stranger instead of their partner.

You want to sext and you have a partner, um...reach out to them, not some random.

I’d avoid grandma though. Lol. That’s a whole other thread I’d rather not see on here.