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Thread: How to Cold Approach

  1. #1
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    How to Cold Approach

    Ok, so I used to be a social butterfly, I used to be a great flirt with people whom I felt comfortable with, I used to talk to anyone and everyone about anything, I could make friends very easily and had a lot of romantic and sexual attention.

    Along the way Iíve become cold and introverted and socially awkward. Iíve totally lost that side of me that was so bubbling with enthusiasm to get to know someone new, I knew I would get a positive reaction to a cold approach.

    Times have changed since I was a vibrant outgoing teenager, people rarely make eye contact, they are stuck in their phones.

    What are some sensible ways to approach people I donít know to get to know them, particularly with a view to getting numbers for friendship and dates?

    The best things Iíve come up with so far are commenting on someoneís outfit if I like it but that seems a bit lame. I do believe people dress in a way to show their personality and affinity with certain groups. I wear a T shirt with my favourite Marvel character on and my favourite classic car for example.

    How can I indicate to someone I find attractive that I am receptive to being approached, without going and blatantly asking for their number? I donít mind starting the conversation but I am more traditionally minded and tbh I donít have the balls to ask a guy for his number in the same way I could ask for a womanís.

    Any suggestions for conversation starters and ways to indicate interest to others?

  2. #2
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    Yes. Engage in activities where having conversations are a natural part of the activity. So itís not a cold approach. Iíve given you many suggestions about types of activities. Here is an example. Last month I volunteered at the public radio station to help with fundraising. I sat down at my station a few minutes early. In that few minutes I chatted with the two ladies sitting in my row. When our phones were quiet we chatted some more. Had I wanted to it would have been perfectly natural to exchange contact info to stay in touch even though we only chatted briefly. That is because we met in context and we can assume we already have in common wanting to support the station plus we both presumably enjoy taking phone calls from donors.
    Contrast: the other day I had a five minute conversation with a woman I had a lot in common with. She was sitting on he train platform and we continued chatting once on the train. It would have been weird for me to ask her for her personal information in that context. It was tempting so we could continue chatting but I didnít want to create an awkward situation. See the difference?
    I think the cold approach will make you feel even less motivated to meet people because it will feel too awkward and forced.

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    May I ask your age?

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    Well, you know, any guy will talk with a woman for any reason. It's not true the other way around. So I think you have an advantage there. I've suggested before to people to carry some kind of candy with them. You can put a candy in your mouth and ask someone you're interested in if they would like a candy. They will say either yes or no, but it gives you an opening to comment on something. He answers you back, and now you've got a conversation going.

    In my neighborhood, it's very easy to start a conversation with someone about the train being late, or the weather being cold, or if you've seen them walking a dog, ask how the dog is.

    To tell you the truth, however, approaching total strangers is a numbers game. But if you know someone marginally, you might have a better chance. But you do have to deal with rejection because not every encounter is going to lead to a date. But keep your spirits up and give it a try.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I thought you decided to get a puppy?

    Is this about a specific person or just a general desire to date?

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    Holly Iím 31.

    Batya, you just reminded me that I agreed to exchange numbers with a woman on a hike yesterday and was too knackered by the end I forgot to follow it up. I just messaged her on the group with my contact details. I donít think it would be inappropriate to ask for the number of the woman at the train station if you were interested in dating her, but I think you would have to make that known during the conversation.

    I think I might start off being awkward with cold approach until I get back into the swing of it. I never used to be awkward, I absolutely thrived off meeting new people and I feel like that is something Iím missing in my life now. I feel I need to challenge my feelings about myself and dating and approaching new people would be doing that.

    Danzee, that is a brill idea! I actually had a woman do that very thing to me on Thursday and we got chatting after I took a sweet. It wasnít forced or weird and it was a simple conversation starter.

