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Thread: Iím in a crisis, not sure if I should stay in this marriage

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    The pain of my Crohn's has literally made me sweat buckets at times, and I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Add to that his other illnesses... his unhappiness and frustration is understandable.

    It's difficult for someone that doesn't have a chronic illness to understand what it's like. I am very lucky to be in remission but I still get flare ups, and have some major food intolerances that make me a pain in the arse to socialize with if the activity revolves around food. I get very anxious about my situation at times and it can come across as being impatient, intolerant or anti-social.

    That all being said... no matter what his deal is, whether it's a mental or physical illness, it's not an excuse to be emotionally abusive. Calling you names, judging and criticizing you, is hurtful and unnecessary. And... you can't fix him. No matter how far backwards you bend or how much of a pretzel you turn yourself into, you will never be able to change him or make him happy... his happiness is his responsibility. You can however set a boundary and tell him he needs to step up and participate in the change if he wants to continue the relationship. This is not all on you, and it takes two people to make a relationship work.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Would you feel guilty if your husband couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair? Would you think it was your fault? Would you feel guilty if he couldn't do something but encouraged you to do it?
    Probably.

    The counselor was very helpful. After the session I felt very vulnerable but ultimately good, and optimistic. I really liked her and her style so I'm going to stick with her. I'm going back in 2 weeks - I wanted some time to work on what we talked about in that first session, and see how it plays out.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If any partner were to call me an idiot or moron, all else would be irrelevant. It would sum up all I'd need to know, and I'd thank him for simplifying my decision for me.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    If any partner were to call me an idiot or moron, all else would be irrelevant. It would sum up all I'd need to know, and I'd thank him for simplifying my decision for me.
    If I did something that was 12 on the scale of one to 10 of things that were very idiotic and a guy called me an idiot, I'd call him out on it. In a conversation later on, I'd talk about how it makes me feel and why i won't accept it in the future. If he says it again - then that's different. There are people who grow up with it liberally sprinkled in conversation and its a part of the way their family talked. Some people don't realize it comes out. I would not walk out the door if it was said once in a marriage -- but if after a conversation there was no change and no self awareness, thats different. If a date said it -- yup, i'd be gone.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If I did something that was 12 on the scale of one to 10 of things that were very idiotic and a guy called me an idiot, I'd call him out on it. In a conversation later on, I'd talk about how it makes me feel and why i won't accept it in the future. If he says it again - then that's different. There are people who grow up with it liberally sprinkled in conversation and its a part of the way their family talked. Some people don't realize it comes out. I would not walk out the door if it was said once in a marriage -- but if after a conversation there was no change and no self awareness, thats different. If a date said it -- yup, i'd be gone.
    Yes, I wanted to thank you for posting this. Context and timing matters. And each couple is different in what their boundaries are as far as personal insults. Sure, couples who are not into S&M probably all agree that physically smacking someone is a dealbreaker (well again it depends -is the smack because the person is histrionic and the other wants them somehow to calm down) -but labeling personal insults as emotional abuse or a dealbreaker no matter what is too extreme IMO. There are times I really would have understood if my partner called me an idiot or a moron (no, he didn't -and yes he's probably described behavior of mine as "idiotic" and I'm sure I've called his behavior "jerky" ) because I knew I'd behaved like one. And again it depends on your personal boundaries so in the OP's case I'd need to know more. And yes most couples have terms that they will not tolerate that others might - and sometimes it's not obvious and needs to be communicated.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rihannon
    Is it verbally abusive if you're in an argument and he says "You're a moron!"
    yes.
    What concerns me more is you are here asking if it's ok that your husband calls you a moron or stupid.

    Your last list `I am guilty' is very telling
    You've become the human sponge for all that is wrong with him and your marriage.

    I could go on and on but there is sooo much to cover based on what you just wrote and not enough space here.
    I will end this with I wish you the best in therapy and please take with you what you just shared with us.

    I was you once. Different set of circumstances but living in an estranged marriage where I became and allowed myself to be the dumping ground for everything that was toxic in it.

    You are piling all of this on yourself because you have learned that you have no control over his behaviors, so if you can make this all about you then maybe you can do something about it.

    Along the way, you lose yourself. The fact that you state you would be lost without your marriage suggests that.

    I wish you well on your journey. It's a long, but worth while one.
    You'll be fine, I promise.
    Been there, done that.

    In the meantime google or find books on emotional abuse. You will find yourself there.

  8. #17
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    It is amazing how much a counselor can help, and even more amazing how much can change in a relatively short period of time.

    I wanted to jot down some of my thoughts.

    I must accept that he needs to be allowed to have moods, to be miserable, and to know that the people around him (i.e. me) will support him, forgive him, and permit him to be miserable, acknowledging his feelings and the validity of them, rather than trying to help fix things or further burden him with how his feelings make me feel.

    He gets down in the dumps for different reasons, sometimes multiple reasons at one time. He goes through periods of high-stress when producing and promoting his creative work (which contributes to feelings of vulnerability and potentially being judged), big milestones in the completion of his dissertation, and the times when his health is bad and just wears him down physically.

    And I also must tell him what I need from him as a partner, and to acknowledge to myself that what I want and need is OK. It's reasonable to be concerned about how my partner's perspective will affect my life.

    There is quite a lot I've been stressed about that ultimately is such little trivial nothings when I really think about it. I must remind myself to prioritize our relationship. I've stressed about saying the right things, having the right response and reaction, or maintaining a lifestyle for us that is fun and interesting - and that all comes from a surface perspective, a self-involved idea that the relationship depends on my being a certain way, or in trying to keep him happy or distracted - instead of simply being myself and securely accepting that that's good enough.

    And furthermore, no matter what he does, or how he feels, the only way I'll ever find meaning in my life is if I find it, or generate it. Focusing on him is just a distraction. But if I make a big impact on his life, that will not necessarily make my life meaningful. And he knows this and instinctively pushes it away. Without using words, he's basically saying that he's working on his own life's meaning and he doesn't want me to take that and make it mine, too. So that's not pushing me away or not needing me. It's just his independence of identity, which, if I respect him, I will also respect.

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