Is this ghosting or I can change the situation

Hello,

I want to date actually, but I am a bit sceptical about online dating,it always consumes me time and almost never have met somebody there, I find people more shallow and rude on online dating. Anyway. I do not have a pic of mine there for that reason, when I find somebody interesting, on conversation if they would ask in a polite way I could put a pic.

Now, I matched with smb and he looked interesting, we had a long conversation 2-3 hours about history, and mostly about movies and music, but almost nothing about our lives. we just know where we are from, and these preferences on art and things. The conversation lasted so long but I felt like it wasnt going anywhere since he still hasnt asked me what I do in my life. Every question was about preferences on art and things. So, I said i was going to watch a movie, hoping to let some mistrey for him and make him think that maybe he should better ask me out to talk about thongs better than texting. He told me that he wanted to continue talking to me, but again I ddnt consider that. He also suggested me a movie to watch but I told him I was going to se smth else.

I just made a move the next day to send a text and he replied but anyway coldly. we couldnt find anymore the connection of the first day and he hasnt written anymore. I assume two things he wasnt serious about that, like if he could have felt a connection on the conversation he would wanted to continue it the next day or asking me out.

The second thing he isnt taking it seriously because I dont have apicturen of mine but still hasnt asked me to put one. Should I put a pic of mine, or just let it go cause he would have asked me for a coffe if interested or ask me for a picture. Considering that we live 40 min far away by car, so maybe this is another factor. But anway I hate to waste my time on 2-3 hours of conversation for nothing.

why don't you lead by example to give the hint rather than try to play coy and "make him do something?" A relationship is teamwork, not obligating one side to do all the work. This is where you failed.

You wonder why he never asked you about you? Well.. since you hadn't asked him anything about him in 2-3 hours why would he think you're interested in him? He was probably wondering the same thing - "this person hasn't asked me anything about me in 2-3 hrs".

If you want TRUE RESULTS (rather than playing games and trying to get somebody else to do something) - do it YOURSELF first and lead. That will get you results.

The second thing he isnt taking it seriously because I dont have apicturen of mine but still hasnt asked me to put one. .

Why does he have to ask?

Did you volunteer anything personal about yourself? Or was that up to him as well?

It seems like you have all these small tests and expectations, but what was your contribution to this exchange exactly?

I am sorry, but I wouldn't continue any further based on what you shared. He doesn't know what you look like, the conversation was flat (your opinion) and you live 40 miles apart.

Why don't you have a picture up to begin with?

Why would you go into this with a disadvantage?

That's not ghosting. Ghosting is spending time talking a lot for an extended period of time or dating someone (not just one to three dates) and then they vanish. This just sounds like you had one txt convo and he decided he didn't wanna talk anymore.

Agree it's not ghosting. It's fizzling out because the conversation is boring and he doesn't know what you look like. You probably know what he looks like right? Usually no faces get no, or rare, responses on online dating sites. I can bet you will get a lot more responses if you at least post your picture. The mystery of you possibly being, say, jabba the hut can be forboding rather than exciting.

I know that I should take it more seriously, but I am saving my reputation, in my mind comes everybody that I know when I put a pic there. I know too many poeple since I have a good career and dont wanna look silly or inmature by using online dating. Actually no offense but just 1% of people there could be a good match, so this apps do not have a good reputation, or considered like hook up apps, but I am actually not in position for that. I am not married tho ,Im single, but have some standards or maybe for some poeple they may be complexes.

I get that online dating is a bizarro little universe. Still, why make it more bizarro by creating rules?

Personally, I can't imagine swiping on someone without a picture. Maybe if, I don't know, I was feeling the need for a 2-3 hour random conversation with a total stranger, but, well, that's not really my thing. Imagine it would get pretty flat pretty quick.

Doesn't sound like it's yours, either, which may be the lesson here. No one ghosted, far from it.

My general rule with online dating, which I think is pretty typical, goes something like this: does the photo entice me enough to swipe right? Is there enough evidence of wit and intelligence in about 6 texts to make me want to see how a glass of wine goes? If the answer is yes to both those, great. If not, also great. Time's too precious to get into a wormhole on there when the better wormholes are out in the wilds or IRL.

