Struggling to find reasons to stay. Bf might be bi-sexual?

Hi everyone,

I am a 20 y.o female, and I've been dating my boyfriend (23) for 1 1/2 years now. I live 1 1/2 hours away from him. We met in my town, but he moved away for uni, and so all of his friends live near me. He comes over 2-3 days a week usually. He is a kind soul but we've had some issues arise because of his lack of consideration and minimal communication through-out our relationship. Several months into the relationship I discovered he had a list of women in his notes, all with Pros and Cons of dating, and I was one of them. This freaked me out a little, but I confronted him and tried to move forward as it was before we were official and it was "his way of figuring out what he wanted in a girlfriend". We were unofficially dating for 4 months before we became official, but to me we were still exclusive. I soon discovered that he had been seeing at least 4 other girls during this period, and this disgusted me, but I did my best to move forward.

Months later while waiting for him at his University, I was logged onto his account so that I could use the library computers. I opened up Facebook and was logged into his profile. A message popped up from his best friend, a message I shouldn't have seen. The day before he had messaged his friend saying he was having second thoughts about me. Keep in mind, we were going strong, no problems, I thought we were in a happy place, so this shocked me. I couldn't help but cry in the middle of the library. He said cruel things, saying I was lazy, and that I would be nothing without him. He took credit for every single on of my accomplishments, but none of it was true.

Again I confronted him about this later on, and he just tried to turn the tables and say I shouldn't go snooping, and that he was upset at the time and most of it was just said out of frustration and wasn't accurate.

Struggling to get over this, our relationship began to fall down hill slowly. We would have constant little arguments, he would resent coming over to visit and I began to feel taken for granted, but I was determined to push through. This went on for 2 months. I began to feel better about things and had a positive outlook, even though there was still much to work on. This is when he began to act strange. He changed his phone password and would hide his phone and take it with him everywhere and slam shut his laptop anytime I went near it. With our relationship not in the best place, this only put doubt and suspicion in my mind. He left his phone by the bed one night when he went to shower and I guessed his passcode. His most recent message was to his old best friend from work. He had asked her to coffee and stated he was having "girl issues" and went on to say he was again considering breaking up, that I'm critical and controlling of him. Never once did he come to me to resolve any issues he had or clarify anything.

Days went by and I asked him if anything was wrong, that he was acting strange. He told me he wasn't in a good place and that he felt I was being critical of him, which made him feel even worse. We had a lengthy conversation and cleared things up. I never told him I saw the message to his work friend.

At this point I was extremely insecure about our relationship. I felt unappreciated and like I was walking on eggshells, even though most of our issues were a direct result of his second guessing us. Him having second thoughts lead to me feeling crap every time I was with him, which lead to him thinking I was creating issues for no reason.

Continuing to hide his phone and laptop from me, I began to suspect he had something to hide. Anytime I would sit by him while he was on Facebook or google he would turn it away or get straight up. Again I waited for an opportunity to see if he was hiding something else. When the opportunity struck, I quickly looked to see if he had been messaging anyone out of the ordinary or discussing the relationship. Dread struck when I saw his Ex's name as the most recent contact. She has sent him a fairly respectful message asking how he was, and that it was completely ok if he didn't want to respond. Of course he did, even asking her to coffee. She stated she had been looking through her old phone and came across of photos of them, so she thought she would see how he was doing. He replied by asking for her to send him these photos so he could save them and put them on a usb in his memory box. This upset me. I felt irrelevant and disrespected. Why would he want photos of him and his ex? Why would he think it was ok to ask her to coffee without even considering me?

Curious as to why he was cautious when he was searching google, I checked his browsing history. Scrolling past the porn, I discovered he has searched "do I have feelings for my ex still" and even did a stupid online quiz about it. This was too much. I asked if he still had feelings for her, that I had seen his history and it had upset me. He said he had no excuse for this. He was questioning why he decided to respond to her and didn't know if he had feelings or if he was being sentimental. After a long discussion we spend a week apart to gather out thoughts and feelings. He told me our trust had been broken. That by looking through his things I broke his trust, and that a relationship needs trust to flourish. We came so close to breaking up that night. He thought there was no going back, that he had done too much damage and I wouldn't accept him anymore. This made me feel even worse. Why was he the one giving up? Why was I still trying so hard to fix everything, everything wrong HE had done?

