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Thread: My boyfriend changed his mind about us living together

  1. #21
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    I didnít say it was his issue, that was another member who said that. Iím not at all trying to say here that Iím perfect, I clearly have a hard time letting things go and am very sensitive and emotional. I appreciate your advice and take it to heart.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by CrimsonRose
    I didnít say it was his issue, that was another member who said that. Iím not at all trying to say here that Iím perfect, I clearly have a hard time letting things go and am very sensitive and emotional. I appreciate your advice and take it to heart.
    Why should you let it go - he took a huge step back after you invested time and probably money in uprooting your life. The issue isn't whether you are taking it too hard or should let it go, but whether you should keep dating and being involved with someone who is not on the same page with you. That is your choice, whether you are ok settling for this new arrangement.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Can you answer the question of how you were going to pay for living with him?
    It's relevant information. Sometimes it's not about emotions, but practicalities.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I can see why you were so upset. It was a huge thing. He told you he wanted to live together, you put in a lot of time, money and effort thinking you were moving.
    That's not a small thing.
    Then he says..'opps, sorry, didn't mean it' which is not only hurtful but a bit of a punch to the guts. It's not right to play with peoples lives or emotions like that.

    Should you forgive him? It really is a question only you can answer. Is this something you can't get past? Will it continue to bother you? Do you still resent him? Do you feel unsettled and taken for granted now that he has pulled back?

    No one would blame you if you answered yes to the above questions. But you do need to make a decision on this one way or the other and stick to it.

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  6. #25
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    To clarify to all, I am the poster who said it's his issue. His anxiety, HIS fear.

    Again, he was drawn to the idea of it, but when reality hit, he realized he wasn't as emotionally ready as he thought.

    Try to not overthink this.

    I read something powerful recently -- "sometimes the most powerful, effective and beneficial thing you can do to move things forward (in a positive way) is to take a step back."

    The article discussed many reasons why this is beneficial, but in short, it's to gain clarity, reasses, think things through and get a clearer perspective.

    Understanding and remaining open and flexible to change is key.

    CR, this does not have to mean the end, and it doesn't necessarily mean he's "not on the same page" either imo.

    That said, from here good idea to dial things back, less serious, let it play out.

    I think it's good you are self-aware of how emotional you are, and how your emotions affect your reactions,

    Change will never happen without such self-awareness so I see this as a positive, nothing to over-analyze, become self-critical about, or apologize for.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    To clarify to all, I am the poster who said it's his issue. His anxiety, HIS fear.

    Again, he was drawn to the idea of it, but when reality hit, he realized he wasn't as emotionally ready as he thought.

    Try to not overthink this.

    I read something powerful recently -- "sometimes the most powerful, effective and beneficial thing you can do to move things forward (in a positive way) is to take a step back."

    The article discussed many reasons why this is beneficial, but in short, it's to gain clarity, reasses, think things through and get a clearer perspective.

    Understanding and remaining open and flexible to change is key.

    CR, this does not have to mean the end, and it doesn't necessarily mean he's "not on the same page" either imo.

    That said, from here good idea to dial things back, less serious, let it play out.

    I think it's good you are self-aware of how emotional you are, and how your emotions affect your reactions,

    Change will never happen without such self-awareness so I see this as a positive, nothing to over-analyze, become self-critical about, or apologize for.
    If he saw living together as taking a next step and increasing commitment -and if they both have the goal of marriage and children, now he has not only taken a step back but he is leaving it open ended -no idea when he will be ready to be more serious in any way as he apparently saw living together as getting more serious. She still wants to be more serious, she still has marriage and family as a goal and it's unclear if he still has those intentions. Until he tells her his intentions they are not on the same page. And the fact that he hasn't told her his intentions tells me that either he is not sure anymore what those are, and also not concerned about losing her now that he's told her he's not ready to be more serious. And that's because she went back to him without confirming his current intentions so he can assume she's fine with what he is offering now. Which is less serious and less future-thinking than what he offered her in the past.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Can you answer the question of how you were going to pay for living with him?
    It's relevant information. Sometimes it's not about emotions, but practicalities.
    Yes, I agree and have also highlighted that fact Op: You're still in school and only working part time. That is not a good position to be in to be moving out of your parents financial protection and I would imagine your boyfriend got thinking about that too. Their financial protection would then be his responsibility. Its always best to move in together when you are both working and are able to contribute fairly equally to expenses.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Its always best to move in together when you are both working and are able to contribute fairly equally to expenses.
    I agree but he should have thought about that before putting it on the table. To suggest it, then say nah...after she starts making all sorts of plans, is pretty arsey. Imo.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I agree but he should have thought about that before putting it on the table. To suggest it, then say nah...after she starts making all sorts of plans, is pretty arsey. Imo.
    I think it's arsey too, but I don't think he was intentionally being arsey. An important distinction imo.

    Agree he should have thought it through better, of course. But perhaps he needed to face the 'reality' of it before being emotionally able to do that.

    Not excusing it or justifying, just trying to 'understand' it which again I think is key if CR wants to move forward with him in a positive way.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I agree but he should have thought about that before putting it on the table. To suggest it, then say nah...after she starts making all sorts of plans, is pretty arsey. Imo.
    Its much better to bow out of something one is not sure of (more people should do that instead of getting married when they have any kind of doubt and the divorce rate would be a lot lower). Sure its hurtful to her and her next step should be to have a discussion about mutual dating goals and if he's not wanting to advance the relationship EVER then she should just exit the relationship all together. However: to continue to be so hurt over this while she continues on in the relationship in a state of limbo is on her now.

    Op: Have you discussed when he will be ready or have you just re-established the relationship without further discussion?

    Also: Please use the quote function when replying so that we know who you are addressing.

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