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Thread: Non monogamous and shall I just pull the plug and why ?

  1. #1
    Member shademan's Avatar
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    Non monogamous and shall I just pull the plug and why ?

    This is not going to be a rant as I have already had my share of ranting offline, this is more of a unanimous decision from the unbiased online audience, while this maybe subjective but I will just try to keep it short and simple

    I have been "seeing" this girl for a good 5 months now and in the beginning it was all very casual, I didn't have any hopes or wasn't even seeking anything but things started to develop, that's how usually things happen to me -- you don't expect it or want it but eventually it does happen and I fell for her

    While she stated in the beginning she is a free spirit and doesn't believe in monogamy and wants to keep our relationship open, I first didn't have a problem with that as I didn't see myself developing any sort of feelings but now after many dates and "fill in the blanks" I am able to safely say that I can no longer feel as neutral as I was in the begining

    I am not going to lie, I am not the person to commit to anything or anyone and I think the fact that I just feel that there is a slight chance the girl I am with might find interest in another guy or girl -- the answer is "yes"


    However things changed and I did develop feelings but I am now in that phase where I am acting, although I have to mention that at some point I did break up with her but decided to go back and try again but I still feel like some part of me is dead and struggling because of the fight between what I want and what I should do


    So the question remains shall I just pull the plug or just keep it going and I know, also I am inclined to pull the plug but if I am hopeful or think that maybe another angle/pov might give me a different perspective on how to approach this challenge

  2. #2
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    If you want a monogamous relationship with her and she does not want a monogamous relationship with you... to me, this is a fundamental incompatibility in the vision and future of the relationship that cannot be resolved.

    If you stay, you are just going to hurt yourself anytime she is non-monogamous. You’ll probably (unintentionally) try to manipulate her or try to change her into wanting monogamy. I don’t think this is something you can talk yourself into being ok with.

    If you stay, she is going to feel pressure. She will feel your pain every time she wants to be non-monogamous and feel guilty for something that she’s always been open and straightforward about.

    You want different things. There are no compromises on that, IMO.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Have you discussed this with her since the original non-monogamy talk?

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    What is there to approach, exactly?

    She doesn't believe in monogamy. You do. This is basic incompatibility which isn't conducive to your goal of a monogamous relationship, which I gather is what you ultimately want.

    Are you hoping that one of you will change your mind about your stance on monogamy?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If someone wants to date you non exclusively, use protection and date others as well. Or end it and find someone more mature and appropriate.
    Originally Posted by shademan
    While she stated in the beginning she is a free spirit and doesn't believe in monogamy and wants to keep our relationship open.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by shademan

    While she stated in the beginning she is a free spirit and doesn't believe in monogamy and wants to keep our relationship open, I first didn't have a problem with that as I didn't see myself developing any sort of feelings but now after many dates and "fill in the blanks" I am able to safely say that I can no longer feel as neutral as I was in the beginning.

    I am not going to lie, I am not the person to commit to anything or anyone and I think the fact that I just feel that there is a slight chance the girl I am with might find interest in another guy or girl -- the answer is "yes"
    Since you fully admit you're not the guy to commit to anything either, what's the probelm?

    Is it that she doesn't want to commit, and isn't falling all over you pushing for more that's bothering you?

    The fact she's s bit elusive and you don't have the 'upper hand' is throwing you off balance and causing you to "fill in the blanks."

    My advice is to start being honest with yourself.

    Figure out what you want taking your ego out of it.

    Given what you posted, can almost guaranty that if she wanted more, like an exclusive relationship, she would be the one filling in the blanks.

    Frankly it sounds like you've met your match!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by shademan
    I am not going to lie, I am not the person to commit to anything or anyone
    Sounds like you want what you can't have. Chances are that if she was interested in you, you would be the one feeding her crap about being "a free spirit" who "doesn't believe in monogamy" and wants to keep your relationship open. Imo, this is your ego talking. Plus, if you are a commitment-phobe, and it sounds like you are, you are probably drawn to her because the chances of this becoming a stable relationship are slim, so your "freedom" is not really "threatened". I agree with the post that advised you that you first need to clarify within you what YOU really want.

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    I don't understand why you would go back! Nothing has changed.

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    Can't you just enjoy dating this girl? You're already getting possessive and jealous of guys she MIGHT meet? You know, I've never had the "exclusivity" talk with anyone I dated. They either wanted to go out with me, or they didn't. If a girl is happy with you, they won't have time to date someone else. Are you that insecure that you need a promise that a girl won't date someone else? Maybe you should think about what kind of boyfriend you are that you even need to talk about this.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Since you're not the commitment type yourself than I suggest you read up on polyamory and in particular, "compersion." It's not unusual for people who are not monogamous to become jealous regarding their sex partner being with others. You either learn of compersion and learn to accept the energy that is jealousy or you break up with her and find someone who, like you, isn't the commitment type but will at least agree to sexual exclusivity.

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