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Having a rough go of things right now


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Hey ENA -

 

Not really sure what I’m looking for right now. Having a rough go at it and looking for coping mechanisms I suppose.

 

First off, I’m struggling at work. I’m working in a very toxic environment. One of the managers is mean and has fired a handful of people (on a small ish (

 

Can’t really leave until I get my bonus in early Q1, but at least I have a timeline to look forward to.

 

Second, I’ve discovered that the friends I thought I had here are disingenuous. Many were through work, but they’ve all disappeared from my life. They are all friends with each other, but I’m often left out. I’m the only woman on my team (at my peer level), so I think that has a lot to do with it. But in addition to feeling professionally isolated, I feel personally isolated.

 

And all my other friends away from work are somewhat absent - more info below.

 

I suspect I’ve slipped in to at least a mild depression. I cry easily, either eat in excess or not at all, sleep 10+ hours a night and could sleep much more, and can’t muster up the energy or enthusiasm to do much of anything. My heart hurts, my limbs feel heavy, I just feel lost.

 

On to the friends.

 

I’m usually chipper and supportive. I give a lot, or think I do. But my friends are pretty distant. I want some time to vent but, after getting it off my chest, I just want a friend to laugh with. I don’t want an hour to complain. Just a supportive ear for 10 minutes then a friend to talk with, catch up with, laugh with.

 

When I reach out, invariably they split into two groups: one uppers (my job is worse/I’m more miserable) or dismissive (you make too much to complain).

 

I just feel alone. And unsure of how to get out of this funk.

 

Realistically, no time for therapy and no interest in drugs (they scare me, at least). Therapy maybe, but admittedly also scared. I don’t know.

 

Thoughts?

 

Side note. I’m pretty confident that getting a new job will help this tremendously. The friend thing certainly sucks, but isn’t surprising (I’ve found I’m more sensitive and tend to give more, so I’ve released expectations.). But in moments like this, I would definitely like a soft spot to land on.

 

Sorry for the ramble.

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A toxic environment can wear on you. Changing the environment will probably help a lot.

 

As for the friends thing... I don't know how old you are, but friendships do tend to fall to the background as you get older. I mean, they should--especially the ones that have that competitive bent (e.g., they are more stressed than you; your level of complaining exceeds their standards, etc. ... God, that's exhausting).

 

As for the soft place to land: Well first, you would probably gain a lot by minimizing contact with the aforementioned friends who pull you down. Remain friends with them, but understand their limits and avoid lines of conversation that trigger their need to compare.

 

But secondly, are you interested in having a life-partner of any kind? Because that's really the best opportunity for an ally who will make sure you have a soft landing spot.

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A toxic environment can wear on you. Changing the environment will probably help a lot.

 

As for the friends thing... I don't know how old you are, but friendships do tend to fall to the background as you get older. I mean, they should--especially the ones that have that competitive bent (e.g., they are more stressed than you; your level of complaining exceeds their standards, etc. ... God, that's exhausting).

 

As for the soft place to land: Well first, you would probably gain a lot by minimizing contact with the aforementioned friends who pull you down. Remain friends with them, but understand their limits and avoid lines of conversation that trigger their need to compare.

 

But secondly, are you interested in having a life-partner of any kind? Because that's really the best opportunity for an ally who will make sure you have a soft landing spot.

 

Agreed on the friends. Releasing my expectations has helped a lot. It would be nice if I had found more solid friends - but not yet. Working on it, but it’s hard to know who’s solid until you have a need for it.

 

I know changing the environment will help. 48 more work days! Haha. But I’m not afraid to take mental health days as needed.

 

I am absolutely interested in a life partner. I haven’t had any luck lately with dating, so I’m trying to change up my approach to meet people. Honestly, a lot of my problem is I live in a religious place (Texas) and I am agnostic/atheist ... looking at going back to CO to help. Also, the stress the last 6 months or so led to about 10lbs gain. I was already plus sized, so I’m working on losing that (plus some)... hard when all I want to do is sleep and cry when I get home, but focusing on diet first and introducing exercise back in when my mental health improves a bit.

 

I have a dog that I walk... so I still do active things... just no strength training or more active cardio at the moment.

 

Thank you for the kind words :)

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Sorry to hear this. The best person to vent to is a therapist. Not only can they assess the problems but they can give you more professional and practical advice. It would also be a good idea to get a work up from a doctor and be evaluated for depression.

I want some time to vent but, after getting it off my chest, I just want a friend to laugh with. I don’t want an hour to complain. Just a supportive ear for 10 minutes then a friend to talk with, catch up with, laugh with.
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Big digital hugs!

