Why isn’t he passionate about me? Empty Love.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year, we’ve had our conflicts in the beginning but for quite a while we have been fine, I may even say closer but when we argue everything changes. I live with him and when we get into a fight he usually asks me to leave or asks why I’m not leaving. Usually when we argue I stick around because I feel like it’s something we can solve. The last we argued I expressed how I felt replaceable, unwanted, etc when he asks me to leave and he responds by saying “ he isn’t trying to intentionally hurt me” etc. Last night, we get into another argument in which he responds, as usual, “why don’t you just leave” knowing how I felt about him asking me that. So #1, it seems he is INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt me, regardless of what he said in the past. So I leave, he texts me how we’re not broken up and I respond by saying how we are in fact over and how I don’t deserve to be treated how he treats me. He calls me once that night, I don’t answer, and I haven’t heard from him since. In my past relationships my significant others would go to great lengths to talk to me, get my attention, etc. and he can’t even call me more than once? Why isn’t he passionate about me? Why doesn’t he feel like how people in my past relationships have felt? When him and his ex gf of 6 years broke up he went into a depression and would do anything to talk to her? Why don’t I get that same treatment? Not the depression but at least the thought to try to make up with me, When we argue, even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I’m always the one to call him, and ask what’s going on with us? And I’m tired of it? He claims when we argue he decides to “give me space” which I’ve repeatedly told him I don’t need, I’m someone who wants to nip and situation in the bud and move one, instead of dragging it out. It just makes me feel like he doesn’t try. What do I do?

My question: why are you with this guy?

Stay gone. Find someone who loves and appreciates you. Your relationship is not healthy and you are not compatible if you are always arguing

Is your name on the lease? How long have you lived there? Do you have your own place? Where do you go when he throws you out? Is your stuff still there? Why would you move in with this creep after dating less than a year? Is this the same creep that wanted a threesome with your friend?

He's abusive. The only solution is to stay away, block and delete him from all messaging and social media. His goal is to treat you like a worthless rag and hurt you. He enjoys it. It makes him feel powerful and in control. But you know all this. Yet keep going back for more, like an addiction to pain.

You can't squeeze blood out of a stone and you can't expect love, empathy or decent behavior from abusers like this. What you can do is educate yourself on abusive relationships and make an appointment with a therapist to help you see this and improve your self respect in order to have happier healthier relationships in the future.

my boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I live with him and when we get into a fight he usually asks me to leave. he responds, as usual, “why don’t you just leave”

 

#1, it seems he is INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt me

I read your other thread. I can't believe you did not follow the posters advice and dump this creep!

So I leave, he texts me how we’re not broken up and I respond by saying how we are in fact over and how I don’t deserve to be treated how he treats me. He calls me once that night, I don’t answer, and I haven’t heard from him since. In my past relationships my significant others would go to great lengths to talk to me, get my attention, etc. and he can’t even call me more than once? Why isn’t he passionate about me?

To be fair, this is a rather immature mindset, OP. You told him it was over. He did try calling you, and chose to ignore it. Not all guys are going to try to chase you down after you'd already dumped them. It sounds like you are engaging in some game-playing in an effort to make him value you. You are trying to make him prove you mean more than his ex did, or that he will "fight" for you the way other guys have. This isn't the way forward, OP, and has no place in a healthy relationship.

Having said that, this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all, even prior to this incident. You two frequently argue and he essentially kicks you out each time. The dynamic between you and him is toxic. Thus, I would stay broken up. Arrange new housing for yourself and leave this behind you. You two don't have the foundation of anything sustainable over the long-term.

I don’t think we aren’t compatible because we argue, everyone argues. I also don’t believe he doesn’t value and appreciate me, I just think he dosent know what to do with his anger

I don’t think we aren’t compatible because we argue, everyone argues. I also don’t believe he doesn’t value and appreciate me, I just think he dosent know what to do with his anger

So what advice are you truly seeking?

I’m just not familiar with someone who acts the way he does. In earlier posts someone said he is abusive or wants to make me feel worthless which I cannot accept because I only feel “less than” when we argue and he asks me to go, which isn’t all the time, some arguments go smoothly and it’s not like he kicks me out. All of my things are still there.

The advice I’m seeking is would be, he does all these things....takes care of me, changes his behavior for the most part for me, why when we have some arguments does everything go out the window? Like nothing previous mattered?

Yes he does! He argues, beats you up mentally, throws you out and rages at you. He knows what he's doing and sorry you won't be the person who rescues, fixes or change him with your grand love, sheer awesomeness, magnificent understanding of him and patience or martyrdom. You will just continue to be kicked out and treated like dirt.

