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My boyfriend changed his mind about us living together


CrimsonRose

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Thank you for listening. Here’s the deal...

I am 25 years old, a full time college student and work part time while living with my parents (rent in California is ridiculous.) My boyfriend is 34, he works in politics and lives on his own. When we had been dating for 10 months he told me he wanted me to move in with him. I was beyond thrilled that he wanted to take that step with me. He seemed really genuine. He lives an hour and 30 minutes away from me, so I started to apply for jobs in his area. One month before our set move in date he told me he changed his mind, and I was crushed. I told my family, friends and employer about my plans to move. It put so much strain on our relationship that three months later he broke up with me. He could tell I resented him and we argued a lot. One week later after talking it through we got back together, and are doing well now.

I am sure I sound childish and overly dramatic, but I couldn’t help how heart broken I felt when he changed his mind after I spent months preparing for the move I was so excited about. I had never had a boyfriend commit to me in that way before, and when he basically said just kidding, it crushed me. He’s lived with previous girlfriends before, so it made me wonder if there’s something wrong with me to make him change his mind like that after making me believe it’s what he wanted for months. Do you have any advice on how to help me get past it? I still think about it frequently and I know that’s not healthy.

Thank you.

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What is the commitment to which you are referring? I ask because sharing living space doesn't necessarily mean a change in the seriousness of the commitment or in feelings. What did you two discuss as far as your intentions about living together and why did he change his mind? Is it possible he saw it as practical and convenient and realized that you saw it as some sort of progression in how serious you were?

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He said he saw it as the next step in our relationship. He assured me it has nothing to do with me personally, he just decided it was too soon. I am extremely sensitive and have been hurt very bad in previous relationships (lied to, cheated on, abused) so I guess it hurt me much more than it would the average person. I was also really upset because of the changes I was making to prepare for the move. I had to explain to my friends, family and employer that I wasn’t moving anymore and felt embarrassed.

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I'm a guy, but I went through that EXACT same situation with an ex-girlfriend.

 

We dated for a year and a half. We had talks of moving in together, I, just like you, was very excited that she wanted to take that next step with me. We even went furniture shopping to find stuff for our potential new place to live. I was very excited about everything. She ended up moving an hour and a half away, then, just like you, I too applied for jobs out where she lived. Then, one time, before the first time she broke up with me (first time out of three, long story), she texted me saying "I don't want to find a place together". She kept saying the "chemistry" between us was bad. Then she would try getting me back, then break up with me again.

 

I honestly wish I had a woman like you instead, because clearly you care and you try your hardest to maintain a relationship, where as the women I've met have just hurt me because they weren't ready to commit, or just kept playing me around. My girlfriend of six months just left me two days ago by a text message, even after she promised she would be with me.

 

This guy sounds like he has no idea what he want's, and he's flip flopping you. If I were you, I would kick this dude to the curb. I promise you, he will hurt you again. I wish I would have walked away when I could, but I didn't, and in the end I got hurt. I know, it's easier said than done, but I promise you: speaking from experience, this guy will hurt you again. I bet my life on it. It will be hard, but I promise you, there are plenty of other guys out there who will appreciate you; I honestly wish that I had a woman like you instead, so that definitely shows you that there are other guys out there for you.

 

Best of luck to you.

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I forgot to add, my ex-girlfriend too, lived with her ex-boyfriend before she met me. So I, too, was questioning why she would want to live with him and not me. You cannot let his decisions affect the way you feel, you are much more worth it than that. I know it's easier said than done because I was in your shoes too, but you really need to move on from him. He's going to play you around. I was in your shoes: people kept telling me to move on from her, but I didn't listen, and look what happened to me.

 

Take it from me: your heart is much more worth than that; don't let yourself get hurt.

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He said he felt pressured by me to move in, but that confused me because he is the one who brought up me moving in with him. He also said he thought it was too soon.

 

I would want more specifics on what "next step" meant -did he mean a next step towards getting married? Towards being long term partners? What I think is that he started sensing you saw it as a much more serious "next step" and you two didn't talk specifically about future goals. I think it was unfair and thoughtless of him to have you go to all that trouble and then change his mind. Hopefully you still kept your job.

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He said he saw it as the next step in our relationship. He assured me it has nothing to do with me personally, he just decided it was too soon. I am extremely sensitive and have been hurt very bad in previous relationships (lied to, cheated on, abused) so I guess it hurt me much more than it would the average person. I was also really upset because of the changes I was making to prepare for the move. I had to explain to my friends, family and employer that I wasn’t moving anymore and felt embarrassed.

Sorry, we were posting at the same time as my first post and didn't see this ^^^

 

Look at this a different way instead of dwelling on the negative. You guys are still together and according to your own words, you are doing well now so why are you still upset over something that he maturely decided to do? If he thought it was too soon for the two of you to move in then he was SMART to acknowledge that to himself and then to you. You currently are not finished school and you do not have a full time job. Once you have those two things established, most likely by then, he will think he is ready to co-habit with you.

