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Going trough hell. Help


carrotpile

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Really sorry that it got so long, but i felt the need to write a bit more about what is going on with me.

 

So since 3months I am going trough some terrible pain that I can no longer deal with and urgently need advice on.

We married since 6months, after nearly 4years of relationship.

Shortly after the wedding, she started to have a breakdown/depression which at the time she said it was about her job. Yeah she really hated the area she was working in and even few job changes in the past didn't help her.

That breakdown lead to her getting back to old passion of photography she gave up on long ago (before we met, so not for me). She quitted the job and was suddenly gone for weekends to photograph events and get a foot into that business. It was a change for me. But I did everything to encourage and support her to go on and follow this passion.

 

Well until I noticed about 3 months ago, that she was not only different due to that depression. But suddenly she did hide from me when she was at the phone. She stopped showing me photos she took at the notebook. And I realized, she was typing at lot to a different man. She didn't meet in person at that time, but found him on social media as he also shared this new/old passion.

 

When I come her about how she suddenly locks me out of her work and how i feel there is something wrong, she assured me that everything is ok. Just doesn't want to show her crappy work she said.

 

Well the depression went on, and she decided to go a few days on vacation on her own. Well what happened was she ended up at the guy's place. And not only that, she overstayed the few agreed days into a week. Spending even her birthday there....

 

I went through at that point when I found out she ended up there. But she assured me.nothing is happening, he is just a friend and she needs some friends now. (Indeed she didn't have mucj friends here)

 

So after she came back, I basically acted like a wet cat. I was destroyed... she seemed even more depressed. Well and ended up going there for another week! Where she assured nothing happened. And it followed weeks, where she would completely ignore me and my feeling, while she was just typing with him. Hell, even asked her to at least keep the phone away while we are talking. And she just took it to write to him as if she wanted my heart to explode... It was a hurtful time for me.

 

It followed weeks were I seemed to be hers again. She was very depressed, but I could somehow cheer her up and keep her going. Even though this happended with the guy, I was there for her when she needed me most.

 

Just three weeks ago, she felt better and we spoke about all of it. It seemed ok. She had an event scheduled for the weekend. So I decided to take the same weekend for a short trip for myself. I had a nice time and could reflect a.little on what we both went through

 

It got very stressed and boring after the wedding. Mainly because we both didn't like our jobs and got very drowned by them. That she found back her passion was actually a relief and i thought will be the chance to get things go better again.

 

Well just few days ago, I saw a receipt of that last weekend. Turns out, before she went to that event, she went again 500km in the wrong direction to the guy's town. I confronted her again. And she said she went there to make clear to him that she is married and that they can only be friends.

 

I don't know, she did hide so much about it. She did lie so much to me about it. She hurt me so much about it and didn't give a ...

 

I dont know what to do! Got I just married this woman, I love her so much! What should I do?

 

 

On top comes, that this time brought up some general personal problems of ours. Mainly that we didn't have any friends. Not personal or as a couple since we live here. And some other things that we would urgently need to fix on ourselfs...

 

She suggested now, to give it all a break. She says she still loves me. But she needs to focus now on herself, her problems, find friends, a proper job, and finally experience that single life she always wanted to.

I myself would urgently need to get my together and grow normal life....

The idea is, that we both move to a bigger, new city. In separate appartments and grow there our own lifes, see and support occasionally until we both know who we actually are and what we want from life. And if so eventually find fully back to each other.

 

She still loves me?! She actually hit a point there ...

 

What the hell happened in these last months? I ended up depressed myself... I getting panic attacks where i can only lay on the floor before my whole body paralyzes...

I need help!

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Well, I think you should separate and prepare for a divorce. You might be able to get a legal annulment or a no-fault divorce depending on the rules of your state. It's obvious she has either an emotional relationship with this guy or a physical relationship. And unfortunately she only wants you around as a crutch to lean on.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see any other answer for you. You're just going to have to move on at some point. Try to make it as painless as possible.