    FIO, I wouldnít even consider getting a puppy so I think youíre confusing me with someone else. I suppose a specific person triggered it but I donít need to approach anyone specific. This is about improving my confidence and self esteem, expanding my social circle and improving my ability to talk to others in a dating/flirting context. I very rarely get approached by anyone (that Iím aware of) for dating or to get my number etc. I think I ought to undo the barriers Iíve put up to make myself more approachable and also indicate my interest to others.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best thing you can do is continue to see your doctors for medical treatment of mood disorders and feeling down and withdrawn as well as continue supportive therapy for that. You'll feel better when you feel stable and not up and down like this...Comparing your more up state to your now more depressed anxious state.
    Originally Posted by thornz
    I used to be a social butterfly, I used to be a great flirt with people whom I felt comfortable with, I used to talk to anyone and everyone about anything, I could make friends very easily and had a lot of romantic and sexual attention.

    Along the way Iíve become cold and introverted and socially awkward. Iíve totally lost that side of me that was so bubbling with enthusiasm to get to know someone new

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I feel you but I was the opposite for a while.

    When I was married I was open and talkative to anyone but there were numerous times when it was taken as flirting and being married I did not want to disrespect my wife or marriage so I backed it way off, almost to the point where I was told I was unfriendly.

    I have been divorced for 10 years now and have really liked being talkative again but it seems it isn't as received as well as it used to be. Of course I am older and not as handsome as I once was but it also seems like people are less approachable now. I say hi and ask how they are doing pretty frequently, sometimes you get a nice reply and other time it seems like you take them by surprise being friendly and they don't know how to act.

    I would say baby steps until you get back into your groove.

    As far as guys go I agree if a woman walks up and starts chatting them up the guy will respond.

    Sometimes the best medicine in these cases is to get out of your comfort zone and risk rejection. It isn't fatal by any means and can really teach you about yourself.

    Lost

  10. #9
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Best answer to cover all answers is: you stay IN the moment (aka aren't in your head thinking about later, chores later, what you got going on later, and certainly not dug into your phone). You stay IN the moment of what's going on and noticing everything IN the moment - the light, the sites, the sounds, the people around you, and what's going on around you.

    How do you let people know you are open to being approached? Stay IN the moment and notice them noticing you and reacting to it in a way that gives them confidence to approach you. BY APPROACHING THEM even... and being genuinely IN THE MOMENT with your interaction (be it looks, conversation, noticing something going on in the moment - noticing their attire and using that as a launch point is definitely one of those things... but how about weather, a weird sound or activity going on, an interesting observation about what's going on at the moment.. even joking about how awkward speaking to strangers can be?)

    Endless things .. millions of things.

    As an example. I clearly remember being in a drug store, near halloween.. and looking for last minute candy. This other lady was there (cute gal!) who was obviously looking for the same. It was clear both of us were being indecisive and so i joked, "its hard to choose sometimes and try to get into the heads of today's little kids and what they like isn't it?" And we both laughed and started a small conversation.

    its just about starting conversations. conversations are organic, not forced. not a prepared line but.. you got it.. something IN THE MOMENT ...(observation, perspective or reaction to that thing in the moment, etc.)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    FIO, I wouldnít even consider getting a puppy so I think youíre confusing me with someone else. I suppose a specific person triggered it but I donít need to approach anyone specific. This is about improving my confidence and self esteem, expanding my social circle and improving my ability to talk to others in a dating/flirting context. I very rarely get approached by anyone (that Iím aware of) for dating or to get my number etc. I think I ought to undo the barriers Iíve put up to make myself more approachable and also indicate my interest to others.
    You sure are quick to be passive aggressive with me, donít get why... but it was your post where a pet or something for you to Ďgive your love to.í was discussed.so no confusion...

    Originally Posted by thornz
    I am quite lonely, I will bring these up with therapist. I would love to have a dog but it is not fair to have one if you are not home to take care of it. I also donít have a place to keep a pet. I have volunteered at a shelter previously and have looked for a local one to do so again but have had no success.
    Cold approaching isnít for the weak at heart. Itís even more brutal than online dating. Me personally, Iíd go back to your core issue and try to solve it. Thatís why I was asking if this was about someone specific or were you trying to solve your loneliness by dating which again is not the best idea in my humble opinion.

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