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Coping with my Dad’s Cancer


Eliza84

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About a year and a half ago my Dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a terminal cancer.

 

My dad is big into conspiracy theories, and alternative therapies, and is refusing to get the recommended treatment for his cancer. He thinks the pharmaceutical companies are suppressing a cancer cure because they make such a profit on chemotherapy drugs, and refuses to listen to the doctors in Canada.

 

Instead, he has chosen to get experimental cancer treatments in Mexico. The treatments they offer at the clinics there have not been throroughly assessed through clinical trials, and are unproven and frankly dangerous.

 

He’s paying soooo much money for these unproven treatments, and in my opinion, these medical clinics down in Mexico are a money grab.

 

He’s convinced that the treatments in Mexico are helping, but he is obviously declining. He was recently hospitalized for rectal bleeding, is tired all the time, aenemic, and just looks sooo unwell. It’s very reminiscent of what Steve Jobs went through, trying to cure cancer with organic foods etc.

 

Sooo, I have a moral dilemma. My Dad knows how I feel about him going to Mexico, but ultimately it’s his body and his decision. I have a really hard time being supportive, when I am so against the decisions he’s making. I don’t know how to come to terms with it.

 

He’s planning on going to Mexico again, but this time he’s talking about going to other clinics, and tying other therapies. It’s obvious his cancer is progressing and he isn’t being honest about it.

 

He gets upset every time I ask about the therapies he’s considering in Mexico, and when I offer counterpoints and other opinions that differ from his own.

 

I want to feel like I am part of his team, and advocate for his health, but I feel so shut out and he gets so defensive when I am only trying to help prolong his life by encouraging him to get proper medical treatment.

 

I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to come to terms with my dad making poor decisions that will likely shorten his life considerably.

 

Up until now I’ve been gentle in my approach because I don’t want to upset him.

 

What should I do? Should I write him a letter and explain everything that I’m feeling? Should I leave him alone and try to accept that he’s going to do what he wants? I’m feeling very powerless and hopeless.

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How do you know his decisions are shortening his life? How do you know chemo would be tolerated any better?

 

Recognize that he has his own moral dilemma: western medicine. Frankly I don’t entirely disagree with him - I wouldn’t jump to Mexican medicine necessarily - but he needs to proceed as he sees fit.

 

He will die eventually. But at least with these decisions, he dies making a decision he feels more comfortable with.

 

Give him that dignity and try to be supportive.

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Well, writing a letter might make you feel better, but it's not going to convince him not to go to Mexico. I might be around your Dad's age, and I can feel for him. There is some validity to some of his conspiracy theories. Chemo may extend your life but a lot of cancer death rates haven't decreased in decades. Big pharma has just figured out a way to take all your money while you're dying. I don't think Mexican clinics know anything your doctors in Canada don't.

 

I think his best bet is with herbals. He should immediately be eating as much turmeric as possible, even if it turns him yellow. That seems like his best hope. It won't hurt him and he can buy it in any supermarket, but obviously the best quality works best. There are also some other recommended herbs such as astragalus, Goldenseal and Echinacea, and Cayenne. (I have been taking Cayenne and Garlic for my heart for 20 years.) Again, none of these will hurt him, but they might help him.

 

Maybe try offering him this alternative. I do think the Mexican cancer clinics are scams. Some of them have been caught just injecting saline into people. And herbs might give your dad some hope, which at this point might be the only thing that will help.

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First off I too believe there's too much money to be made in the medical field to actually get a cure out there for the people to use.

 

As for Mexico, my neighbour's wife had cancer and was told by her doctor to get her affairs in order as she was considered terminal. Her husband sold his trucking business to get the cash to go to Mexico for treatment. They were gone almost a year. In the end she was cured. This was over 10 years ago. So I would not dismiss the idea of trying alternative treatments in Mexico. Yes it depends on the person and the type of cancer, but it worked for this lady.

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How do you know his decisions are shortening his life? How do you know chemo would be tolerated any better?

 

You are right, I don’t know. And I agree that chemotherapy is dangerous as well, and could also potentially shorten his life. It’s just that I can only assume that relying on unproven “cures” is ultimately more dangerous in the long run than taking drugs that doctors know for sure actually kill cancer cells. And that it makes sense to act soon, while his immune system is most able to tolerate chemotherapy. If he waits his condition will worsen, and he will be more at risk for complications.

 

I agree that Western Medicine isn’t perfect, but I don’t buy into the conspiracy theories of Big Pharma suppressing a cure.

 

BUT...on the other hand I completely understand my Dad’s fears, and his need to try a gentle, holistic, alternative approach to his therapies. He’s afraid of Chemotherapy. I would be too.

