Still suffering from ex’s actions

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling with all aspects at the moment. I left my ex partner 17 months ago after finding out he was a sex addict also with a long term prostitute habit. I relocated to Harrogate UK after he begged me to move in with him. I was with him 3.5 years. I found out he had lived with 6 previous ex partners (he would never discuss his past relationships) all his previous relationships lasted a maximum of 2 years. They all left him too. Until I found everything out I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I loved my life. He was good to me & my family adored him. When I found out his double life I had to leave him & relocate all over again back home. I had to give up my job I loved, leave a place I loved, & a dream. I had to live with family until I could find a new home, get a new job & start all over again. I’ve lost a lot in salary & struggling to finance my own home alone. I had to take the first job offer to enable me to move back home. But I’m not happy there. My whole life got turned upside down because of him & I’ve struggled to readjust. My ex’s life was not affected at all. He just lost me. He still lives in our renal home, his job wasn’t affected, his life carried on as normal. He met a new girlfriend within weeks of me leaving him. She lived 140 miles away & started a long distance relationship with him. She has now relocated & moved in with him to my old home. She has no idea of his life as I didn’t. He deleted his Facebook he’d had for years & created a new one, he didn’t want a new girlfriend to know any of his past life. I know he has cheated on her & used prostitutes since being with her. She is walking in my exact shoes. I feel so sorry for her. I contacted 2 of his previous girlfriends & they too left him due to his cheating. They didn’t know however that he had a prostitute addiction that went back years, all his adult life. I am so hurt that my life is a struggle because of him & I’ve really suffered from his horrendous actions, yet his life was not affected & is wonderful. I’m not happy & struggling with so many aspects. There’s no justice. I don’t know how to get over the massive life changes

Ex is suffering from Sex addiction. Unless He works on getting it fixed it's going to happen again.

His life is not wonderful. He is still dealing with sex addiction.

None of this is your fault. You really need to start living your life and not focus on troubled ex.

Write your own story.

Good luck.

Sorry about all this.

I know it's hard to see, in the middle of the storm, but your ex is hardly living a wonderful life. The man is a total mess, clearly miserable, living a life that is dangerous and destructive—to himself, to others. That's his truth, and by the sounds of it not one he's going to change anytime soon.

You are the lucky one right now. You're away from the danger, away from the source of pain. It's a raw spot, I know, but the path ahead is only full of possibility. Really try to remind yourself of that. That's where the justice is.

None of his actions have anything to do with you. Nothing to do with your worth, your value, your attractiveness. Nothing. They are his dark pathology, and, in that path, you got hurt. Be grateful to be out of that path, as he spins in darkness.

So sorry for your situation.....

Just to relate and let you know you're not alone: My wife ended our marriage around 13 months ago now. She got everything including the house and has gone on to other men and a social life with the network of most of our friends...

I've spent hundreds of $$ on therapy, GP's and all sorts of healing methods and medications to try and get through. I'm now couch surfing and quite isolated. I am though, very, very fortunate that I have 2 or 3 very patient friends that have been keeping an eye on me...Also a few people from here on ENA that have really helped me....

I also remain grateful that I've managed to maintain my job and I have fairly good health*

I wasn't perfect but I wasn't abusive either and did all I could to be a good husband, friend and stepfather to her kids....

So why did she leave? As others have said, it's more about them than us....Also I feel sadly, that relationships have become very transient in todays world.

Justice..? Karma...? Mmm, yeh, I dunno....It doesn't seem fair no, but it is what it is....

Please take care of yourself and do what you need to do ok*

Much Love

Carus*

Sorry to hear this. How did you find this out? You did all the right things, even though it was difficult. The best thing you can do is delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Do not contact his people any longer. You have your confirmation. Focus on your new life. Remember, what you miss was a façade. Keep in mind he seeks out victims he can dupe until they catch on.

I left my ex partner 17 months ago after finding out he was a sex addict also with a long term prostitute habit.

