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Thread: Should I let this soulmate go?

  1. #1
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    Should I let this soulmate go?

    On July 2017 I met a guy at a 4 day festival , we hit it off the second we met, sparks flew, the connection was crazy familiar, we felt like we met each other before and questioned why we got along so well so instantly? it was weird. We went on 2 more dates, hooked up each time, it was always so intense when we met up however the timing was off... he was going through a form of depression and a quarter life crisis therefore felt as if he wasn't ready for an actual relationship. So we broke contact off in October 2017.

    Fast forward to June 2018 we reconnected.. we arranged to meet up and I didn't know what to expect after 8 months. Things were more intense than ever, we opened up, we made out that was it. However this time around I actually knew I couldn't get into a serious commitment with anyone as I will be travelling in January for 6 months.. but I still was open to the idea of giving us a chance but it was still the same story.. after the second meet up he told me that he still isn't prioritising a relationship right now as he still feels so overwhelmed with life, he doesn't have a job and is figuring his out, and says he really doesn't want to hurt me if spending time with each other is going to do so, I too say that I can't be in a relationship but we both admit we have feelings for each other, however I thought I was capable of anything casual , turns out I am not. This time around we only have s*x once. I wasn't being honest with my soul, truth is I'm not capable of being anything casual with anyone I have a strong spiritual, emotional, physical and mental connection with. I was lying to myself , I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm a woman after all, its so much easier for a man to detach.

    Anyways so,

    he starts to distance himself from me in fear that I am getting too attached and him hurting me. We have a conversation and he says maybe we shouldn't hook up anymore if it is going to hurt me and says he doesn't understand because I said I don't want a relationship but to him my actions show otherwise.
    I was getting frustrated because he literally ignored me for 2 weeks and so when we spoke I was so pissed off at him, i understand he is forgetful and is the woooorst texter in the world (like he genuinely is even his friends says so) but come on like seriously?! i found it so disrespectful that he would just ignore me like that and yet like my photos on instagram and watch my stories.. like I know he's forgetful but no excuses.. it was only when after 3 weeks he called me and I was pissed off because I mean I know we arent actually dating.. but really? a lot of guys i asked said " yeah but you did say you didn't want a relationship so you can't reeeeally be pissed off at him" and maybe they were right. However what upsets me is that I would never treat him like that ever - if it was the other way round.

    so we have the talk cool, he asks if we can meet up the next day and cancels the last minute because of bowel problems... fair enough. Two days later i message him asking if he would like to meet up... no response... ever.

    I decide to move on, I realise that maybe I was coming off too needy which I was, side note: one thing about me that I've realised is that when it comes to guys i date, I start compromising myself, my values, i become too needy and nice, i avoid confrontation and develop pleasing tendencies. Dating this guy really did drill something in me and it was to learn to love myself, to have self respect and boundaries, my younger sister is so much better at that than me, we are complete opposites, she's very confronting and says it how it is. I'm learning hey.

    A month later my sister calls him (just to ask about college advice as she wants to go into his field) they talk then he asks about me.. they talk about me and he says I am a very special person in his life but he felt like he was hurting me the longer we kept engaging. He also felt like I kept apologising for things I didn't need to apologise for and I was compromising too much of myself thats why it was best for him to distance himself from me. He says he wants to speak with me at some point.
    After hearing this from my sister I call him a week later, we speak for 10 minutes about casual things then has to go because his mum is calling him and says he will call me back... I fall asleep, he calls me, I miss his call, I call him the next day he doesn't pick up. He never calls me again.

    I'm moving on, open to dating other people, went on dates, haven't really met anyone i like but thats fine my goals are my priority, my friends, my family. I still thought about him a lot but kind of accepted we will never talk again. it's fine.

