Is he just not into me after all?

I’ve been dating a guy for 6 weeks now. We are both divorced, have children, full time jobs and live 50 miles from each other, yet, we manage to see each other once or twice a week when we don’t have our kids. I have completely fallen for him so now my emotions are involved and I feel hurt when I’m not with him because he just goes MIA.

He was never the next texter, I’d get something maybe every 3 days, but at least when we have plans, I will get a random “good morning beautiful, only two more days :)”. Now, I just don’t get that anymore. What confuses me though, is that when we are on a date, he will already initiate seeing me again and make plans with me. So this leads me to believe he does have some level of interest. And while he can choose to see others closer to him, he puts in the effort to see me. I also visit him and usually these are overnight visits where he would take me to a nice dinner, we would maybe watch a game, talk for hours, etc. And he is extremely affectionate- hold my hand in public, kisses me, caresses me, holds me at night... He’s just amazing.

Last weekend, I finally told him I enjoy him so much I don’t want to see others, and he said the same, that he enjoys his kids, his alone time, and being with me and he’s not looking for anything else as he is extremely content. I also mentioned the dating site we met through and asked if he was still active on it. He said no- even though he is still on it- and said he doesn’t interact or message anyone on there really. He basically just looks. After I opened up, I noticed he did a little too. He started showing me pictures of his parents and extended family. Then upon kissing me goodbye, he invited me to a game this weekend which would be the first time I would be introduced to his friends. Sounds interested right?

Well the problem is that I feel like if I don’t reach out every couple of days, I’ll never really hear from him. I don’t receive any texts to give me any confidence that he’s even into me. If I text him, however, he responds immediately. What’s bothering me now is that a few days ago, I asked him if he wanted to meet for lunch- he’s literally in the suite next to mine about once a week. He said he wished but couldn’t because he was not going to be in the suites that day but would let me know how the week progresses because he knows he will be there towards the end of this week. Well two days ago, I was copied on an email (or companies sort of intertwine), and he mentioned to the guy he was emailing that he would be around tomorrow. Well... looks like he already knows he will be around, so why have I not heard from him? And tomorrow (Friday) will be the first weekend evening I won’t see him. He did not plan anything with me. He did plan something Saturday- the game-, but haven’t heard anything about that either so I’m wondering if that’s even going to happen.

He seems into me when we’re together but I feel like there’s disconnect there when we’re not. Sounds like he’s not interested? I don’t know if it’s even worth bringing it up to him cause it may make me sound needy perhaps? And advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This is the first guy I’ve really liked in years and I’ve fallen for him. It hurts feeling like he’s not feeling the same way.

What do you mean he’s in the suite next to yours? Do you rent workspace or something? That’s the only thing I could think of when you said that.

As for worrying.. don’t. It’s only been SIX WEEKS. Chill out a bit and step back. Pretend you didn’t know he was going to be around. Go out and have fun. You have a date Saturday, so you’ll see him then.

Yes, I work where there are multiple corporate buildings and about once a week, he comes into the building next to mine.

I just keep getting conflicting info that by 6 weeks, of a guy is into me, he’ll show it. But his lack of communication when we’re not together shows he’s not... until he’s with me and continues to plan dates.

More than likely, he's just living his life on the other side of all of this.

You said Y'all both have kids. How old are these kids?

He mentioned to you that he enjoys seeing you, spending time with his kids, and spending time alone. You seemed to have taken that kind of badly when he mentioned he didn't want that to change. Maybe think about that for a second. It is understandable that you'd want more, but it has been 6 weeks. My advice is to live your life separate from his for now. See him when Y'all make time, spend time with your kids, and spend some time alone. When you're dating at a decision hasn't been made to be exclusive, especially in an adult situation where you have a separate life and live far from each other, then you shouldn't allow yourself to be so head over heels right now. Give it some time. If the game doesn't happen, then that's okay. Don't freak out or be upset; just calm down and go out and do something. Being that it is so early, you don't want to attack him with questions about his relationship life. Enjoy your time with him and get to know each other.

You seem like a good person. He is interested in you. If he starts losing that interest and putting you off, then start having conversations with some friends or the dating site you found each other on. My advice is not to dwell on him. My advice is not to bring it up. If you're curious if he will text you if you never text him, then try it, but don't be waiting around by the phone.

