Has anyone dealt with relationship anxiety before?

Ever since I can remember I have had some form of relationship anxiety. Even if I haven't even gotten into a relationship yet, there have been times since I was 15 that guys have tried to start something with me and I'd go completely off my food (and I'm usually a stress eater so it takes a lot for me to go off food), have endless stressed out thoughts about whether they are right for me and eventually distance myself from them as a result (and often regret it later- but not always as sometimes it turns out the negative thoughts were correct).

I have been dating a really good friend of mine for 2 months now and overall things have been going great (and I have a lot to judge on for 2 months because we see each other pretty much daily) and I have felt overwhelmingly positive about this relationship (more than about any relationship in the past) and until this anxiety hit I could really see it going somewhere.

However, and I have known it since before we were together but to chose to accept it and date him anyway because I felt like the positives outweighed this, he can often be rude/mean/insensitive. And he often makes direct comments about peoples' characters (including his own) based on isolated things they do or say. They come across off-hand but can still be hurtful. For the most part I enjoy being with him very much, but he will occasionally make direct remarks about me as a person which hurt me. For example, saying I am not observant, not patient, not good at listening and things like that. He says them off-hand rather than in some sort of angry or intentionally insulting way but it still definitely hurts me and I find it completely unnecessary to point out such random flaws that have very little impact on him. I certainly haven't gone around picking at any of his and never would.

Anyway until last night none of this has bothered me to the point of anxiety and I have been really happy that no anxiety has hit me yet. However, last night I was asking a question about an exam we had today on a group convo he is in and he went very mean at me because he was getting frustrated with my question for whatever reason. He apologised (without me mentioning it or being angry on the convo) very quickly after but it only made me feel more upset because I could no longer tell myself it was just in my head that he was being mean.

After that I struggled very much to concentrate on anything, and then before the exam we were talking about cars and he said something about patients judging their vets' cars so we (in vet school) should avoid having cars that are too flashy or something and I was trying to make the point that in a full parking lot you don't know which car belongs to who, by saying I don't know what car my vet has, and he said that's because I am not very observant.

He also said something off-hand about me and my friend disastarising something on the group convo when all I had done was answer a question and then change my mind about it and say I was wrong. I just feel like I am constantly on edge about what I am doing in case he finds another reason why I am doing something wrong or why it reflects on a negative character, even though the things he says are incredibly subtle and, if we were just friends, I wouldn't even notice them at all.

It upset me that he would continue to try to put me down and it made my anxiety spiral even more out of control, so during the exam I could barely concentrate and blanked on several things.

He does compliment me as well, but it seems pretty weighed out by comments like this.

Essentially, I know that this behaviour is not something I want to put up with, but I want to deal with it after exams and not now. Furthermore, there are so many good things about this relationship that I don't want to lose, so I really just want to tell him next time seriously to just stop doing that because I really don't appreciate it. I also don't even know if I am overreacting for a relatively minor thing that has barely been an issue for me until my anxiety exploded over this.

But regardless, I do still have 4 exams left and I am finding my anxiety over this is suddenly so bad that I am completely dysfunctional. Not only can I only see the entire relationship in a negative light now, when until 24h ago I was overwhelmed with positive feelings about it, but I also cannot concentrate on anything and these are not going to be easy exams to pass even without anxiety. I feel jittery, completely numb in the head, my heart rate is out of whack and and I am incapable of concentrating on anything but this. Worst of all 80% of the anxiety comes not from the relationship, the situation or anything like that, but rather the anxiety of getting anxious, as I have gotten debilitatingly anxious over this stuff in the past. If I could somehow convince myself that this doesn't have to turn into anxiety or that it will go away then I could just be upset at him for these things without the anxiety, but I am scared I won't be able to do that. I have constant thoughts circling about the relationship, what it might turn into in future, that he only wants me for my body because he clearly thinks so negatively of me as a person, and just repeating these things I have written down over and over and getting more and more angry about something that if this wasn't making me anxious I would just leave for me to deal with at a more suitable time and enjoy the positive aspects of the relationship until then. I think part of it is also coming from going a little insane in my room studying (and nothing but studying, including not seeing my boyfriend) non-stop for my 7 exams, and I have had so many thoughts about this relationship and started to make myself believe that this was going to be finally a relationship that would last and I would be happy in and not have to keep searching for people or being alone and now this sudden change in my own attitude, even though he is the same as he was when I was thinking those positive thoughts, has made that all come crashing down.