We decided to do our best to fix things. I said I would no longer go through his devices if he would promise to have open communication, consider me, think before he does stupid things that affect both of us and above all respect me and the relationship.

A couple of weeks went by and I hadn't noticed a huge change in his behaviour. He seemed to go back to normal, but no extra effort was being put in. I had told him that for him to regain my trust I needed to see some effort, I needed to feel validated and important. I decided I would look once more to see if he was really doing what he said, and considering me. So often he would say he would come to mine for 2 days, but he would makes plans with his friends who live in my town, and so I would hardly see him. I didn't feel like a priority and I needed him to change this.

I jumped on his laptop when I had the chance and went into his google account to see his recent activity, and any deleted browsing history. I scrolled back a few months and discovered he had been using Grindr, POF and several Transgender dating apps. I knew he sometimes watched Trans porn, and sometimes some extreme porn like scat, but not as often as he actually did. Almost every day he was watching extreme porn videos, scat, enema, transgender and more recently gay porn. The fact he had been on multiple dating apps, a majority being transgender, was a huge red flag. I broke down crying, not knowing what to do. Should this be the end? What else can I do, I've done so much, given him so many chances, and he's been deceiving me. I still haven't confronted him about the dating apps. I've been scared. I've been taking it all in, wondering if him being bi is a deal breaker for me. I don't know if it is. I love him for the person he is. He's usually lovely to be around and recent he's been putting in all the extra effort I could ask for, so I can see that he is trying to better himself and our relationship. The only thing left is this whole transgender situation. Is he bi? If he is, does that matter? More importantly, why was he using dating apps whilst dating me? And transgender ones at that? He always made out that he watched trans porn because it was taboo, and it still looked and sounded like a girl, so it wasn't gay. But to actively seek trans people on dating sites... and to be getting off to gay porn?

I'm not sure what to make of this anymore. I intend to bring up the transgender porn, since it's popped up on his phone infront of me before and he was embarrassed. I want to ask him if he is bi-sexual, in a non-judgemental way if possible. I want to understand his mindset, his reasons before I jump to conclusions... I would love some input guys.

TLDR: Bf is inconsiderate, might be a closet bi-sexual, is into trannys, scat, extreme porn (maybe even a porn addict). Found out he was using multiple dating sites, Grindr, POF and several trans dating apps. It's affecting our relationship and I'm unsure where to turn.

OP, it's time to stop trying to make this relationship work.

You've had plenty of reason to walk away throughout the course of your time with him, so I am not sure why you're so determined to try to push forward with him anyway. He isn't into you that much and he doesn't put the same value on exclusivity that you do. Even without the discovery of his dating apps and porn preferences, you have more than enough reason to end this forever.

What is it you're trying to hang on to? Why "bring up" anything at this point? It's not going to work, my friend. Break up and be done with it.

"He said cruel things, saying I was lazy, and that I would be nothing without him. He took credit for every single on of my accomplishments, but none of it was true."

This is when you should have been done.

Why do you feel that your relationships have to be a project. This has not been working for a LONG time!

I cant understand what you get from this relationship, except drama and toxicity. He has been a poor partner choice, all along.

End it. There is no relationship here..

He does not love you. He has treated you badly from the start.

You constantly have to check up on him to see what he's actually doing or thinking, there is no trust and relationships aren't meant to be like this.

He has given you loads of reasons to not trust him.

Either way, he shouldn't be lying to you or still lusting after ex's and you shouldn't be going into his private things. It just goes to show how bad things are between you two.

This relationship is broken beyond repair. The bad outweighs the good by a lot.

It doesn't matter anymore if he's possibly gay or if he wants his ex back or if he disrespects you, etc.

The bottom line is, your relationship is completely dysfunctional and this is not love.

It needs to end for good.

