Friends you share with an ex

Don’t know if this has been brought up before but where is the fine line when it comes to friends you shared when a couple?

Basically me and my ex would go on double dates with another couple. This couple were lovey and we spent many days together, meals out etc etc

The female in the relationship is pregnant. Since my ex dumped me I vanished from Facebook. Recently reactivated it.

Noticed this girl still hadn’t had her baby so I dropped her a message asking how everything had been going!

I do have to add this was my ex’s friend from befofe we got together so I’m assuming I’m in the wrong for messaging her?

Anyhow we spoke about her pregnancy and how it’s past it’s due date. She asked how me and the ex were which I found awkward. I wanted to say she’d been a to me etc etc but just kept it light and said she wants nothing to do with me, that I tried my hardest and I’m gutted but nothing I can do.

Her friend replied it was a shame, and that she was due to see her in a few days and would find out whether there was any chance of rekindling things.

I said this was not necessary but thanks anyway.

Few days have gone past and I noticed she still hasn’t had her baby, and haven’t heard anything from her.

My question is...should I leave her alone? This couple were people I enjoyed spending time with yet feel like I can’t mention anything about their baby? Like what’s happening?

Any advice appreciated

I don't think you were in the wrong for cordially messaging her but I'd leave it at that for a while, while the break up is still fresh.

Unfortunately, when people break up mutual friends do not want to take sides and will usually remain friends with whoever they feel closer to and not the ex partner. People do not like being in the middle of other people's breakups. Reach out and reconnect to all your own friends you had before the split. It would be best to delete and block your ex and all her people from your social media. Do not reach out to your ex's friends.

Since my ex dumped me I vanished from Facebook. this was my ex’s friend from befofe we got together

I don't think you're "wrong," in some moral way, but I think the fact that you're asking the question, and "assuming" you're wrong, is telling.

What, really, were your motives in reaching out? Yes, she's lovely and pregnant, but I don't think you simply wanted to say hi, see how the baby was doing. I think you wanted to talk about your ex, find some way to "contact" her/learn about her while being in the mythic NC state you were celebrating on here a few days ago.

And, well, you got exactly that. And how's it make you feel? A little icky, a little edgy, no so different than you felt when you wrote your "messy breakup" post? Spinning a little more than you were before the exchange? Wondering if pregnant friend had a conversation with ex, how that conversation went, what information will come your way, and, of course, the big zinger: will you hear from your ex/is there a chance at reconciliation?

I know how hard this is. Been where you are, as have most. After my last breakup I traveled the world, my melodramatic heartbreak tour, and I'll always remember my first few days in Japan, posting photos on social media, hoping for some kind of reaction, then feeling like a total idiot for, well, being in an amazing country and instead of reveling in it I was just hoping my ex would feel something and communicate it to me somehow. That moment, for me, was the reckoning: um, no, not who I want to be. Deleted social media, did my thing, let go.

Here's the challenge. Try to play these things out in your mind before giving into the impulse. Is the road to what you want right now—feeling better, healing, maybe reconnecting with your ex—really going to play out, healthily, through social media back-channeling? Is that the sweet story you want to tell one day over drinks? Is this the person you want to be?

Probably not, you know?

Your ex knows how you feel. Thing is, she does not quite know how she feels, and you have to respect that, have to honor that. You can't push, can't do anything to get her to see things exactly how you see them. You have to trust that, past whatever is going on at the moment, there is a connection, an appreciation, and that time will determine what form that's meant to take. Not hours, not days. Real time.

And as time works its magic in that regard, you take this time for yourself, to heal. To find calm. To find security within. To really feel everything you need to feel, rather than make moves, like this, to keep the full weight of those feelings at bay by offsetting them through hope. When you feel all that, you'll be clearer, stronger, because you'll really know how you feel about things.

