Divide between family and parent's partner

My father has been with his partner for three years. For the first year the family made a big effort to get to know her and include her in activities. My partner and I would invite my father and this woman to events and to visit us where we live for walks etc. However, after that first year things began to deteriorate between them and the family (myself, my siblings and my grandmother) have grown to dislike this woman. There are concerns she has isolated him from his family and friends. She likes to be with him 24/7, when he meets his friends for a drink she will meet her friends at the same place. When my sister treated my father to a meal for Father's day, she turned up with a friend at the same place and stayed until my father left. My sister had the opportunity to go to France on a holiday and invited my dad along but he had to say no because his partner was upset.

This woman has never had a job and pays for her home using her adult daughter's disability benefits. However the daughter wants to move out and live with her boyfriend. This woman is panicking she's going to therefore lose her house and has been having lots of arguments with my father, ending the relationship then making contact wanting him back because she wants my father to sell his house and get a house with her. She also wants to marry him. I'm not sure if these are things my father may want in the future, to be honest possibly not. He definitely doesn't want them right now. This break-up make-up has been happening over the last year. It's just happened again now, however this time round my siblings and grandmother have told him the break-up is for the best, they aren't right for each other etc.

Now it turns out this woman has been complaining to my father that none of the family like her and haven't made her feel welcome, for example my father has a meal with my grandmother every Saturday and the woman was complaining she is never invited. However, my grandmother is in her 80s and has cancer and she doesn't want to cook this woman dinner because she thinks it should be her cooking for my grandmother. Now because everyone has said it's for the best my father is angry thinking this woman is correct - no one likes her. After splitting up with my father she contacted him to ask to resolve things and get back together but for the first time my father said no, and he feels he has said no just to please the family. This is now really difficult for us all, especially if he caves in and goes back to her!! I am the only one who hasn't made any comment and I am worried about seeing him because there was an occasion where I invited him and my grandmother up to see our new house and requested his partner not come due to space issues and suggested they come together another time. Now he thinks that was a deliberate action to try and get rid of her.

If dad likes to be with her, so be it. I think that you all should accept that he has a girlfriend and stop making a big deal about excluding her. If he doens't want to get married and he gets tired of her situation with her daughter, he will dump her on his own. Saying "everyone is included but her" will only cause a bigger rift and it will send him running into her arms and your relationship will be strained. I would say dad "i want you to be with whoever you want to be with, but sometimes occasionally, dad do you understand how sometimes we just want to have a conversation about what's going on in our life with our dad - no matter who your girlfriend is. just like if mom was still alive )around?), sometimes we would want to have a girl talk with just mom. (if mom is still alive say just like sometimes we just want to have a girltalk with mom) If you would let that happen sometimes, we would be happy with her if you say you are happy.

Is he happy with her? He knows you all dislike her. Leave your father alone if you can't respect his feelings or his partner. Is he widowed or divorced?

It's rude not to respect his feelings and all of you continually trying to exclude her because "you don't like this woman". You don't have to like her, but it would be nice if you respected your father's relationship with her.

You are creating your own difficulties because "you don't like this woman". If you stopped ganging up and launching this passive-aggressive attack against her, your life would be a lot easier.

My father has been with his partner for three years. After splitting up with my father she contacted him to ask to resolve things and get back together but for the first time my father said no, and he feels he has said no just to please the family. Now he thinks that was a deliberate action to try and get rid of her.

Is he happy with her? He knows you all dislike her. Leave your father alone if you can't respect his feelings or his partner. Is he widowed or divorced?

 

It's rude not to respect his feelings and all of you continually trying to exclude her because "you don't like this woman". You don't have to like her, but it would be nice if you respected your father's relationship with her.

 

You are creating your own difficulties because "you don't like this woman". If you stopped ganging up and launching this passive-aggressive attack against her, your life would be a lot easier.

Yes you are right we shouldn’t exclude her and generally don’t. I only excluded her on one occasion when I wanted my grandmother to visit our house to thank her for the financial contribution she made. My dad needed to bring her. Can’t I just spend time with my dad without this woman on one occasion?

As for my sister and the holiday the woman has no job so couldn’t afford a holiday.

As for the Father’s Day meal that was a treat by my sister. She couldn’t afford to pay for this woman’s meal as well.

As for my grandmother never inviting the woman round - my grandmother does what she wants and cannot be changed. She gives zero f*** and if she doesn’t want to cook for this woman, no one can make her.

It's interesting that you are making her the problem, when in fact your father is making these decisions and you don't like them.