I know that I should take it more seriously, but I am saving my reputation, in my mind comes everybody that I know when I put a pic there. I know too many poeple since I have a good career and dont wanna look silly or inmature by using online dating. Actually no offense but just 1% of people there could be a good match, so this apps do not have a good reputation, or considered like hook up apps, but I am actually not in position for that. I am not married tho ,Im single, but have some standards or maybe for some poeple they may be complexes.

I am not sure what you are worried about when it comes to reputation... online dating is a perfectly socially acceptable way to meet people. If you don't have pictures, people will think you are hiding something... whether it's your appearance, or your relationship status, or something else. Personally, I don't bother with anyone that hasn't put their pictures up.

It sounds like you tried to make it as difficult as possible for this person to get to know you... thinking you were being mysterious... unfortunately it backfired and he got tired of prying for information and lost interest. Not the same as ghosting.

Look, the point of using a dating app is to go out on dates. People have posted on ENA their stories about texting prospective dates for months and even years without ever actually meeting the other person. To be quite honest, there are people online who are married or in relationships who are just feeling lonely and will waste your time. Some people have actually put their lives on hold until they finally realize they're in a relationship will never happen in real life.

So after talking to this guy for 2-3 hours, you should have asked a simple question: when can we meet? That is the quickest way to call anyone's bluff. If they start giving you excuses about meeting up, you know something is wrong. Some people on ENA have suggested giving someone a deadline of 2 weeks to meet in person and then forget about them. They're not serious. Even if they're out saving the world, they can find an hour to meet you within 2 weeks for coffee.

When I was answering singles ads back in my younger days, I would call up someone, talk to them for 5 minutes and ask, when can we meet? That's all you have to do. Just say, when can we meet? If they make excuses or ghost you, then you know they were probably lying to you. The Internet makes it too easy to be something you're not. There is no reason to text some guy for a year or two only to find out he's 53-years old and living in Jakarta. And you don't have to wait 2-3 hours to do it. After 5 minutes, just ask, when can we meet? Then you will know if they're serious or not. And you will save a lot of time and effort.

I am not sure what you are worried about when it comes to reputation... online dating is a perfectly socially acceptable way to meet people. If you don't have pictures, people will think you are hiding something... whether it's your appearance, or your relationship status, or something else. Personally, I don't bother with anyone that hasn't put their pictures up.

 

It sounds like you tried to make it as difficult as possible for this person to get to know you... thinking you were being mysterious... unfortunately it backfired and he got tired of prying for information and lost interest. Not the same as ghosting.

I agree. In the old days when there weren't smartphones/no easy way to upload photos/take photos not having a photo posted was ok if you were willing to send one. These days I suspect it's not ok. In 2005 when I stopped dating it really wasn't appropriate not to post a photo. Some people -teachers/professors didn't so their students didn't see them but with rare exception -no photo -very little interest.

Look, the point of using a dating app is to go out on dates. People have posted on ENA their stories about texting prospective dates for months and even years without ever actually meeting the other person. To be quite honest, there are people online who are married or in relationships who just feeling lonely and will waste your time. People have put their lives on hold until they finally realize a relationship will never happen.

 

So after talking to this guy for 2-3 hours, you should have asked a simple question: when can we meet? That is the quickest way to call anyone's bluff. If they start giving you excuses about meeting up, you know something is wrong. Some people on ENA have suggested giving someone a deadline of 2 weeks to meet in person and then forget about them. They're not serious. Even if they're out saving the world, they can find an hour to meet you within 2 weeks for coffee.

 

When I was answering singles ads back in my younger days, I would call up someone, talk to them for 5 minutes and say, when can we meet? That's all you have to do. Just say, when can we meet? If they make excuses or ghost you, then you know they were probably lying to you. The Internet makes it too easy to be something you're not. There is no reason to text some guy for a year or two only to find out he's 53-years old and living in Jakarta. And you don't have to wait 2-3 hours to do it. After 5 minutes, just ask, when can we meet? Then you will know if they're serious or not.

