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Thread: Not standing up for your partner

  1. #1

    Not standing up for your partner

    Hi everyone this is my first post, just a brief background to my relationship, married 12 years together for 29, 5 children. I would describe my marriage as very one side, I am passive by nature wanting to make everyone happy, whereas my wife is aggressive and this has been the state of play for most of our relationship, After a very stressful holiday flight there was a disagreement to who had which rooms. I am kinda don't care, but my wife and the other parties husband started to argue whos room was who's. I got between them and tried to calm my wife down as she has a temper. The other man was a relative to my wife and I would consider a friend not close but friends. There was quite aggressive arguing from both parties. Things calmed down and we had the room. Next day i went to speak to the friend and we went for a walk where i told him I was unhappy about things and some things that were said he apologized and we shook hands. He then apologized to my wife and also to myself again.
    Forward 2 months later basically my wife is wanting us to finish as she thinks that I did not stand up for her at the time and that I should have had a go at the friend instead. I feel now perhaps I should have been more proactive towards him but I kinda have always dealt with situations like this unless there was a physical threat then I would meet like to like. It came up after her wanting to unfriend her cousin (friends wife) and her cousins mother as she felt the cousin had instigated the argument. I told her not to be hasty and just learn from it. I now think I am the scapegoat as we have not talked for a week now and counting wheres as she is kinda ok with everyone else. Would appreciate opinions and any comments Thank you

  2. #2
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    Well, we recently had a woman complaining that her husband didn't stand up for her, but she really wanted her husband to start hitting a guy who tried cut in front of them in line! That and a bunch of other examples she gave indicated she had quite a temper and anger problems.

    Has your wife always been like this? After all, you've been with her for 30 years, have you been dealing with this all this time? What have you been doing about her?

    Anyway, the typical answer is just apologize for everything. Tell her you're sorry for not punching her cousin out or whatever. The secret is, you don't really have to mean it. Just say anything that will pacify her so you can get on with your life. Keep telling her she's right, and she's wonderful, even when she's wrong. And you could just say you're sorry that she feels poorly. That's really what she's looking for. And you won't have to punch out her cousin.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let her fight her own battles and don't put out her fires. Don't protect her. Don't protect other people from her or apologize to them for her. Stay out of the line of fire and her crazy family drama.

    Let her love/hate all her friends/family since that is her pattern. When you stop trying to smooth things over with her or between her and her people you won't feel like a scapegoat.

    It sounds like you're embarrassed to be married to her and run around trying to "fix" what her temper and anger breaks. She is who she is. In everyone's face screaming and fighting. You know that and they know that.
    Originally Posted by easygoing
    my wife is aggressive. she has a temper. It came up after her wanting to unfriend her cousin. I now think I am the scapegoat as we have not talked for a week now and counting wheres as she is kinda ok with everyone else.

  4. #4
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    Well strictly speaking I respectfully disagree with the above statement.


    I mean, you sir did the right thing in every stage of the matter :

    - you calm people down
    - you get the damn fuc... room
    - you handle thing with your wife's relative and have him apologise to your wife

    What could you have done better ?

    For what I read you exercice authority in the high sense of the term, you achieve results with a respectable approach and without putting out a fight.

    Why would you apologise ? for what ?

    I would stand up to your wife and told him what it is.

    Like go to her and told her the cold fact that is to say, regarding what you wrote :

    1° that she started a fight over a peculiar thing, was not achieving anything while boasting out and YOU come to the rescue, calm the people down and that YOU get the damn room where she wanted to be so that YOU actually solve the damn problem she initiated in calm manner in order to not make the holidays a nightmare.

    2° that YOU took the initiative to patch things up and have another man come to her and apologise for his behaviour towards her.

    So at the end of the day, ask her in which fuc... damn world this is not standing up for her ? ask her what you should have done differently : fight ? and how the outcome of a different attitude would have lead to better result since you get what she wanted (the room) and the apologies by the cousin.

    Sounds to me that your wife is a big mouth and to quote top gun "her ego is writing cheques her body can't cash" since she seems to love to start fight and when the heat arises, she can't handle the consequences of what she started.

    My comment is a little harsh but I can't stand people like that and sometimes they must be put in their place.