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Infidelity is what happened and I suspect it's been going on for more than a year.

The marriage most likely triggered increased effort from the hidden man. (Corral tending.)

 

Sorry for your pain, but in time you'll understand.

Try to stop burying it with words and excuses.

 

To understand infidelity, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough". Never let her see this book!

 

First Aid:

1. Until you know what to say, stop talking so much to her. As you study, act aloof, like you too have a secret. (You do)

2. As you study, decide if you really want to be married to her. Review the circumstances of how you came together.

3. Weigh yourself, and if losing weight eat more.

4. Take care of yourself. Buy some new up to date clothes. Underwear is a good place to start.

5. Don't tell her about this forum or anything you are doing to save/dissolve the union.

6. Keep coming back for more help. Try not to use a device she has access to.

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This isn't about "her depression", it's about her having an affair.

 

What's wrong with the marriage? What are all the arguments and complaints? Have you tried to improve things? Has she? How is the sex life? Communication? Romance? What else has changed? Have you become lazy, nasty or slovenly? Has she? Most likely she is having affairs but it could also be the marriage breaking down for reasons you are not stating. Not silly things like "no local friends" as a reason.

 

You need to suggest marriage therapy and if she won't go, you need to suggest legal separation. If she "wants to be single" then ask her to move out and contact an attorney immediately.

she decided to go a few days on vacation on her own. Well what happened was she ended up at the guy's place. And not only that, she overstayed the few agreed days into a week. Spending even her birthday there....

 

On top comes, that this time brought up some general personal problems of ours. Mainly that we didn't have any friends. And some other things that we would urgently need to fix on ourselfs...

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I'm so sorry for your situation and the pain you are going through...Relationships seem so transient these days it's sad*

 

On top of what the others have said (because sadly, I agree with them) you are going to have to do your best to take care of yourself both mentally and physically. This kind of thing can really drive a person to the edge....and sometimes over it....None of us want that for you....

 

Try to sleep and eat best you can. If you have income do all you can to protect that. Losing your income will only make things worse for you. Stay off the alcohol and junk food.

 

Grieving takes a heavy toll on us and your body will need the right care to get through this.

 

Again I'm sorry to read your post. I loved my wife dearly, but like me, I think you married the wrong girl....

 

Regards

 

Carus*

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Thank you for all you input so far! And thank you for the kind reminder to take care of myself. It really hit me hard, physically and psychically.

 

I'm very sure that there was nothing going on before. It really only started after this "breakdown" about 2-3 months ago.

And yes, there was stuff going the wrong direction shortly before, that I should have noticed earlier. We both got very stressed by our jobs. That also slipt into the relationship, were especially during the week, we would just both come home, complain about work and then drown on a series or in youtube, rarely together.

And with that I got general lazy. Not so much in the relationship, but more on myself. Not tried to fix that situation, not really followed any hobby or passion anymore. Not very attractive to a woman for sure...

 

When she took the step to quit the job, it got slowly worse. I was really there for her. Tried to find out about the new area, talked to people. Of course ensured financial security - which pressured me even more to keep the ty job. But unfortunately kept myself from doing anything else, anything for me.

 

It is really weird. Since she was there last time, she acts really different again. Still very depressed, but also gives me more attention again and cares of how I feel again. Did she really end it, did he end it? Now they are just friends that might meet occasionally trough shared interests?

But why did she not tell me about that she went there, again. After I made really clear that these lies destroy it all...?

Therapy's out for her. Wasted money as she says. She needs to fix her own problems. And I should use the time to fix mine.

 

I guess I have to stop trying to understand the details and focus on what's now. Focus on me and get my own things in order. The "break" from the relationship will be unavoidable. But might be a last chance.

 

Does it make sense to hold onto that? Not sure how to deal with the time until we can move apart and take the break.

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There's no such thing as a "break" in marriage. Yes, sleeping in separate rooms while relearning how to treat each other is okay, but don't leave or suggest it.