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

 

Can relate plenty. My job, while I love it, is constant whiplash: periods of productivity giving way to long stretches between projects—stretches that leave me feeling lonely, worthless, overly ruminative. And while I have some wonderful friends, I've chosen to live something of a nomadic life, so my closest ones are 1000s of miles away. Currently I'm exploring life in a new city—an exciting time, but a fragile one. Often lonesome. Had a little cry about this myself yesterday.

 

Anyhow, I'm wondering if you have things in your life that you know can deliver a shot of joy and pleasure when needed. I've built a little arsenal of this stuff over the years, to deal with just these moments. Massages, for instance. A pottery class. And while my go-to hobby isn't for everyone—riding hard on a motorcycle—it's critical to me because I know it's always there, to deliver a sense of calm and freedom when I'm feeling anxious and weighed down. I got into riding for just that reason.

 

I also sometimes use these moments to reach out to someone I haven't heard from in a while. A family member. A friend from the past. Maybe just a "hey—thinking about you, hope you're doing well" text or social media poke, which can sometimes lead to a nice conversation or, at minimum, a little shot of connection.

 

Big picture: it sounds like you see the light—a work change is needed, exercise routine could use a jolt. Great. But those things take a minute to take hold, so it's nice to have some little things that soften the path. Treat yourself to a massage, says I.

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Well, given what all is going on, it's really normal to feel down.

 

That said, I have to echo bluecastle, that yanking yourself out of those blues can really come down to the little simple things in life that you do that make you feel good. A massage, pursuing some hobby, etc. When I'm feeling down and frustrated, I tend to go driving - nothing like a small road trip and Texas has some great back roads and places to go. The change of scenery clears the mind and makes me happy. Plus, solutions to problems seem to materialize from that.

 

The job situation is unpleasant, but remember, you are there to get your paycheck. When you can, move on. If your manager wants a yes to everything she says, who cares. Smile and nod. Not your company, not your problem. Just document everything to cover your personal rear should the proverbial s hit the fan. Try your best to avoid the office gossip pool. You are all pulling each other down and adding on to the toxic environment by carrying on about her. Instead of that, try rewarding yourself at work with something like treating yourself to a nice lunch or your favorite treat or go get a 30 minute sit down massage if one is available near by, etc. Basically, find little ways to reward yourself during the day while dodging the negativity of others around you. Try your best not to feed into it and you'll find that the work situation becomes much easier on you.

 

The friend thing, I mean it's hard to find good friends. In reality, most people will only have one or two truly close friends that they can lean on from time to time. Making yourself get out more, join some hobbies and meet new people will help. It really sounds to me like a lot of your friends are actually jealous of your life, income, etc. Thus the cold response to your problems.

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Well you've come to the right place to vent so keep talking to everyone here...and have get good ideas and have a laugh or two. You seem to being all the right things...so see where that takes you.

I want some time to vent but, after getting it off my chest, I just want a friend to laugh with. I don’t want an hour to complain. Just a supportive ear for 10 minutes then a friend to talk with, catch up with, laugh with.
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A toxic environment can wear on you. Changing the environment will probably help a lot.

 

As for the friends thing... I don't know how old you are, but friendships do tend to fall to the background as you get older. I mean, they should--especially the ones that have that competitive bent (e.g., they are more stressed than you; your level of complaining exceeds their standards, etc. ... God, that's exhausting).

 

As for the soft place to land: Well first, you would probably gain a lot by minimizing contact with the aforementioned friends who pull you down. Remain friends with them, but understand their limits and avoid lines of conversation that trigger their need to compare.

 

But secondly, are you interested in having a life-partner of any kind? Because that's really the best opportunity for an ally who will make sure you have a soft landing spot.

 

Sorry you're feeling this way, MLD.

 

I definitely agree with everything that Jibralta has said. Great advice.

 

I think once you find a new job, and one that you like and enjoy, you'll find other aspects of your life will improve as well.

 

We spend so much of our time at work, so it's no surprise how it can impact our overall lives. I've found that a negative workplace can really affect our overall mood, morale and spirit, which can then carry over into our lives outside of the office.

 

Right now, focus on the fact that you'll be finding a new job soon - this alone is incentive because you know that your current position is only temporary.

 

Also, it's super important that you're making self-care a priority. Eating right, exercising, pampering of sorts, etc. - these will all help in making you feel better about yourself. I know it's easier said than done, because it's easy to fall into a vicious cycle of eat, sleep and work, especially when you're feeling tired and depressed! But I've learned that when I make myself a priority, all other aspects of my life become more positive and fulfilling as well.

