He says he's not ready for a relationship. Just not that interested?

So my ex from 2 years ago reached out to me in May asking if I wanted to grab drinks or a bite to eat. He said that he wanted to reach out because we ended things pretty badly. I accused him of cheating, he accused me of cheating, it was bad. I hesitantly agreed to meet up. We eventually meet up late August and we agree to date again...except I soon realized he was never actually taking me out on dates. I thought, whatever, he's been working night-shifts at the hospital, gets put on-call a lot, spends his weekends helping his brother fix his new house. I focused on the fact that he was always checking on me, we saw each other at least once a week, and he sometimes calls/face-times me. But once 2 months hit, I was getting weary. I had the "what-are-we" talk. It felt like I had to convince him a little, but eventually he said "you can call us whatever you want." We kissed and went to bed.

But the next day, he said he was thinking about the talk and felt he needed to give me a straight answer. His words: "Honestly, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. The last one I was in ended badly and I realized I had a lot I needed to work on: mainly jealousy and insecurity. I can't deny that I like you and I think you're beautiful inside and out. But I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in a relationship. And I understand if you don't want to talk anymore, I get it."

What does this sound like to you? Is he just politely trying to reject me? Or is he really just afraid of hurting me or himself again, so he is taking the time to work on himself?

It sounds like you are a FWB.

Yeah, it sounds like he came back to you for a casual situation while he figures himself out. If you want more than what he's offering, I'd get out. I think FWB situations with exes are bad news and not worth the pain.

Yes, I feel that he just wants a fwb situation. He might like you and feel attracted, but doesn't have enough feelings for an actual relationship.

Since you have feelings and want something more, I'd suggest doing as he said and not talking to him so that you can heal and move on for good from him.

Sorry about this—and apologies if my response to this sounded insensitive in the other post.

Look, I think he's being completely honest with you—and, sadly, that's the problem. Whatever his initial intentions were, he's kind of in a panic state at the moment. Past stuff with you, past stuff post-you—who knows? That's not the puzzle you want to unpack, because it gets you nowhere.

What matters is simply that this is where he is right now: wobbly, more so than you. It sucks. I've been there. I'm kind of there, in my own way, with someone as I write this. But the way to avoid bitterness is just to accept that his truth doesn't align with yours. It's not malicious. It's just fact.

Hard as it is, I'd just let this go, knowing that right now it's a recipe for heartache, anxiety, etc. He's telling you straight up what he has to offer—ex or not, you want more than that and deserve it.

He tried to have his cake and eat it too. Had you not asked for an explanation, he would have carried on wasting your time. Imo, what he had been doing was disrespectful and dishonest. He had been pushing the envelope for a fwb situation under your nose right up until you called him out on it. It is up to you to protect yourself now that you know his true intentions. Imo, this guy tried to lure you into a fwb situation and sadly it's up to you to free yourself or get used. Unless you want fwb, do not talk to him anymore. He will "understand".

What does this sound like to you? Is he just politely trying to reject me? Or is he really just afraid of hurting me or himself again, so he is taking the time to work on himself?

You can't believe the things someone tells you when breaking up with you or the reason they're breaking up with you. Nobody says the real reason I contacted you is I just broke up with a girlfriend and I only reached out to you for some sex and I don't want a relationship, or something like that. Don't worry that he's afraid of hurting you or himself. It's more like you gave him "the talk," which called his bluff, and now he's out of there.

We broke up because of his trust issues a little over 2 years ago. One night the name of someone I used to see popped up on my phone and instead of addressing it, he just started pulling away from me, acting rude towards me, starting fights and eventually broke up with me.

 

That was in Sep. 2016. Fast forward to May 2018, I know he's been with a few girls since then. He reaches out to me on Snapchat to wish me a Happy Birthday, see how I'm doing, and asked if it wasn't too much to grab drinks or a bite to eat with me. We didn't meet up until late August and began seeing each other (talking everyday, having sex) for at least 2 months. I thought we were dating because he agreed to date me, but he never actually took me out on dates. I finally had the "what are we" conversation with him last week and after saying "you can call us whatever you want", he told me the next day:

 

"Honestly, I'm not ready for a relationship. The last one I was in ended pretty badly and I realized I had a lot I needed to work on: mainly jealousy and insecurity. I can't deny I like you and I think you're a beautiful person inside and out. But I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in a relationship. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore, I get it."

 

I thought I was his last relationship, but apparently he was with another girl who has a son not too long after breaking up with me.

Ah, this is a bit different from the story you posted here. He was involved with someone else and you wound up being a reconnect rebound.