So, yeah, leave the friend alone. She's about to have a baby, and she is closer to your ex than she is to you. Maybe your ex is touched that you reached out, but maybe not. Maybe she finds it intrusive, because she needs time and space, just as you do. I promise that if you can start accepting that, and really living it, things will get a lot less anxious.

Words spoke so true ‘Bluecastle’

Tormenting myself when on down days is a struggle. I always thought I was stronger than this. Always thought I could dust off any situation and it would barely leave any effect. Oh how wrong I was.

Yes it’s hard accepting I was an idiot. That clearly part of me is still holding onto that hope you speak about. The NC has opened my eyes to certain things. When I’m having a good day I’m chilled, back to myself albeit for a short time.

Then my mind becomes anxious, over thinks and starts running in circles.

I’ve realised reaching out to said friends is not good for my healing, if anything its detrimental. But part of being human is making mistakes, as long as you learn from them.

I guess my post on here was to confirm what I knew inside. It was wrong. I was human and holding onto some false hope this friend might be the key to unlocking my ex’s eyes.

I should add I reached out to her last Friday so day 4 of NC.

But I appreciate your post greatly. I truly do.

So am I right in assuming your tralleving helped you overcome your breakup?

You are so, so not an idiot, friend. I know this sounds silly, but every time you have a self-critical thought like that try to combat it with one of self-love. Give yourself a little mental hug, a little mental pat on the shoulder. You deserve that.

You are, as you said, a human. And one who is hurting and doing your best to process and cope with that hurt. That is an awesome state to be in, a vulnerable, learning state, and ultimately one to celebrate. You are growing right now. You are, believe it or not, getting stronger, building muscles of resilience that will serve you well. It's a process, not quite a linear one. Yeah, you'll make some missteps—that is okay.

Traveling helped me tremendously. It put literal distance between me and my ex, distance that just made it impossible to indulge my basest instincts. Like a lot of men, I'm cursed with big, fragile ego that really, really doesn't like to be bruised. Humility is not my strong suit, and there ain't nothing more humiliating than loving someone who is no longer in the position to love you as you need to be loved. Travel gave me an outlet to just be a mess, to let go of pride, without engaging in behavior that would make the mess messier.

Sure, in ways I was just lost and hurting and running—from pain, from myself. But it also gave me space, real space, to simply feel without reacting to those feelings. It was a bit like going through withdrawal in a rehab clinic, if that makes sense. I knew the drug (her) was no good for me, that you don't heal a cut with the knife that made it, so I put myself in a position where access to the drug was next to impossible, where the wound could heal far from the blade.

And, hey, it was also kind of impossible not to have some awesome experiences—experiences that reminded me, on a gut level, that there is so much awesomeness out there, whether or not my ex (or any woman) is in my life. Eventually, honestly, those experiences were just so great I had no interest in wading back into the swamp that relationship became. We had some good times, some awful times, some toxic times. Was what it was. No regrets, but time to see what's next.

Here's a little something philosophical to think about, on your path. Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space there is choice. In choice there is freedom. And in freedom there is peace, contentment, strength. So the more we can expand the space between stimulus and response, the stronger we become.

To bring that back down to earth. Your ex/breakup is the stimulus. It hurts, it sucks. Makes sense that you want to respond to that, be it having a beer, posting on here, or reaching out to a friend. But just try to sit in that space a bit, so you choose the best response. Often it might just be sitting for another minute, which becomes another day, which becomes a month, which becomes (cue gauzy music) another life.

My ex husband and I had a number of mutual friends... some that we spent a great deal of time with. I think it's perfectly acceptable to remain cordial, however it's also important to accept that there will be "teams"... some of our friends went to his team, some to mine. For the most part, it was like you describe... they went to the team that they had known longer, or had more intimacy with.

My ex and I had different approaches on this. I chose not to go out of my way to reach out to his friends, just say hi and a quick chat when I see them. His approach was to try and stay connected to my friends much like you are doing. I don't know if either is right or wrong, but motives are important here... my ex was seeking to maintain a connection to me through my friends, which made things awkward for everyone.

