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Thread: Best Friend is 26 (F) seeing 54 (M)

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    So even if I say anything to her. She will hold it against our friendship and peg me as the bitter friend.

    It's a tough one.
    This is true, and even as it alienates you from her, it would only embed her more deeply with him in some warped Romeo and Juliet us-against-the-world scenario.

    I skip that. When the goal is to see someone you love hurt less, then inflicting more pain on them that would only accomplish the opposite of what you'd want doesn't make much sense.

    If my BF were talented at bringing out the best in people, I'd give double dating a whirl. It could model for friend and whutshisname how loving partners treat one another. If it doesn't help to improve his treatment of her, it can possibly highlight for friend what she's missing by stark contrast.

    Otherwise, I'd apologize to friend that BF can't make it and opt out of playing third wheel on her dates. I'd tell her that I'd rather not hang out with a couple when I'm on my own. She can view that through an insulting lens if she chooses to, but then that becomes her issue instead of yours.

    Head high, and fingers crossed that she'll wise up at some point. If you come to sense that this is the case, you can offer help to her without badmouthing the old guy. You're smart enough to know how that can backfire.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I am much more straight forward, I would just tell her I am too uncomfortable around a man of his age, no need to go into how creepy he is, (even if it is the truth).

    Hopefully in time she will see for herself that this man is not doing her any favours and in fact, he is draining her from any life she might actually have enjoyed as a 20 something.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    What a pity you cant find a way to let her Dad know anonymously !!!

  4. #24
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Dad will find out sooner or later. Better later.

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  6. #25
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Haha I'm just not the sort or girl to cause that sort or drama. Hopefully her Dad finds out soon. Well if she ever falls pregnant he will obviously want to meet her babies father!

    Guess I'll accept not all friendships last.

    I'll sit back and wish her all the best

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is the main thing. You've grown apart. She wants to hang out with him and is no longer into the singles scene or hanging out with her gfs. Or she uses him as an excuse to distance herself from you, who knows?

    At any rate you can judge all you want, however being devious and telling her father, etc is childish, petty and nasty. So is wishing the worst for her such as her getting pregnant, her father disapproving etc. Raise above that kind of cattiness, snickering to yourself, etc. and your life will be happier and more peaceful. Focus on what kind of man you would like to date, not on what kind of men your friends date. Stay out of her love life if you don't approve.
    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    Guess I'll accept not all friendships last.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Meh, I don't think it's cattiness. What this old man is doing is gross, being as he's her fathers friend, it's even more devious. The father has a right to know, after all, it's his flesh and blood.

    OP doesn't have to tell him, but I hope he does find out.

    Neither this girl or this man are behaving in any decent respect and someone should say something.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's not "a pedophile". She is a 26 y/o grown woman who can date whomever she sees fit and she also doesn't need daddy's permission to date as a 26 y/o woman. Infantilizing and condescending, disapproving attitudes may be why she is distancing herself.

    Who wants friends that are disapproving and undermining? If someone can't stomach a friend's choice in partners whether it's due to racism, ageism, homophobia, whatever, then it's best to distance oneself.

  10. #29
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    I actually tried support her initially tried to support her when she came and told me she went on her first date with him.

    It wasn't until hearing more about him. Hearing how he was her Dad's best friend and how he knew her when she was a baby!

    Then getting to the stage when she is planning clubbing nights out or dinners with me and other friends. For him to just "show up". No keys... So she has to come home early or not go out at all.

    I'm sorry that is not normal boyfriend behavior.

    I'm not wishing her the worst either. How is her Dad finding out a bad thing? If you are dating someone it should be normal for all your family to know...

    Also I'm not wishing her pregnancy. She actually wants a child. He said he would happily father a child. They haven't been "careful". To me sounds a lot like he has already had a vasectomy or knows he is firing blanks. This was within three months of dating. Still no pregnancy... What 54 year old man is so eager to start a family with a girl they have only been dating for 3 months. He has three kids (all older than her) and two grandchildren. Does he really want another to add to the mix. Yes it's all speculative.

    I know she was always dead set against her Dad being much older than her mum when we was growing up as kids. So it's a value she has held and now is contracdicting herself. This is why as a friend I found it difficult to sit back and just deal with it.

    We grew up together and have always been there through great relationships and bad relationships. Supported each other through it all.

    Yes it's not my place to say anything. Which is why I haven't yet and thought I'll get some opinions before addressing it.

    As it will need to be something I address. As she had been focusing him on to me and my friends. The times I've met him he has made snide comments linked to my age. So that is not right within it's self. I wouldn't tolerate snide comments from anyone let alone my best friends boyfriend.

    I wouldn't say I am dissaproving or undermining.

    It's no different than a friend not liking their friends partner due to them being a cheat.

    He isn't a nice man. I don't have to pretend that he is to her. I'm a lot of things but I pride myself on being honest to myself and my friends.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Call it ageism all you like, but it IS gross that a 54 year old is dating a 20 something, even grosser that he is her father's friend and knew her since she was a little girl.
    You can't get more sick than that.

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