Oh God, when can wee meet just after 5 minutes is too early for me. I mean there are a bunch of guys that would also waste my time in the first date, right? So, I need some conversation before I go out. For me what a person does in his life like his profession and his artistic background like music, movie etc and noot being creepy or needy in a teh conversation is enough. But before this I cannot do it, going on a date with a random guy. I ma saying this cause in the country where I live most of tinder bios are I like sports and I like beer So, probably there are so many horny people just looking for a date. I know the answer I go out and see, yeah but this is also loss of time, so I would prefer taht conversation before, but that was way too much, tho 2-3 hours and he wasn't changing topic

Well, you're meeting in public for coffee or ice cream or cheese cake. It's not like you're meeting them in their apartment at midnight! Appearance and body language can tell you an awful lot about a person. I don't see the problem. You use the date to talk to each other, not the phone, but to each their own.

Seeing you've listed enough negative reasons for doing it, then the question begs - why bother?

I get it's not for everyone but if you go into it stacking everything against you, I'm not sure you'd be surprised you got so little in return.

Try it again. Invest some effort and then judge your results.

I know that I should take it more seriously, but I am saving my reputation, in my mind comes everybody that I know when I put a pic there. I know too many poeple since I have a good career and dont wanna look silly or inmature by using online dating. Actually no offense but just 1% of people there could be a good match, so this apps do not have a good reputation, or considered like hook up apps, but I am actually not in position for that. I am not married tho ,Im single, but have some standards or maybe for some poeple they may be complexes.

"Saving" your reputation? Please. No one cares that much nowadays. What's mature is knowing what you want and having the confidence to pursue it, no matter what other people may think. This gives you respect. Going on an online dating site is becoming more mainstream now. I've had friends, even family, go on dating sites and found someone. My brother found his longest, current relationship on tinder while my cousin found her husband, already with a kid in tow. One of my best friends has browsed them in the past, while another good friend has found a good partner on there as well after a very long dry spell. All lovely people btw. Some other friends of mine have browsed the site as well, while I find it fun to help them out with their profiles and to start a conversation on there - I think nothing of it! You shouldn't worry too much about what others think.

I used to be like you. I've only used it once. I didn't put my profile picture out there until after a couple weeks of hardly any responses. I decided to put my picture up, then I got flooded with guys trying to match and talk to me. It was overwhealming. I did put up and take my picture down multiple times, out of nervousness. However, once you grab a few dates and go out long enough, you can eventually sort through to one you want to stick with. It becomes really easy to put yourself out there and maintain your own boundaries, values, and preferences.

While I had guys who were interested in me IRL and had random ones ask me out cold in public before, I liked how I could add online dating as another arsenal in my dating repertoire. It feels no different than when I accepted a random date from a total stranger asking me out on the street. It is empowering to know it is this easy and the guys know your intentions up front. No dancing around the subject, or the akwardness of you trying to date a guy in a friendship group, work, or at your hobby spot and it not working out. They're random people you get to know in public, safely, and they don't have ties to your life if it goes south.

You said a few things that seem to contradict each other. First, you are irritated that someone may have wasted 2 hours of conversation with you on an app, before it fizzled out. (As an aside, if the conversation wasn't interesting, why are you still interested, let alone wondering about his interest?) Next, you say that you don't want to meet to soon because your time will be wasted in person, and you'd rather that was over text.

I think you have a good idea there with at least a little conversation, but you need to decide what the purpose of that conversation is going to be. If it is a screener to find out who you could meet in person, you need to use it as such. If the guy isn't moving the conversation where you need it to move to do its job as a screener, you'll have to move it there. And if you can't get him there, then your communication styles probably just don't work, and you should end the conversation sooner rather than later. I wouldn't spend more than an hour or two before making the estimation: is this someone I want to meet, and then if so, finding out of they are interested in meeting me as well.

You can't really get away from your time being "wasted" - not every random connection is going to be one that leads to a relationship. And it can take some time to figure out if that is even a possibility or not. I know you know this - but the idea is to not overspend where you won't be rewarded.

Your no picture thing - it will screen people out. Is it screening the right people out? Probably not. You are already wasting their time by making them ask to see it first. So you are attracting people who are OK with you wasting their time - higher chance that they will be OK wasting yours perhaps?

It can be tough out there, so good luck!

So much entitlement, attempted manipulation and narcissism. Are you sure you are in the right place to be dating? Since you seem like you are too good for online dating or even putting a picture, why are you bothering?

Why should a guy pick you with no pic, I'm sure if a guy had no pic you would have a lot to say about it, would you not?