 

How do you get over your disappointment? By looking at things logically instead of emotionally and by working on your baggage. You have punished him (by resenting him) for the sins of your past boyfriend(s). Leave them and how they treated you in the past where they belong and concentrate on your current relationship and how your boyfriend values you NOW.

 

Let it go, Rose... You WERE embarrassed. You're not anymore and you're in a happy union.

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We have talked about long term goals and we both know we want marriage and children. When he said he felt pressured by me I don’t think he was telling the truth, I never mentioned us living together, how could he have felt pressured? I think so too, and it’s the reason we ended up breaking up and getting back together. I don’t know how to forget about it happening, and now I don’t know where we stand in our relationship currently. It’s hard to go from that to nothing.

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He said he felt pressured by me to move in, but that confused me because he is the one who brought up me moving in with him. He also said he thought it was too soon.

 

My ex said the same thing, that we were "rushing things" if we moved in together, even after she proposed the idea.

 

Remember one thing: he's the one who has issues, you don't. You know what you want, you want a solid, stable, no game relationship, which is exactly what I have always wanted. You are so much more worth than this guys stupid head games.

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I am a very emotional person by nature, which is probably why this has been so hard on me. And I did mean it, we are doing well now. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. We recently took a three day trip together and enjoy our time together immensely. Thank you for your advice. I wish I was better at letting things go.

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I am a very emotional person by nature, which is probably why this has been so hard on me. And I did mean it, we are doing well now. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. We recently took a three day trip together and enjoy our time together immensely. Thank you for your advice. I wish I was better at letting things go.

 

I really hope it works out in the end. Just please be careful. Don't be afraid to walk away if need be.

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So here's the thing. It's not about you mentioning living together -you probably talked about marriage and children more, you probably referred to the future a lot and he had doubts.

 

Where you stand. If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? After that time period is over, then be simple and direct with him without apology. That if he doesn't see you two getting more serious in the near future you plan to move on.

 

Here is how I would treat this in the meanwhile (meaning the amount of time you're willing to stay if you knew he would never marry you). To him moving in together was a sign of progression of commitment. Now assume he wants to date you and is not interested in getting more serious right now. So, you take a step back too. No need to look to date others but make yourself less available and do not do "couple" things for him or act wifey in any way.

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He said he felt pressured by me to move in, but that confused me because he is the one who brought up me moving in with him. He also said he thought it was too soon.

 

I actually understand this.

 

I just posted this on another thread, but it would appear he liked the "idea" of it, but when "reality" hit that it was actually happening, he realized he wasn't as emotionally prepared/ready as he thought.

 

Yeah it's hurtful so I can understand your reaction too.

 

What to do? Have faith and trust in your connection and relationship, give it more time and try to not take it personally. Dial things back a bit.

 

This is his issue, his anxiety, his fear. If you care, let him work through it without hassling him about it. Not that you're hassling him but hopefully you get the gist of what I mean.

 

Screw what "other people" think! This is your relationship, your life.

 

Resist the urge to explain anything, none of their business!

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I am a very emotional person by nature, which is probably why this has been so hard on me. And I did mean it, we are doing well now. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. We recently took a three day trip together and enjoy our time together immensely. Thank you for your advice. I wish I was better at letting things go.

 

So I wouldn't tell myself that you're feeling this way "because" you're a very emotional person. What you are feeling is normal. 21 years ago (well a few days under 21 years ago) would have been my wedding day. We ended our engagement and we'd been living together for approximately two weeks while engaged (which is not why it ended but he is the only person I've ever officially lived with). I ended it, and after awhile, he wanted it over too. I of course have strong emotions, I can be emotional but what person wouldn't feel intensely about a serious relationship either ending or taking a huge step back? He pulled the rug out from under you. He told you he no longer wanted to live with you, he no longer wanted to get more serious with you and now you are intimate with him again and you haven't asked him to tell you when he thinks he will be ready (if ever). So now he knows you are tolerating this step back that is also open ended. That's not a huge incentive for him to want to get more serious or to explore why he changed his mind (other than the vague "too fast").

 

I get that you consider yourself a "very emotional person" -I don't doubt that - but that is not why this is so hard. This is so hard because it's normal to feel this way about being with someone who doesn't want what you want. I was with someone for 7 years on and off and we kept breaking up and getting back together because I was scared, because I'd feel doubtful and pull back. Then we'd miss each other and give things "another chance". Rinse repeat. I hate that I did that to him but on the other hand - he knew the deal and he took me back each time -and I didn't mislead him -I told him how I felt right then and it was genuine. I didn't know myself, I couldn't get to the root of it, I didn't set out intentionally to hurt him. Here's what he did wrong and what you are doing wrong - you're settling. Unless he can tell you why it happened (really why) and what his future intentions are about the two of you right now - why are you with him? To convince him that you are so awesome and do so many awesome things for him that he will find you irresistible and ask you to move in with him? Why should you need to convince anyone of that?