Look, this guy has anger and jealousy issues, and he's not above using people. You shouldn't think twice about this guy. Block him, delete him, erase him from your life. Don't let him get another 2-month booty call from you again.

All of this pain and confusion would stop if you blocked and deleted him and had a real bf. Stop stalking his social media and instead get a good profile and pics up on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting men.

You could be in a healthy happy relationship with someone by now. But instead you are this guys backup plan and booty call when he has dry spells. Invest in better dating opportunities and stop obsessing about this player.

09-07-2018:

 

An ex from 2 years ago contacted me on Snapchat in May asking how I was. late-August, loneliness got the best of me and I made a snap-decision to message my ex. begin to playfully tease each other and end up having sex.

 

The days following I’m sensing some distance. He’s not initiating any texts and now I’m just like “what is going on!” his Snapchat scores are always increasing – meaning he is posting stuff but I’m just not able to see it.

It doesn't matter which it is other than for your ego. He wants a sexual arrangement and perhaps to hang out as friends too. He is not interested in a relationship with you and/or anyone. Result is the same -you want different things.

I agree with Batya, not ready boils down to the same thing as not interested. I, too, reunited with an ex after many years, and it became immediately apparent why we broke up in the first place despite the love that will always be there. Some people are just better loved from far away.

If you want the same sort of low commitment level as him, stay where you are.

If not, start looking for someone new, and if you want you can keep on seeing him while you do - it's his choice, after all.

The beauty of this situation, from your POV, is he can hardly complain when you chop him off because you find someone better.

 

What does this sound like to you? Is he just politely trying to reject me? Or is he really just afraid of hurting me or himself again, so he is taking the time to work on himself?

Listen to what he is saying without putting any of your hopes into his statement.

Don't settle. Know your end dating goal and if its to be with someone that does want to be in a relationship of exclusivity and commitment with someone that actually values you, then dump this chuckler, block and delete him so he can't hoover you back for more of the same non-commitment and heal to the stage of indifference to him so you can find that guy that wants it all with you.

Update: After reading all of your guys' posts, I had a sick feeling in my stomach and started to hate myself and I felt all those feelings of unworthiness and self-pity again. So I messaged him asking if the only reason he saw me was to get me into a FWB situation. He replied pretty quickly saying "No that's not the case. I want one because I like you. But a relationship is just something I'm not ready for right now." I was pretty surprised to find out that the last relationship he was in was with a 25 year old, single mom who is a nurse. I'm also amazed how quickly he finds relationships. He got into a relationship with her right after me 2 years ago, it seems.

I waited to see if he would take it upon himself to reach out every now and then, but when he didn't, I waited after three days to message him a simple "hey, how are you doing?" He seemed pretty excited in his response: "!!!Hi!! I'm good. How are you?" We messaged back and forth the whole day, but the next day, nothing. I'm not initiating anymore and I'm giving him his space. Meanwhile, I am trying to put myself out there and meet new people, even though I'm not 100% feeling it.

To me, it looks like he doesn't want me to get my hopes up so he isn't initiating texts. I wonder how he plans to work on his jealousy and insecurity issues while he is single? I kind of wish he would just tell me, "Hey, I like you, but I realized we're not compatible enough for a relationship. I'm really sorry." I would've taken my bags and just left. Either way, I'm still over here feeling like I'm not good enough.

" I kind of wish he would just tell me, "Hey, I like you, but I realized we're not compatible enough for a relationship. I'm really sorry.""

But he DID already say this:

"He replied pretty quickly saying "No that's not the case. I want one because I like you. But a relationship is just something I'm not ready for right now.""

It's not the exact same words but the meaning is the same...he is not ready for a relationship.

Instead of waiting for HIM to decide your future, how about YOU decide? Do you want to waste time with someone who told you in plain language he is not going to be in a relationship with you, hoping you can be awesome enough to get him to change his mind...or do you want to meet someone you don't have to convince?

That doesn't really mean the same thing...he could think we are compatible, but since he has "jealousy and insecurity issues" he needs to work on...he possibly could not want to sabotage another relationship without taking the time to be single and love himself. He also said "it wouldn't be fair to you to have a half-ass version of me."

While we were seeing each other for the 2 months, I did notice some insecurity behaviors. For example, whenever I would tell him my friend is coming into town to visit me, he would amp up his texts whenever I'm hanging out with her. He would ask me what we are doing and he'd maintain the conversation for as long as I'm hanging out with my friend. Another time my phone went off at night because it had finished updating, and he just looked at me for the longest time because I didn't bother to check my phone. I think he is scared of sabotaging another relationship because he has had a string of failed relationships. I know a few of his exes and they've all mentioned that he didn't treat them well. He was a bad communicator, but I see he has grown, because the man I knew two years ago would not even express honestly how he felt.