Thank you Happyfrank. Yes he is a full on sex addict. I’m over him, but I’m not over the affects of his actions on my life. It’s had such drastic ramifications. I am starting therapy this weekend so hopefully slowly but surely my life will get better. Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you Bluecastle. Very wise & healing words of advice. Yes when you put it like that he is spinning darkness. I really feel helpless that I can’t do anything to prevent him destroying more women’s lives. Sometimes the knowledge of what he is is like an anchor weighing me down. I wish I didn’t know any of it. Thank you so much for the advice. It means a lot

Thank you Carus for sharing your experience with me. I really feel for you. I lost our mutual friends like you, it’s so unfair. Life is tough sometimes & yes I agree with you relationships these days are incredibly transient. I am starting therapy this weekend so I’m hoping it’s the start of better days ahead. I hope you find your stability & a happier life ahead too. Thank you once again for sharing your experience.

Hi Wiseman, well I found secret email address that he had on our laptop. The email adresses were linked to dating sites, swingers sites, prostitute booking sites etc. I saw all his messages & explicit pictures he’d sent & received from women. I also found hundreds of pictures he’d taken of himself having sex with all his ex girlfriends & other women. They were all timed & dated so I knew from the timelines that he’d cheated on all of his ex partners. There were also over a hundred videos of him having sex with different women, ex partners & random women but most were filmed without their consent. They didn’t know they were being filmed. I told him everything I knew & had found & he was physically sick. Begging me to stay & not leave him. He was petrified of being on his own. That’s why he jumps from one relationship straight into another, he can’t be bear to be on his own. I also found out he was in bad debt, probably due to the prostitute habit. He begs his girlfriends to live with him but I know now that he uses women to share his household bills so he has less debt & more of his own money to spend on his habits. Yes it was a facade, you’re spot on. I do feel incredibly duped. Foolish for not seeing the real man behind the tall dark looks & perfect image. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement & advice. I really appreciate it.

Wow be glad you found this out and got out. You are not a fool at all. These people are experts at deceit and double lives. Have you read the book "The Sociopath Next Door"? Read up on that and antisocial personality disorder. It will help you resolve this in that it teaches you how realize you were systematically victimized, not "fooled".

Don't give him the "out" of having some sort of treatable "disease". He did a lot of manipulative things that go way beyond sex addiction, more like a cunning predator.

-There were also over a hundred videos of him having sex with different women, ex partners & random women but most were filmed without their consent.

 

-I also found out he was in bad debt, probably due to the prostitute habit.

 

-He begs his girlfriends to live with him but I know now that he uses women to share his household bills so he has less debt & more of his own money to spend on his habits.

Wiseman I’ll definitely read that book, thank you for recommending it to me. I have since told him he’s a narcissist & a sociopath. He hated me saying those words to him. I also used the words predator to him as that is exactly how it is. That is him 100%. He is a handsome man, very tall, well dressed, well mannered, managerial job, so comes across as a decent person. He wanted me to keep quiet about why I was leaving him & not embarrass him. I told his family as they were all shocked I was leaving him & wanted to know why. They were disgusted in him. However they acknowledge & encourage every new relationship he has. He said he’ll never forgive me for telling his family & embarrassing him. Typical narcissistic behaviour. I am going to read the book you recommended ASAP. I feel stronger already after reading your comments & the others. I really have had a lucky escape haven’t I. Thank you so much Wiseman2.

First things first, breathe.

I would suggest you not hitch your healing on his wagon. I’ve said this before - if you find solace in his failures, you will find pain in his triumphs. He could be miserable or he could be happy as a clam, not everyone who treats others badly is unhappy, that’s what we tell ourselves to feel better, life is rarely that black and white so it’s just a bad idea to attach your happiness to the idea of his unhappiness, his life good or bad isn’t in no way your concern anymore. You’re broken up where his life leads now has absolutely nothing to do with you. I personally don’t believe in karma, same line of thinking to me it’s a way to feel better, that’s why the realistic thing to do is attempt to close that door completely not pacify yourself with an idea of justice, the world doesnt work that way and it will keep you stuck.

Ok next thing, I also wouldn’t latch onto this idea that you’re current state is his fault. Again it’s a thought process that’s going to keep you stuck, the reality is you made a choice to move back home, Im assuming so you were close to your support system, you didn’t have to leave a job you loved for a boy. Please, please, please, let this be a lesson, career first. I know that sounds terrible and backwards but unless there’s a ring on your finger, you have to always look out for yourself. Unfortunately you chose to move, own that choice, make the best of it and take advantage of your support system. Find the silver lining, I know it may not seem like it now, but it’s there somewhere.

