Best way to ask her out

I [24F] started talking to a girl [26F] back in May and asked her out but she was about to leave for 5 months for her field research (she’s a PhD student). We only talked one other time during this period she was gone (in September). She said she’d be back permanently in November after I hinted at the fact that I’d like to see her when she got back home. I know she’s home now, since she has been posting instagrams with her location and I was gonna reach out to see if she wanted to get drinks. I’ve decided that I have nothing to lose by trying to ask her out again. If she rejects me then at least I tried.

I know she’s probably busy with a lot since she is a PhD student, and someone had suggested that I message her saying something along the lines of “hey I know you’re most likely pretty busy lately, I’ve been a bit swamped with work and stuff also but would you like to grab some drinks this week?”

Would this be the best way to approach asking her? Showing her that I’m busy also but I’d like to make time for her? I don’t want to seem too pushy Incase she’s not interested because theres a very big possibility that’s the case and I don’t want to hold her to what she said about being permanently back in November either.

Leave off the confusing preamble. Get to the point without assumptions and filler words. This is fine.

"would you like to grab some drinks this week?”

Leave off the confusing preamble. Get to the point without assumptions and filler words. This is fine.

Exactly. Direct and simple no back story no showing off how busy you are. "Hi - hope you're doing well! Want to catch up on Tuesday at ___ -we can grab coffee or a drink". Be specific with which day.

Everyone is busy - PhD students are very busy. If she has time to post on INstagram and is interested in seeing you she'll make time for you. It's not pushy to ask someone out twice in 6 months.

Mentioning that you're busy comes off as trying too hard to look busy. Skip that and just ask her if she'd like to grab a drink.

Thanks guys... you’re all right. I’ll update what happens...

Just ask her out.

Short, simple.

No padding.

She didn't get in touch, so maybe she'll say no, but you have nothing to lose.

Dignity is over-rated. Unlike self respect - which cuts in if she says no - then you don't contact her again.

Yup—just chiming in with the others.

Make no presumptions about where she's at—that's just hedging, and will read as such. Confidence is attractive, and you're plenty confident. If she says no, you'll feel a ding for an hour or so, and that's that.

So just ask her out.

Just asked her out and we have a date and time set. Now I’m nervous because I’m afraid she only agreed because maybe she doesn’t want to feel bad and reject me? Her responses didn’t seem too excited but it is hard to gauge emotions like that through text

Relax. One step at a time. She’s busy and she agreed because she wants to see you.

Take it light and easy, have fun, and don't talk about relationships (unless she asks you).

Go and enjoy. She agreed because she wants to. It's not a pity date so don't convince yourself of that.

Just asked her out and we have a date and time set. Now I’m nervous because I’m afraid she only agreed because maybe she doesn’t want to feel bad and reject me?

Just asked her out and we have a date and time set. Now I’m nervous because I’m afraid she only agreed because maybe she doesn’t want to feel bad and reject me?

One of the most important habits I ever tackled was the critical voice I ran in my head that sought the most negative outcome for everything. That's not self protection, it just causes you to feel lousy about everything, and it causes others to feel lousy about you.

Negativity as your default voice is something people pick up on pretty quickly, and it will get you avoided. Read up on changing this habit before it wrecks your life and proves you 'right' about every prediction.

Meanwhile, enjoy your date, if you can.

She said yes so go with that. Texting has to be the number one cause for misunderstandings in the whole world.

Get there on time or a little early, relax and smile when you greet her, give her a simple compliment on how she looks but don't gush and after you sit down ask questions about her research trip to get the ice broken. Show interest in what she says and pay attention! Also don't just wait for your turn to talk, LISTEN and ask follow up questions. Remember she is much more than a pretty face.

Good luck and have a good time.

Lost

So I just got back from my date... I really like her. We stayed til the place closed and I felt like overall, we have a good flow of conversation and lots of laughing. She brought up her ex once but I didn’t see any of the red flags associated with it when she brought it up, it was just part of what she was saying in response to me.

