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Thread: How long do you want someone to be out of a relationship before you start dating

  1. #11
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I would maybe ask some kind of probing question to see how much they talk about their ex. It’s hard to do that without talking about your ex too - or seeming desperate or something - but I think it can be done. I’ll think on questions to see if I can come up with anything graceful

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    I hope I’d be a good judge! I’m going on a first date with someone tomorrow and I have suspiciisons that her ex is still lingering around.
    Well. . it is just a date, not a marriage proposal.
    Dating is the discovery period. Take your time and trust that she'll give herself away if it's so.

  3. #13
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    How long do you want someone to be out of a relationship before you start dating

    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    I would maybe ask some kind of probing question to see how much they talk about their ex. It’s hard to do that without talking about your ex too - or seeming desperate or something - but I think it can be done. I’ll think on questions to see if I can come up with anything graceful
    Usually, my dates in the past always bring up their ex on their own. It’s something I never bring up, especially on a first date and looking back, every date I went on who talked about their ex, I wasn’t interested in them afterwards. Don’t know if that was subconsciously the cause though

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    Usually, my dates in the past always bring up their ex on their own. It’s something I never bring up, especially on a first date and looking back, every date I went on who talked about their ex, I wasn’t interested in them afterwards. Don’t know if that was subconsciously the cause though
    Call me crazy, but I kind of love when people talk about their exes on dates. If it has a tone of obsession, that kind of unresolved edge—great, information. Probably not what I'm into, unless, hey, I'm also in that edgy spot, and then we can go down some consensual semi-nihilistic (but totally honest) road together. Have done that once or twice, am probably done with that mode of dating, but can't say good times weren't had.

    But when it's just kind of matter-of-fact about an ex—cool, dig it. Because I'm a grown up too and find the whole little game of pretending we're virgins meeting in a field to be kind of lame. The exes become the elephants in the room. Kind of prefer to just call it all what is—two people, with pasts, seeing what's presently up.

    In some perfect world, we wait until an ex is fully purged, but it's so rarely the case. Sometimes they're barely purged, sometimes half purged, sometimes 80 percent purged—and, lo and behold, it is meeting some enticing new person who dilutes the remaining residue. That can be sincere, can lead to great stuff. All in all, I kind of think that relationships work when two people meet and for whatever reason can carry the weight of the other with ease, whatever that weight may be.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    it's not a length of time that determines this.. it is their emotional state. you answered you're own question - you do not want to be a REBOUND relationship. Thus the answer to your question is "when you are not a rebound relationship for them."

    but how can you tell? The rule i always use is this - "when the person is just as fine being single as they are wanting to be with somebody." In more specific terms, it means they're life is no longer affected in any way by their past (except for maybe if they have kids and they need to shuttle the kids back and forth). But other than that, nothing from their past bothers them, affects them, can change their mood, change what they intend and want to do.

  7. #16
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    I agree with bc.

    I welcome any discussion that allows me to dig further into his brain/psyche, where he is at that moment, information is power especially in the early stages. Including a discussion about an ex.

    The only time I will not welcome such discussion is if/when he starts trashing his ex in a very derogatory way and I can sense his hostility, which has happened.

    I do not welcome that nor will I entertain it.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Call me crazy, but I kind of love when people talk about their exes on dates. If it has a tone of obsession, that kind of unresolved edge—great, information. Probably not what I'm into, unless, hey, I'm also in that edgy spot, and then we can go down some consensual semi-nihilistic (but totally honest) road together. Have done that once or twice, am probably done with that mode of dating, but can't say good times weren't had.

    But when it's just kind of matter-of-fact about an ex—cool, dig it. Because I'm a grown up too and find the whole little game of pretending we're virgins meeting in a field to be kind of lame. The exes become the elephants in the room. Kind of prefer to just call it all what is—two people, with pasts, seeing what's presently up.

    In some perfect world, we wait until an ex is fully purged, but it's so rarely the case. Sometimes they're barely purged, sometimes half purged, sometimes 80 percent purged—and, lo and behold, it is meeting some enticing new person who dilutes the remaining residue. That can be sincere, can lead to great stuff. All in all, I kind of think that relationships work when two people meet and for whatever reason can carry the weight of the other with ease, whatever that weight may be.
    I really like this post. It kind of puts things in a different perspective for me personally.

  9. #18
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    What exactly is a "rebound" anyway? I've never understood this.

    Unless we are dating someone who has never had a RL, aren't we all rebounds?

    Our past always affects our present, no matter how long it's been since we've broken up.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    I really like this post. It kind of puts things in a different perspective for me personally.
    Most of bc's posts do.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Unless we are dating someone who has never had a RL, aren't we all rebounds?
    Preach!

    I mean, if we could all just kind of accept this we'd cut out a whole lot of mental noise on these matters. Because, well, it's true.

    Yes, there's the dark rebound stuff—the quick swipe 24 hours post breakup, the bedroom romp after 48 hours, the week of whimsical love bombing followed by the jittery freakout. Not so fun, though most of us have some experience in that little swamp, and that experience can create some antennas that warn us when we might be getting a bit swampy again.

    But, all in all, we are all rebounds. We ain't virgins in a field, but beautifully filthy adult humans learning every day how to wear those dirty clothes with some dignity and panache. And, man, when we can, together, for a few months, for a few years—c'mon, what's more fun than that?

    If I'm out with someone new, of course she's comparing me to where she's been before, whether it was two weeks ago or two years. Superficial stuff: the shape of my body, my hair, my breath. Less superficial: my smarts (or lack thereof), the way I listen (or fail to), my general vibe. Ideally she likes what she sees, and she likes it in part because it's a bit different from what she last saw—the thing that didn't work. Oh, hey, this bluecastle guy is kinda sweet where greencastle was sour, kinda funny where yellowcastle was self-serious.

    And, sure, there may be something about me that triggers a melancholy little swoon for those days with redcastle—all good, because it would be kind of weird if she hated redcastle. After all, they shared space, once upon a time, and only time will tell if redcastle is glowing a little too brightly in her head and heart to make room for little old me.

    True story: was on a date yesterday. Talk of tattoos came up. She had one—her ex's name, on her ribs. It was adorable (as were her ribs—blush) and a cute story: he's got her name on his thigh. I dug it, dug the whole way she told it: an elegant woman with some life lived, with a sense of humor about the winds of life and love. Green flag moment, you know, in the form of ex banter.

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