 

This will also help with any depressive symptoms you're experiencing, I would think, too. You obviously want to get back into a better self-care routine (i.e. - to lose the weight, etc.), so once you start putting yourself first, I do think you'll feel less sad, tired and defeated as a result.

 

Remember to take baby steps though and to be patient with yourself. It will take time to lose the weight (as you know), but once you get into a routine and stick with the self-discipline, the better you'll feel.

 

In terms of friends and finding good, solid, genuine friendships, these types of relationships are hard to find. I think I've learned to accept that although I'd love to find more of these types of relationships, they are few and far between. That said, I would still stay in contact with your current friends and accept that they may not fulfill your ideal type of friendship. However, once you're feeling better in terms of your career and yourself in general, I'd consider pursuing hobbies that you enjoy where you can meet other people with the same interests, where you can connect and network. It's amazing how one friendship can lead to you meeting so many other people.

 

When I moved to a new city a couple of years ago, I met a couple of very good friends through work. One of them was very social, and she would invite me to various events throughout the city where I got to meet a ton of other people as well. Although some of these others are not good friends, we'll still meet for dinner, or attend various social functions together every now and then - which is fun! And again, I end up meeting more people through them.

 

Unfortunately, good friends are hard to find (I get it, I feel the same way as you), but it can't hurt to have some people to hangout with every now and then to have fun with - even if they aren't the ideal friend for you (or someone you can vent your more personal issues you to), you know?

 

And yes, I agree with Jibralta. A partner! Again, I think once you have a new job in line and you're feeling better overall, a significant other would make for a great soft spot!

 

And whatever you do, if you can take time off (mental health days, etc.), I would do it. If you're like a lot of people I know (including myself) where you've been guilty of not taking time off, make sure you use up that time. At the end of the day, yeah, we care about our jobs, but more often than not, I think we care more about our jobs than our employer cares about us. They only care about productivity and money. Our employers can drop us today and not think twice. Hence why we have to look out for #1 - ourselves! 'Cause they sure as heck aren't going to do it.

 

Hope you're feeling better soon!

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Thank you for all the wonderful advice, these posts have helped a lot - just having some validating is nice. :)

 

I definitely need to practice the self care thing.

 

Blue, I like the advice but I’m not someone who enjoys massages. I’ll have to find some alternative to that, because I like the concept.

 

I’m trying to not feel so fried at work. I snapped at a coworker (and immediately apologized) today, but I don’t like being that person.

 

Reaching out to recruiters and submitting applications helps, which reaffirms to me this is mostly rooted in the job.

 

I’m missing some points to respond to but I appreciate the help and will spend more time thinking on what steps I can take in the meantime :)

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Hi. I don’t have much to add to the insights and wisdom here and wanted to lend my support and an “I understand “. I’m meeting a new friend for coffee tomorrow morning who just moved here and I feel the negativity already like “oh she’s probably going to cancel” or similar. I was even surprised she was willing to make a plan because so many say or write “let’s get coffee” but won’t actually follow through. I say keep trying and I also highly recommend volunteer work.

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Blue, I like the advice but I’m not someone who enjoys massages. I’ll have to find some alternative to that, because I like the concept.

 

I hear you.

 

I'm a big believer that simple pleasures are underrated, and that some self-pampering should be part of everyone's routine. Maybe it's a manicure, or a nice drive like someone suggested—just something for you, with no meaning other than pleasure. Or maybe a fine cocktail somewhere, though I suspect I may catch some flack for advocating that. But, hey, often does the trick for me.

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A fine cocktail definitely does the trick. There’s a fancy bar down the street ($12 cocktail fancy)... May be worth dressing up and wrangling some of my friends :)

 

My recent guilty pleasure is fancy hot chocolate with a splash of brandy and a book.

 

I feel better already everyone, thank you so much!

 

Also - taking my dog out of town for thanksgiving for a relaxing weekend. Should be fun! Something else to look forward to

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Honestly, a lot of my problem is I live in a religious place (Texas) and I am agnostic/atheist ... looking at going back to CO to help.

 

I didn't realize you were away from home. That can make a big difference, you know. Especially when things appear to be the same on the surface, but there is a subtle undercurrent that you don't pick up on. Happened to me when I went to college in a rural state. It was like a mild form of culture shock--all the more insidious because it was so subtle. If I was in a completely different country, I would have been more prepared!

 

I agree with others 100% about the self care--whatever that means to you, try to carve out some time for it.

 

When I'm feeling down and frustrated, I tend to go driving - nothing like a small road trip and Texas has some great back roads and places to go. The change of scenery clears the mind and makes me happy. Plus, solutions to problems seem to materialize from that.

