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Thread: My boyfriend changed his mind about us living together

  1. #1

    My boyfriend changed his mind about us living together

    Thank you for listening. Hereís the deal...
    I am 25 years old, a full time college student and work part time while living with my parents (rent in California is ridiculous.) My boyfriend is 34, he works in politics and lives on his own. When we had been dating for 10 months he told me he wanted me to move in with him. I was beyond thrilled that he wanted to take that step with me. He seemed really genuine. He lives an hour and 30 minutes away from me, so I started to apply for jobs in his area. One month before our set move in date he told me he changed his mind, and I was crushed. I told my family, friends and employer about my plans to move. It put so much strain on our relationship that three months later he broke up with me. He could tell I resented him and we argued a lot. One week later after talking it through we got back together, and are doing well now.
    I am sure I sound childish and overly dramatic, but I couldnít help how heart broken I felt when he changed his mind after I spent months preparing for the move I was so excited about. I had never had a boyfriend commit to me in that way before, and when he basically said just kidding, it crushed me. Heís lived with previous girlfriends before, so it made me wonder if thereís something wrong with me to make him change his mind like that after making me believe itís what he wanted for months. Do you have any advice on how to help me get past it? I still think about it frequently and I know thatís not healthy.
    Thank you.

  2. #2
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    What is the commitment to which you are referring? I ask because sharing living space doesn't necessarily mean a change in the seriousness of the commitment or in feelings. What did you two discuss as far as your intentions about living together and why did he change his mind? Is it possible he saw it as practical and convenient and realized that you saw it as some sort of progression in how serious you were?

  3. #3
    He said he saw it as the next step in our relationship. He assured me it has nothing to do with me personally, he just decided it was too soon. I am extremely sensitive and have been hurt very bad in previous relationships (lied to, cheated on, abused) so I guess it hurt me much more than it would the average person. I was also really upset because of the changes I was making to prepare for the move. I had to explain to my friends, family and employer that I wasnít moving anymore and felt embarrassed.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    One month before our set move in date he told me he changed his mind, and I was crushed.
    What reason did he give you for changing his mind. I think the answer to that is important and necessary before giving advice.

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    I'm a guy, but I went through that EXACT same situation with an ex-girlfriend.

    We dated for a year and a half. We had talks of moving in together, I, just like you, was very excited that she wanted to take that next step with me. We even went furniture shopping to find stuff for our potential new place to live. I was very excited about everything. She ended up moving an hour and a half away, then, just like you, I too applied for jobs out where she lived. Then, one time, before the first time she broke up with me (first time out of three, long story), she texted me saying "I don't want to find a place together". She kept saying the "chemistry" between us was bad. Then she would try getting me back, then break up with me again.

    I honestly wish I had a woman like you instead, because clearly you care and you try your hardest to maintain a relationship, where as the women I've met have just hurt me because they weren't ready to commit, or just kept playing me around. My girlfriend of six months just left me two days ago by a text message, even after she promised she would be with me.

    This guy sounds like he has no idea what he want's, and he's flip flopping you. If I were you, I would kick this dude to the curb. I promise you, he will hurt you again. I wish I would have walked away when I could, but I didn't, and in the end I got hurt. I know, it's easier said than done, but I promise you: speaking from experience, this guy will hurt you again. I bet my life on it. It will be hard, but I promise you, there are plenty of other guys out there who will appreciate you; I honestly wish that I had a woman like you instead, so that definitely shows you that there are other guys out there for you.

    Best of luck to you.

  7. #6
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    I forgot to add, my ex-girlfriend too, lived with her ex-boyfriend before she met me. So I, too, was questioning why she would want to live with him and not me. You cannot let his decisions affect the way you feel, you are much more worth it than that. I know it's easier said than done because I was in your shoes too, but you really need to move on from him. He's going to play you around. I was in your shoes: people kept telling me to move on from her, but I didn't listen, and look what happened to me.

    Take it from me: your heart is much more worth than that; don't let yourself get hurt.

  8. #7
    He said he felt pressured by me to move in, but that confused me because he is the one who brought up me moving in with him. He also said he thought it was too soon.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    He said he felt pressured by me to move in, but that confused me because he is the one who brought up me moving in with him. He also said he thought it was too soon.
    I would want more specifics on what "next step" meant -did he mean a next step towards getting married? Towards being long term partners? What I think is that he started sensing you saw it as a much more serious "next step" and you two didn't talk specifically about future goals. I think it was unfair and thoughtless of him to have you go to all that trouble and then change his mind. Hopefully you still kept your job.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    He said he saw it as the next step in our relationship. He assured me it has nothing to do with me personally, he just decided it was too soon. I am extremely sensitive and have been hurt very bad in previous relationships (lied to, cheated on, abused) so I guess it hurt me much more than it would the average person. I was also really upset because of the changes I was making to prepare for the move. I had to explain to my friends, family and employer that I wasnít moving anymore and felt embarrassed.
    Sorry, we were posting at the same time as my first post and didn't see this ^^^

    Look at this a different way instead of dwelling on the negative. You guys are still together and according to your own words, you are doing well now so why are you still upset over something that he maturely decided to do? If he thought it was too soon for the two of you to move in then he was SMART to acknowledge that to himself and then to you. You currently are not finished school and you do not have a full time job. Once you have those two things established, most likely by then, he will think he is ready to co-habit with you.

    How do you get over your disappointment? By looking at things logically instead of emotionally and by working on your baggage. You have punished him (by resenting him) for the sins of your past boyfriend(s). Leave them and how they treated you in the past where they belong and concentrate on your current relationship and how your boyfriend values you NOW.

    Let it go, Rose... You WERE embarrassed. You're not anymore and you're in a happy union.

  11. #10
    We have talked about long term goals and we both know we want marriage and children. When he said he felt pressured by me I donít think he was telling the truth, I never mentioned us living together, how could he have felt pressured? I think so too, and itís the reason we ended up breaking up and getting back together. I donít know how to forget about it happening, and now I donít know where we stand in our relationship currently. Itís hard to go from that to nothing.

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