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Thread: I feel like a dirt

  1. #1

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    I feel like a dirt

    I am 32 and separated from my husband to whom I was married for 3 years. The marriage never worked and we mutually agreed to live apart. I work in the same office for the past 6 years and my colleagues know me as a married woman. Only a couple of close friends know that I am separated. I have a crush on a guy who is 28 from my office whom I got to know from a friend also that is recently broken up with his girl friend and is been single for a few months like me. The guy does not know that I have a crush on him and I do not know if he knows that I am married or not but gives me a BIG smile when ever we cross path.

    One day, I got courage to convey that I am interested in him via my friend's mutual friend. The initial reaction from the mutual friend was not good, his first question was "wasn't she married?" and he also mentioned that "she is not his type". I am not entirely sure if this mutual friend conveyed my interest to the guy, but the guy stopped smiling or giving eye contact. He has gone very cold and he would usually smile at lease casually but, he walks past with his head turned in other direction.

    I have so many questions in my head and it is bothering me.

    1. I have checked his ex-girl friend on Facebook and she is exactly like me, black hair, same skin tone, brown eyes but shorter than me. This guy is also shorter than me. Are tall girls not his type? well I am Indian and she is Italian - that is one difference. The guy whom I have crush on is also Italian.

    2. My friend dint convey that I am separated to this mutual friend because I dint want office people to know about my personal life much. Is that the reason he is acting abnormal?

    3. Did he not like the fact that I am taller and older than him?

    I wish I had not conveyed this to him and must have let it die inside me. I feel like a dirt and unable to walk past him or his friends with a fear of being judged. People have a very good opinion on me in the office but I am starting to wonder if this would start to tarnish my reputation and reduce my confidence.

    Rejection is hard to take but, him getting an idea that I am trying to have an affair or something is even worse. I genuinely liked this guy and wanted to take it seriously (but only that I was not sure he know of my situation).

    Please advice me on how I should cope with this situation. I have considered changing jobs but only recently I got a promotion and a goos pay hike and I do not want to lose it for this situation :(

    thanks,
    Pri

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I don't know but if people think you're still with your husband, it's normal that they don't want to get involved. If I knew a married man was interested in me, I'd also step away and stop flirting, even if I was attracted to him at first. Of course he's avoiding you if he has any integrity... He thinks you're a married woman interested in cheating on her husband with him!

    If you want to have a chance with someone people should know you're not married anymore and you shouldn't involve friends in it. Also dating people at work can get messy.

    If you're just separated and not divorced yet, I might also say that many people (me included) have issue with dating people who are not officially divorced yet.

    I don't see the need of doing something drastic like changing jobs because of this and I think you're overreacting the whole situation but I'd talk to him myself and explain with my own mouth that I'm not with my husband anymore and any misunderstandings that might have come out.

  3. #3
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    There are many possible reasons he might not be interested... the reality is that he was clearly uncomfortable with your declaration and is now feeling awkward.

    Best you can do is to not draw attention to the situation by keeping your professional distance from him and by working through your feelings and moving forward.

    I might also suggest that you keep your dating life separate from your work place.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I don't know but if people think you're still with your husband, it's normal that they don't want to get involved. If I knew a married man was interested in me, I'd also step away and stop flirting, even if I was attracted to him at first. Of course he's avoiding you if he has any integrity... He thinks you're a married woman interested in cheating on her husband with him!

    If you want to have a chance with someone people should know you're not married anymore and you shouldn't involve friends in it. Also dating people at work can get messy.

    If you're just separated and not divorced yet, I might also say that many people (me included) have issue with dating people who are not officially divorced yet.
    .
    I agree with the above. No doubt he believed you are married and kudos to him for wanting nothing to do with it. Technically, you ARE still married anyway. Once you are divorced you will be a single woman (imo). I would advise you don't involve other staff members to pass on messages of romantic interest in another staff member - that's really really bad and before you know it, you'll be the hot topic of office gossip ... and NOT in a good way either.

    Sort out your marriage/divorce before getting involved with someone else. Also, if both of you were barely out of your relationships this just screams rebound on both sides which is rarely ends in success. Don't monkey branch.

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  6. #5
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    Oh, boy. Your friend approached him without telling him you're separated? So now he thinks you're a cheater? As we use to say in the journalism biz, your friend buried the lead! She should have started with telling him, my friend is separated from her husband and she's interested in you. She didn't, and hopefully he hasn't spread the news among other people that you are trying to cheat on your husband.

