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Thread: How to Cold Approach

  1. #11
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    Don't cold approach. Cold approach is randomly walking up to a stranger.
    If you attend lectures or art talks or workshops about things you like, or a meetup, like the hiking thing - its not a totally cold approach because there are a million reasons why you have an opening to talk to someone else there just because they are there - there is already a common insterest/purpose. if you take a cooking class, you almost have to talk to people to ask them to pass some ingredient. any of those approaches are a at least a lukewarm and not a cold approach.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I think the cold approach loses its charm once you get past the teenage years. You can probably pull it off into your mid 20s, but you probably shouldn't. I think most people find it annoying past a certain point because priorities tend to shift away from serendipitous social adventure. People are more focused on life goals. The cold approach stops being cute.

  3. #13
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    Well unfortunately the therapy doesnít feel beneficial after 5/6 sessions so I will bring this up with my therapist and the medication was a PITA.

    I think the the advice to stay in the moment was great, just generally, not only for meeting new people.

    Cold approach or lukewarm approach, I need to work on my social and conversational skills and self esteem. I think the chance of rejection might work in my favour if Iím confronting that fear. I have a very overbearing fear of rejection and abandonment, that holds me back a lot in life, Iím sure itís not as bad in real life as it is in my head.

    Iím going out tonight to celebrate a friend leaving two jobs, we will be watching boxing in the pub before we go out. Could be a good conversation starter, since I like contact sports.

    I know a guy at work who can literally start a conversation with anyone, I have noticed however the conversations (at least the ones we have) donít have any depth. Iíd like to have his confidence and ability to meet new people but the vulnerability to develop some of those meetings into more meaningful discussions and relationships. I can only try. I hate online sites, which seems to be where I meet the majority of my new potential friends these days.

    I was talking to a lot of new people and rapidly forming new relationships about a year ago but one of those fell apart dramatically, followed by a lot of the mutual friendships around it, which killed my social buzz and confidence. I was also told by someone around that time that I was over friendly and leading people on with my flirtyness and so I suppressed that side of me and became very serious and boring.

    Think Iíve just had a mini epiphany. Suppressing my natural outgoing sociable side due to fear of being judged, misunderstood, rejected and hurt. But surpressing myself is only hurting me further and making me miserable. Time to find myself again and be proud and comfortable with my nature. If other people have a problem with it then EFF them!

  4. #14
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    "Time to find myself again and be proud and comfortable with my nature. If other people have a problem with it then EFF them!"

    So, especially if you want to do some sort of cold approach I would think the goal is to have the other person feel comfortable in his/her own skin when around you, not to be used as some sort of experiment on your part to practice social skills. No need to suppress but you have to be thoughtful about timing/context/and the vibes/energy you get from the other person which means being other-directed. It is valid if that person has a problem with it- all people are entitled to their personal space and to not be comfortable being approached or extending a conversation or having a conversation at all. If you're natural at being sociable -being sociable in a good way means it's reciprocated and mutual with the other side.

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  6. #15
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    The eff them was in reference to the person in particular who told me off for being outgoing and ďleading people onĒ by being friendly. And anyone like them for that matter. If I got any inkling that someone I was talking to didnít want to talk to me then I wouldnít waste my time. The idea is to build connections and hopefully meaningful relationships not a social experiment.

    A strange thing happened today, I was sat in Costa, being aware and in the moment as was recommended and was asked by a woman if I minded if she sat on the table next to me. That extended into an hour long conversation in which she totally opened up to me, telling me about her children (one of whom was with her) and even about one who passed away. We were saying how itís strange sometimes you feel you can open up to certain people and not others.

    I also made brief chitchat with 7 other people that night out from being aware and open to it, rather than being stuck in my head or phone, giving off the leave me alone vibe lol. I also had someone be very rude to me and I just brushed it off, which is very unlike me. I saw her behaviour as very rude instead of feeling like it was due to me being worthless and them treating me accordingly.

    Iím feeling positive today. I donít feel like a boring, hopeless loner who nobody will like.
    Last edited by thornz; 11-11-2018 at 03:53 AM. Reason: Spelling

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Good for you!

    Originally Posted by thornz
    The eff them was in reference to the person in particular who told me off for being outgoing and ďleading people onĒ by being friendly. And anyone like them for that matter.
    Yes, eff people who judge that way.

    Originally Posted by thornz
    I donít feel like a boring, hopeless loner who nobody will like.
    I doubt you appear this way to anyone else. You are a little hard on yourself.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I donít think just randomly talking to people is bad. I do it daily. I just have a gift for gab and chit chat all the time. My husband and son find it annoying but they are far less social than I am.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's really simple to be polite and make small talk. Especially in your community in places you go to often. However someone sitting next to me on a plane, waiting room, coffee shop, etc chewing my ear off telling me their life story could be kind of annoying, depending. It's important to get out of your head and all the mindfulness books and be more aware of social nuances and the feelings and social norms of others. Don't be this invested in random people "liking you".

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