You got this. Just remember that your happiness doesn't have to depend on anyone else so think maturely about the possibilities, and live your life to the fullest. It is what you make it.

I often wonder what (feels like the majority of) young people would do in my day when there were no cell phones that kept you attached to your partner at the hip. We heard from one another when we were home from school/work when we hit a land line.

He's showing you that he's interested and is enjoying your company on a regular basis so please don't put so much value on a few words on a screen. If you would like a bit more contact then you initiate until you see him on Saturday and ask him what amount of contact is he comfortable with and if you can't adjust your 'need' to match his a bit more, then you're going to be angsty like this often which will end up ruining your emotional connection to him.

Try and chill and when you have time, ask him to CALL you so you can chat voice to voice for a few minutes. See if he's open to that rather then words on a screen.

So is this all about texting? How old are you both? Because, like ThatwasThen, I didn't have texting when I was dating, and I too would set up my next date at the end of the current date. And I didn't have the option to doing anything more than leaving messages with my girlfriend's parents when I was trying to contact her.

You describe this guy as great, but you're not feeling enough love after 6 weeks because he isn't texting you constantly? Maybe he just doesn't text that well. The older you are, the less you understand about texting. Why don't you just call him if you want to talk to him?

It sounds like it's going well for 6 weeks in. Try not to let old ghosts and insecurities from your divorce or ex revisit this budding relationship. Reflect on the overall quality of the guy, the time and don't let past baggage ruin it. Quality time together seems to be happening, so why fret when he already told you he hates texting?

I’ve been dating a guy for 6 weeks now. We are both divorced, have children, full time jobs and live 50 miles from each other, yet, we manage to see each other once or twice a week when we don’t have our kids.

He was never the next texter.

You said he's not much of a texter...so why are you expecting him to text? Do you gauge your relationships on how frequently someone types words onto a tiny screen? Or on how the person actually interacts with you when you're together?

If texting is that important to you, then maybe dump this guy and find someone who's glued to his phone. Otherwise...how about you enjoy the very early stages of this new relationship?

Sorry I should probably rephrase... I just wish he would reach out first, not necessarily text, maybe a phone call. But I mention text because that seems to be our only form of communication when we’re not together. We’ve never had a phone conversation since our first date when he called me to say he was looking for the restaurant and walking up.

True that the amount of texting may not correlate to a guy’s interest level but it’s almost feeling like he’s avoiding me. For example, as I had explained, our companies sort of intertwine and he is in our buildings about once a week. He was interested in seeing me last week and actually took me to lunch. I asked his this week, knowing he’d be around, if he wanted to grab lunch again and he said he was not going to be in the day I was inquiring about but would let me know as the week progresses. Well here we are, it’s Thursday and me being copied in a string of emails where he is fully aware I’m receiving, he’s emailing to us that he is going to be in tomorrow. Him knowing he’ll be in tomorrow and the fact he hasn’t reached out to me, even just to say he can come by to say hello, seems almost like he’s avoiding me at this point.

And we only have every other weekend to see each other and maybe one day during the week. So he has plenty of alone time. This is the first Friday he hasn’t asked me to do anything. Now I’m not even sure if he will pull through on Saturday.

I personally don’t like when someone texts too much. It gets boring too quickly. For example this guy I was just messaging on an online dating site wanted to text... so I gave him my number, and he kept texting for a couple hours this morning... finally I said, listen, “I’m really busy at work” (I said it in a nice way.) Like, I got stuff to do and you don’t even know me. In other words OP, calm down. Leave a little mystery. Let him have his own life and don’t bother him, like this guy was doing to me earlier, lol. :-). Go do something. Remember, you didn’t even know him a month and a half ago.

I see his behavior as him needing a certain amount of distance in your RL, clearly more than you are comfortable with.

You say you get the feeling he is trying to avoid you. He very well may be! But that's not necessarily a bad thing, again it goes back to him needing more distance, and you needing more togetherness.

Neither is bad or "wrong," just different.

I have found that space needs between couples, the amount of space/togetherness each needs, is one of the major causes of tension and dissention in relationships.

Again no wrong or right, just different. Something else I have learned over the years, just because a man needs more space/distance than you does NOT mean he loves you any less, or feels less connected than you.

He just doesn't need to have has much interaction as you. He doesn't require it to maintain his connection to you.

