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Thread: Best Friend is 26 (F) seeing 54 (M)

  1. #31
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Call it ageism all you like, but it IS gross that a 54 year old is dating a 20 something, even grosser that he is her father's friend and knew her since she was a little girl.
    You can't get more sick than that.
    Thank you!

    I know she has a right to date whoever.

    But it takes a certain type of man to go out his way to get his friend's daughter's number at his friend's birthday!

    Then proceed to push and date her.

    I read the messages he used to send her. Very full on at the beginning before they were even a "thing".

    There was a time she pulled away and said she wasn't comfortable with the age gap. She showed me the messages. It was clear she wanted out. This was all her by the way. I would never tell someone what to say or do in their relationship.

    He called her and begged her to "give them a chance".

    She had her doubts after a couple of dates. As she didn't feel comfortable that his kids are older than her.

    Also his bee belly even repulsed her at the beginning. She was saying how when they was on their first date it pressed against and knocked the table. He planted a kiss on her that evening. Shocked her.

    All of that she pulled back. Granted she should have been stronger. I genuinely think he fed on the "daddy issues" she has. He knows the family and knows her history with her Dad. I honestly feel he used that to get her.

    He lead everything following him "begging" her to try. He pushed the sexual stuff. Remember her asking for advice on sexting and stuff as he was very niave to it all. I just couldn't bring myself to advice her as by this point I found out a lot about him.

    People can judge me for judging but I feel the situation I described is not your clasiic relationship.

    Yes this is her mistake to make.

    But two of her friends know about it.

    Yes our friendship may be ending. But what sort of a friend am I to let it just end and not at least voice my opinion on the matter before.

    We all make mistakes but sometimes we need help seeing them from someone else's perspective.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree, Jellybean. Everything you said made sense.

    If I were you, I'd be thinking and doing the same things!

  3. #33
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Update:

    If anyone cares... Just want to conclude it.

    So I haven't seen her back since...

    Since I've last saw her, I've had a "break-up" and resigned from work. As well as the odd other bits.

    We had arranged to meet the week of the "break-up". This was arrange before I was "heartbroken". But she had to cancel as she was driving back to where her bf lives (and where I live) to see him before she goes on a 3 day holiday. Fair enough. It's her bf didn't think much of it.

    She said when she is back she would arrange to meet me. She came back and we didn't arrange anything. I reached out to try and meet her a day after work but it never planned out. Again I didn't think much of it and by this point I was super focused on work.

    Fast forward a couple weeks later and we still haven't met. The odd text chat that she was taking three days to reply to. But this point again I didn't think anything of it as I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

    In our text chats I had mentioned how miserable at work I was. So she was aware and she knew it was making me unhappy.

    She messages me to meet one day after work. As she lives near my work. I explained I've been signed off sick from work. So based up and home and won't be coming down to the city.

    Her reply was "what do you have to be stressed about?"

    Anyway I explained and left it as that.

    I think she reached out once to meet but I was busy with some other friends. I don't think she took that well. But I needed to get out.

    I eventually handed in my resignation. She messaged asking me when I was starting work. I explained I've handed in my notice. Her message was "why on Earth have you done that?"

    I think I mentioned her message in an interview thread of mine. A lot of people said she was just being concerned. Maybe she was.

    I explained why I needed to. Which I thought she may have gathered due to the stress stuff. Then that was that. She hinted about meeting up again by which point I explained that I won't be venturing out to the city. It's an expensive commute by train and I currently don't drive.

    So now... We have been messaging backwards and forwards. I have since adopted the 3 day reply. As I used to message back instantly. Only to be waiting for a message days later. It wasn't to be nasty I have been awful with texting people back since leaving work and dealing with the fallout.

    I get a message from her saying "I feel like you have been neglecting me?"

    Maybe my actions above I have. But I've been so focused on me right now I haven't been given my 100%.

    She is used to me dropping everything when she needs me. She was having a crisis trying to contact an ex. I had a university exam the next day. I went to hers that night. Sat with her and spoke to her. Was a shoulder. Just an example.

    I do feel like a bad friend as maybe I have neglected her. But she has her boyfriend? In all fairness she doesn't need me to drop everything.

    I explained I wasn't neglecting her and just been focusing on me right now.

    She read it and hadn't replied.

    I feel like a bad friend as I feel she has reached out as maybe there is an issue with her old man. Like I said me and one other girl knows about it.

    Anyway.

    You guys did say that some friendships fizzle. Looks like this is the case here.