You’re going to get through this and you’re not going to be ok, you’re going to feel angry and sad and hopeless and all those emotions, allow yourself to feel them, let them pass through naturally keeping yourself grounded, you’re nobody’s victim!!!! You’re foing to be ok and you will be so much better off without this cheat.

Hi figureitout23. Thank you for your reply. I lived 80 miles away from him when I met him, so we had a long distance relationship. When he asked me to move in with him & I agreed I had to relocate & leave my home, job & family etc. Which I was more than happy to do as I thought I’d found my ‘happy ever after’. When I found everything out 3.5 years later I had no support system near me as I’d moved away from family & friends. When I decided I had to leave him it took 4 months from me ending it, to me actually being able to leave our home (I lived out of our spare bedroom for those 4 months) I was looking for somewhere to live but I couldn’t afford anywhere on my own. It’s an expensive place to live. I didn’t want to leave the place at all & I loved it & loved my job there. However it became apparent that i couldn’t afford to live there on my own & the only decision left was to move back home to where I am from. So logistically I had no choice but to give up my job & move back. I relocated my full life again back 80 miles to where I was before I met him. Back to my support system, family & friends. So yes, it was my choice to leave, but how could anyone have stayed with a person who was that cruel & damaged? There was no other choice. I have to therefore disagree with you. It was absolutely & directly his actions that have caused me to be where I am today. He made terrible choices that negatively affected another human beings life. I am just one of eight women he’s lived with & done this to. What I also need to add is that he caused me a serious health condition. I’ve been in & out of hospital for 2.5 years. I’ve recently found out it’s due to his ‘lifestyle’, he gave me an STD that has given me a chronic health condition. So I am suffering in the worst kind of way because of him. I totally agree with you that I am stuck, you’re correct there. I will definitely get though the other side though one day, you are right, I will do it. It will just take time. Thank you for your advice.

Hi figureitout23. Thank you for your reply. I lived 80 miles away from him when I met him, so we had a long distance relationship. When he asked me to move in with him & I agreed I had to relocate & leave my home, job & family etc. Which I was more than happy to do as I thought I’d found my ‘happy ever after’. When I found everything out 3.5 years later I had no support system near me as I’d moved away from family & friends. When I decided I had to leave him it took 4 months from me ending it, to me actually being able to leave our home (I lived out of our spare bedroom for those 4 months) I was looking for somewhere to live but I couldn’t afford anywhere on my own. It’s an expensive place to live. I didn’t want to leave the place at all & I loved it & loved my job there. However it became apparent that i couldn’t afford to live there on my own & the only decision left was to move back home to where I am from. So logistically I had no choice but to give up my job & move back. I relocated my full life again back 80 miles to where I was before I met him. Back to my support system, family & friends. So yes, it was my choice to leave, but how could anyone have stayed with a person who was that cruel & damaged? There was no other choice. I have to therefore disagree with you. It was absolutely & directly his actions that have caused me to be where I am today. He made terrible choices that negatively affected another human beings life. I am just one of eight women he’s lived with & done this to. What I also need to add is that he caused me a serious health condition. I’ve been in & out of hospital for 2.5 years. I’ve recently found out it’s due to his ‘lifestyle’, he gave me an STD that has given me a chronic health condition. So I am suffering in the worst kind of way because of him. I totally agree with you that I am stuck, you’re correct there. I will definitely get though the other side though one day, you are right, I will do it. It will just take time. Thank you for your advice.

You have every right to disagree with me. My advise is based on having to start completely over myself. You aren’t there yet and that’s ok, allow your feelings and emotions to pass naturally, don’t park a tent though keep things moving.

I know you probably think I am the most inconsiderate person around like how could I not see all the horrible things he did and not agree. Don’t get me wrong I agree he is a bad person, Unfortunately as crappy as he is as a person and as raw of a deal as you got, this crap happens, it sucks but it does. No one deserves it but it happens. The best, best, best revenge is to take what happened and handle it like a boss.

Get therapy, lean on your support system, heal and come back stronger than ever.

Unfortunately by you insisting you’re his victim, he’s ‘winning’. And the odds are he could care less. I also had to learn the hard way, the world doesn’t care what you’ve been through it’s going to keep turning. Your support system, your family and friends and the people here can help you get back on your feet but Justice? That’s going to come from you living your best life.Hell if he’s truly a sex addict he’s not also a sociopath and a narcissist, gotta pick one. And if it’s sex addict he’s sick too.