    NOW THIS, November 13th I receive a call from a random number at 11am... It was him. 2 months after no conversation. I tell him I'm busy at the gym and ill call later , we talk for 10 minutes before i go into work , he asked if we are still friends and i tell him we are nothing more than "acquaintance" (sorry guys, but do you really believe you can be "friends" with someone you have a strong romantic connection with and harbour feelings for? serious question) we talk again that night for the next 3 hours about everything under the sun.

    He explains to me why he distanced himself and how it was for my own benefit and he knew what he was doing as messed up as it sounds, I tell him
    "Well Thank You but you are not my Teacher" I must say I did learn a lot and he has helped me grow immensely but I wont give him an excuse for his actions. Anyways, It was a good convo and says he wants to see me before I go away. I do plan on meeting him once.

    My question is that... should this time be the last time ever? shall i cut him off everything? We have the most intense connection and he knows it too. Even his mum likes me however I'm starting to feel as if... he benefits more from this connection than I ever do. He talks to me about deep spiritual stuff that none of his friends understands as they aren't into these things which I guess he likes about me...I'm happy when we talk but I hate this "talk once in a blue moon" kind of thing. He is like this with his friends too. He is an introvert. I can't deal with it because If I feel a STRONG connection to people even as friends, I want to talk to them often, I love seeing my friends often, I'm an "often" kind of girl. I want to know how my friends are doing. He isn't like that. at all. It's not fair on me that he gets to pick and choose when he wants to see me, I understand he has his guards up because he's protecting himself romantically and emotionally, but really? I feel like when I meet him I will tell him all of this and how I feel and how maybe it is best that we just cut everything off.. for our own sake.

    Thank you for reading I appreciate it :) xxx

    me: age 22, cancer, been in one relationship, single for 3 years
    him: 25, gemini, been in 3 relationships, single for 1 year half (his last relationship was 6 months)

  2. #2
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    I think this deep, crazy connection you feel isn't mutual, OP.

    Yes, you get along well when you do spend time together, but he's not as interested as you are. If I could tell my 22-year-old self something, it would be that interested guys act interested. And also that when I need to justify to myself why they are distant, there's a problem and it ain't worth sticking around this long to sort it out. For that reason, I wouldn't bother meeting up with him before you go. It will only confuse you more and give you false hope.

    You would be best to let go of this idea that he's your soulmate. He's not.

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    yeah you are right, I need to listen to his actions not his words, he can tell me I'm special, my energy is "amazing" all this kind of crap but his words doesn't match his actions. I'm learning to not be so stupid. still am. However the ultimate reason why I want to meet up with him is because I want to say all of this to his face, he needs to understand that he has crossed my boundaries and he can't just think it's ok. I don't like idea of leaving things unspoken.. you are so right though the minute we have to justify another mans actions, its a problem! but thatssss the thing i just want to say all of this to his face, is it really not worth it? :)

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I think this deep, crazy connection you feel isn't mutual, OP.

    Yes, you get along well when you do spend time together, but he's not as interested as you are. If I could tell my 22-year-old self something, it would be that interested guys act interested. And also that when I need to justify to myself why they are distant, there's a problem and it ain't worth sticking around this long to sort it out. For that reason, I wouldn't bother meeting up with him before you go. It will only confuse you more and give you false hope.

    You would be best to let go of this idea that he's your soulmate. He's not.
    yeah you are right, I need to listen to his actions not his words, he can tell me I'm special, my energy is "amazing" all this kind of crap but his words doesn't match his actions. I'm learning to not be so stupid. still am. However the ultimate reason why I want to meet up with him is because I want to say all of this to his face, he needs to understand that he has crossed my boundaries and he can't just think it's ok. I don't like idea of leaving things unspoken.. you are so right though the minute we have to justify another mans actions, its a problem! but thatssss the thing i just want to say all of this to his face, is it really not worth it? :)

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    also I believe we have many soulmates - i associate soulmate as someone you have a deep spiritual connection with that helps you progress personally :)