 

But all of this from my end just comes from me wanting my Dad to have the best odds of living with and managing his disease. I don’t want to disrespect his wishes, and the last thing I want to do is fight with him about it when we could be spending time together in an enjoyable way.

 

I just don’t know how to come to terms with it.

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His body, his choice is absolutely right. Not wanting to expressly endorse his pursuit of alternative treatment is quite different from badgering him and guilt tripping him with dramatic letters. With respect to your position and having to deal with his finality, a modicum of empathy should suggest to you that the struggle is that much more real for him. He's getting his hope where he needs to get it. It's not your place to dictate where he draws his optimism from or whether / how he comes to grips with his mortality.

 

I'm not as cynical as others when it comes to pharma. I can't say I'd put much stake in his experimental treatment. But it's not my life. And I pray to the God I don't even believe in that were I in his position, those closest to me would afford me the absolute bare minimum respect it takes to allow me to cope as I need to.

 

Get therapy for yourself if you find yourself struggling to the point you'd catch yourself imposing on him. Again, it's plenty understandable. Best of luck to him, you, and the rest of your family.

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I think his best bet is with herbals. He should immediately be eating as much turmeric as possible, even if it turns him yellow. That seems like his best hope. It won't hurt him and he can buy it in any supermarket, but obviously the best quality works best. There are also some other recommended herbs such as astragalus, Goldenseal and Echinacea, and Cayenne. (I have been taking Cayenne and Garlic for my heart for 20 years.) Again, none of these will hurt him, but they might help him.

 

Maybe try offering him this alternative. I do think the Mexican cancer clinics are scams. Some of them have been caught just injecting saline into people. And herbs might give your dad some hope, which at this point might be the only thing that will help.

 

I have no issue with him taking herbs, boosting his immune system, eating organic etc. I think it’s great that he does that! But I am afraid it isn’t enough, and that the cancer requires more aggressive treatment.

 

Look, I really don’t know about the Mexico treatments. Maybe they cure some people, but all the evidence is anecdotal at best, and the amount of money he’s spending is ridiculous when he could be getting free healthcare back home. I have acted supportive and kind to him about it so far, but have expressed concern to him.

 

I feel the need to defend myself because I actually have held back a LOT with my Dad, and have only expressed concern a few times, in a respectful and kind way. He’s gone to Mexico a bunch of times already and I have been very lighthearted with him about it and try to be encouraging. It’s just hard because it feels very disingenuous considering I wouldn’t ever go to those Mexican clinics myself were I in his position.

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With respect to your position and having to deal with his finality, a modicum of empathy should suggest to you that the struggle is that much more real for him. He's getting his hope where he needs to get it. It's not your place to dictate where he draws his optimism from or whether / how he comes to grips with his mortality.

 

I'm not as cynical as others when it comes to pharma. I can't say I'd put much stake in his experimental treatment. But it's not my life. And I pray to the God I don't even believe in that were I in his position, those closest to me would afford me the absolute bare minimum respect it takes to allow me to cope as I need to.

 

Get therapy for yourself if you find yourself struggling to the point you'd catch yourself imposing on him. Again, it's plenty understandable. Best of luck to him, you, and the rest of your family.

 

Okay, I agree with you ultimately, and it’s clear from your response that you see my stance as a selfish one, which I guess it is. I want my Dad to live longer. But not if he’s suffering obviously.

 

I know it’s his choice, and I really do empathize with what he’s going through. I’m not trying to impose some scientific/medical dogma on him, and I rarely bring it up with him. But it is really hard to see him making choices that I perceive to be foolish, and throwing so much of his life savings into it.

I want to respect his ways of coping but it’s just hard to sit by and watch it happen, I just have this natural instinct to try and save him from wasting his money and don’t want him to have false hope, and be taken advantage of by these expensive clinics.

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I am sorry for what you are dealing with . Please don’t add grief to your dad’s ending. I know that we want to see people do what we feel is good for them. Let his passing be his way . Just love him and make memories . Trying to push your way won’t do that .

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I agree with all of the above. As hard as it is, sometimes we have to step back and let those we love make their own choices.

 

I can relate to what you're going through. Right now my dad is in full heart failure (no cure). One valve working at only 30%. Specialists have advised urgent surgery. He refuses and says he has had enough of doctors, treatment and surgeries. He is just tired of it all. My mom is desperate for him to do as the doctors advise, she asks my sister and I to talk to him. We tried once and he is adamant he is done. We (my sister and I) are respecting his wishes, as hard as it is seeing him steadily deteriorate before our eyes on a daily basis. My mom however is still trying to convince him to change his mind. No matter what we say, she is not giving up.

 

My uncle had cancer and flatly refused any kind of treatment. All of his children protested and try to make him go for chemotherapy treatment etc. He refused. He died within that year. Two years later his wife also had cancer and also refused treatment. No matter who protested, they chose to go the no treatment route.