 

You and only you must decide if you want to stay married to her.

From that juncture determines your chances of success.

 

Those who avoid this simple task almost all end up divorced.

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I do! I deeply love her for who she is and was. And I am committed to go trough this hell if necessary. I don't want to give it up just like that.

 

@Lester: i also started to read the book. Thanks for the recommendation.

 

So far I feel like I find us already in the book. I do see how we were overly attached, actually both, and did not take care enough for ourselves. And i think this is really what unloaded recently for both of us... very sudden. With the exact results of her trying to break out up until this first glimpse of infidelity, and me falling, begging, promising and making it worse.

 

However I struggle a lot (so far) to reflect the first step of "letting her go" or giving her the freedom on our situation.

 

It's like with this time apart and the chances to focusing on ourselves, we already are at this point? Maybe was that the trigger that made her realise she is still with me and can not go further than friendship?

Is it really not possible to take this step in a young marriage?

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Unfortunately you both withdrew and camped out in your own worlds. This causes tremendous rifts. Refusing to make time for each other and go on dates or keep the romance alive is a great way to destroy your marriage.and make your spouse feel like you simply coexist.

 

This leaves a lot of voids and loneliness. While cheating of course is not a solution, it is her solution to the emptiness and loneliness you created by getting this selfish and lazy. Getting involved in even more selfish hobbies is not going to help or make you more attractive. It will simply compound the problem.

 

Sadly things got worse for you but better for her. She found a lover who provided the attention, passion, romance and companionship you refused to offer because you had your face in devices binge watching and zoning out and totally disconnecting from her.

 

It sounds more like you are the one who suffers from depression and she is healthier and found her passion through her photography and taking a lover. Don't kid yourself. They are not "friends". You just want to continue keeping your head in the sand and distracting yourself with foolish time wasters like youtube and tv.

 

This "break" is not to 'find yourself' and pretend things will get better. This break is a separation and a prelude to divorce because she's done with you and the marriage and already told you "she wants to be single".

there was stuff going the wrong direction shortly before, that I should have noticed earlier. during the week, we would just both come home, complain about work and then drown on a series or in youtube, rarely together.

And with that I got general lazy. Not so much in the relationship, but more on myself. not really followed any hobby or passion anymore. Not very attractive to a woman for sure...

 

 

Now they are just friends that might meet occasionally trough shared interests? Focus on me and get my own things in order. The "break" from the relationship will be unavoidable. But might be a last chance. Not sure how to deal with the time until we can move apart and take the break.

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"However I struggle a lot (so far) to reflect the first step of "letting her go"..."

- If you're referring to Dobson, it's NOT letting her go, it's setting her FREE.

 

This in turn will set you free!

Not separated or divorced but instead, free to go back to who you used to be.

 

This usually scares the hell out of the wayward spouse, because you are a big part of the "thrill" and the main reason she can't see the creep she's with clearly.

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More first Aid:

 

For ease of understanding; think of your changes as leading you to back to a datable man.

You will stop chasing, pleading, begging, trying to explain etc.

 

This will not go unnoticed by her.

See will begin to probe.

 

When she does, you MUST maintain your aloof composure!

At this point, she'll begin to look back at you and start to see what's really going on.

 

Losing a good man, who's seemly okay with it!

This WILL rock her lie filled world.

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I am sorry you have been cheated on, I know how much it hurts.

 

This other man is not just a "friend" and you know it even if you don't want to accept it. She is emotionally and physically cheating on you. I suggest you read through the infidelity forum here and you will be surprised how many times you read the words "we are just friends" "there is nothing going on" "nothing happened" and on and on.

 

Lester is correct that you need to decide if you want to stay married to her. BUT you are in no condition right now to make that choice. You are in a weak position filled with fear and uncertainty on what will happen to your life. You need to educate yourself on cheaters, depression (my ex wife blamed depression too) and what not to do during this time.