You have checked in on her and let her know you are thinking of her... let it go for now and say congratulations when she has her baby. That would be the "normal" thing to do.

I agree with Maew. Also depends on how the people feel about their friends. I kept in touch with a friend I met first but who ended up spending more time with my ex because of a shared activity. In a few cases we met the people at the same time. When my husband and I were broken up as boyfriend and girlfriend there was one point where I ran into a friend of his (female) and he thought it wasn't appropriate for me to stay in touch. So, I didn't -no biggie.

I do keep in touch with an ex's brother. I met the brother first -we worked together- and met my ex through him. But I was always careful never to mention his brother with very rare exception (meaning if he mentioned my ex first I'd respond but with something bland). It's worked so far -I've been friendly with this guy for over 20 years.

I vote for not staying in contact with the ex's friends even if during your time together you considered them to be your friends as well.

I found out after my marriage broke up that the reason her friends were distinctly cold to me is because she was telling them that I was cheating on her. When in fact, she was cheating on me.

Ex was nuts, wanted their sympathy while slamming me.

I only found this out by a random bumping into one of "her" friends in a grocery store. And I asked the lady why she was so distant to me. She looked me in the ey and said it is because of what you did, the cheating!

I set her straight right there in the grocery store parking lot. She was shocked.

But did it change her alliances?

Nope.

I never saw her or her husband again, but she sure stays in contact with the ex.

Go figure.

Oh bluecastle if only you knew how self critical I actually am in life - maybe thats why Im struggling so much to come to terms with this breakup.

I wish I could go travelling, then again maybe thats just my mind trying to bring distance between myself and my ex and my normal day to day life. I am trying to concentrate on a massive career change. Going back and obtaining an apprenticeship in a trade Ive always wanted ( will be an interesting 4 years whilst I earn peanuts - though thankfully I have savings to full back on )

My fingers are crossed I manage to get this as I see it as a new beginning, something to put my all into! To make a success of it wheres theres a decent outcome at the end. In my head I will use that as my tool to gain distance from my ex.

I understand about picking at the scab, a family member said every time I re-visited my ex when we were in contact was like picking at the scab. I never gave it chance to heal which played me by two months. Space is needed on both parts. Maybe its the uncertainty of not being in control that scares the hell out of me? I take comfort in hearing other people working through their breakups. I know each person is different as is the circumstances surrounding the breakup itself. But when you have down days it can feel like there is no hope.

I agree about my ego/self esteem being bruised. At one point earlier this year through whatever reason I went distant, pushed my ex away and honestly did not want a relationship. We had space from each other for just over month of little contact and only a couple of meets. I was going through a very stressful time and my way of dealing with it was to shut off ( yes I know not the best thing to do )

Fast forward 6 months and Im devastated when she has turned her back on me. Basically doing the same thing that I did. I guess this is when people can say Karma has come around and bite me royally. Maybe Im carrying around a lot of guilt as I understand how I made her feel. Im not proud and guess all Ive wanted is to make wrong what I have done.

Just to clarify I didn't do it as I thought the grass was greener. Our relationship got to the stage we argued a lot, her anxiety would exacerbate situations and cause some awful fights. We became toxic and I did not deal with it well. Hence the switching my feelings off.

I have come to realise no matter what a person feels or wants nothing can be forced. So many people can give the advice to 'give up on people who give nothing back' -that there is someone out there who will appreciate what you have to offer'

Though until you come to accept whats happened, endured the heartache and all the troubles and tribulations that come from a breakup its so hard to see the silver lining from the situation.

I will no longer reach out to anyone on her side. I actually have my first appointment with a counsellor tomorrow ( decided to see one when I was extremely low ) perhaps they may be able to help me shed some light on my own emotions. Im very confused and can't understand why I acted how I did? Perhaps thats what is the underlying issue for me. Not fully understanding my own emotions. This is where I hope with some guidance from a pro I will be able to seek, find and finally come to realise why I feel like I do. React like I have and ultimately for future events know better ways to deal with things.

