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Thread: Says he doesn't see a future with me...

  1. #1
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    Says he doesn't see a future with me...

    I'm devastated. My boyfriend of 9 months just told me he doesn't see a future with me. Over the last 9 months things had gotten more serious and I basically live with him. He gave me a key early on, told me I could have a closet and keep all my stuff at his house etc and I spend every night there (because he always asks me to), recently he even suggested getting a dog together. In the last few weeks we haven't had sex so I brought it up to him and he said ever since our relationship has gotten more serious and we spend so much time together his sexual attraction has lessened. the conversation unraveled into him eventually telling me he doesn't see a future with me. I immediately packed up some of my stuff and left. Within a couple hours he was calling and texting me saying he wants to talk but I told him I needed some time to think. Then he said he doesn't want me to move my stuff out and that he wants to work through this. I said we could talk in a few days then the last thing he said is that he doesn't want to break up and he's sorry dating him is a challenge. For back story, we're in our early 30s and he's never had a serious or long term relationship. In fact since high school he's only had one other girlfriend that only lasted 6 months. Clearly he's got some intimacy and commitment issues but the fact that he wanted to be with me every day and I've spent so much time with his family and friends made me think things were different with me...anyway we're supposed to talk tomorrow and I don't know what to do? I should probably walk away but I'm scared I don't have the strength because I'm so in love with him but how can I stay if there's no future? I want kids someday...

  2. #2
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    Oh man my heart broke reading this, what is up with some of these guys -- geez!!

    I want to tell you to next him, but I KNOW hard and unrealistic that is.

    Guy's got issues which he has admitted, these are the hardest guys to walk away from.

    Deep, complicated, but so easy to love.

    I dunno hun, tough one.

    Talk with him, is it possible to dial things back and not talk and see each other so much?

    Not even sure that will help, it's the 'emotionally intimacy' that scares him.

    Course now that it's over, the pressure is off and he wants you again. Interesting how quicky that happened too.

    I think you should defer to what others say, unfortunately I'm probably not much help today, except to say I'm sorry and empathize.

  3. #3
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    I'm so sorry.

    It doesn't matter that he wanted to spend so much time, he does not see a future with you. He has felt this way for some time.

    You need to move on. He will waste more of your time, and cause more hurt.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I'm so sorry.

    It doesn't matter that he wanted to spend so much time, he does not see a future with you.

    You need to move on. He will waste more of your time, and cause more hurt.
    Yeah but then, almost immediately after ending it, he said he does!

    That he wants to work it out!!

    I do agree it's best to walk away from this obviously very conflicted man, but on the other hand, acknowledge how difficult that is.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    big hugs. that really sucks. I've been on the receiving end of this conversation as well, so I definitely feel your hurt. I think that the best move is to thank him for his honesty and move on. Not much more to talk about. If you want a family someday, then the sooner you get over this guy, the better. Don't let him try to 'weasel' his way back or to "work" on the relationship. The fact that he said he "doesn't see a future with you" is pretty bad. It would be different if he said something like "I think we moved too fast" or whatever, but he's basically telling you you're not going to be his future wife, so don't waste any time on him. I think that maybe he would like to waste some of your time until he meets a girl he likes better, but don't stick around for that.

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    Thank you all for the responses. Yea I've been a mess all day because I know what I need to do and I'm dreading it. He was out o town today so I went over to his house aand got all the rest of my stuff so it'll be easier...I feel like a fool thinking things were good and progressing because of him letting me basically live there and wanting me around all the time. It would be perfectly reasonable for him to not know yet what our future held -it's only been 9 months and we're still learning things about eachother, but already knowing he DOESNT want a future with me is a whole different sad story

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You are doing the right thing. Staying on would be a major waste of time that could hurt your chances of having kids someday. No need to feel like a fool. He love bombed you to get you on the hook and then pulled the rug out from under you. Commitment phobes do that.

    Yet, past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. Staying on would be giving him permission to take you on a roller coaster ride to nowhere.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    I think it's good that you went and grabbed your stuff. Do you really need to have a long talk with him? I don't think so. It definitely sounds like he has some commitment issues, but talking with you isn't going to solve them. He needs time on his own and probably a therapist. Hang in there.

  10. #9
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    I'm sorry you're going through this, Ruili.

    If you go back to him, it's only a matter of time before this happens again.

    Further to this, if you did go back, you'll always be wondering if and when he's going to break-up with you again. I can't imagine dealing with the weight of these thoughts and the unknown.

    I mean, do you really want to live this way?

    The best thing you can do is walk away. Don't get back together with him. I wouldn't even meet him to discuss this, as he's only going to beg and plead to get you back.

    The reality of it is, you can't do anything to fix this situation. He has fix this himself, that's if he wants to. It sounds like he needs professional help, since he may have committment issues.

    I can't imagine having children with someone like this, considering this most current episode. Remember, you're only 9 months into this relationship - not very long. Can you imagine a long-term relationship? Marriage? I can't even see someone like this wanting to get married.

    I know it's difficult to walk away from someone you love, but if you stay, you're setting yourself up for a ton of disappointment down the road.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It may be time to reset your guidelines and milestones for relationships. "Keep stuff at his house to sleep over" is not indicative of any sort of future. Giving you the key is a matter of convenience for sleeping over, also not indicative of anything. "Talk" of anything, without action is also not indicative of anything.

    You also need to slow way down and maintain your own life, friends, interests and place. Sleeping over so much "you practically live there" even if it's invited, is moving things way to fast and becomes smothering and boring just as fast.

    Stay in your own place. Keep your stuff in your own place. Keep your own friends. Keep your own interest and activities. Go out on real dates, not play house.

    Learn to dispel myths that meeting friends or family means "future". Or that "getting dog together" has any meaning. Learn to date instead of rushing to play house and rushing to force a commitment. Or when after dating someone 9 mos at a smothering fast pace labeling them as a "commitmentphobe".

    It could be you were there too much, it could be he just lost interest, it could be any number of things. But at least you know now all the rushing, smothering and faux "signs" are what you need to avoid.
    Originally Posted by Ruili12345
    -Over the last 9 months things had gotten more serious and I basically live with him.
    -He gave me a key early on, told me I could have a closet and keep all my stuff at his house etc
    -I spend every night there
    -he said ever since our relationship has gotten more serious and we spend so much time together his sexual attraction has lessened.
    -I've spent so much time with his family and friends made me think things were different with me.

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