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Thread: Going trough hell. Help

  1. #111
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    Hadn't read this thread until today, hang in there man. You have been through hell and then some, but it sounds like you're on the right path as of late. You should start reaching out to family, and let the truth be known. The longer you keep this secret, the more it will delay your healing and progress. Lastly, try not to delay the divorce for too long, even if you have to borrow money from family to proceed.

    As for her recent suicidal ideation, as others here have mentioned, do not allow such manipulation. From the brief history in this thread, she has known anxiety/depression and now behavior concerning for major depression and/or a personality disorder (borderline?). Regardless of the diagnosis, if she brings up suicide again call 911 and be prepared to give a statement. The suicide ideation/completion rate for the latter two conditions is high relative to the general population.

  2. #112
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    "I think it's also time to open up within my family. [people and friends] They, actually don't know anything up until this point... And I also don't really know how to do that..."

    You tell them you're going to divorce. When they ask why, tell them there were differences that couldn't be overcome.
    They'll understand, and may even surprise you with what they have to say.

    Don't bash her or mention the her cheating.
    It will only provide temporary satisfaction, make you look weak/bad and may start you on possible lifelong journey of lying to yourself.

    Yes, there's more this AFTER the divorce.
    You must learn what went wrong so you never repeat it.

    You must grow.

  3. #113
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's okay carrot, try to look at this as a somewhat blessing, in the way that you can now finally have closure and heal and move on from this.

    I think it would have been worse had she hid this from you and kept stringing you along for months and giving you false hope.

    Keep in mind that this is only a chapter in your life and not the entire book. You can now move onto the next chapter and hopefully it will hold many good things.

    I hope this helps you to eventually become stronger. Keep moving forward, one step at a time.

  4. #114
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    Originally Posted by Lester
    You tell them you're going to divorce. When they ask why, tell them there were differences that couldn't be overcome.
    Don't bash her or mention the her cheating.
    It will only provide temporary satisfaction, make you look weak/bad and may start you on possible lifelong journey of lying to yourself.
    Yes, there's more this AFTER the divorce.
    You must learn what went wrong so you never repeat it.
    You must grow.
    I wouldn't want to put the cheating in the front. But I'm seriously asking, how to speak about it without mentioning. It's hard to actually find any difference other than what fidelity and a committed relationship means.

    I completely understand. Things went wrong before it could come to the cheating, also after it happened initially I might not have been able to act properly.
    At this point, I'd say it mainly was the way how we both were way too attached and over each other. Something none of us was specifically to blame for, but it was much more due to circumstances about our backgrounds and how we moved together. Something we could have actually worked out with no effort after realisation. Nevertheless when it came up, events happened very fast and there was no chance to intervene on this before things went pretty much out of control... and the inital cheating happened.
    And I surely could have been emotionally more supportive/sympathetic, especially with regards of the stress at work. Was difficult as I was busy and almost burned out by work myself.

    Does this actually make any sense as a starting point for learning from it?

    ------

    While writing all these questions, I realise the anxiety/insecurity creeps in again. Man I'm more than overdue with moving on and start living again...
    I'm wondering, do you guys have any book recommendations into that direction? I'm honestly looking for something that teaches me "How to live" or however you would want to call it. Socializing, meaningful and lasting friendships, joy and happiness, goals and purpose that keep me going and everything else I seem to have missed out on the last 28 years.

  5.  

  6. #115
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    Disregard that first part, was written in the wrong moment ;)
    However open for any book/reading recommendations.

    Kind regards

  7. #116
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    I don't think you have a problem with all people, do you?

    If not, and just women:

    Read/reread, understand and put into practice Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" on all women, NOT just your wife(s).
    They will draw closer to you!

    Your life will get a lot easier.

    It will be much easier for you to find and keep the right girl.

  8. #117
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    It feels more like with people generally, got anxious and avoiding...
    And not asking only about that. Also generally I want to grow in life. It feels a little like everything I done so far was sleeping.

    But yes will reread it in time.

  9. #118
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    You could try Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people"

    But sooner or later you got to put yourself out there.

    Pickle ball is a good place to start.

  10. #119
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Carrot,

    You need to confide in a few people you can trust that love you. Holding all this in is not healthy and will cause you to act different around people because you are always on edge about the real truth.

    My family and close friends knew pretty early on that my wife cheated, I didn't bash her and told the honest truth. My colleagues at work was a different story. I gathered my crew and let them all know I was getting a divorce because my wife had fallen in love with someone else. It was about as nice a way I could think of to tell them. There were no rumors, no questions and I didn't have to re-hash the story over and over again. They all understood and most of all understood why on some days I was not myself. One of the guys actually came to me later and told me he had wished he could have been so brave but he wasn't and what his wife did dibbled out slowly in rumors.

    I promised my wife I wouldn't tell my son, her family or go spreading it around what she had done but I also let her know I would never lie for her. If someone asked me straight out if she cheated I would tell them. I do not owe her anything and you do not owe your future ex wife anything either.

    Tell your family the abbreviated story but include all of the truth no matter how bad it makes her look. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, she is the one that cheated not you. I promise once you let the truth out you will feel better and feel like you are not alone in all this any longer.

    Taking the high road does not mean omitting the truth, it is why you are speaking the truth that matters. You need to survive this mess and you need people with you that know what has happened.

    The other stuff she is doing is classic and you should be able to see through it by now. Step back and see what is really going on, you are still being used and controlled by her. There is no chance that you can get yourself right until you go total no contact. What you are trying to do is heal a burn and as soon as it starts feeling better you stick your arm back into the fire and ruin all the healing. You need to get tough and stop all contact. There should be literally almost zero reasons why you need to interact with her other than through email for legal stuff.

    It is time Carrot

    Lost

  11. #120
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    Carrot
    I still have a few more pages to read of your thread before I can see where you
    actually are, everyone has problems in relationships so that is no excuse for what she has done.
    I've heard you talk a lot about what she wants, bud you have made yourself a doormat and
    you are lacking dignity and self respect. please understand that no one should be treated the way
    she has treated you, don't let her play you anymore.

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