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Thread: Having a rough go of things right now

  1. #1
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Having a rough go of things right now

    Hey ENA -

    Not really sure what Iím looking for right now. Having a rough go at it and looking for coping mechanisms I suppose.

    First off, Iím struggling at work. Iím working in a very toxic environment. One of the managers is mean and has fired a handful of people (on a small ish (<dozen) team) in the last few months. Sheís on a warpath and has made it clear that we cannot disagree with her - or else. Our morale is abysmal. A number of us are looking for jobs, and Iím sure the quiet ones would consider leaving at least. Canít give too much more detail, but everyone agrees itís the worst environment theyíve worked in.

    Canít really leave until I get my bonus in early Q1, but at least I have a timeline to look forward to.

    Second, Iíve discovered that the friends I thought I had here are disingenuous. Many were through work, but theyíve all disappeared from my life. They are all friends with each other, but Iím often left out. Iím the only woman on my team (at my peer level), so I think that has a lot to do with it. But in addition to feeling professionally isolated, I feel personally isolated.

    And all my other friends away from work are somewhat absent - more info below.

    I suspect Iíve slipped in to at least a mild depression. I cry easily, either eat in excess or not at all, sleep 10+ hours a night and could sleep much more, and canít muster up the energy or enthusiasm to do much of anything. My heart hurts, my limbs feel heavy, I just feel lost.

    On to the friends.

    Iím usually chipper and supportive. I give a lot, or think I do. But my friends are pretty distant. I want some time to vent but, after getting it off my chest, I just want a friend to laugh with. I donít want an hour to complain. Just a supportive ear for 10 minutes then a friend to talk with, catch up with, laugh with.

    When I reach out, invariably they split into two groups: one uppers (my job is worse/Iím more miserable) or dismissive (you make too much to complain).

    I just feel alone. And unsure of how to get out of this funk.

    Realistically, no time for therapy and no interest in drugs (they scare me, at least). Therapy maybe, but admittedly also scared. I donít know.

    Thoughts?

    Side note. Iím pretty confident that getting a new job will help this tremendously. The friend thing certainly sucks, but isnít surprising (Iíve found Iím more sensitive and tend to give more, so Iíve released expectations.). But in moments like this, I would definitely like a soft spot to land on.

    Sorry for the ramble.

  2. #2
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    Well, what do you want to know?

    Get a new job, most of your problems will go ahead. Find new, supportive friends, and that will cheer you up. Otherwise, you just have to hang in there.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    A toxic environment can wear on you. Changing the environment will probably help a lot.

    As for the friends thing... I don't know how old you are, but friendships do tend to fall to the background as you get older. I mean, they should--especially the ones that have that competitive bent (e.g., they are more stressed than you; your level of complaining exceeds their standards, etc. ... God, that's exhausting).

    As for the soft place to land: Well first, you would probably gain a lot by minimizing contact with the aforementioned friends who pull you down. Remain friends with them, but understand their limits and avoid lines of conversation that trigger their need to compare.

    But secondly, are you interested in having a life-partner of any kind? Because that's really the best opportunity for an ally who will make sure you have a soft landing spot.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    A toxic environment can wear on you. Changing the environment will probably help a lot.

    As for the friends thing... I don't know how old you are, but friendships do tend to fall to the background as you get older. I mean, they should--especially the ones that have that competitive bent (e.g., they are more stressed than you; your level of complaining exceeds their standards, etc. ... God, that's exhausting).

    As for the soft place to land: Well first, you would probably gain a lot by minimizing contact with the aforementioned friends who pull you down. Remain friends with them, but understand their limits and avoid lines of conversation that trigger their need to compare.

    But secondly, are you interested in having a life-partner of any kind? Because that's really the best opportunity for an ally who will make sure you have a soft landing spot.
    Agreed on the friends. Releasing my expectations has helped a lot. It would be nice if I had found more solid friends - but not yet. Working on it, but itís hard to know whoís solid until you have a need for it.

    I know changing the environment will help. 48 more work days! Haha. But Iím not afraid to take mental health days as needed.