    I'm glad I listened to you guys and didn't mention how I felt awkward with her boyfriend. Or how I felt about him. So know that never caused a rift between our friendship.

    Just wanted to fill you guys in and say thanks. As you advice to leave it be was the best :)

    Classic case of people growing apart!

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. You've grown apart. Geographically and as far as place in life. She is happy with her job, bf etc and you are stressed about these things. Sounds like confiding in other friends may be a better idea. However do not emotion dump on people about your job stress this much.
    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    In our text chats I had mentioned how miserable at work I was.
    Her reply was "what do you have to be stressed about?"
    I explained I've handed in my notice. Her message was "why on Earth have you done that?"
    I get a message from her saying "I feel like you have been neglecting me?"

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  6. #35
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    I never have offloaded on friends emotionally.

    I've kept a lot of this stuff to myself. Hence by explosion on the thread which isn't as healthy either.

    Friends are meant to be there through good and bad times.

    I know if she ever comes to me with another problem I will be there.

    I don't have to engage.

    Like the other friend with depression I mentioned. That started dating a guy that's depressied. She has gone her own way and I won't be there to support people and interfere. As friendship is a two way street I believe.

    So I've taken my way out of being her person to emotionally burden. I would never do that to my friend's so shouldn't take that either.

    People just grow apart like I have with those two people.

    Yes I'm stressed with work and stuff. But that's just life. Friends that are there are worth having.

    I believe a friendship shouldn't be an effort.

    Just was keeping those updated as some people felt strongly about her dating her Dad's best mate. As far as I'm aware they are happy and I do wish them the best.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    She hinted about meeting up again by which point I explained that I won't be venturing out to the city. It's an expensive commute by train and I currently don't drive.
    Why not, "I won't be venturing out to the city, but I'd love to invite you for a visit here. I could put you up for making the trip..."?

  8. #37
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Why not, "I won't be venturing out to the city, but I'd love to invite you for a visit here. I could put you up for making the trip..."?
    If her desire to see you is predicated on only going out in the city, then that would answer that. Otherwise, you don't really have a reading on this because you never extended an invitation.

    ...and sorry for the self quote, that was an accident. ;)

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    Update:

    If anyone cares... Just want to conclude it.

    So I haven't seen her back since...

    Since I've last saw her, I've had a "break-up" and resigned from work. As well as the odd other bits.

    We had arranged to meet the week of the "break-up". This was arrange before I was "heartbroken". But she had to cancel as she was driving back to where her bf lives (and where I live) to see him before she goes on a 3 day holiday. Fair enough. It's her bf didn't think much of it.

    She said when she is back she would arrange to meet me. She came back and we didn't arrange anything. I reached out to try and meet her a day after work but it never planned out. Again I didn't think much of it and by this point I was super focused on work.

    Fast forward a couple weeks later and we still haven't met. The odd text chat that she was taking three days to reply to. But this point again I didn't think anything of it as I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

    In our text chats I had mentioned how miserable at work I was. So she was aware and she knew it was making me unhappy.

    She messages me to meet one day after work. As she lives near my work. I explained I've been signed off sick from work. So based up and home and won't be coming down to the city.

    Her reply was "what do you have to be stressed about?"

    Anyway I explained and left it as that.

    I think she reached out once to meet but I was busy with some other friends. I don't think she took that well. But I needed to get out.

    I eventually handed in my resignation. She messaged asking me when I was starting work. I explained I've handed in my notice. Her message was "why on Earth have you done that?"

    I think I mentioned her message in an interview thread of mine. A lot of people said she was just being concerned. Maybe she was.

    I explained why I needed to. Which I thought she may have gathered due to the stress stuff. Then that was that. She hinted about meeting up again by which point I explained that I won't be venturing out to the city. It's an expensive commute by train and I currently don't drive.

    So now... We have been messaging backwards and forwards. I have since adopted the 3 day reply. As I used to message back instantly. Only to be waiting for a message days later. It wasn't to be nasty I have been awful with texting people back since leaving work and dealing with the fallout.

    I get a message from her saying "I feel like you have been neglecting me?"

    Maybe my actions above I have. But I've been so focused on me right now I haven't been given my 100%.

    She is used to me dropping everything when she needs me. She was having a crisis trying to contact an ex. I had a university exam the next day. I went to hers that night. Sat with her and spoke to her. Was a shoulder. Just an example.

    I do feel like a bad friend as maybe I have neglected her. But she has her boyfriend? In all fairness she doesn't need me to drop everything.

