How to move on

Sorry posting this here too as feel this may be the better forum

Hey all, I’m online as I have no where else to turn. I’ve pestered my family and friends and have gotten into such despair I’m not on anti depressants.

I’m a 32 year old male, my ex gf ended our two year relationship at the end of August. We were in the process of buying our first house together ( clearly it fell through once we ended )

Since our breakup it’s been one of the most hardest parts of my life I’ve had to endure. I never want to lose her or things to end. Maybe I was blind/naive to signs things weren’t right for a while. She seemed to lose interest in hanging out with me as much, started to have issues with what I did or said.

Since the breakup I’ve taken it hard. I didn’t go no contact and we continued to text and talk etc her family went against me and said I wasn’t good for her.

She suffers from aniexty and it doesn’t help when all she has is negative things to say about me.

During the last two months it’s been like a yo-yo. She would tell me to leave her alone. Then the next night message/email me saying she ‘missed me’ ‘loved me’ ‘wanted to fix things’

This has been happening since the break. She reaches out then when I suggest meeting her ‘aniexty’ gets the better of her and she ignores me.

We have met in person a few times. Each time it’s been fine, no arguing etc and stupidly I slept with her. Big mistake I know.

Anyhow come the other weekend she question me in person if I had been speaking or seeing anyone since our break up. I haven’t and told her so. Asked her the same and got told no.

The next night a friend sent me screen shots of her being on bumble, loads of pics and clearly saying ‘looking to meet someone and see where it goes’

This was soul destroying for me. Everyone has been saying she’s been treating me like a door mat. Just stringing me along until she finds someone new. That I should of ignored her a very long time ago.

I called her out on it, she said she’d hardly been on it and hadn’t met anyone. I was very upset and said some nasty things ‘like she’s a lying ’

Me being me and the soft piece of iam end up ringing her the next day etc and messaging. Surprise I get ignored.

This kind of went on all week. She barely replied and only did with a few word messages.

Last messages I got from her last Saturday she said ‘she wanted to fight for me but was terrified’

I have to say she has been worried things will go back to how they used to be.

To sum it up beginning of the year we went throug a very stressful time with jobs etc, she was away almost alleeek evrryweek. I grew distant from her and she got very insecure. I stopped wanting to do stuff with her and hanging out. We had a breakup of around a month in May.

I lost a family

Member around this time and don’t know if I reached out to my ex as I had just lost someone close to me ?

We got back together to try work things out but from day one she was distant, not the same.

( yes everyone else said why get a house but we thought we had sorted our problems out )

Anyhow fast forward to last weekend. After getting those messages. By this point I’ve been dragged through hell. I’ve been blocked on Facebook,WhatsApp for weeks now. So I emailed her a long email. Stating how I was being treated was vile. I hadn’t done anything wrong apart from wanting to fix our relationship. That I had reflected and realised things I did wrong.

Though the way I was treated was out of order. I had poured my heart out to her on many occasions ( I never begged though or pleaded)

Yes people will say why didn’t I walk away? When you have an ex you’re total Inlove with still message you and ring you since the break saying they love you etc no one would ignore it.

Anyhow last Monday I was in a bad state. It’s taken it’s toll on my emotions. I lost my job a few weeks ago and for the first time ever I felt suicidal. Like I had no where else to turn. I contacted my doctor as I had never felt like this before. All I can describe is being in a black hole of despair and there being no ladder. Wanting all these feelings and thoughts to stop.

I was put on antidepressants. Referred to a councillor.

Anyhow I reached out when I was out my lowest on Monday to her. Got told we aren’t getting back together. To much has happened. She’s been fine/happy since our split. And that talking to me was getting her anxiety to come back up. Was told to leave her alone and she will speak to me later.

This was Monday morning. Been in no contact since. I haven’t tried to reach out to her. I’m trying to fix my mind and my heart.

It’s hard. If it was a simple breakup from day one I could of handled it. Being pulled and pushed for two months. Being ignored then messaged has just reached boiling point in my head. Picture being in limbo of limbo. Not knowing what to say or do. Every action has a negative reaction.

Yes family and friends say it’s good to not talk to her. Get told it’s out of order how she’s treated me and it’s toxic.

I know I’ve been treated badly.

Whilst we were talking and trying to sort things out since the break up I’ve had the following,

Booked a hotel for a night away and she bailed the last minute.

Booked a week away together yet she cancelled on that too

Told me leave her alone. I did and then reached out to me.

I changed my phone number. Ended up getting loads of emails and I stupidly gave her my new number

When I say she reached out to me I don’t mean one text. After being told to leave her alone the next night I’d have 17 texts, few missed calls and a couple of emails.

I guess I’m on here for support? I know that sounds dumb. But I’m on day 5 of no contact. I’m struggling massively. Especially on weekends.

It feels like it’s finally done and dusted with her. I know I have to accept it’s over but I’m not dealingselll with it. Whether it’s the constant pushing and pulling from her I don’t know.

All the usual thoughts going through my head

‘Is she thinking of me’ ‘does she miss me’ though I know this situation is very different to others.

I can tell myself she seemed undecided/confused for a long time. Having her family say we aren’t right together plays on her mind a lot. She holds everything against me and doesn’t she mature to take responbility.

Now I know NC is a time for me to heal. I’m not doing it to play games. Course I’d love for her to turn up and tell me she loves me. But for so long ‘actions speak louder than words’ and all I’ve gotten from her is words.

Does any one have any advice? Not on how to get her back. But what I can do. I’m trying to keep busy. The tablets basically make me have insomnia so I’m struggling to sleep. I keep playing all our happy memeories over and over. The NC is helping.

Being out of work does not though I’ve been going for interviews etc. Started a gym class up, have yoga soon and also going to be doing some voluntary work.

My self esteem is none existent. I have zero confidence. All because I’m told I’m missed and wanted. Then ignored. And I allowed this to happen....for months. I didn’t stop it as I just wanted to be with her.

Sorry to go on. If anyone reAd this to the end I take my hat off to you. I sound like a crazy person that needs locking up :(

I thought this would be the person I spend the rest of my life with. We were close to buying a house. Spoke about a family. Now this person has vanished and changed beyond all recognition. I feel lost that the person I love so much has turned her back on me :(

Replied in your identical thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555224&p=7064741&viewfull=1#post7064741

Thread already exists, (below).

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555224&p=7064741&viewfull=1#post7064741