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Thread: Is he just not into me after all?

  1. #11
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    I see his behavior as him needing a certain amount of distance in your RL, clearly more than you are comfortable with.

    You say you get the feeling he is trying to avoid you. He very well may be! But that's not necessarily a bad thing, again it goes back to him needing more distance, and you needing more togetherness.

    Neither is bad or "wrong," just different.

    I have found that space needs between couples, the amount of space/togetherness each needs, is one of the major causes of tension and dissention in relationships.

    Again no wrong or right, just different. Something else I have learned over the years, just because a man needs more space/distance than you does NOT mean he loves you any less, or feels less connected than you.

    He just doesn't need to have has much interaction as you. He doesn't require it to maintain his connection to you.

    In fact many men need a certain amount of distance to maintain their connection/attraction to you. Again no wrong or right, just different.

    Since learning this, my relationships have been so much healthier and happier.

    I judge our connection on how well we interact when together, verses when not together, and if I have any advice, it would be that you try and do the same.

  2. #12
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    This is how the relationship was with my ex. I like my space and so does he, so I never spent time dwelling on it. I feel like I can't get a lot done if I need to be texting someone all the time--there are probably one or two people that I wouldn't mind carrying a conversation with over text but otherwise it annoys me. This guy might be similar in his communication style. It's only 6 weeks in and the man has kids to manage, as well. I'm guessing he thinks everything is perfectly fine on his end. When he texts you, you can always mention that you love hearing from him between dates or suggest that he call because you'd love to hear his voice. He might be more receptive to phone calls at the end of the night as opposed to texting (as I am).

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If he already made plans with you, he might well be assuming that you are coming. If you want/need to confirm to feel more secure then do so, just recognize it for what it is - your own insecurities and vulnerabilities eating at you.

    Overall, when it comes to communication in between dates, a light conversation about your needs might well be warranted. No, not anything heavy or needy, just more like "hey I noticed you never text me unless I do first, how come?" You'll get your answer and you can go from there in whichever direction you want in terms of letting him know you need more. Then again, his response to the how come might reassure you enough that you won't need to go further.

    Honestly, I think you are at that stage of a budding relationship where your feelings are engaging, so you are feeling super vulnerable and over thinking things, at the same time, the relationship is kind of normalizing in the sense that if you've been seeing each other every Friday night, it's time to make time for other things too. Just try to chill out a bit and let the relationship develop without totally freaking out.

    Even the whole him coming to your work area, if he won't have time to meet with you, why even bother telling you about it? It's kind of too early for him to start being accountable for his time to you. You also need to be careful about jumping at meeting him any time he is nearby as that can become suffocating. He is coming there to work, not to romance you. Breathe, OP, and keep it together.

  4. #14
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    Re speaking with him about what you need (more texts/calls/interaction between dates), I have a question.

    What would you rather have, him feeling "obligated" to contact/interact with you more to appease you (due to your anxiety or insecurity)?

    Or him contacting/interacting with you from his heart, because he misses you? Even if it's less than what you would prefer?

    Serious question.

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  6. #15
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    Is texting something you're willing to end the relationship over? Is it the hill you're willing to die on so to speak?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Re speaking with him about what you need (more texts/calls/interaction between dates), I have a question.

    What would you rather have, him feeling "obligated" to contact/interact with you more to appease you (due to your anxiety or insecurity)?

    Or him contacting/interacting with you from his heart, because he misses you? Even if it's less than what you would prefer?

    Serious question.
    This is a great point and I had already thought
    of that. I certainly donít want to put him on the spot and make him feel obligated just to make me happy.

    The lack of interaction is not the only thing bothering me, however. I know he still launches the dating site, as it updates his location to where he last opened the app. He did mention to me that he doesnít even use it anymore to talk to anyone, that itís more for entertainment and just looking at profiles. He said he just sort of browsed while on the toilet to pass time. The kicker is when I checked the past few times after he left my house, shows he opened the app when he was with me. Bothers me so much but there is no way for me to even bring it up or ask him because he would know I was watching his profile.

    Logging onto the dating site is one thing- whatever heís truly using it for. But opening it while at my house is another.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I am going to play the devils advocate here....

    I had a relationship exactly like this a year ago. He almost never texted or called, but would respond pretty much right away when I did. We saw each other probably once a week. Both had very busy lives... his even more so than mine because he has young kids and I don't. He was very into me... when we were together in person it was amazing... and then as soon as he left he would pretty much fall off the face of the earth until we saw each other again.

    After about 3 months of being the one to reach out, I brought it up that I would love to hear from him a little more... he stepped up for awhile and then fell back to his former ways. After about 4 months of this we had another conversation at which point he told me he was not ready to commit to the kind of relationship I wanted. He wanted to focus on his kids, his career, writing a book, his hobbies. At the end of the day I couldn't fault him for that... life is for living and he barely knew me... but I had the sneaking feeling all along that he was holding back, and I was right.

    It's entirely possible that you are in a similar situation. The guy seems to really like you and it is only 6 weeks in but if you can sense him holding back... you are probably not wrong. Things may change, but they may not. The only way you will know is if you stop contacting him and allow him the opportunity to reach out to you.

  9. #18
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    I am troubled that he is still looking on the dating site even though he says he is not active. One foot out the door behavior IMO.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Since I had done 2 years of OLD in the past, I remember it was a type of high to open the computer and anticipate who might've messaged--maybe somebody cute. For some people, it's a drug that's hard to pull away from, even when he has met a person with whom he sees longterm potential.

    He told you that he still opens it, and so it's up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. Some would say, if he's worth waiting around for, to wait until at least the four month mark to have another discussion about the matter of totally deleting profiles. Because by this time, emerging from the high of a new relationship, you're a little more clear on whether or not you're compatible in all the major ways and want to move forward or not. It's a good time to be clear on how you like to date, and to see if he's on the same page.

    I know when I was on OLD, if a guy didn't match my dating style, even if I liked him, I ended things.

    I know you'd like a crystal ball to see if he's remaining interested or not, but only time will tell. The only thing you can do is wait for him to make effort, but if the relationship regresses versus progressing, you might want to pull the plug on a dying thing. Take care.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Since I had done 2 years of OLD in the past, I remember it was a type of high to open the computer and anticipate who might've messaged--maybe somebody cute. For some people, it's a drug that's hard to pull away from, even when he has met a person with whom he sees longterm potential.

    He told you that he still opens it, and so it's up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. Some would say, if he's worth waiting around for, to wait until at least the four month mark to have another discussion about the matter of totally deleting profiles. Because by this time, emerging from the high of a new relationship, you're a little more clear on whether or not you're compatible in all the major ways and want to move forward or not. It's a good time to be clear on how you like to date, and to see if he's on the same page.

    I know when I was on OLD, if a guy didn't match my dating style, even if I liked him, I ended things.

    I know you'd like a crystal ball to see if he's remaining interested or not, but only time will tell. The only thing you can do is wait for him to make effort, but if the relationship regresses versus progressing, you might want to pull the plug on a dying thing. Take care.
    For me it was when I was first into it -early 2000s. And then my ex and I got back together (not my husband, a different ex) and a dear friend reminded me that by "checking" i was keeping my options open, still shopping, one foot out the door. My ex and I were not yet exclusive so it wasn't cheating or inappropriate but she was right and I stopped. It's up to the person whether they need to keep the door open to knowing who is interested in them, who is available - and if so I say they are not yet ready to be exclusive.

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