So essentially I am asking (a) am I overreacting (but please don't be harsh about the situation or him because it will 100% perpetuate my anxiety further and I don't want to screw my exams up for it) and (b) has anyone else experienced anxiety from relationship issues and how did they solve it?? I don't have the time for counselling as I have an exam every second day.

(I am not sure how people will see this from an external perspective but please do not give me advice like break it off etc. because that is not what I am after right now, I am just trying to get by mentally to be able to pass my exams and any further negative thoughts will make my anxiety spiral out of control)

Thank you in advance.

Well, you're under a lot of stress and in situations like these, it's easy to have your mind race through all sorts of thoughts. You may be in a full panic. I would usually advise that you don't make any rash decisions right now, such as about breaking up, and try to relax, take deep breaths, maybe take some hot baths or showers, drink some warm milk or tea, and try to quiet your mind. Try to distract yourself with hanging out with friends, perhaps in studying groups, and try to get enough sleep.

You're right that after exams, you should revisit the question of your boyfriend. He's certainly doing some negative things and you'll be thinking clearer when your exams are over. Then you can weigh the pros with the cons and see where it leads you.

This isn't all down to relationship anxiety, OP. I don't think you're over-reacting, in the sense that you do have valid cause for concern about your boyfriend.

You are stressed, yes. You clearly suffer from overwhelming anxiety at times, yes. No relationship is filled with only positive elements so there are bound to be moments that irritate us. But he doesn't sound like a particularly great person. After exams, think carefully about whether this is the type of guy you really want to date.

Ultimately, we cannot tell you how to calm yourself down during your exam period. Only you know what works for you. Remember that you don't need to make a decision right now, but that your gut is talking to you.

Hi pachlevel,

Good for you for reaching out and putting your thoughts and feelings down. It takes a lot of courage and self awareness to do that!

With regard to your boyfriend, he sounds like he is quite judgmental. I guess we are all on a spectrum of this, but some of us are more judgmental than others. I personally find it to be a very unattractive trait, but after your exams, you should come to your own conclusions. Please know that these comments that he makes are no real reflection on you, or your worth as a human being, they are simply HIM being him. In my experience that tendency to be judgmental can soften with age, but I am still struggling with my own judgment sometimes even now. It is going to be up to him to learn to grow out of it. No matter what you do, you won't be able to change him. So, I would advise against calling him out on it, until the exams are over.

Please know that you are at the beginning of your adult life and you will meet other men. Every relationship you have will teach your mind that you don't need to react to the relationship and the anxiety will reduce. This (current) relationship has been a fantastic way to help train your mind not to suffer from anxiety in the future. Every time we get exposure to the things that cause our anxiety, we get better at managing them!

In terms of your anxiety for these exams, I agree with the others above. Also, anxiety is actually CAUSED (physiologically) by fast, shallow breathing, so I would advise that twice a day for every day from now on that you sit quietly, breathe deeply in for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four and release your breath for a count of four - and do this twenty times. This is the fastest and most effective way to both treat an anxiety attack and to train your mind to better deal with anxiety in the future.

Best of luck with your exams! It is exciting that you are studying vet science!! Interesting :-)

Cheers,

Chai

His abusive side and "nice" side come as a package deal. End it asap.

Hi pachzevel!

How are you going with this? Are you hanging in there? How are your exams going?

Cheers :-)

Chai

Surviving! I feel a lot better about things and the anxiety has essentially subsided. I think once I realise it doesn't have to turn into anxiety, the anxiety can go away at times because half the anxiety comes from a fear of the anxiety in itself!