Still early doors. I browse these forums and take comfort I am not alone. Though it still doesn't help that I have a space where my best friend once was. Jeeze who thought human emotions could cause such drama

Appreciate the responses.

Oh, rest assured the self-criticism is coming through. Takes a fellow traveler to spot one, so I say that with compassion.

And, hey, now you're getting to the good stuff. First off: awesome about the counselor. There is real gold in that, or has been for me, and you're clearly in possession of a mind (and heart) that wants to be keep growing into its best, most authentic form. Lots of gold there, too.

So it sounds a bit like you're in what I think of as an atonement loop, not uncommon among the self-critical. You went cold a while back, went distant, shut down, stuttered emotionally, couldn't figure out how to balance yourself inside the relationship. You wish you could have handled it better—probably wished, at the time, you could have handled it better—and now you want to right those wrongs by righting the relationship.

I get it. Oh, do I get it! But here's the thing, and I say this also with compassion, so I hope you don't take it the wrong way: that's a kind of self-centered mindset, as is thinking of this as some kind of karmic retribution. All that, in other words, is ego.

So maybe try a different, humbler approach. Think back to how you felt back when you shut down. You were just...fried. Your feelings...changed. Because you are a person, not a machine, just as your ex is a person. You were doing your absolute best, just as your ex is doing her absolute best. Those bests, right now, don't align. Those bests, right now, create more pain than pleasure. That's not karma; it's just a hand dealt by life.

Maybe if you can come to see that thorny chapter in your own life with more compassion, you'll come to see this one, in hers, in a similar light: not about you, but about her, about humanity. There's calm in that. Sadness, yeah, but also calm. Because it's more true than lofty narratives of karma, comeuppance, cosmic retribution, punishment for our sins and shortcomings and so on. Leave that stuff to the preachers in the plains.

It takes some real mental jujitsu to turn the prism, I know. I'm dealing with some heartache myself at the moment, and the enflamed ego wants to make it all about me. But, no, it's about the mystery of another person, the mystery of feelings, the mystery of timing. And when all that mystery becomes overwhelming, it's about doing some inner working out to build the right muscles to be able to handle it.

hmmmm let's see.. so much in this. I will start by answering your direct question and then maybe comment on the rest.

1. nothign wrong with reaching out to peopel you enjoyed before. But you DO have to accept that since she was the ex's friend before you got together, they will probably side and stay closer to the ex- than you. (you would too if the roles were reversed).

2. it also depends on how close they are to her still. if they've broken it off with them then maybe you can be friends - but beyond that they'll always be "her" friend and not yours first.

3. the "friends" after a break-up is almost always never possible unless there has been CLEAR and extended separation for a while. (the "pick at scab" analogy your friends and family talk about). It is no different with the ex- itself, and the mutual friends you made while being together. It's even MORE ESPECIALLY true for friends you made thru the ex-.

It is true you haven't given yourself a chance to get over her. Being in contact with anythign about the ex- will prolong your abiliyt to do so (even if it's indirectly thru a 3rdr party like... the pregnant friends..) Because there is always a risk or temptation to risk hearing about the ex- or geting another person's take on your ex- and you etc.

The most important thing to learn from this is the concept of "letting go." One of thebest things we can learn how to do is how to "let go" of things. You're learning that right now. Let her go. Let the idea of needing to be friends with her friends go. At some point down the line maybe it could happen if you cross paths inadvertently... but you have to let go of them all first (physically, emotionally, mentally) before that can happen. In fact that is a terrific rule... "to have anything with them, you have to completely let them go first and start from scratch."

Bluecastle - Yeah Iam hoping the counsellor is going to benefit. It is more a 'relationship' counsellor too so they specialise with what 'I' and people on these boards are going through.

Thing is some family members have said they think I need to see a 'general' counsellor as they reckon all this Im going through is linked in with losing a very close family member back in June.