    This is a mess. You should have said nothing. This is worse than just letting everyone know you're separated. If you hear that the rumor of you trying to cheat is being spread around, make sure you make clear to everyone that you are separated.

    OK. So to your original question, not everybody is going to be attracted to you for different reasons. Firstly, guys have fragile egos, and a lot of guys simply can't handle dating an older woman. Even though we're only talking about 4 years, for some guys, it might give them the feeling they're dating their mom. So most guys go the other way and date younger girls.

    Secondly, guys still have fragile egos and they simply can't handle dating someone taller than them. I am guilty of this one. I had a taller girl hit on me and I just couldn't see us together, even for one date. (She was also 11 years younger than me, and still in college, and I didn't want to go there either.)

    Thirdly, if he's physically attracted to Italian-looking girls (as I am -- well, Mediterranean girls), he might not be attracted to Indian-looking girls.

    And, of course, as Annia pointed out, you're married. Even if you're separated, you still are married. I had a chance to go out on a date with a woman who was separated, and I just couldn't do that either. It just seemed too complicated and would I also have to worry about a jealous husband showing up in the middle of the night to threaten me? I bugged out of it.

    Maybe you can use the upcoming company Christmas party to talk with his guy and just explain that you're separated from your husband, and you thought he was cute, and that you didn't mean anything by it, and you should have spoken to him directly about your attraction. Just apologize that you made him feel uncomfortable and maybe he will greet you warmly again like he use to.
    Last edited by DanZee; 11-06-2018 at 07:55 PM.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My friend dint convey that I am separated to this mutual friend because I dint want office people to know about my personal life much. Is that the reason he is acting abnormal?
    Yet, by the same token you're willingly bringing your personal life into the office on your own. Having a friend of a friend convey your interest in this guy while you're still married, is simply setting yourself up to be the poster child for office gossip.

    I'd take a step back, and hopefully this will blow over in time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    This was a junior high move, asking someone to tell a guy you're interested. It doesn't matter that you don't live with your husband anymore. You're still married. Any decent guy will only accept a single woman, available both emotionally and legally, and will steer far away from you at this point in time.

    For your own well being and to be able to date wisely, take a full year off AFTER the divorce. You need to mourn and heal (even if the divorce was your idea) before venturing into the dating world.

    Instead of trying to focus on guys right now (and you're going overboard looking at your crush's ex on Facebook), start focusing on pampering yourself. Spend fun times with girlfriends. Get a new hobby. Try some new recipes. Do volunteer work. Take a vacation.

    Let the stuff blow over at work. Don't try to talk to the guy further to explain. He's not interested. Let the subject drop with your co-workers. If you don't want to be the subject of office gossip, keep your personal life out of the workplace. Enjoy some freedom while you're single. You have plenty of time to try out another relationship in the future when you're at a better place mentally. Take care.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are in fact a married woman until you get divorced. If you want to date, get on dating apps stating you are separated. Do not hunt for men at the office and especially do not drag other coworkers into that hunt.

    Stop stalking this coworker and his social media and his gf's social media. Instead focus your energy on finalizing your divorce and dating men outside of work who are actually interested in you. If you want anyone to "take you seriously" get a divorce.
    Originally Posted by priya53
    -I am 32 and separated from my husband
    -my colleagues know me as a married woman.
    -I have a crush on a guy who is 28 from my office
    -I am not entirely sure if this mutual friend conveyed my interest to the guy, but the guy stopped smiling or giving eye contact. He has gone very cold

  10. #9

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    Thanks for the reply everyone. You are right and I need to take a big break and think about dating again but we are humans and it is impossible to control how we feel when it comes to attraction and it is difficult to draw a line and say only then on I'm going to have feelings for someone.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can feel whatever you feel. That's fine. It's fine to feel attraction for others. What's not fine is chasing men at work and asking coworkers to get involved.

    Why haven't you gotten divorced? Is it an expensive or difficult process in your country? Was this an arranged marriage? Does your estranged husband want a divorce?

    How long have you been separated and living apart? It sounds like you are lonely and therefore are grasping at men who you work with. What is wrong with dating if you feel ready to date?
    Originally Posted by priya53
    it is impossible to control how we feel when it comes to attraction and it is difficult to draw a line and say only then on I'm going to have feelings for someone.

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