I just think he dosent know what to do with his anger

Stop making excuses and trying to change him. This is who he is.

This is not a healthy or respectful relationship. Never has been.

You see a lot about someone's character not in how they handle the good times, but in how they handle conflict. He gets (from what you've read) bossy, hysterical, mean, hostile, apocalyptic, manipulative, and leaves you feeling insecure, gutted, and valueless.

I could write you a long, nuanced explanation of where that may come from—in him, in you. But what, really, does that get you? It still leaves you inside a relationship that sounds pretty awful. Yes, everyone argues. But do note: everyone does not emerge from arguments feeling the way you do right now. In healthy relationships, they emerge closer—a bit exhausted, no question, but also more secure, less confused, and loved.

I'm sure there are lots of genuine feelings, warmth, and all that between you two. Don't want to negate that, make no mistake. But this is the definition of toxic, no sugarcoating.

Inside most of us is a little damaged cluster of cells—the place where we lack self-worth, self-esteem, feel valueless, guilty for simply being who we are. Think of those cells as lights on a circuit board. Ideally, they stay dark and burn out over time—that's growth, evolution, the reason therapists stay in business. In a dynamic like yours the very opposite is happening. Conflict comes and the circuit board lights up, both of yours, because you both flip on those switches in the other—that's the poison, the very opposite of growth.

Somewhere inside of him is a man who doesn't feel he deserves you—he has told you this, it's up to you to listen. And so, when threatened, he behaves in a way to reinforce that. It's not deep or mysterious. It's cowardly, immature, dangerous. It's just pain, unresolved pain inside of him being weaponized against you. And it's affective, so it will continue. His response to feeling weak is to weaken you, plain and simple.

Put another way: you're bringing out the worst in each other more often than you're bringing out the best, and your inner masochists are both a little addicted to the pain. You're mistaking it for depth, connection, even love. I'm not saying those things aren't also there somewhere, but this ain't them. It's the opposite. Try to just accept that for a moment, because that's where the power is. Know what you're really in, and then it's up to you to decide it you want to stay in it.

This guy is a complete creep, and actually quite dangerous.

While I get that you're hurting right now, please do stay away from him. Meanwhile, it looks as though you also need to do some work on yourself. I say this because someone with a proper self regard, and healthy self esteem, would not entertain a relationship with someone like this. This is also a bit concerning:

So I leave, he texts me how we’re not broken up and I respond by saying how we are in fact over and how I don’t deserve to be treated how he treats me. He calls me once that night, I don’t answer, and I haven’t heard from him since. In my past relationships my significant others would go to great lengths to talk to me, get my attention, etc. and he can’t even call me more than once?

This ^^^ is playing silly games. Sure, nobody deserves to be treated the way he treats you, and you should be walking away. However, that's not exactly what this is about, is it? When you told him it was over, you didn't mean it at all. In other words, you were holding the relationship to ransom, and trying to get him to grovel to get you back. If he doesn't do that, you've had a lucky escape but instead of seeing it like that, you're hoping to continue the unhealthy relationship which you've already told him you don't want. Trying to get people to change their behaviour by you punishing them never works. Ever. But you also need to remember that a quality guy would also have taken you at your word and you wouldn't have seen them again, either.

If you cultivate healthier and more honest ways of communicating, you will find that some people can't cope with it. They're exactly the people you don't want to have a relationship with in the first place. But if you become healthier, you will be attracted to people who are good for you, rather than this guy.

Look, the guy is trying to get you out. He wants you to leave. He's doing everything he can to get you to go, whether it's intentional or not. You just won't get the hint. Go. Get out!

I don’t think we aren’t compatible because we argue, everyone argues. I also don’t believe he doesn’t value and appreciate me, I just think he dosent know what to do with his anger

The last we argued I expressed how I felt replaceable, unwanted, etc when he asks me to leave

You completely contradict yourself with these two statements. Which is it? He values and appreciates you or he doesn't? I would say the latter because of how he speaks to you.