I think this guy does want a real successful relationship, he just hasn't quite figured himself out yet.

That doesn't really mean the same thing...he could think we are compatible, but since he has "jealousy and insecurity issues" he needs to work on...he possibly could not want to sabotage another relationship without taking the time to be single and love himself. He also said "it wouldn't be fair to you to have a half-ass version of me."

 

While we were seeing each other for the 2 months, I did notice some insecurity behaviors. For example, whenever I would tell him my friend is coming into town to visit me, he would amp up his texts whenever I'm hanging out with her. He would ask me what we are doing and he'd maintain the conversation for as long as I'm hanging out with my friend. Another time my phone went off at night because it had finished updating, and he just looked at me for the longest time because I didn't bother to check my phone. I think he is scared of sabotaging another relationship because he has had a string of failed relationships. I know a few of his exes and they've all mentioned that he didn't treat them well. He was a bad communicator, but I see he has grown, because the man I knew two years ago would not even express honestly how he felt.

 

I think this guy does want a real successful relationship, he just hasn't quite figured himself out yet.

All that is you trying to convince yourself it's worth going along with a casual arrangement, all while "hoping".

Just be prepared...he's warned you up front there will be no relationship unless and until he decides he's "ready". Which could be never, since you're giving him all of the benefits of a relationship without him having to actually be in one. Plus, it gives him an "out" if you ever start to pressure him or he meets someone else.

It's not even a casual arrangement. Ever since he laid out his words honestly, he hasn't tried to get me to sleep with him.

It's not even a casual arrangement. Ever since he laid out his words honestly, he hasn't tried to get me to sleep with him.

That's good. It shows he has enough integrity to not use you for sex, attention or ego-soothing when he knows you have feelings for him that go beyond friendship.

If he didn't like you he wouldn't hesitate to use you for his own benefit. But it's clear that although he does like you, it isn't enough right now for him to decide to date you or get into a relationship with you.

I was in a similar situation. The guy told me he "liked" me, but not enough to want to be in a relationship with me. The difference was, he was willing to keep having sex with me because, he told me, if I found it problematic or difficult it was up to me to say "no". But if I brought up any feelings he was quick to remind me we were not in a relationship. I walked away because it was doing me no good to keep giving him access to my body when I knew he didn't love me.

My thoughts -- people are complex. Many carry around with them lots of anxieties and fears which become magnified when they enter into relationships with those they care about.

And yes dealing with these fears and anxieties can be a struggle for some people. So much so many prefer to not want to bother with relationships at all.

Or if they do, they behave in ways contrary to how they feel, or attempt to objectify the person sexually as a way to maintain emotional distance; the list goes on.

Bottom line he cares on some level, but doesn't want what you want.

And it may be a long time until he does, if ever.

These types of fears and anxieties (which are the reasons for his jealousy and insecurity) are hell and can take a very long time to conquer, sometimes many years.

You need to block and delete him once and for all. You broke up 2 years ago and him reaching out during dry spells or when he gets dumped is not an indication that he wants a relationship with you.

These continued 'relationship talks' so long after breaking up are messing with your head and stunting your ability to move forward and meet healthier men who do want a relationship with you.

Update: I messaged him asking if the only reason he saw me was to get me into a FWB situation. He replied pretty quickly saying "No that's not the case. I want one because I like you. But a relationship is just something I'm not ready for right now."

I think this guy does want a real successful relationship, he just hasn't quite figured himself out yet.

Do yourself a favor and forget about him. You'll find someone who IS ready to be in a relationship a lot quicker when you're not sabotaging connections due to having mis-guided hope for him.

Update: After reading all of your guys' posts, I had a sick feeling in my stomach and started to hate myself and I felt all those feelings of unworthiness and self-pity again.

Why? What's the value in adopting a self-destructive lens?

Whether the guy is not ready for a relationship or just doesn't want one with you, neither case is a reflection on YOU. If the worst case is that the guy doesn't own the capacity to 'see' your unique value, then that doesn't diminish your value, it speaks of his limitations.

Trust your own value and relax into it. From that position, you can screen OUT anyone who doesn't match your vision. If you shoot for love while viewing yourself as a worm, then you've set yourself up to accept any scraps someone will toss you. That will continually break your heart.

If you and this guy were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but in order for that to happen, you'll need to climb to that place on your own. From there your perspective will teach you that true simpatico with someone who 'gets' you and adores you and is All IN, is the only kind of relationship you deserve.