Should I ask him to meet up for coffee

About a week ago, I posted about someone I had met up from a trip I had taken out to the East Coast. Since it was a small town and we came from the same city, he took me around and made things easier for me. I did develop some feelings for him and I asked if we could hang out again. His response was that we could meet up for coffee but he wasnt interested in a relationship or anything like that (he didn't say it that way, but I could get the gist of it). He told me to just text him so we can set it up in advance since he likes to plan things ahead of time. Since coming back, we see each other on the chat (actually its a youtube thing) site, and we do small chitchat. I also chat with other people on there so it doesn't matter.

I did talk to my best friend Tim about this and asked him if he thought I could ask the guy out for coffee. Tim thinks it should be ok.

Would you guys do it? We do have each other's contact number.

If I do ask, it won't be for a few weeks since I am busy with work and moving.

Of course it's ok.

But if I read between the line, what comes through is that you are hoping for more than just a friendship.

If you were just looking to have a cup of coffee with a friend I doubt you'd be here asking for advise.

Ask him for coffee.

But don't forget what he said to you about not wanting a relationship

I kinda decided to ask on here because after what I posted on here a few days ago, I wanted to make sure I didn't look stupid for asking him out for a cup of coffee. Thanks for your advice, I will keep it in mind.

Sure you can if your expectations are realistic and you will choose not to get attached. It is your choice and you need to take responsibility for that. I would not ask him out or make it a big deal - make it a small deal and if he is interested in hanging out with you he will respond with enthusiasm. Are you truly so busy for weeks that you can't make a plan for that long? If so I'd ask him around a week in advance -it's just coffee.

Batya33, very true, I need to take responsibility for actions and decisions. As for the asking out, I know he is busy because he mentioned he was going on some work trips in the next few weeks and I don't want to ask to meet up on a weekend. I'd rather do an evening after work .I also have to move out by the end of this month (it's hard packing up an apartment you have lived in for over 10 years).

I know Nov and Dec are busy months for people.

Oh, this is your railfan guy. Of course see if he wants to meet up for coffee when you're in town. Just keep it friendly. Don't get too emotional over him. If he can't meet you, don't take it personally.

Speaking only for myself, I'm not inclined to play friendzies with anyone I'd prefer as a lover. What's in that for me except disappointment every time my magic wand doesn't work to win him over?

One of the most important people to be honest with is ourselves. Pretending that I want a friendship when I really want more doesn't serve my self honesty quotient. So I'd skip that charade and focus on healthier stuff.

Batya33, very true, I need to take responsibility for actions and decisions. As for the asking out, I know he is busy because he mentioned he was going on some work trips in the next few weeks and I don't want to ask to meet up on a weekend. I'd rather do an evening after work .I also have to move out by the end of this month (it's hard packing up an apartment you have lived in for over 10 years).

 

I know Nov and Dec are busy months for people.

I wouldn't do it. For the reasons catfeeder said and also coffee at night - sounds like a date - and it's too open ended.

You've already admitted that you developed feelings for him and are hoping for more. Asking him out for coffee seems like it will only make you hope more for something other than just friendship. But I think he has been very honest with you and told you he is not wanting that.

It's up to you but it does seem like you're knocking on the wrong door hoping for romance and he isn't into it.

You might want to reconsider and save yourself some disappointment.

You've already admitted that you developed feelings for him and are hoping for more. Asking him out for coffee seems like it will only make you hope more for something other than just friendship. But I think he has been very honest with you and told you he is not wanting that.

 

It's up to you but it does seem like you're knocking on the wrong door hoping for romance and he isn't into it.

You might want to reconsider and save yourself some disappointment.

Yep. There are millions of people in the world with whom you can become friends, so why target one who has already hurt your feelings?

Yep. There are millions of people in the world with whom you can become friends, so why target one who has already hurt your feelings?

He didn't hurt my feelings on purpose. It was my fault for assuming stuff. I want that to be clear. I am NOT blaming him.

I honestly am on the fencepost about this, so I may not do anything at all. Im not sure if I want to risk my emotions right now. Thanks all for your advice

I honestly am on the fencepost about this, so I may not do anything at all. Im not sure if I want to risk my emotions right now. Thanks all for your advice

The issue for you is you get overly attached -it's your way, right? So "coffee" is a big risk for you especially because he's told you he's not interested in you romantically so you're adding the challenge part, the fantasy that you get him to change his mind.

He didn't hurt my feelings on purpose. It was my fault for assuming stuff. I want that to be clear. I am NOT blaming him.

It's not about blame, it's about self honesty in making choices that are right for you. Pursuing friendship with someone who's rejected the idea of romance isn't issuing a punishment, it's just self care.

Agreed with the above posters. You would just be putting yourself in a position of wanting but can't have...why do that to yourself?

Get back to either the dating sites or elsewhere and find a man who is on the same page as you.

Agreed with the above posters. You would just be putting yourself in a position of wanting but can't have...why do that to yourself?

 

Get back to either the dating sites or elsewhere and find a man who is on the same page as you.

Sure, and be clear with yourself about what you really want. If you want more friends, change the habit you mentioned earlier of keeping to yourself in your travels. Then you can make real friends without misappropriating any romantic attractions.

If you're only interested in getting to know men with whom you can fixate romantically, then don't fool yourself about that. Be clear with yourself so you won't masquerade your motives behind some veil of platonic generosity. That's messy kid stuff, and it will hurt your heart.

I think what I want in life right now is more friends. I know people like my personality. When I was at that train thing, I actually was able to chat with people and talk to people, and I still chat with them now. For the last few years, I've concentrated mostly on my personal life (trying to get my life together with money, working, taking care of my parents since they are getting old, and just isolating myself). I am very much an introvert. I haven't put myself out there to look for a guy in a few years because that tends to cause issues where I get attached too easily and it blows up in my face.

I'm actually afraid to get involved in a relationship with anybody (hence why I try to push away my emotions), because of my fear of being hurt. I didn't go into this trip hoping to meet someone or anything of that nature, I actually was debating on cancelling the trip at the last minute because I wasn't sure how people would take me out there (since I am not white and I do have a type of disability that is noticeable). Tim actually convinced me to go since he said it would be good for me to broaden my horizons and travel like I used to do.

What kinds of things do you do now to meet people and to be a friend to people?