So be sad and angry, and when you’re ready, prepare to come out of all of this stronger. You are not another one of this mans victims. You moved, you lost a job you loved, you lost a man you loved, the feelings of loss must be overbearing right now. I’m so sorry, you will be ok though. I promise you as long as you don’t dig into this and stay stuck you are going to come out the other side. One day at a time.

It's a long shot but since you have excellent documentation of this "lifestyle", deception and medical condition you could get a free consultation with a personal injury attorney to see if the harm he caused you is actionable. Reckless endangerment or willful and wanton disregard may apply if his deception, failure to use protection, failure to inform you of STDs and the pretense that it was a committed relationship were all factors in harm to you.

Too many sociopaths get away with crap like this because their slick persona convinces other people they are normal beings. Many victims of this type of sociopath do not come forward because it's all so mind-bending. This is not the serial killer, cult leader style sociopath, so their deviousness and the harm it does is more covert and difficult to delineate.

He made terrible choices that negatively affected another human beings life. I am just one of eight women he’s lived with & done this to. What I also need to add is that he caused me a serious health condition. I’ve been in & out of hospital for 2.5 years. I’ve recently found out it’s due to his ‘lifestyle’, he gave me an STD that has given me a chronic health condition.

Figureitout23 I’m sorry to learn you also had to start over again. You are indeed correct, that this is just life & as hard as it is we are very much not alone. These kind of events & circumstances will always happen to individuals. I am going to take heed of your words & advice to handle it like a boss. I am a strong person, I’ve just been overwhelmed & lost the strong person I am. I’ll find her again, she’s still inside me :) One day at a time is the way forward. I know you are very right in that one day all of this pain inside, hurt & waves of emotion will ease & I’ll be free of it. That is my goal & I’ll reach it. Definitely. Like you say I have to allow & accept all differing emotions & accept its normal to feel like I do. I refuse to stay suck. I know one day this will all be a bad memory that will no longer affect me :) thank you once again.

Wiseman2 such wise insight from you once again. You have the measure of this man, totally. And that is exactly it, they are so good at hiding their true self with their “slick persona”. Portraying a normal life with such ease. Totally convincing what I can only call their prey! The absolute fear they feel when their mask is pulled off & true personality is revealed is incredible. They can’t bear people to see them for what they are. He threatened me not to tell anyone, both sets of family or friends, he said he’d get the police if I did. He never did when I told the truth to our families, but the threats were endless. He couldn’t stand not having the control anymore. Yes I have thought about looking into the legalities of his actions. I will take your advice & try to get a consultation. Like you say that is why it is allowed to continue over & over because the victims just leave & don’t have any other route to take. I do believe it is just like an act of criminality. Wilful psychological harm needs to be recognised as such. Harm to physical heath should also be deemed as such. I’ll definitely look into it. Thanks again Wiseman2. Very much appreciate your advice.

Glad to hear you're seeking therapy. It's a good way to stay accountable for new habits. Two habit changes that I'd consider to be helpful would be to change your lens away from how 'he' has impacted your ability to rebuild your future--he's in your rearview mirror. Then there's the habit of looking too hard and long into that rearview mirror to keep tabs on his life--I'd skip that in favor of looking forward.

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future. I'd skip comparing it to the fantasy you held 'about' the ex and instead highlight the reality of the bullet you've dodged. If you're able to come out of this without an STD, then your future will only be impacted to the degree that you view yourself as victimized--and that's a choice you get to make.

Head high, and use your therapy to grow confident in your potential rather than to nurse injury. This isn't to invalidate or even minimize your experience, but rather to adopt strength from it rather than the alternative.

If you're able to come out of this without an STD, then your future will only be impacted to the degree that you view yourself as victimized

I’ve been in & out of hospital for 2.5 years. I’ve recently found out it’s due to his ‘lifestyle’, he gave me an STD that has given me a chronic health condition.

Wiseman2 Yes, the STD was/is real. Wish it wasn’t. If only I’d had the choice to ‘view’ myself as victimised rather than ‘be’ victimised.

Catfeeder thank you for your feedback & advice. Yes it is definitely wise to try to not look back. That is my goal. However with everything that is happening in the now, in real time, with my health issue the way it is..it’s very much difficult not to look back because he’s impacted my life in such a gargantuan way. I will & shall get there though. I’m looking forward to the therapy to get me on my way. I have to say because he actually gave me an STD that is impacting my life, the victimisation is indeed not a view, but real & tangible. If his penis was a knife I’d have had the law on my side.