 

I think it is best to respect your father's wishes and let him make his own choices. I wish you well.

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My dad has been on dialysis for almost 3 years. He has had 5 heart attacks, 2 open heart surgeries and 10 strokes. He is on borrowed time. He wants almost no relationship with me due to his severe mental health. I have NO chance to make memories with my dad. Make some with your dad and be happy for the opportunity.

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I'm very very sorry and my heart goes out to him and to you.

It wasn't that long ago that my mom was going through a similar situation.

 

I did go into therapy and I highly recommend it. I was able to talk with a therapist about all those things that are just so hard to get ones head around. And talk about my feelings. I did a lot of plain old crying there too.

 

My goal was to support my mom with whatever she wanted and needed. I didn't want to have any regrets about how I handled myself so she could navigate something that I can only imagine. None of us know how we will deal with that until we face it ourselves.

 

You obviously love your dad. You think about all your dad has given you in life, and figure out what you'd like to give him as a thank you. As cheesy as it may sound to some, that's kind of how I saw it.. this is a chance for a last thank you and to pour so much love .

 

Thinking of you

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Well, you might be able to dissuade him going to Mexico with cogent arguments. For example, you can Google the names of the Mexican clinics and find out if they're good or bad. You can Google the names of the drugs they are giving him and see if they're effective. His best bet would be with the drugs that are being used in the EU with favorable results. But you can show your concern by doing some research into what he's doing.

 

As to how to handle it, it's very difficult when a parent dies. My father died from small cell lung cancer a few years ago. The average life expectancy was 9 months, it took him 11 months, and that was with all the chemo and radiation doctors recommended. At the end, he admitted he should have just skipped it all because of the pain and suffering and let the illness play out.

 

Your father has a 50%-50% chance of lasting five years with conventional treatment. He might want to try the stem cell treatment that doesn't require chemo. If the Mexican clinics say they're doing this, you should really look into it to make sure that's what they're doing. He should look into getting stem cell treatments in Canada. They use his own stem cells, so you can't beat that. He can also get stem cells in the US, or to save money try clinics in India or Israel.

 

But let me just say that whatever he does, as a child, it's normal to feel helpless. Loss of a parent is a terrible process. All I can suggest is that you take an interest in what he's doing, try to research it so you can debate what he's doing with him, and try to keep a positive attitude with him. Let him know how you feel. Dads usually hide their feelings so let him at least act like it's not affecting him. And just hang in there.

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I have to say that equating choosing unproven, alternative treatments and choosing not to be treated is not acceptable because they are two entirely different kinds of decision making. When one has been sick for a long time, it is reasonable to realize that there is not quality of life in continuing treatment. On the other hand, spending all of one's money on unproven treatment is a rebellion against a system, and is also a legitimate decision, but an entirely different one. These are not the same things.

 

Also, as someone who has had stage III cancer and other life-threatening illnesses, the notion put forth that there is a conspiracy to stop a cure because there is too much money to be made in keeping people sick is completely off base. I am alive and healthy because of breakthroughs made in the last ten years. And I have other friends who not along ago would have died quickly from their illnesses.

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Sorry to hear this. Is your father widowed? Does he live alone? Are you his only child? Yes, therapy would help you with whatever stress and grieving you are trying to cope with.

 

As you know there is no cure for multiple myeloma, just treatment for the concurrent complications which include infections, bone pain, anemia, weakness and other systemic problems, depending on the stage and how aggressive it is. And he obviously has sought out hospitals, doctors, etc for the diagnosis itself as well as the complications such as the bleeding.

 

People have the right to refuse or seek whatever medical treatment they wish. Since his prognosis is poor and frankly would not change much, it's possible these quack treatments he is going to are having some placebo effect, including avoiding traditional evidence based treatments such as chemo, radiation and bone marrow transplants, some of which he may not be a candidate for.

 

You seem to disagree with him about how he spends his money. What if he were "wasting his money" or "throwing his life savings away" on a world tour and disregarding traditionally advised treatments? Would that bother you also?

throwing so much of his life savings into it.

 

I just have this natural instinct to try and save him from wasting his money.

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Should I write him a letter and explain everything that I’m feeling?

 

No - go and see him, suck it up, and be supportive. Don't later regret wasting this time arguing with him.

 

 

Should I leave him alone and try to accept that he’s going to do what he wants?

 

Yes.

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Why not go with him to Mexico and make it a vacation? I assume his treatments are in a big city - maybe near the ocean? Or near enough it’s feasible? Give him experiences with you (seraphim said something to that extent above)

 

This. Thank you. Spending quality time with him really is the most important thing to me.