 

So, p.s. my cancelled wedding 21 years ago today - well, it was rescheduled. 11 years later. And I will tell you this and this is why I give this advice. When we got back together almost 8 years after that cancelled wedding we had a 2-3 minute conversation about why we were getting back together - because we wanted to see if this time we could make it work and get married and have a family. No huge discussion because you know what -when you're sure about your intentions you can express them clearly and simply and the listener knows exactly what you mean. With rare exception. Especially when it comes to something like your situation -you both knew why you were moving in together, and you need to be direct -without a huge back story or stuff about how "emotional" you are - about what you expect from being back together. Maybe one "apology" "i should have said this sooner but i let myself get caught up in the romance. Now I have my feet on the ground and I know what I want and I won't let myself settle for less. What about you?"

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I am a very emotional person by nature, which is probably why this has been so hard on me. And I did mean it, we are doing well now. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me. We recently took a three day trip together and enjoy our time together immensely. Thank you for your advice. I wish I was better at letting things go.

 

Then saying this is "his issue" is incorrect. You are a very emotional person and it shows in your inability to let this go and just enjoy the relationship you've CHOSEN to continue on in. This is YOUR choice to either change your mind set to accept the conditions you've chosen to continue on in or leave him and start over once you are healed, with someone else.

 

If you are good together, have fun as a couple, feel it that he is valuing you and his life with you why be so "emotional" over a very mature decision to wait before moving you in. Once you finish school and get a job, if you are still as happily connected as you are now then you can revisit moving in together then.

By that time, perhaps getting married instead of co-habitation will be a better option for both of you???

 

You don't believe him when he says you pressured him? Why not? Just because it was him that originally suggested it, it doesn't mean he was lying when he said that. I think the very fact that you can't just let it lay is a good reason to believe that you did end up pressuring him into something he's not yet ready to do.

 

You can learn to be better at letting things go by consciously changing your thought process to viewing your positives with him instead of dwelling on your disappointment.

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Then saying this is "his issue" is incorrect. You are a very emotional person and it shows in your inability to let this go and just enjoy the relationship you've CHOSEN to continue on in. This is YOUR choice to either change your mind set to accept the conditions you've chosen to continue on in or leave him and start over once you are healed, with someone else.

 

If you are good together, have fun as a couple, feel it that he is valuing you and his life with you why be so "emotional" over a very mature decision to wait before moving you in. Once you finish school and get a job, if you are still as happily connected as you are now then you can revisit moving in together then.

By that time, perhaps getting married instead of co-habitation will be a better option for both of you???

 

You don't believe him when he says you pressured him? Why not? Just because it was him that originally suggested it, it doesn't mean he was lying when he said that. I think the very fact that you can't just let it lay is a good reason to believe that you did end up pressuring him into something he's not yet ready to do.

 

You can learn to be better at letting things go by consciously changing your thought process to viewing your positives with him instead of dwelling on your disappointment.

 

I will add to this that if she accepts a watered down version of the past relationship that is open ended (because he hasn't told her if he'd ever consider getting more serious or if so, when) she has to do that with 100% self-honesty and with a positive attitude. It doesn't sound like she's able to do that right now and it's probably obvious to him in off putting ways.

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I didn’t say it was his issue, that was another member who said that. I’m not at all trying to say here that I’m perfect, I clearly have a hard time letting things go and am very sensitive and emotional. I appreciate your advice and take it to heart.

 

Why should you let it go - he took a huge step back after you invested time and probably money in uprooting your life. The issue isn't whether you are taking it too hard or should let it go, but whether you should keep dating and being involved with someone who is not on the same page with you. That is your choice, whether you are ok settling for this new arrangement.

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I can see why you were so upset. It was a huge thing. He told you he wanted to live together, you put in a lot of time, money and effort thinking you were moving.

That's not a small thing.

Then he says..'opps, sorry, didn't mean it' which is not only hurtful but a bit of a punch to the guts. It's not right to play with peoples lives or emotions like that.

 

Should you forgive him? It really is a question only you can answer. Is this something you can't get past? Will it continue to bother you? Do you still resent him? Do you feel unsettled and taken for granted now that he has pulled back?

 

No one would blame you if you answered yes to the above questions. But you do need to make a decision on this one way or the other and stick to it.

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To clarify to all, I am the poster who said it's his issue. His anxiety, HIS fear.

 

Again, he was drawn to the idea of it, but when reality hit, he realized he wasn't as emotionally ready as he thought.

 

Try to not overthink this.

 

I read something powerful recently -- "sometimes the most powerful, effective and beneficial thing you can do to move things forward (in a positive way) is to take a step back."

 

The article discussed many reasons why this is beneficial, but in short, it's to gain clarity, reasses, think things through and get a clearer perspective.

 

Understanding and remaining open and flexible to change is key.

 

CR, this does not have to mean the end, and it doesn't necessarily mean he's "not on the same page" either imo.

 

That said, from here good idea to dial things back, less serious, let it play out.

 

I think it's good you are self-aware of how emotional you are, and how your emotions affect your reactions,

 

Change will never happen without such self-awareness so I see this as a positive, nothing to over-analyze, become self-critical about, or apologize for.

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