And he spoke with you for two hours and it sounded at least somewhat interesting, but he wasn't jumping through your hoops to talk specifically about you. So you decided to watch a movie, but not the one he suggested, and you told him you were going to watch something else. Sounds like you were rude and it sounds like for good reason he is not interested in continuing a conversation.

From what you write, I get a vibe of I'm too good for everyone, so I wonder what you are getting out of posting here?

Tinder is a free throw-away site full of garbage looking for hookups. Why you would be on that app? There are much better sites to finds higher quality people but you'll have to subscribe and pay for that. You would also have to compose a decent profile, answer some questions and provide a couple of recent good pics of yourself.

You can sign up for some higher quality sites such as Bumble, eHarmony, Match, etc where the profiles tend to have more content, subscribers tend to be more serious and for real and the search criteria are more defined than a pic, location and swipe left or right. Having a decent social life with groups, clubs, classes, courses, volunteering, a nice circle of friends, etc. also helps a lot to meet people in real life.

You can have a brief round of messaging to determine mutual interest but prolonged discussions about "artistic tastes, musical tastes" etc are pointless (and very boring) with a person you have never seen or met. It's not a "waste of time" to arrange a brief coffee meet to ascertain any chemistry, attraction and desire for a second date. If you stay on cheap trashy sites and refuse to meet people in person "because it's a waste of time", you are going to have a very difficult time finding anyone.

in the country where I live most of tinder bios are I like sports and I like beer. probably there are so many horny people just looking for a date.

Tinder is a free throw-away site full of garbage looking for hookups. Why you would be on that app? There are much better sites to finds higher quality people but you'll have to subscribe and pay for that. You would also have to compose a decent profile, answer some questions and provide a couple of recent good pics of yourself.

 

You can sign up for some higher quality sites such as Bumble, eHarmony, Match, etc where the profiles tend to have more content, subscribers tend to be more serious and for real and the search criteria are more defined than a pic, location and swipe left or right. Having a decent social life with groups, clubs, classes, courses, volunteering, a nice circle of friends, etc. also helps a lot to meet people in real life.

 

You can have a brief round of messaging to determine mutual interest but prolonged discussions about "artistic tastes, musical tastes" etc are pointless (and very boring) with a person you have never seen or met. It's not a "waste of time" to arrange a brief coffee meet to ascertain any chemistry, attraction and desire for a second date. If you stay on cheap trashy sites and refuse to meet people in person "because it's a waste of time", you are going to have a very difficult time finding anyone.

Exactly what I am saying. I am going to give the ones you are suggesting a try. By the way, this is outside the scope of the forum but if I hide my card in tinder could other people see my picture or just my matches?

I'm going to agree with everyone here. You take a 50% role in what you're doing, and if the initial texts aren't going in the direction you want (what you and he do for a living or personal interests), then you should bring up the topic. You know you connect well in art, and that was the ice-breaker to approaching you and get things started.

The second issue is when he did ask you out, you decided to play coy and hard to get and said you had other plans. You're a game-player. In addition to not posting your picture, you took no personal interest in him, and while he was willing to meet you in person, you blew him off.

No matter what, dating can be a "waste of time," if that's the attitude you wish to carry. Whether it's a 1-2 hour coffee date or 1-2 hours of texting, a certain chunk of time will be lost to someone who turns out to be not the one, and it's really going to bring you down if you feel this was a total waste or that any man you speak with will be your soul mate. You're setting yourself up for failure.

I have met very few who I would consider to be a complete waste. It may be a bad connection but some fun conversation and a night out, possibly some smooching, and we part ways. I got out of the house, met someone new, had some good discussion, learned what I like and don't like, and it's all good. It can be tiring and sometimes it brings you down, and you need to take a break from it, but playing games and playing coy and having a list of rules that only you know about are going to lead to more failure than success.

I suggest you re-think your approach. You're the one being super-secretive by not posting a picture, so I do think the burden is on you to be a little more bold in opening that door to more personal discussion...you let them know it's okay. Also, the time-waster is spending too much time on texting. The real test is an in-person meet, and you can meet for coffee, drinks, ice cream, cheesecake, a public setting, something short that could turn into long or a second date.

Just delete tinder. It's garbage. Are you married or not allowed to date? What is the paranoia about posting a pic on reputable dating sites?

if I hide my card in tinder could other people see my picture or just my matches?