In fact many men need a certain amount of distance to maintain their connection/attraction to you. Again no wrong or right, just different.

Since learning this, my relationships have been so much healthier and happier.

I judge our connection on how well we interact when together, verses when not together, and if I have any advice, it would be that you try and do the same.

This is how the relationship was with my ex. I like my space and so does he, so I never spent time dwelling on it. I feel like I can't get a lot done if I need to be texting someone all the time--there are probably one or two people that I wouldn't mind carrying a conversation with over text but otherwise it annoys me. This guy might be similar in his communication style. It's only 6 weeks in and the man has kids to manage, as well. I'm guessing he thinks everything is perfectly fine on his end. When he texts you, you can always mention that you love hearing from him between dates or suggest that he call because you'd love to hear his voice. He might be more receptive to phone calls at the end of the night as opposed to texting (as I am).

If he already made plans with you, he might well be assuming that you are coming. If you want/need to confirm to feel more secure then do so, just recognize it for what it is - your own insecurities and vulnerabilities eating at you.

Overall, when it comes to communication in between dates, a light conversation about your needs might well be warranted. No, not anything heavy or needy, just more like "hey I noticed you never text me unless I do first, how come?" You'll get your answer and you can go from there in whichever direction you want in terms of letting him know you need more. Then again, his response to the how come might reassure you enough that you won't need to go further.

Honestly, I think you are at that stage of a budding relationship where your feelings are engaging, so you are feeling super vulnerable and over thinking things, at the same time, the relationship is kind of normalizing in the sense that if you've been seeing each other every Friday night, it's time to make time for other things too. Just try to chill out a bit and let the relationship develop without totally freaking out.

Even the whole him coming to your work area, if he won't have time to meet with you, why even bother telling you about it? It's kind of too early for him to start being accountable for his time to you. You also need to be careful about jumping at meeting him any time he is nearby as that can become suffocating. He is coming there to work, not to romance you. Breathe, OP, and keep it together.

Re speaking with him about what you need (more texts/calls/interaction between dates), I have a question.

What would you rather have, him feeling "obligated" to contact/interact with you more to appease you (due to your anxiety or insecurity)?

Or him contacting/interacting with you from his heart, because he misses you? Even if it's less than what you would prefer?

Serious question.

Is texting something you're willing to end the relationship over? Is it the hill you're willing to die on so to speak?

Re speaking with him about what you need (more texts/calls/interaction between dates), I have a question.

 

What would you rather have, him feeling "obligated" to contact/interact with you more to appease you (due to your anxiety or insecurity)?

 

Or him contacting/interacting with you from his heart, because he misses you? Even if it's less than what you would prefer?

 

Serious question.

This is a great point and I had already thought

of that. I certainly don’t want to put him on the spot and make him feel obligated just to make me happy.

The lack of interaction is not the only thing bothering me, however. I know he still launches the dating site, as it updates his location to where he last opened the app. He did mention to me that he doesn’t even use it anymore to talk to anyone, that it’s more for entertainment and just looking at profiles. He said he just sort of browsed while on the toilet to pass time. The kicker is when I checked the past few times after he left my house, shows he opened the app when he was with me. Bothers me so much but there is no way for me to even bring it up or ask him because he would know I was watching his profile.

Logging onto the dating site is one thing- whatever he’s truly using it for. But opening it while at my house is another.

I am going to play the devils advocate here....

I had a relationship exactly like this a year ago. He almost never texted or called, but would respond pretty much right away when I did. We saw each other probably once a week. Both had very busy lives... his even more so than mine because he has young kids and I don't. He was very into me... when we were together in person it was amazing... and then as soon as he left he would pretty much fall off the face of the earth until we saw each other again.

After about 3 months of being the one to reach out, I brought it up that I would love to hear from him a little more... he stepped up for awhile and then fell back to his former ways. After about 4 months of this we had another conversation at which point he told me he was not ready to commit to the kind of relationship I wanted. He wanted to focus on his kids, his career, writing a book, his hobbies. At the end of the day I couldn't fault him for that... life is for living and he barely knew me... but I had the sneaking feeling all along that he was holding back, and I was right.

It's entirely possible that you are in a similar situation. The guy seems to really like you and it is only 6 weeks in but if you can sense him holding back... you are probably not wrong. Things may change, but they may not. The only way you will know is if you stop contacting him and allow him the opportunity to reach out to you.