At the end of the date, I walked her to her car, we talked a bit and I told her to let me know when she got home safely and to be careful of the slippery leaves and gave her a hug. I didn’t want to pounce on the kiss this early on.

She just messaged me “home” and then “goodnight”. Seemed kind of cold, completely different from her personality in person. I responded by saying “those leaves got nothin on us. Thanks for coming again, I had a great time! Maybe we can try to do something again when I get back” since I will be out of town til next Monday and then “goodnight!”

She responded by saying “those leaves don’t have anything on us. Sounds nice”.

It seems like she’s a bit standoffish... I mean she was not like this at alllll during the date so I guess I’m just confused now

You seem much more emotional than she is, that's all. Not everyone is good at gushing mushy stuff over text. Relax. She's interested. It's not confusing at all.

So I just got back from my date... I really like her. We stayed til the place closed and I felt like overall, we have a good flow of conversation and lots of laughing...She responded by saying “those leaves don’t have anything on us. Sounds nice”. I’m just confused now

I don't think she's cold or standoffish. I think she is less interested in going out again than you are. So you are experiencing her comments that way. I would see if she arranges another time to get together since she clearly knows you are interested in her.

Ok, so if I don’t hear from her while I’m gone, should I even try to set up a second date or just let it go?

Ok, so if I don’t hear from her while I’m gone, should I even try to set up a second date or just let it go?

I wouldn't do any waiting. You don't have a time and place plan for another date so there is no other date unless you plan another one in the future. In this situation I would suggest leaving the ball in her court. Right now I would put her entirely off your radar -give it zero thought and let it go right now. Give it thought if in the future she suggests getting together. At that time you can decide if you're still interested and available.

Don't send mixed signals. You mentioned "doing something when I get back". Keep your word and contact her to set up something. Why have a great date, text that and then ghost? Be consistent. Don't play very ill-advised games of her turn, etc. If you text an idea about a date when you get back and she says 'no" or "too busy", then you can move on.

Ok, so if I don’t hear from her while I’m gone, should I even try to set up a second date or just let it go?

Seems as though there are two conflicting ideas going around right now. I DO want to see her again, which is why I am leaning towards contacting her to set something up. She did say something along the lines of “I’ll talk to you in the meantime” or something like that just before we parted and we had not talked about seeing each other again at this point at all. So it’s possible that’s it’s still too early to tell if she will or will not reach out while I’m away

Oh another thing to mention... don’t know if this is of importance or not or changes how I should act in this situation, but we are still chatting through Instagram DM. I forgot to ask for her number last night before we parted but I definitely will if there is a second date.

When I first messaged her 5 months ago, I gave her my number but she responded back in Instagram. Which makes sense,I wouldn’t want some stranger to have my number like that either if someone reached out to me. I wouldn’t expect her to scroll back up our messages to find my number at this point though. Just thought I’d add this tidbit of info Incase it is of relevance

So I would stop or greatly reduce the chat buddy stuff if your goal is to hold her interest and get to know her in person. Yes, if you suggested another plan and told her you would follow up then follow up. I misunderstood how you left it.

So I would stop or greatly reduce the chat buddy stuff if your goal is to hold her interest and get to know her in person. Yes, if you suggested another plan and told her you would follow up then follow up. I misunderstood how you left it.

Yeah we never did a lot of texting anyway, it was always short getting to know each other and then setting up date/logistics so I don’t plan on buddy buddy chatting with her while I’m gone.

All I said was “maybe we can try to do something again when I get back” so I didn’t necessarily tell her I’d follow up but I think I will anyway if she doesn’t suggest something before then...

Yeah we never did a lot of texting anyway, it was always short getting to know each other and then setting up date/logistics so I don’t plan on buddy buddy chatting with her while I’m gone.

 

All I said was “maybe we can try to do something again when I get back” so I didn’t necessarily tell her I’d follow up but I think I will anyway if she doesn’t suggest something before then...

OK so since it is vague it's ok for you to follow up when you get back.

“home” and then “goodnight”. Seemed kind of cold,

Typical text people send when they get home safely and are TIRED.

I'd give the negativity a rest, it doesn't serve you in any way.