I'm going to agree with everyone here. You take a 50% role in what you're doing, and if the initial texts aren't going in the direction you want (what you and he do for a living or personal interests), then you should bring up the topic. You know you connect well in art, and that was the ice-breaker to approaching you and get things started.

 

The second issue is when he did ask you out, you decided to play coy and hard to get and said you had other plans. You're a game-player. In addition to not posting your picture, you took no personal interest in him, and while he was willing to meet you in person, you blew him off.

 

No matter what, dating can be a "waste of time," if that's the attitude you wish to carry. Whether it's a 1-2 hour coffee date or 1-2 hours of texting, a certain chunk of time will be lost to someone who turns out to be not the one, and it's really going to bring you down if you feel this was a total waste or that any man you speak with will be your soul mate. You're setting yourself up for failure.

 

I have met very few who I would consider to be a complete waste. It may be a bad connection but some fun conversation and a night out, possibly some smooching, and we part ways. I got out of the house, met someone new, had some good discussion, learned what I like and don't like, and it's all good. It can be tiring and sometimes it brings you down, and you need to take a break from it, but playing games and playing coy and having a list of rules that only you know about are going to lead to more failure than success.

 

I suggest you re-think your approach. You're the one being super-secretive by not posting a picture, so I do think the burden is on you to be a little more bold in opening that door to more personal discussion...you let them know it's okay. Also, the time-waster is spending too much time on texting. The real test is an in-person meet, and you can meet for coffee, drinks, ice cream, cheesecake, a public setting, something short that could turn into long or a second date.

Probably you are confusing with other threads. He didnt ask me out. Anyway thanks for the advice

Just delete tinder. It's garbage. Are you married or not allowed to date? What is the paranoia about posting a pic on reputable dating sites?

Exactly the reputation is that the city is small and i know many people here like friends, collegues etc etc. Now as you said, since we all know that tinder is a hook up app, I dont wanna appear there.

Probably you are confusing with other threads. He didnt ask me out. Anyway thanks for the advice

Perhaps a major language barrier, but:

He told me that he wanted to continue talking to me, but again I ddnt consider that. He also suggested me a movie to watch but I told him I was going to se smth else.

That sounded to me like he wanted to see a movie with you and you blew him off.

Of course there is always:

Hello,

He told me that he wanted to continue talking to me, but again **I ddnt consider that**. He also suggested me a movie to watch but I told him I was going to se smth else.

You didn't consider continuing to talk with him, so why are you so upset he's no longer interested in talking/texting with you?

Oh God, when can wee meet just after 5 minutes is too early for me. I mean there are a bunch of guys that would also waste my time in the first date, right? So, I need some conversation before I go out. For me what a person does in his life like his profession and his artistic background like music, movie etc and noot being creepy or needy in a teh conversation is enough. But before this I cannot do it, going on a date with a random guy. I ma saying this cause in the country where I live most of tinder bios are I like sports and I like beer So, probably there are so many horny people just looking for a date. I know the answer I go out and see, yeah but this is also loss of time, so I would prefer taht conversation before, but that was way too much, tho 2-3 hours and he wasn't changing topic

Don't go on a date. meet for 45 minutes for coffee and if you feel comfortable and have enough in common consider going on a first date. I don't think you learn anything relevant about chemistry or compatibility beyond exchanging a few messages and having one phone call (and that's mostly for safety reasons IMO). I would do a dating site that is geared to people looking for potentially serious relationships.

Delete the app. On more reputable serious sites that you Pay For, you will need to subscribe, compose a well written profile in the proper local language, (with proper spelling and grammar and at least comprehensible and not as confusing as the writing here) answer some questionnaires and post at least a couple of recent good looking pics. Then you will need to set up your preferences for distance and certain other criteria for who you want to be matched with.

Then you either start messaging someone and decide to meet up or not. However if you play games and refuse to meet in person in a timely fashion or refuse to post recent clear pics, don't expect to meet anyone or have good results.

If you want to play hide-and-seek games and not post pics or engage in nonsense conversations without meeting in person, then you may as well stay on free garbage sites like tinder.

If you are hiding your appearance and keep being unavailable to meet, then don't date at all on any sites including trash such as tinder. Men will just dismiss you as a catfish or scammer if you refuse to post pics or meet in person.

Exactly the reputation is that the city is small and i know many people here like friends, collegues etc etc.