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    I wouldn’t rely on labels like the made up “quarter life crisis”. Many people in their 20s question professional decisions for example because it’s during or right after higher education. Or question marriage goals or relationship goals and still function typically and interact etc. if he had or has diagnosed depression and it is untreated that is a different thing. I think this was a fun fling and exciting and you learned casual sex is probably not for you. I’m so sorry you had cancer and I’m glad you are better.
    I think he was never as into you as you were into him and he enjoyed the infatuation and hanging out and hooking up with you and you did too and didn’t insist on a commitment of any kind. Which is fine and means he was entitled to the casual arrangement you agreed to. I wouldn’t play therapist or over analyze. Enjoy the memories and the new self knowledge you gained. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he wanted a fwb situation, but you thought it was a deep committed connection for some reason. Misunderstandings happen. It's best to stop communicating with him so that you can start dating guys who want a relationship with you.
    Originally Posted by Sukiwater29
    We went on 2 more dates, hooked up each time. he was going through a form of depression and a quarter life crisis therefore felt as if he wasn't ready for an actual relationship.

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I wouldn’t rely on labels like the made up “quarter life crisis”. Many people in their 20s question professional decisions for example because it’s during or right after higher education. Or question marriage goals or relationship goals and still function typically and interact etc. if he had or has diagnosed depression and it is untreated that is a different thing. I think this was a fun fling and exciting and you learned casual sex is probably not for you. I’m so sorry you had cancer and I’m glad you are better.
    I think he was never as into you as you were into him and he enjoyed the infatuation and hanging out and hooking up with you and you did too and didn’t insist on a commitment of any kind. Which is fine and means he was entitled to the casual arrangement you agreed to. I wouldn’t play therapist or over analyze. Enjoy the memories and the new self knowledge you gained. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.
    that is true, I didn't ask him if he was actually diagnosed depressed or just feeling depressed for a long period. Yes he wasn't wrong for wanting something casual considering that I did agree to it, I just wasn't honest to myself, I'll learn for next time:) yeah I guess all of these experiences are helping me to get over the hopeless romantic phase, still in it but slowly learning :) I'm just thinking what not to do and to do for when we actually meet up before i go, I definitely will get my point across to him and cut the "friendship" officially.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he wanted a fwb situation, but you thought it was a deep committed connection for some reason. Misunderstandings happen. It's best to stop communicating with him so that you can start dating guys who want a relationship with you.
    It's true. Misunderstandings happen and yeah definitely will stop communicating with him as its time to make energetic space for someone else that actually wants to date me :)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The only thing you have with him is chemistry, which takes zero effort. And you can have chemistry with thousands of people on the planet if you had the chance to meet that many. It's only biology. You have to consider if the person meets all of your main needs. Instead of getting angry and calling out friends or love interests for not putting in the effort you do, you let the relationship fade away if the person isn't responding as you'd like (if your expectations are reasonable).

    Time to start making sure your brain matches your heart when accepting a partner into your life, and whether or not to allow him to stick around. He dumped you once, which means he didn't care enough to work on his problems while putting in the daily effort it takes to have a gf. So within 90 days of meeting you, all of a sudden his depression problems and lack of a job are a problem when they weren't when he was playing kissy face with you? BS. He had the excitement of a little action with a new girl, but when it came time to take it to the next level, he bailed. It's no surprise he repeated the same pattern 8 months later--so predictable.

    His idea of a final meeting with you is for a fun hookup before you leave. Your idea is an emotional dumping of your feelings and analyzing his behavior. He will look at you with a seething contempt or boredom as you deliver your speech. You do not need this closure and you won't receive the response you're hoping for from him. I suggest not wasting any more emotional time and energy on this nowhere man. Believe me, when he's one day ready for a real relationship, the hard reality is it won't be with you.

    Focus on yourself and the adventure you'll be leaving for next month. Until you work on your self worth, you will keep choosing the wrong men, so I'd spend time on reading books and articles on how to improve self esteem for the sake of your romantic future. Take care.

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