I think there is some merit to this as it wasn't until my family member passed away I seemed to reach out and grab hold of my ex ( so to speak )

I remember up until that point that I was in my 'distant, cold, unaffectionate ' sense. Now Im not saying I haven't suffered as a result of my break up - far from it - but I think all my emotional issues are stemming from the actual loss of a relative who I was very close to.

Oh I take your words from someone who has lived through heartache and came out the other side. Thats something I need to put more thought into. My ego is certainly bruised. And I understand what you mean about people change. I certainly changed back in April/May. Then through a trauma I seemed to have a massive wake up call. Almost like a fear of losing anyone else that I was close to/or was close to me.

( yes I truly think at the moment my head is pickled for many reasons and maybe I haven't dealt with the loss of my relative yet. I seem to be holding onto a enormous sense of guilt surrounding that as Iam with my behaviour towards my ex. So maybe they are linked? )

I get what you mean. I did get a sense of confusing from her when we were last in contact. We did have a toxic relationship at times. The way she behaved after we broke up with the constant pushing pulling could just be she is very messed up with that to do for the best. Thing is its something Ive come to terms with that I will never truly know.

I know I have to accept its over. I have to accept I won't be hearing from her ever again. That is what I need to let go of.

The mystery of feelings is such a strange concept considering so many factors can play a part in them. How long have you been dealing with your heartache?

Its clear from your words you have gone through this before, and seem to have a much better understanding of how to deal with the heartache. Wisdom comes from experiencing things for yourself and passing it on to others.

I start yoga soon, and have been thinking about meditation. Im starting to realise all this self love talk. About gaining a better understanding of one self, and until you can truly do that I will not be in a position to get to know anyone else. I really want to learn from this. Heck I won't be able to stop it from ever happening again- but at least I may be better prepared, be able to see when things are truly going sour/toxic and press the escape button before I invest too heavily.

Thisisrichey - I haven't given myself chance no.And I agree anything associated with her is an automatic 'one step forward two steps back' approach.

And Yes I need to learn to let go. Its something I have not done or even started to do yet. I can say Im in a much better place than I was 9 days ago but still have a long way on my path.

A general counselor/therapist is a great idea. If you have time, and can afford it, I think it should be part of everyone's personal arsenal, regardless of what you're going through. I think of mine like going to the gym, but for my mind and emotions.

And good to hear about yoga—been on that path for many years myself. It's a great one. Lots of stuff in there about accepting uncertainty, humility, sitting with discomfort, and so on.

And letting go. That's big in yoga, and a really good skill to develop. Like, when you say you to to accept that you don't he hearing from her "ever again"—you don't even need to go there. That's actually "holding on," trying to determine an outcome, control the narrative. It's comfort in catastrophizing. You can get softer, truer, you know? Let go of the idea that you need to hear from her...now. Let go of any expectation. That's the sweet spot.

Oh, I've been on the other side of heartbreak for a good minute now. I ended something over a year ago, wobbled around for a good 7 months, then emerged on the other side. Wild road, good road, needed road. Lots of solitude, eventually some light romance, life being lived without that weight.

I got a lick of it again recently—a short romance I'm still processing, still feeling, but it's not a devouring black hole. Partly because it was short, partly because I'm just better prepared for this stuff. I'm hardly some pro—you can see my own reeling in recent posts—but I'd like to think that my IRL actions are more constructive than destructive.

Ego down, eyes clear, heart open, no expectations, forward motion.

You're the only one who knows your motivation for reaching out to this person. Decide whether you're imposing an ick factor for some arbitrary rule you've invented in your head, or whether there's part of you looking for some kind of connection with your ex through her friends. We can't answer that.

as long as you're going in the correct direction - yo'll reach your goal.

dont' worry about getting to the goal - just worry about contiuing to go in the right direction... and ensuring all you are doing or not doing are all to keep going in the right direction.