I am troubled that he is still looking on the dating site even though he says he is not active. One foot out the door behavior IMO.

Since I had done 2 years of OLD in the past, I remember it was a type of high to open the computer and anticipate who might've messaged--maybe somebody cute. For some people, it's a drug that's hard to pull away from, even when he has met a person with whom he sees longterm potential.

He told you that he still opens it, and so it's up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. Some would say, if he's worth waiting around for, to wait until at least the four month mark to have another discussion about the matter of totally deleting profiles. Because by this time, emerging from the high of a new relationship, you're a little more clear on whether or not you're compatible in all the major ways and want to move forward or not. It's a good time to be clear on how you like to date, and to see if he's on the same page.

I know when I was on OLD, if a guy didn't match my dating style, even if I liked him, I ended things.

I know you'd like a crystal ball to see if he's remaining interested or not, but only time will tell. The only thing you can do is wait for him to make effort, but if the relationship regresses versus progressing, you might want to pull the plug on a dying thing. Take care.

Since I had done 2 years of OLD in the past, I remember it was a type of high to open the computer and anticipate who might've messaged--maybe somebody cute. For some people, it's a drug that's hard to pull away from, even when he has met a person with whom he sees longterm potential.

 

He told you that he still opens it, and so it's up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. Some would say, if he's worth waiting around for, to wait until at least the four month mark to have another discussion about the matter of totally deleting profiles. Because by this time, emerging from the high of a new relationship, you're a little more clear on whether or not you're compatible in all the major ways and want to move forward or not. It's a good time to be clear on how you like to date, and to see if he's on the same page.

 

I know when I was on OLD, if a guy didn't match my dating style, even if I liked him, I ended things.

 

I know you'd like a crystal ball to see if he's remaining interested or not, but only time will tell. The only thing you can do is wait for him to make effort, but if the relationship regresses versus progressing, you might want to pull the plug on a dying thing. Take care.

For me it was when I was first into it -early 2000s. And then my ex and I got back together (not my husband, a different ex) and a dear friend reminded me that by "checking" i was keeping my options open, still shopping, one foot out the door. My ex and I were not yet exclusive so it wasn't cheating or inappropriate but she was right and I stopped. It's up to the person whether they need to keep the door open to knowing who is interested in them, who is available - and if so I say they are not yet ready to be exclusive.

How many times have u seen him in person? You're getting way too expectant and sorta needy. If you only see him once a week that's only like 6 or 7 dates? Chill.

And stop checking his location constantly...That's so unnecessary f.

How many times have u seen him in person? You're getting way too expectant and sorta needy. If you only see him once a week that's only like 6 or 7 dates? Chill.

 

And stop checking his location constantly...That's so unnecessary f.

Yes, only about 8 times... all overnight visits except for one.

So you slept with him straight away? I think if you are the type to attach after sex, you prob should have slowed down on that. 8 dates and 6 weeks is barely anything, he's acting pretty normal imo.

So you slept with him straight away? I think if you are the type to attach after sex, you prob should have slowed down on that. 8 dates and 6 weeks is barely anything, he's acting pretty normal imo.

Yes, I did make that mistake of sleeping gnwirh him straight away. I have only wanted casual relationships so this sort of thing never affected me me. And I went into this expecting the same thing. Bit with this guy, I fell for him unexpectedly so I’m feeling a bit vulnerable at this point unfortunately.

Sorry about all of the errors. I’m on my mobile and autocorrect is not helping me much here.

Thank you all. I think I’m just really having a hard time because I know he will be around tomorrow but I haven’t heard anything from him at all today.

Now I do have some clarity that perhaps he just doesn’t want to mix business with pleasure but at the same time, he did ask me to lunch last week when he was around. I haven’t heard a peep from him today and I know he doesn’t have his kids tonight. Maybe he’s enjoying his alone time, maybe he’s on a date with someone else. My mind is wandering and I’m not feeling good about this. I just feel like he would’ve at least reached out by now.

I’m a bit sad knowing we have no plans on a Friday we have free- for the first time since we met. My anxiety is kicking in that maybe he met someone else and may be meeting her, and still wondering if our plans are still on for Saturday. It’s a bad feeling, I’m not liking it too much. Just venting at this point. I’m having a hard time with this but I guess I’ll hold back and leave him alone from now on.