 

She wants a break so she can test drive this new guy and see if she likes him better than you. Are you willing to become a choice? Are you willing to just sit by while she has sex with some other man and lying to you the whole time while you support her?

 

Your vision is clouded by your love for her so you cannot see clearly. Many of us have found ourselves in the same boat but once we chose to accept reality our vision cleared. She is cheating, she is making excuses (and so are you) for her behavior. There is no excuse for cheating, lying and betrayal period. She willfully lied to go see him again and again.

 

What do you do now? Stop being a doormat, stop professing your undying love for her, stop saying you will do anything to save the marriage and stop chasing her, stop supporting her.

 

DO get your life straightened out, make your own friends, get healthy mind and body, contact family for support, don't be ashamed about what is going on and most importantly know that this wasn't your fault.

 

I know you do not want to believe she cheated (neither did I) but some bad stuff has gone down and she simply is not the person you thought she was.

 

Keep posting it will help

 

Lost

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Hi everyone, thanks for the input of everyone. Wanted to post an update here even though I guess you have already pointed me towards the truth.

 

I guess I still can't believe how this has happened... For me it boils down that we have slipped down very far due to our jobs in the last months. Until we realised and she started to follow her passion. And stupid me, instead of getting out of the hole myswlf, i dedicate everything to support her and make it happen for her.

 

Well the result of it you all know. I feel so missunderatood and treated like a doormat after dedicating and giving up everything for her....

 

 

Somehow since I laat wrote and tried to apply your tips, it started to get way better again.... She really didn't write anymore with the other guy or anything and was like all over me again.

 

But now.. it's suddenly all messes again. They are gonna meet trough an event next week and ofc she's right innmy face telling me that she is gonna stay at his place. Ofc told her after what happened with him, I would expect at least that she stays at a hotel room after the event... and yeah 's all over me again. (Btw. I know that I messed up with applying your tips here, but I had to ask her at least to give me something)

 

 

And well yeah... ofc she also managed to mess with my mind again. Like everything is alright. They are just friends. She will be continuing and plans for that time on her own. And hopes that I will use that time to work on myself too. And we will both come out of it as healthy adults and a stronger couple than ever before.

 

My mind is ed. It's so true and so wrong at the same time... How much would I sign what she says, if that other guy did not popp in....!!!!

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Saving a marriage, or even letting it go is very counter-intuitive, and must be done under intense pain, only a "left-behind" husband could know.

But let's keep trying.

 

"...and [of course] she's right [in my] face telling me that she is gonna stay at his place.

- This and other empowered declarations are often made by the the wayward spouse but they still must be met with your "amazing" calmness and aloofness.

That's not to say you don't SAY anything, it's what you say, and how you say it.

 

Example:

Very calmly, like you almost you didn't hear her, you say: Oh, that's good, I couldn't think of two people deserving each other more than you two.

Then you continue going about your business.

 

"I would expect at least that she stays at a hotel room after the event..."

- It takes a little time to get good at this, at least you now know to stop talking like this.

 

"(Btw. I know that I messed up with applying your tips here, but I had to ask her at least to give me something)"

- Again, no you didn't have to.

 

"Like everything is alright. They are just friends. And hopes that I will use that time to work on myself too. And we will both come out of it as healthy adults and a stronger couple than ever before."

- These are the lies the wayward wife must believe. Many, if not most are being funneled to her by the hidden man. Yes, in some ways, you're wife is most likely being victimized. You becoming a strong husband may save her from herself. Maybe not the marriage, but at least you will have fulfilled you promises and vows to the best of your ability.

 

 

More first aid:

- Unless emergency/required (kids, etc), stop answering all her calls/texts.

- Keep all conversation with her at a minimum. DO NOT LET HER ENGAGE YOU.

- Remember, you're an important person who does not take his honor lightly!

- No pleading, begging, engaging.

- No helping her destroy her honor!

- Think before you say anything to her, and then, don't say it.

- Keep quietly/secretly making yourself into a very dateable man.