Can’t I just spend time with my dad without this woman on one occasion?

My dad doesn’t enjoy spending time with her constantly. That’s why he won’t move in with her. This woman causes arguments which he hates so he will try and keep the peace where he can. But yes I was wrong to exclude her from coming to my house on that one occasion when I was thanking my grandmother. We all make mistakes. One mistake in three years of him being with her. I can’t speak for my other family members.

Yeah, I know nobody in the family likes this woman, but a lot of the examples you cited are typical of what happens when a dad is not with mom and is with another woman (any woman). Daughters in particular seem to take it hard when their dad finds a girlfriend. There's a lot of jealousy involved. I mean, to invite dad on a holiday trip and not invite his girlfriend? You wouldn't have done this if he was still with mom. Invite dad to a dinner, but not invite his girlfriend. That's petty. Commenting negatively on his relationship, really none of anybody's business. What does it matter if she's with him 24 hours a day? Who cares if she doesn't work?

Dad is in charge of his own life and it's pretty apparent the family hasn't welcomed her. Sometimes when a family gangs up on a girlfriend, it forces dad and the girlfriend together more. So you girls could actually be helping him stay with her instead of pushing her away.

So to your specific question, stay out of this. Don't ever invite dad to anything without inviting whoever his girlfriend is. Keep your feelings about her to yourself. And tell your sisters to do the same, because when you go down this path, dad could disown all of you for being rude, ungrateful, insensitive busy-bodies. I've seen it happen. So just be nice to anyone dad brings over and always plan on dad bringing a date when planning a meal or a trip.

Thanks for your advice I have taken it on board. We don’t mean to be petty but we really aren’t able to pay for her meals when we treat our dad for special occasions like Father’s Day. We have done it before but have decided not to again due to our financial situations.

"There's no space", "there's no money" etc. However it would be easy to choose a cheaper place. These are pretty transparent, especially to your father and her. Agree that the more you and your family exclude and resent her the more your father will make a stand. Agree with DanZee, you and your family are creating your own problems by being downright rude.

Butt out of his business and even if a she's the wicked witch of the west, be polite and respectful of your father. Has your father invited only you and your siblings without your partners "because there was no space" or "because he can't afford their meal? How bitter and petty would that be? Are you hoping he stays lonely and single? You certainly don't seem happy he found a partner.

Thanks for your advice I have taken it on board. We don’t mean to be petty but we really aren’t able to pay for her meals when we treat our dad for special occasions like Father’s Day. We have done it before but have decided not to again due to our financial situations.

actually - i agree. If you can't afford to treat two people between yourself and your sister -- you can go to a less expensive restaurant and be delighted by girlfirend or dad and girlfriend reciprocating by offering to buy dessert or provide the tip.

people know when you are trying to exclude them. If you want to see dad by himself say "dad, i have been going through a rough time, and would like to spend time with just you even if its for an hour. Can we make that happen?" vs "oh, sorry, there were only 3 tickets left so only you, sis and me can go. sorry girlfriend. too bad so sad" Never use money or space as an excuse why someone can't come to a casual get together. Because that avoids the elephant in the room. There was an episode of the Office where one person was excluded with the excuse of "we don't have enough wine glasses and this is couples only". So the person showed up with two wine glasses and a date to solve the problem.

Well I do get why you wouldn't be thrilled with her. From what you describe, she sounds like a user. It's particularly telling that she's getting all pissed off and trying to turn your dad against all of you because he's not jumping to sell his house, marry her, and buy a house that would be in her name too.

So now your dad is upset because of the manipulation she is pulling with trying to get her way with him. Who's the easiest people to blame - well the people he knows will be there for him no matter what .

Her stressing and freaking about her trying to set up her next meal ticket and pressuring your dad has zero to do with how any of you treated her. It's just a diversion.

If you keep all this in mind when you see him, it will be easier . He's hurting and he's lashing out. Just be there for him and avoid going into this topic right now. If they get back together, you can worry about that then.

Dad's a grown man capable of making his own choices, and his love life is not a democracy. I'd focus on my own relationship with him and his partner if he wants her, and I'd shut down any badmouthing of either of them in front of me. Period.

Imagine the roles reversed and you've been seeing someone for 3 years and your family refers to them as "this person", and excludes them from family gatherings. Wouldn't you feel like they don't like your partner? Your partner might have faults, you two might have had ups and downs in your relationship, but do you like it when your family decides for you that that the person you've been pretty serious about isn't good for you?