    I am absolutely interested in a life partner. I havenít had any luck lately with dating, so Iím trying to change up my approach to meet people. Honestly, a lot of my problem is I live in a religious place (Texas) and I am agnostic/atheist ... looking at going back to CO to help. Also, the stress the last 6 months or so led to about 10lbs gain. I was already plus sized, so Iím working on losing that (plus some)... hard when all I want to do is sleep and cry when I get home, but focusing on diet first and introducing exercise back in when my mental health improves a bit.

    I have a dog that I walk... so I still do active things... just no strength training or more active cardio at the moment.

    Thank you for the kind words :)

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Iím sorry youíre feeling this way.

    Sometimes when one aspect of our lives is out of wack it can make everything else feel Grey.

    I think a job change will help brighten things for you.

    Do you have vacation time maybe? A get away may help shake your blues until you can make a more permanent change.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. The best person to vent to is a therapist. Not only can they assess the problems but they can give you more professional and practical advice. It would also be a good idea to get a work up from a doctor and be evaluated for depression.
    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    I want some time to vent but, after getting it off my chest, I just want a friend to laugh with. I donít want an hour to complain. Just a supportive ear for 10 minutes then a friend to talk with, catch up with, laugh with.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear things have been tough lately. Are your parents around? Any siblings you can go to for general support?

  9. #8
    Gold Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Big digital hugs!

    I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

    Can relate plenty. My job, while I love it, is constant whiplash: periods of productivity giving way to long stretches between projectsóstretches that leave me feeling lonely, worthless, overly ruminative. And while I have some wonderful friends, I've chosen to live something of a nomadic life, so my closest ones are 1000s of miles away. Currently I'm exploring life in a new cityóan exciting time, but a fragile one. Often lonesome. Had a little cry about this myself yesterday.

    Anyhow, I'm wondering if you have things in your life that you know can deliver a shot of joy and pleasure when needed. I've built a little arsenal of this stuff over the years, to deal with just these moments. Massages, for instance. A pottery class. And while my go-to hobby isn't for everyoneóriding hard on a motorcycleóit's critical to me because I know it's always there, to deliver a sense of calm and freedom when I'm feeling anxious and weighed down. I got into riding for just that reason.

    I also sometimes use these moments to reach out to someone I haven't heard from in a while. A family member. A friend from the past. Maybe just a "heyóthinking about you, hope you're doing well" text or social media poke, which can sometimes lead to a nice conversation or, at minimum, a little shot of connection.

    Big picture: it sounds like you see the lightóa work change is needed, exercise routine could use a jolt. Great. But those things take a minute to take hold, so it's nice to have some little things that soften the path. Treat yourself to a massage, says I.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well, given what all is going on, it's really normal to feel down.

    That said, I have to echo bluecastle, that yanking yourself out of those blues can really come down to the little simple things in life that you do that make you feel good. A massage, pursuing some hobby, etc. When I'm feeling down and frustrated, I tend to go driving - nothing like a small road trip and Texas has some great back roads and places to go. The change of scenery clears the mind and makes me happy. Plus, solutions to problems seem to materialize from that.

    The job situation is unpleasant, but remember, you are there to get your paycheck. When you can, move on. If your manager wants a yes to everything she says, who cares. Smile and nod. Not your company, not your problem. Just document everything to cover your personal rear should the proverbial s hit the fan. Try your best to avoid the office gossip pool. You are all pulling each other down and adding on to the toxic environment by carrying on about her. Instead of that, try rewarding yourself at work with something like treating yourself to a nice lunch or your favorite treat or go get a 30 minute sit down massage if one is available near by, etc. Basically, find little ways to reward yourself during the day while dodging the negativity of others around you. Try your best not to feed into it and you'll find that the work situation becomes much easier on you.

    The friend thing, I mean it's hard to find good friends. In reality, most people will only have one or two truly close friends that they can lean on from time to time. Making yourself get out more, join some hobbies and meet new people will help. It really sounds to me like a lot of your friends are actually jealous of your life, income, etc. Thus the cold response to your problems.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Well you've come to the right place to vent so keep talking to everyone here...and have get good ideas and have a laugh or two. You seem to being all the right things...so see where that takes you.
    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    I want some time to vent but, after getting it off my chest, I just want a friend to laugh with. I donít want an hour to complain. Just a supportive ear for 10 minutes then a friend to talk with, catch up with, laugh with.

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