 

Don't think of these as gimmicks or tricks. They're not.

It's you learning to be yourself again!

They make you strong and attractive. (The opposite of what you've been doing.)

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What did you give up for her? Did you move to her area? Did you quit your job to be with her? Did you put her through school or make any other type of sacrifices to your happiness or finances?

 

She wants to separate for three reasons:

 

One, to have this affair with this guy...they are not "friends", even if she tells you she'll stay a hotel, they will be carrying on. Two, because she is not happy in the marriage and that his been going on a long time while you bury your head in the sand.. Three, because she wants you to "work on yourself". What, exactly, does she mean by that?

I feel so missunderatood and treated like a doormat after dedicating and giving up everything for her....

She will be continuing and plans for that time on her own. And hopes that I will use that time to work on myself too.

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Sorry that I am not answering to the the tips before because just something 'new' happened.

We went this weekend to visit the potential new city and there is an event tonight she's attending.

Turns out, the guy's also there. She kept it from me....

 

So turns out that this vist was not for us but she takes me now with her and keeps me busy (i could visit the city at night..) while meeting..

 

Guess I will just stumble into there to see it with my own eyes and finally be able to move on...? I mean keeping that again from me and meeting like that is like the absolute end??!??!

 

@Lester or anyone... any help within the next few hours appreciated

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Sorry I'm late, but if I understand that this is just an excuse to see him... DON'T GO!

If there, you're too late, just muddle through and get out of there.

 

Never let her trick you again.

 

Additionally, DO NOT engage this man. Do not shake hands with him, talk to him or look at him.

A big part of the thrill game they're playing involves/needs you to play your weak roll.

 

Reread my tips above on how to handle her.

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Wow Yep came too late and it's what I did.

Asking and reading the advices you gave me and i am just too stupid to apply it.

 

 

So yeah got what I deserve and have two rings on me.

 

 

Thanks for the effort though! You really know what you are doing!

 

 

Edit: Can you elaborate what was meant by "Never let her trick you again." Just so I know, should I get in such situation again

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two rings?

 

Helpful hints:

- It's not about the other guy. They're everywhere and a dime a dozen. (Your eyes are being opened as we speak! A good thing)

- It's about you and her and what went wrong.

- Thinking about, and never repeating mistakes is where you want to put your energy.

 

Were you compatible before marriage. Did you have a respectful, intelligent discovery period? (dating)

Were you negligent or abusive?

 

These questions are one sided, but that the only thing you can change... YOU.

 

Why worry about learning/changing? You can avoid divorce, 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc unions/marriages. (Now you know where they come from!)

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Yeah sure, neglected each other when we spiraled down with the jobs etc.... I just didn't see it soon enough...

 

I can't count how many guys have come through ENA and couldn't say that or any other words of self evaluation.

It always the other person's fault and with that follows the critical nastiness that only serves to hurt themselves.

 

While it's true they screwed-up you can't change them, and trying to so is a fool's errand.

 

Good for you!. You're maturity will help you through this and you will heal quickly.

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So after hours of silence.... she told me that she didn't mean to give me that ring permanent but as a sign and reminder that I did with coming there and she finally needs that space and time for herself.

 

I understand that it is practically over. And all I can do is finally focus on myself. It's just weird how we are not yet ready to just end this pain of both of us for good?

 

I think we both need this step to get on our own feet now generally. And also to be able to actually ask for the divorce.

 

I don't know if there is anything left, I can or should do with regards of the relationship.

 

But I clearly nees help to get on my own feet now again.... too much changed over the years (in thw wrong direction) in me. I don't even know anymore what it means find interest on my own and work up towards friendships with other people...

Is there any book or tips in that regards that (if finally applied and not ignored) could help me to find back towards a life?

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Sorry to hear this. She is having an affair and wants a divorce. All you can do is go to therapy privately to get some direction and guidance.

she finally needs that space and time for herself. I think we both need this step to get on our own feet now generally. And also to be able to actually ask for the divorce.
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