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Well, you might be able to dissuade him going to Mexico with cogent arguments. For example, you can Google the names of the Mexican clinics and find out if they're good or bad. You can Google the names of the drugs they are giving him and see if they're effective

 

Yes, at first when he started going to Mexico for treatments I did a LOT of research into the clinics and treatments they offer, the specific doctors who’d be treating him etc.

 

I told him my concerns at the beginning, but he was adamant that he try it. So he did. And I shut up and left him alone about it. Occasionally he’d tell me about some really sketchy sounding thing they were doing to him, and I’d look it up and find a lot of information online debunking it...and I’d tell him about it.

 

But he kept going to Mexico and I didn’t want to bug him and stress him about it. On the off chance placebo effects help his immune system, I wanted him to at least have that.

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Also, as someone who has had stage III cancer and other life-threatening illnesses, the notion put forth that there is a conspiracy to stop a cure because there is too much money to be made in keeping people sick is completely off base. I am alive and healthy because of breakthroughs made in the last ten years. And I have other friends who not along ago would have died quickly from their illnesses.

 

I completely agree, and it really makes me angry that people actually think Pharma is seriously concealing a cure for cancer. That’s completely insulting to the many, many people involved in developing these medical breakthroughs.

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My dad is big into conspiracy theories, and alternative therapies, and is refusing to get the recommended treatment for his cancer. He thinks the pharmaceutical companies are suppressing a cancer cure because they make such a profit on chemotherapy drugs, and refuses to listen to the doctors in Canada.

 

This is so frustrating. Pharma companies are not suppressing a cure for cancer. Ultimately, every person in the world has someone close to them who has died of cancer - and to think that hundreds of thousands of scientists and pharma execs have the cure but are hiding it from their loved ones.... it's garbage.

 

I am sorry for what your dad is going through. You can't do much for him, as it's really up to him what care he gets. Sadly, I suspect that he will eventually turn to western medicine but it may be too late. Hang in there. Try to enjoy what time you have together.

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The entire focus of treating terminal cancers is to ease suffering, improve quality of life and in some instances, slow progression of disease and thus lengthen life somewhat.

 

There are curable cancers, cancers that go into remission and may recur and cancers which are recalcitrant to treatment, have a poor prognosis or are too aggressive or late-stage to treat effectively. Keep in mind physicians are scientists, not magicians.

 

Whatever quack treatments he receives in Mexico may make you cringe but for some reason he believes in them and that alone may achieve a placebo effect or give him some sort of hope. Chemo, radiation, surgery, bone marrow transplants etc are not pretty either. It is quite grueling and painful for the suffering patient. Often there is more incentive to go through these painful grueling treatments where there is a better hope for curing it such as breast cancer, many gastrointestinal cancers and many childhood leukemias among others.

 

At this point it would be best to stop confronting him with these or those facts and what a fool he is for going to quacks and instead be better at setting up end of life comfort and care. For example have you looked into hospices? Home care? Why not focus on quality of the end of his life rather than disputing facts about quack vs evidence-based treatments.

 

Also you could suggest helping him with things that give him (not you) comfort such as getting massages, setting up golf games, etc or anything that reduces his stress. It doesn't matter if he's drinking non-GMO, herbal, organic, vegan, gluten free, whatever green muck from a blender or Johnnie Walker Black. What matters is his perception of things and the reduction of his pain and stress and the improvement of his quality of life.

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Sorry to hear this. Is your father widowed? Does he live alone? Are you his only child?

 

No, he and my mom have been married for 40 years. They live together, with my adult paranoid schizophrenic sister, which adds a whole other dimension and set of issues to all this. I live on my own, and I have another younger sister as well. So 3 daughters.

 

You seem to disagree with him about how he spends his money. What if he were "wasting his money" or "throwing his life savings away" on a world tour and disregarding traditionally advised treatments? Would that bother you also?

 

Yes, it would bother me in that hypothetical scenario that he would choose to dismiss treatment and not try to fight his cancer, though I do agree that it would be his right to make that choice of course. If he was really late stage and didn’t have much time left I would agree think traveling and enjoying his time remaining would be worthwhile. I think that would be worthwhile for him to do now!

 

It just makes me sad to see what I perceive to be him being taken advantage of by these clinics that promise a cure and prey on the desperate. He’s worked so hard all his life to earn his money and I just feel he’s being taken for it all.

 

If he finds hope in that, then he has to do what is right for him. It’s just hard to watch.

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What does your mother make of all this? It's sad they have so much on their plate. Hopefully you can be a comfort for both your parents at this time, even if the choice of these unproven treatments goes against your better judgement.

he and my mom have been married for 40 years. They live together, with my adult paranoid schizophrenic sister.
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