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Thread: Going trough hell. Help

  1. #21
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    Yeah sure, neglected each other when we spiraled down with the jobs etc.... I just didn't see it soon enough...

  2. #22
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    Just sitting in the same room now and no words since she gave me the ring back...

  3. 11-12-2018, 10:55 PM

  4. #23
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    Originally Posted by carrotpile
    Yeah sure, neglected each other when we spiraled down with the jobs etc.... I just didn't see it soon enough...
    I can't count how many guys have come through ENA and couldn't say that or any other words of self evaluation.
    It always the other person's fault and with that follows the critical nastiness that only serves to hurt themselves.

    While it's true they screwed-up you can't change them, and trying to so is a fool's errand.

    Good for you!. You're maturity will help you through this and you will heal quickly.

  5. #24
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    So after hours of silence.... she told me that she didn't mean to give me that ring permanent but as a sign and reminder that I did with coming there and she finally needs that space and time for herself.

    I understand that it is practically over. And all I can do is finally focus on myself. It's just weird how we are not yet ready to just end this pain of both of us for good?

    I think we both need this step to get on our own feet now generally. And also to be able to actually ask for the divorce.

    I don't know if there is anything left, I can or should do with regards of the relationship.

    But I clearly nees help to get on my own feet now again.... too much changed over the years (in thw wrong direction) in me. I don't even know anymore what it means find interest on my own and work up towards friendships with other people...
    Is there any book or tips in that regards that (if finally applied and not ignored) could help me to find back towards a life?

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  7. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She is having an affair and wants a divorce. All you can do is go to therapy privately to get some direction and guidance.
    Originally Posted by carrotpile
    she finally needs that space and time for herself. I think we both need this step to get on our own feet now generally. And also to be able to actually ask for the divorce.

  8. #26
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    Gary Smalley's "If only he knew"

    This book will not only help you to understand what, if anything you did wrong with her, but also understand all women.
    Yes, in time, you will have another women in your life, but in the meantime, figure out what you want to do with your wife.

    --
    Tell me about the earliest days of the relationship. Did you live together for four years and then suddenly marry, only to find her in an affair after one month?

  9. #27
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Carrot,

    You keep talking like you basically drove her into his arms. This is not true. Could you have been a better husband? Of course but the vows aren't "In good times only" when things aren't perfect is when two loving couples turn to each other, not some other guy.

    What is the living arrangement?
    What is the financial situation?
    What expenses do you share?

    You need to cut her off completely and start rebuilding who you are. Carrot 2.0 so to speak. Better, stronger, healthier with vision of what he wants in life and a partner. Open a new bank account at a totally different bank, not just a different branch. Start depositing your pay check there so you have money to live on that she cannot touch. Credit cards need to be addressed as well. Then where you will live needs to be considered.

    I know you are thinking "Wait we aren't divorced yet!" What you do know will determine your life at the other end of all this no matter how it turns out and that means taking steps to protect yourself.

    Do you know why she walked back giving you that ring? Because she is afraid you will cut her off and her fantasy will come to an end once you had been pushed to far. Do you know how many other men out there never wanted to OWN the wife they are having sex with, they just want to rent and when you kick her to the curb and she is all his things take on a seriousness they all to often don't want any part of.

    Right now this is NOT about your marriage, it is about you taking care of yourself and protecting yourself. Keep the rings and put them in a drawer for later. Eat right, sleep, work out, talk to family and friends, open the new account and start figuring out where your life is going to be the next 6 months. Most of all stop talking to her, stop supporting her and stop making excuses for her. This is first aid 101 for your life, not hers.

    Keep posting and like Lester said think before you say anything and then don't say it. Silence is your friend.

    Lost

  10. #28
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    Sorry will answer in more detail later.

    But this is somehow what I just decided when she gave me the ring back.

    Meeting a old friend now. And she was all going nuts now.. like where am I going, who am I meeting. Didn't feel like telling her. Just said a friend. And she wanted me to stay, as she could need some help with something she is doing.

    But I left bc. I made this appointment before... And now I feel like a douchebag again... should I have stayed now with her when she needed me??

  11. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's unclear how playing games is helping the situation. Either for self improvement or your marriage if that is what you are trying to save.

    Not sure how simply saying "I'm going to the [dentist, whatever], sorry" is a problem and using bs like "a friend" to imply that now you're the one who is cheating is somehow useful.

    Really...get therapy asap so you can navigate intelligently rather than making up stupid games. This nonsense does zero for you and zero for your marriage. If you want to dissolve your marriage get an attorney asap, especially since she is having and affair and wants a divorce. If you are attempting to save your marriage stop grovelling and being a doormat and insist on marriage therapy and that she end the affair. Please wake up..
    Originally Posted by carrotpile
    this is somehow what I just decided when she gave me the ring back. Meeting a old friend now.

  12. #30
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    No..., RUN.

    Temptations are another phase of the infidelity tragedy.
    Women are very observant and nurturing, add her loneliness and your broken ego and you have a recipe for years of extended pain.

    Do not allow yourself to comforted by any non-relative woman.

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