    So yeah, if I were in your shoes I would not be apologetic to her, explained that you did the right thing and actually stood up for her and to balance things out add that this will always be the case as you love her but that you will only go for violence when it is needed and that in that particular, it was not needed at all and that you handle things with autorithy and as a man would have.

    Wish you the best but know that you did the right thing and that if you are quite, the loudest person in the room is more often than not the most insecure and the less competent one and with all due respect to your wife, she kinda proves this moto to be right.

    God bless.

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  6. #5
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    I feel like those were answers from men :)
    Sometimes men and women approach problems differently...

    I would like to know more about the room situation. Why did she (or he) feel entitled to a specific room? What was different about the rooms that caused the argument? Was there an agreement of sorts before you went there?

    I think it’s important to acknowledge her feelings. She felt attacked by her cousin’s husband. She felt like he was trying to get her to accept “less than” and she was defending your family. She was going to bat for all of you.

    I do understand that you did not care about the room. It sounds like you simply felt that maintaining good relationships with her family members was more important than “winning” about the room. (and I don’t think you were wrong on the surface... but I’d like to know more about the argument)

    Has she felt attacked by these family members before?

    Sometimes support comes in the form of listening and letting someone vent and understanding where someone is coming from.

    I’m sure that for her this probably has a whole lot less to do about a room (and even this one situation) and a whole lot more about feelings of being attacked, and maybe trends of them trying to get a one-up (or something like that).

    I think you should ask her why this whole situation has her this upset and really listen to her feelings. I can almost guarantee this is not about a room. There is most probably a much bigger picture here.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    If my wife wants to pick goofy arguments with people, she's free to see the argument out. I've dated women who pick fights with dudes expecting me to step in as the gender-based proxy. Very intentionally choose to marry a woman who doesn't pull that ****. I'm not risking an ass beating or having to defend and deliver one myself over who gets the room with the bigger closet.

    You did plenty trying to deescalate at all. No man who gives half a **** about his wife and mother of five just contentedly sits there with his shoulders slouched while another grown man is in a yelling match with her, even if she's being a jack-ass and he'd be within his rights. And admittedly as someone who doesn't play those kinds of games, I can't say as I necessarily blame you for being proactive in the situation.

    Forget getting to the bottom of why she feels attacked. I'd want to know why, despite the argument being resolved peacefully and you two having gotten the room she wanted, she'd still prefer you risked an altercation. That's not what a loving partner laments. You two may be due some marital counseling if you're both stuck on this room and this argument being an isolated issue resulting in her stonewalling you for a week.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's too damned bad, she picked the fight, she should deal with it and not expect you to be a part of it.

    This is all on her.

    On the other hand, you married a woman who is aggressive like this. I can't imagine this is new. So you now have to lie in the bed you made, so to speak.

    If she starts it up with you, stand up for yourself and tell her, it's not your fight and you won't be a part of it.
    If she continues to threaten breaking up over it, again...that's all on her.

    She is taking a tantrum too far. But it will be her downfall as well.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm curious how she manages to not talk to you for a week when you have five children? Lol . It's a tangeant but that's amazing.

    Sounds like she's the rabble rouser type who likes to stir up trouble even if there isn't any. And you are the passive peacekeeper type. Makes me think of my grandparents and their dynamic. She'd do it even in front of us grand kids.
    He'd laugh, make a joke, pour a glass of wine. And she always came back around eventually.

    He showed me you don't have to climb on to someone's moods nor get stressed about them. Sometimes doing nothing but letting the person come to you after wearing themself out works. Haha

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Boy that's a lot of fuss and trouble over a hotel room! Then to drag it on for two months is even more ridiculous. Based on what you said I think you handled it well and sorted it out with the other man. Your wife sounds like a right fighter.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You can't have it both ways. You drew a clear line between wife's choice of behavior toward the guy and your own. But then you dropped that discretion by meddling in wife's handling of her own relationships when you got home. Worse, you 'parented' her by telling her to learn from it.

    So wife has switched from being angry with others to being even more furious with you.

    In order to reopen lines of communication with wife, I'd apologize to her for overstepping my own bounds by telling her what to do. I'd limit my part of the discussion to that, without defending any of my actions or going critical of hers. I'd listen to wife's response instead of fighting. Then I'd allow the dust to settle, and I'd learn over time whether we have a foundation to build anything of value going forward.

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