Catfeeder thank you for your feedback & advice. Yes it is definitely wise to try to not look back. That is my goal. However with everything that is happening in the now, in real time, with my health issue the way it is..it’s very much difficult not to look back because he’s impacted my life in such a gargantuan way. I will & shall get there though. I’m looking forward to the therapy to get me on my way. I have to say because he actually gave me an STD that is impacting my life, the victimisation is indeed not a view, but real & tangible. If his penis was a knife I’d have had the law on my side.

vic·tim·i·za·tion

/ˌviktəməˈzāSH(ə)n/

noun

1.

the action of singling someone out for cruel or unjust treatment.

Did he purposely give you an STD? If its the three letter one, and he did it on purpose, yes he victimized you and gave you a life sentence and you should absolutely seek legal counsel.

But if he didn't, you are potentially digging yourself into a hole that is going to be much harder to get out, if he didnt and you choose legal retribution, its going to be an uphill challenge. I'm not saying that to discourage you, but to tell you the reality because I dont think you are seeing outside of yourself right now, which, who can blame you?

Its completely your choice . All anyone can do is give you advice based on their experiences or knowledge, at the end of the day this is your life to live.

Whatever choices you make whether its legal or therapy, I wish you luck.

People can google definitions, lol. He recklessly engaged in unprotected sex with hookers, multiple women as well as kept up the deception that it was a committed relationship. This is not a typical case of "he cheated, get over it and move on", however easy it is to post that type of thing.

This is a case of systematic deception which led to health consequences. "Purposely" is a relative term and has nothing to do with reckless endangerment and wanton disregard. What that implies is damage done by carelessly endangering the health and well being of another person regardless of "on purpose".

"On purpose" is trying to gauge the operation of someone's mind which is not relevant legally when people are harmed by their reckless actions.. For example drunk drivers do not get behind the wheel with the intent to murder people, but they do by being reckless.

Did he purposely give you an STD?

Wiseman please let me respond to the poster without your interruptions.

I bit my tongue when you amateur diagnosed this dude as a sociopath and a naricissist along with being a sex addict.

I said nothing to you when you recklessly advised this woman she should go to court because the truth is unless he purposely infected her, she has nothing. So she would spend months maybe even years still exposed to this man as she rehashes every detail of their relationship and his actions for a maybe chance of him being considered criminally negligent? setting healing back tenfold? Good lord a 2 second google search will prove you have to knowingly infect someone for it to be considered criminal.

You think this man is the first to cheat?

The first to sleep with prostitutes?

The first to have multiple girlfriends?

The first to give their partner an STD?

Sadly, he isn’t the first and he won’t be the last. My advice to not park her tent in self pity ville is coming from my own expierience moving on from a man who f*cked me over in many ways as well. She can’t see outside of herself right now and you want to help her dig down even further, your prerogative. But leave me out of it.

Figureitout23 I do respect your opinion & advice. However my ex, as Wiseman said, systematically decepted me & EVERY ex partner he lived with. I was not a one off here. I was number 7 of 8. The other 7 didn’t know anything that I found out. I saw evidence that went back years! He knew he was deceiving me as I relocated a whole life for him. He sat back and allowed me to do that. Knowing he was cheating with ransoms & prostitutes. If I was the only one he’d done it to, I could be more inclined to agree with you on some of your points. But Wiseman2 has described my ex 100%. I have looked at the traits of a sociopath & he ticks every one! I’ve looked at the traits of a narcissist & ticks every one. He’s not a sex addict. That’s an easy out. It far surpasses sex addict on so many levels. He has deceived countless women, manipulated each & every one. He knows what he is doing. I am not embarrassed by the word victim, why should that be a dirty word? I am his victim, one of many. It’s whether I want that label to stick & hold me back. Of course I don’t. I’m getting help to overcome all that’s happened. But in what he has done to me I will always be one of his many victims. That’s just fact. Wiseman2 has raised a very valuable point, in how these people are able to continue systematic trauma to lives. It needs saying & it needs to have the same importance given as a crime. That was Wiseman2’s whole point. Whether these things will ever be given the same importance is another matter, but the more people who just say nothing & accept the behaviour happened & forget it is perpetuating the cycle of these sociopaths. Because that’s what he is.