 

I absolutely LOVED doing that when I was in college. I would listen to music, smoke cigarettes, and explore the country roads for hours after class. Side one of Delicate Sound of Thunder tape was excellent for long drives on open roads.... but I made mix tapes, too. Sometimes I'd drag a friend, but much of the time I was alone. It was so peaceful. Also a great way to avoid homework.

 

Wish I could do that here in NJ.... Fat chance. Ha.

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A fine cocktail definitely does the trick. There’s a fancy bar down the street ($12 cocktail fancy)... May be worth dressing up and wrangling some of my friends :)

 

My recent guilty pleasure is fancy hot chocolate with a splash of brandy and a book.

 

I feel better already everyone, thank you so much!

 

Also - taking my dog out of town for thanksgiving for a relaxing weekend. Should be fun! Something else to look forward to

 

Being that I am already a regular consumer of overpriced cocktails—about to head for one now, with book!—I'll have to take you up on that hot chocolate with brandy thing. Pure pleasure, no guilt—that's my motto.

 

Also, why need friends for the fancy cocktail? Just a little suggestion, and one I say knowing everyone's different, but one thing I've been doing since I was 17 is: whenever something crosses my mind that sounds fun, but sounds kind of intimidating to do alone, I go ahead and do it alone and see what happens.

 

Back in HS it was 4 months traveling Europe. Three weeks ago it was booking a room alone in the mountains when I was annoyed at my then sorta-gf. Call it a compulsion of sorts, but, man oh man, crossing that little threshold has produced so many wonderful moments and, who knows, maybe a dash of empowerment.

 

So, hey, cheers!

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Being that I am already a regular consumer of overpriced cocktails—about to head for one now, with book!—I'll have to take you up on that hot chocolate with brandy thing. Pure pleasure, no guilt—that's my motto.

 

Also, why need friends for the fancy cocktail? Just a little suggestion, and one I say knowing everyone's different, but one thing I've been doing since I was 17 is: whenever something crosses my mind that sounds fun, but sounds kind of intimidating to do alone, I go ahead and do it alone and see what happens.

 

Back in HS it was 4 months traveling Europe. Three weeks ago it was booking a room alone in the mountains when I was annoyed at my then sorta-gf. Call it a compulsion of sorts, but, man oh man, crossing that little threshold has produced so many wonderful moments and, who knows, maybe a dash of empowerment.

 

So, hey, cheers!

 

I agree on the alone thing for sure - and I have no issues getting a drink alone - it just sounds fun to round up some people if I can :)

 

Where did you go in Europe?

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Sorry this is happening. There are three things in life that play a major role in your overall happiness and satisfaction.

 

1) Your career/profession. Both the field in general and the specific place in particular. This includes coworkers/workplace culture, remuneration in pay and benefits as well as hours, etc. It's something you do at least 8 hrs./day for most of your life.

 

2) Your home/location. Where you live is very important. The climate. The culture/people. The geography. The neighborhood/area. The proximity to people, places and things you love and enjoy. Then your home itself. It's an investment and is usually the number one expense people have, also somewhere where you spend a lot of time and a place that should be a sanctuary and something to look forward to. If you can't stand the structure, area, neighbors, etc it will be misery.

 

3 Your people. This includes friends, family and partner. While you can't choose family and no one is guaranteed a nice one. A good relationship with them is a gift and good boundaries are essential whether they are great or crazy.

 

Friends must be chosen wisely and there are different types. People you casually socialize with and are more or less acquaintances. Real friends, these are the ones you confide in, the ones you call when all hell breaks loose, they know where the bodies are buried and have your back. Never confuse acquaintances with real friends.

 

Your partner. Not having a partner can be a lonesome experience. Having a good partner is a gift and not guaranteed in life. This is someone you trust, navigate life with and who you love. A partner who is crap will be the worst misery you'll ever experience. Someone with significant character deficits (cheating, dishonest, greedy, selfish, lazy, addictions, etc) will do a lot of damage in your life.

 

Moving to another area and getting a new job will solve two major dilemmas and ...at the same time. Once in a better place both geographically and professionally you can resolve the third issue and start dating locally.

a lot of my problem is I live in a religious place (Texas) and I am agnostic/atheist ... looking at going back to CO to help.
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Oh, Europe! That trip, 20 years ago, is a bit of a blur. Amsterdam, France, Italy, Germany, Hungary, Czech Republic.

 

I just kind of went where I felt—met people, went where they were going. Have been traveling like that ever since.

 

I did almost the exact same trip 3 years ago! I love Europe.

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