At the end of the day, he isn't fighting for you because he doesn't want to. He is done. Accept it and move forward in letting go of him.

nobody can answer your question because whatever the reason is - it developed and occurred LONG before this fight.

that you have all these "expectations" of him and how he should do this or that tells me that you have created a "you aren't good enough for me" dynamic between you and him and you probably put him down a lot (b/c you have all these expectations of him that he never fulfills for you). and now he's become resentful about it.

you need to be a team. support each other. not control one another or put expectations on the other. they're not your pet.

again it would be far easier or more reliably to assess this if you give us a lot more background about what goes on between you and especially fights... but just from the tidbit you gave and your ovious mindset and approach to him and your relationship - i'm pretty sure i hit on something that is probably contributing to it.

nobody can answer your question because whatever the reason is - it developed and occurred LONG before this fight.

that you have all these "expectations" of him and how he should do this or that tells me that you have created a "you aren't good enough for me" dynamic between you and him and you probably put him down a lot (b/c you have all these expectations of him that he never fulfills for you). and now he's become resentful about it.

 

you need to be a team. support each other. not control one another or put expectations on the other. they're not your pet.

 

again it would be far easier or more reliably to assess this if you give us a lot more background about what goes on between you and especially fights... but just from the tidbit you gave and your ovious mindset and approach to him and your relationship - i'm pretty sure i hit on something that is probably contributing to it.

I don't agree with this at all.

If I had a BF who would kick me out every time we argued, that would happen only ONE time.

I'd never go back.

We each deserve security in where we live and within our relationships. Someone who copes with conflict by being trigger-happy with the eject button is NOT relationship material. Period.

When someone continually threatens to abandon the relationship without really having the intention to follow through with it, it is being manipulative.

I had short relationship with someone that would play that game with me. He did it a couple times and I warned him that the next time he threatened to end it, I would hold him to it and I did. No surprise that he flipped out, blew up my phone and showed up on my doorstep. The drama ensued for weeks while I had to block every which way.

You see, he never intended on ending it to being with. His threats were nothing more than to try to manipulate me into having his way. . about something . . . whatever the conflict of the day was at that particular time.

While I was married, my ex H threatened it a few times. It never occurred to me until I said I was leaving, that I never once threatened to end the marriage. The one and only time I spoke up, I meant it. Anything else is immature, manipulative and irresponsible.

To be fair, this is a rather immature mindset, OP. You told him it was over. He did try calling you, and chose to ignore it. Not all guys are going to try to chase you down after you'd already dumped them. It sounds like you are engaging in some game-playing in an effort to make him value you. You are trying to make him prove you mean more than his ex did, or that he will "fight" for you the way other guys have. This isn't the way forward, OP, and has no place in a healthy relationship.

 

Firstly I'd like to say that my response below is based only on what's written in your original post.

So, referencing MissCanuck's post above (which I agree with again based on your original post), it would appear that you were the one being intentionally manipulative by announcing it's over and then expecting him to chase you down as that is what your previously boyfriends did. A shyt test of sorts to render a reaction.

However, clearly he's on to that little game and not up for playing it, which godonlyknows how long it's been going on. So HE reacts in his own way by telling you to leave each time you have an argument.

NOT knowing what these arguments are about, or who provokes or initiates, it difficult to determine if his reaction telling you to leave is warranted. He may just not want to deal with the drama.

Whenever I have had an argument with any of my boyfriends (few and far between), I need space too and if he's at mine, I may tell him to leave. Sometimes both people taking some space after an argument is the best course of action so as to avoid the argument escalating into something far worse with more serious consequences.

On the other hand, we have some posters who believe he is abusive and that you should run as fast as you can away from this guy. I see no evidence of that in this thread, but perhaps more info can be found in your previous threads.

In any event, I posted this in another thread a few days ago, but what I have learned is every action (from one partner) evokes a reaction (from the other).

And in turn that reaction from your partner evokes another reaction from you, another reaction from him, another reaction from you, and so on and so forth.

Instead of communicating in a healthy way, you both react! Negatively until the RL turns utterly toxic and dysfunctional which seems to be what is happening here.

I don't see how just one person is to blame -- you are BOTH to blame. You have both contributed to this extremely unhealthy dynamic by reacting to each other in very negative and unhealthy ways.

I would say it's probably best to end it with this guy, but moving forward, please try to refrain from manipulative shyt tests in an effort to render a reaction. If you're feeling anxious, insecure about how he feels, for the love of *** communicate with him about it, in a calm rational way.

And remember, every boyfriend you have will be different from the last, and thus respond in different ways. It's doesn't mean he doesn't feel passionately about you or doesn't care, he just has a different style of communicating his feelings for you -- not all men are into chasing a woman down, in fact they will go out of their way to NOT chase a woman down if he feels it's part of some game she's playing to elicit a reaction from him.

If I am not mistaken,he has repeatedly threatened to throw her out before she made this threat- first time. I agree that her doing so was manipulative, but he repeatedly throwing her out.

Bottom line, it is a toxic relationships.