Insight on Ex-Partners with anxiety and abuse issues

Hello All,

I was with my Ex-Fiancee for a total amount of 5 years. From 18 to 23, we got engaged last year and were supposed to get married a month ago. Everything was lovely until the last month of our engagement. We had a lot of Family issues and both of our mom's in critical condition and also planning a big wedding. The last week, it was like a switch that turned on for her, and all of a sudden she didn't feel comfortable marrying me anymore. We had already paid for everything, the honeymoon was set. Her main issues were that she didn't trust that we were going to be happy because of me possibly forcing her to live with my parents throughout our marriage, also sexually she said she didn't feel like she can satisfy me anymore. (We have never had sex btw, she wanted to wait until marriage)

At first I was mad, confused, and so hurt. She kissed me passionately before she broke up with me and I was so very confused. I felt like she loved me but she was afraid. A month has passed now and I reflected on something I never knew could affect someone so much. Abuse. About into the 3rd year of our relationship she had mentioned to me that she had been sexually abused repeatedly by her Mother's best friend son. Also by a 40 year old man that I still do not know of. I was really concerned when she told me this and wanted to get help immediately. However, she really threatened not to, and told me she would break up with me and hate me forever if I ever tell her family or get help with someone. She said she was over it and moved on, and me being the immature child in love with her, I believed her.

However, now that we are apart and that emotional attachment isn't as strong, that was like a string that connected all the puzzle pieces together. I always found it weird that she took 6 months to tell me that she loves me, it always was weird that even throughout our years being together, she could never express herself that great emotionally. That frustrated me and we had a lot of arguments because of this, because I felt like my basic needs were not being met. She would always tell me she would show me once were married, how much she loved me, because she was not great at expressing herself. I thought of this as just a simple thing I could dismiss. I believed her of course, but now I know that she literally couldn't express herself because of her abuse and her emotions never allowed her to trust fully. I feel so bad that it took me this long to really comprehend all of this, but now it all makes sense and feel a huge sense of relief.

I could not figure out how someone can throw 5 years away by having a switch turn on the last week of our engagement, (Her words not mine btw. Cause of course I asked how long she was thinking about it.) But now, it all makes sense. My question is, has someone with heavy anxiety and abuse issues broke up with someone and later regretted it? What can I do to help? I am doing my best to be understanding and learn as much as I can, but I know ultimately its up to her. She completely cut me off and returned everything I have ever given her, because she knows how to close herself up emotionally because of it. I have encouraged her to get help in a loving way and tried to make her see how deep that issue actually affected our beautiful relationship in a written letter. I could care less about me losing everything in the wedding, I care deeply for this woman to help her become healthy mentally and emotionally and still marry her. But I need someone who has somewhat knows about what I am going through and give me some insight on what I can do to help.

The only person that knows about this is me, and I feel like she doesn't even know how much damage this has caused her and I (her mostly). Please help guys!

Sorry to hear this. Is this an arranged marriage? It's better to call off a wedding than be unhappy. At least she was honest that she couldn't go through with it because of the living arrangements and fear of sex.

Her main issues were that she didn't trust that we were going to be happy because of me possibly forcing her to live with my parents throughout our marriage, also sexually she said she didn't feel like she can satisfy me anymore.

Yeah, it sounds like the idea of marriage is completely freaking her out, and it could be because of the sexual abuse she suffered. When she tells you that you won't be happy with her she means that she won't be happy. And when she says she can't fulfill you sexually, it means the idea of sex might be totally repugnant to her. She's also not too crazy about living with your parents either. (Are you in India?)

It also doesn't help that you've been complaining your "needs" aren't being met and that for 5 years she never expressed herself emotionally. Did you really think that was going to change? Especially after 5 years of arguments about it?

Look, you're not throwing away 5 years, you've been in denial for 5 years. This girl has some serious emotional problems and forcing her into a marriage will probably lead to a complete breakdown. You need to cancel the wedding and get back any money you can. There are other women out there,, and you should leave her alone and go out and find someone nice to be with.

My guess is that she never really wanted to get married but decided to ignore her feelings about it in order to please you and your families. People who really want to get married in the first place don't decide at the last minute not to.