His actions clearly show that he does not care about or respect you. How much more are you going to continue to put up with?

You seriously need to address your self esteem issues, and why YOU allow people to treat you like this.

You seriously need to address your self esteem issues, and why YOU allow people to treat you like this.

You're right. This is only my second relationship... first serious one. I've always struggled a bit socially. Didn't really have a real group of friends until my second year of Uni. My self-esteem isn't great. I need to have more confidence in myself, pick myself up and look at myself for what I'm really worth.

Your self esteem will improve immensely when you get rid of this creep. And, don't stay in any contact or attempt friendship. He is not your friend.

Also, make more of an effort at making friends. When one has a lacking social life, they are more likely to tolerate bad behavior.

My self-esteem isn't great.

I promise you that it will get better if you drop this guy. He is very detrimental to your emotional well-being and confidence.

Unfortunately, have to agree with this. It's time to end it and then delete and block him. Also change all your passcodes.

Your self esteem will improve immensely when you get rid of this creep. And, don't stay in any contact or attempt friendship. He is not your friend.

It's strange if not unsettling that despite all other factors, his potential bisexuality is what seemingly takes the cake.

You're a willing and active participant in a toxic cycle. This isn't a matter of self-esteem. It's ego, even if with a few dashes of insecurity. You want to help yourself to a partner's privacy and someone who you can tell what to do or not do. Sorry, but this is the kind of guy that gets you.

It's strange if not unsettling that despite all other factors, his potential bisexuality is what seemingly takes the cake.

 

You're a willing and active participant in a toxic cycle. This isn't a matter of self-esteem. It's ego, even if with a few dashes of insecurity. You want to help yourself to a partner's privacy and who you can tell what to do or not do. Sorry, but this is the kind of guy that gets you.

Yeah I agree with this. Hopefully moving forward with other dating adventures you will learn to drop the controlling and invasive behaviours.

Honestly if someone I was with went through my things even once, I'd drop them so fast they'd be spinning. No decent guy is going to stick around for that kind of thing.

I wonder whether he's deliberately gone on those sites now because he suspects you're still checking up on him and wants to wind you up. Anyway, this is not someone you should waste any time on.

The dating sites and apps were months back. Would have been little to no reason to suspect I was checking up on him then. The only reason I knew he used them was because his google activity showed every time he installed and uninstalled the app... which was plenty of times over the span of 2 months, Grindr being the main culprit.

It's not the bisexuality that takes the cake for me. I've just listed things in order of them taking place, with that being the most recent thing on my mind. In fact it's something I'd willing try to understand and accept. But add everything else into the mix and it's a bit much. It's the lying and deceiving even after being confronted. Checking up may not be the right thing to do but its how I've judged whether I could begin to trust him again without throwing myself in the deep end.

I think you just need to concede that this is not the guy for you and walk away.

I think you just need to concede that this is not the guy for you and walk away.

Sadly I know, I just needed to hear peoples views on it.

It's not the bisexuality that takes the cake for me. I've just listed things in order of them taking place, with that being the most recent thing on my mind. In fact it's something I'd willing try to understand and accept. But add everything else into the mix and it's a bit much. It's the lying and deceiving even after being confronted. Checking up may not be the right thing to do but its how I've judged whether I could begin to trust him again without throwing myself in the deep end.

If you can't trust someone without checking up on them, don't be with the person. Don't get in a habit of justifying invading the privacy of men you date.

Did you do this with your first relationship? Because it seems you've intruded on this poor guy's civil rights by violating his privacy and broke a couple of federal laws by hacking his computers and accounts. You just need to calm down. Your boyfriend stopped trusting you a long time ago, and breaking up will probably be a relief to both of you. Just leave it alone and walk away. Leave him alone and move on.

If you can't trust someone without checking up on them, don't be with the person. Don't get in a habit of justifying invading the privacy of men you date.

I agree with this. I know its wrong to feel the need to check in, and I've justified it to an extent by the he's done that I've found. It's not salvageable, I need to learn my lesson from this toxic relationship and not let it happen in the future. I guess it's a good learning curve if anything.