    I explained I wasn't neglecting her and just been focusing on me right now.

    She read it and hadn't replied.

    I feel like a bad friend as I feel she has reached out as maybe there is an issue with her old man. Like I said me and one other girl knows about it.

    Anyway.

    You guys did say that some friendships fizzle. Looks like this is the case here.

    I'm glad I listened to you guys and didn't mention how I felt awkward with her boyfriend. Or how I felt about him. So know that never caused a rift between our friendship.

    Just wanted to fill you guys in and say thanks. As you advice to leave it be was the best :)

    Classic case of people growing apart!
    The bolded replies by her were snarky-sounding, which is exactly what I said in your other thread about her.

    She's choosing to be with this guy. Let her be. She's not asking for advice about him, so it's not your place to give it.

    This isn't about whether any of us would enjoy a 25 year age gap, or a relationship with a controlling partner, or both. This is about your friend, and she apparently enjoys all of this. Unless you see clear signs of abuse, it's not your place to say anything.

    My guess is, she misses your friendship, so she's reacting with snark.

    You can look at this two ways:
    --It's a friendship that has moved past its expiration date
    OR
    --It's a friendship that has moved into a different place, a different realm. You could stay friends with her, and just....hang out with her, or text, or keep in touch once in a while. This doesn't have to be an "attached at the hip" type of friendship, nor does it have to be never speaking to each other again.

    All it has to be are two friends who share a history and enjoy spending time together.

    As Catfeeder pointed out, you could have said that you weren't going to be in her area, but to give an alternative.

    For now, this seems to be causing you some distress, so I'd let it go. Not door-slamming letting it go, but just let if float away, for now.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    I have since adopted the 3 day reply. As I used to message back instantly. Only to be waiting for a message days later.
    Why all the mental gymnastics? Is it worth the effort? I don't think so.

    Let me give you an example of what happened with a friend of mine recently.

    We made plans for dinner in June, and she cancelled the night of the plans. Fine. My boyfriend and I went out instead.

    My friend and I rescheduled for August. She canceled a couple of nights before we were supposed to go out. Fine. I left it to her to reschedule.

    She texts me a couple of weeks later and apologizes for being so busy, says she owes me a phone call (we never talk on the phone so wth).

    I text right back (no game-playing) and tell her I'm free to talk at that moment. She says she's at work and that I should call her after five.

    I don't feel like talking to her anyway, so I don't call her. I feel mildly guilty about that. But not guilty enough to ever call her.

    YESTERDAY, she texted me with her new number. This is the first communication between us since late August.

    I responded immediately "Hi!" No counting minutes or hours or days. I just respond.

    She responds a few minutes later, all apologetic for not being in touch. I'm like, "Don't worry about it. How are you doing?"

    And so some sort of conversation resumes.

    It's so easy. This is my friend. She doesn't owe me anything. I don't owe her anything. We just like each other.



    I wonder if you are relying too much on your friend. And maybe she's relying too much on you.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Jellybean9

    Classic case of people growing apart!
    Actually, not.
    You purposefully waited at least 3 days to call/text her back every single time.
    Basically, you wanted her to be frustrated and stop trying to contact you.
    Who knows. They could have broken up.
    Well, you got what you wanted.



    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Why all the mental gymnastics? Is it worth the effort? I don't think so.

    Let me give you an example of what happened with a friend of mine recently.

    We made plans for dinner in June, and she cancelled the night of the plans. Fine. My boyfriend and I went out instead.

    My friend and I rescheduled for August. She canceled a couple of nights before we were supposed to go out. Fine. I left it to her to reschedule.

    She texts me a couple of weeks later and apologizes for being so busy, says she owes me a phone call (we never talk on the phone so wth).

    I text right back (no game-playing) and tell her I'm free to talk at that moment. She says she's at work and that I should call her after five.

    I don't feel like talking to her anyway, so I don't call her. I feel mildly guilty about that. But not guilty enough to ever call her.

    YESTERDAY, she texted me with her new number. This is the first communication between us since late August.

    I responded immediately "Hi!" No counting minutes or hours or days. I just respond.

    She responds a few minutes later, all apologetic for not being in touch. I'm like, "Don't worry about it. How are you doing?"

    And so some sort of conversation resumes.

    It's so easy. This is my friend. She doesn't owe me anything. I don't owe her anything. We just like each other.



    I wonder if you are relying too much on your friend. And maybe she's relying too much on you.
    Two mature adults who have different lives -- but pick up where they left off when they are able -- perfect.

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