You are trying to understand why she made the decision she did... at the end of the day, only she really knows why. Sexual abuse is trauma that never goes away... people learn to live with it but that stuff never leaves you. I still flinch when people come up behind me and touch my back or my neck.

She will regret it I am sure, that doesn't mean she will change her mind. Even if she does... it sounds like you are not compatible in that you don't really understand or want to deal with her issues that come from her past.

Might be best to just work on letting it go, getting through the pain, and starting fresh.

She gave you her reasons. I'd respect her by respecting those, and focus on your own healing.

She's been holding back the entire time you've been together and promising you things would be different after you were married.

I know you started dating young, but you did you really before she'd suddenly transform into someone emotionally and physically present after you were married?

I am sorry this happened to you, but there is a valuable lesson here. Don't ever wait for someone to change.

Accept them exactly as they are, standing in front of you.

I can see where you might have tripped up respecting her wish to wait until you two were married to have sex.

But from what you describe there were other clues going on.

She apparently realized her time was up and she would have to keep her promises and in the end, this is who she is.

You can't help her. She needs to help herself and she has a very long road ahead of her.

Respect her wishes and move on.

Thank you all for the advice. I never pressured her to live with my parents nor would I ever force her to. My mom just stayed at our apartment for 2 days and although she was very understanding her mom told her how that wasn’t right and how it was a sign that I would literally force her off the bed and make her sleep in the sofa while my moms sleeps with me in the bed lol. It just triggered her emotionally. I asked for basic things like her being more emotionally expressive, because out of the 5 years she never could meet that basic requirement. I never thought it was because of her abuse that she literally couldn’t do it even if she wanted to. I also exhausted myself so much for her and rarely got reciprocated the same love. Before I didn’t understand, now.. I know why.

Also, I absolutely want to deal with her issues and learn how to help her deal with it now that I know how much it affects a person. She had told me she moved on from that experience but she never wanted help for it. I absolutely want to make it work and help her with her issues. I’ve been doing my best to understand how she feels even though I know I never could

But I agree with you all. I think the best thing to do is give her space and move on. I did write her a letter indicating how that was the root cause of most of our problems and that I’m here for her. But she has to do that on her own. I also have to heal as much as I want to help her, I have to help myself too.

Unfortunately it sounds like there were many conflicts, from families to sexual compatibility to emotional compatibility. Sadly her going along with the engagement, but never really being on board with things sounds like she never loved you. Perhaps she thought she could grow to love you, but then realized she was living a lie.

Sadly, she warned you that if you don't stop trying to "fix" her, she'll end it...and she did. Sending her a letter blaming her for all the relationship problems because of "her issues" and further stating that you want to "help her" will just confirm to her she made the right choice ending things.

I was really concerned when she told me this and wanted to get help immediately. However, she really threatened not to, and told me she would break up with me and hate me forever if I ever tell her family or get help with someone.

But I agree with you all. I think the best thing to do is give her space and move on. I did write her a letter indicating how that was the root cause of most of our problems and that I’m here for her. But she has to do that on her own. I also have to heal as much as I want to help her, I have to help myself too.

Whether or not it's the root of the cause, it's rarely helpful to place the entire blame on one person. You have played your part in this as well and it would be helpful if you were to acknowledge it. Whether it's being codependent, controlling or an enabler. It takes two.

You did her no service by blaming her.

I do take blame. I blame myself for a lot. And I never tried to fix her. It was just the one instance where I urged her to seek help one time and that was it. I never brought it up after that.

She most likely did not or will not respond well to your letter referring to her past. Or if you suggested she should seek help.

It's not your place to bring up this very hurtful topic.

I do take blame. I blame myself for a lot. And I never tried to fix her. It was just the one instance where I urged her to seek help one time and that was it. I never brought it up after that.

If she wasn't giving you what you emotionally needed in a relationship, then being engaged to be married did not serve you either. its unrealistic to expect the other person to share their every thought, but if you felt that she was a total cypher, then i am not understanding what the attraction was here. It was actually a very brave thing she did - to stop the wedding instead of just going along with everything and having a terrible marriage. There are people that do therapy after marriage and heal on their own terms, but then they come out a different person and not the person you married, nor the person that you thought they would improve into being.