My biggest struggle

I was always the bigger girl, but up until junior high school I never felt like it. I mean, I knew I was bigger than the girls next to me, but I wasn't fat. When junior high came, I found interest in the cute guys with long hair who sat with the "cool kids." I didn't see anything super wrong with myself so I would talk to them or ask to hang out. They'd always laugh at me and walk away. It hurt, but I still didn't really dwell on it until I found out that every attempt I had been making at just conversing with these guys was being blasted and made fun of by people I didn't even know. I stopped really talking to anyone. I had my girlfriends and I stayed pretty content with just them. Then moving into junior high/high school, I was constantly reassured that I was a . (Keep in mind here, I was very conservative with my body and had never experienced any kind of sexual relationship.) I kind of "grew into my body" my freshmen year. I wasn't skinny by no means but I wasn't fat either. I fell in love with this guy who made me feel good about myself. He was a junior and I was a freshman. He made all the guys in my grade that had been putting me down and bullying me seem irrelevant. He was so much more mature.

Fast forward.

I lost my virginity to him the end of my freshmen year on our 8 months. The week after, my parents found out because I wasn't very smart about my texting about it. They cut off all my contact with him. They blocked his number on my phone through the phone company and locked my phone to where no social media could be downloaded or accessed. I saw him at school, but I was warned that if I left school for lunch (off-campus lunch) that I would face much worse consequences. He wouldn't stay with me at the school to eat because it was lame so he continued to leave for lunch. It came to my attention that the same girl was repeatedly going with him. Come to find out, he was cheating on me.

This girl was darker than me. She had longer thicker hair. She was well mannered and quiet. She was very skinny. Altogether, she was so much more feminist than I could ever be. I was a louder person involved in sports and I always wore jeans and a Tshirt.

The moment he admitted it to me, I was puking and crying. He was the first person I loved. The first person for everything and I wasn't enough. I begged him not to leave me. I told him I forgave him and wouldn't bring it up again if he just chose me. He held me and kissed my head. He told me he was sorry and that he loved me. He stayed...

Fast forward to his graduation.

I wasn't allowed to see him at all. I finally found a way to meet up with him on the 4th of July. He seemed so different. My heart broke all over again. I missed him. I was lost without him. He was having a conversation with me walking down the road when she texted saying that it looked like he was having fun. He got so stressed out and had to reassure her we were just friends. It hurt. I swallowed my pain and enjoyed that moment with him because I knew I wouldn't have another one.

Fast forward to August of my incoming Junior year.

I had no contact with him. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it. My parents wouldn't let me mention it. I HAD to be okay. I made the decision to have sex with someone else hoping that it would ruin that bond I had with my first. I ran out of the room after 5 minutes because I couldn't handle it. I was puking and crying. I just went home. I was constantly depressed. My parents put me on birthc control the moment they found out about the first time and said that maybe it'd help with my over emotionalness as well. A couple months later, I tried again. I was 17 and had sex with a 19 year old.

Fast forward two weeks.

He gave me herpes. I have never hated myself more than in that moment. I cried and cried. I still cry to this day. It brought so much worthlessness upon me. I have hated myself since that day I foundout.

I started binge eating because it didn't matter what I looked like now because nobody was gonna ever love me.

I stopped waking up and just slept all day all night because I didn't care to see the daylight.

I would go to parties to get drunk but have to make sure I stayed away from any guys because I couldn't stand the thought of me being so poisonous to everyone.

I didn't date anyone. I stopped talking to EVERYONE. I walked to class with my head down and never said a word.

I have never told anyone. I wasn't really a church goer, but I had faith in his will. But after this, I hated church

Fast forward to last couple months of junior year.

I met this guy. The sweetest most amazing guy. He liked me and I liked him, but I kept hurting him. Time after time I tried to get him to leave me alone because I didn't want him to love me. He was too precious to be sentenced to life with a disease from this broken girl.

I gave him the chance and told him I didn't want to have sex. That I wanted to take it slow.

I was really fat at this point.

I couldn't ever understand how he'd like me because I hated me. I started getting all of the nasty rejection feelings throughout my junior high years even when he tried his best to make me feel comfortable. I stopped fitting in my clothes that I had just bought because I was getting bigger. It was embarrassing, but I continued to eat my life away. I wouldn't stop at full. I'd keep eating until I felt like puking. Then I'd just lay down until I felt good enough to eat again. He'd try to help me with my diet while reassuring me that I'm still perfect the way I am.

Fast forward to my senior year.

I finally took some steps towards bettering myself. Turning 18 doesn't really do anything for anyone, but for me, it made me feel like I had all control back. I started working out a couple of weeks or walking in the park just to enjoy life. I still struggle with eating because I'm happiest when I'm hungry. I eat when I am hungry, but I eat the very minimum to satisfy my hunger but not give me that full feeling. I am terrified of the full feeling.

Fast forward to present.

I have gotten back into the clothes I had bought the very first time I upsized throughout this journey. I struggle with my mindset. I struggle with really bad anxiety because of the drugs that were involved in some of the partying previously mentioned. I struggle with my self esteem. I struggle with how I feel about myself. I am getting better, but it has been so hard. It has been ridiculously hard. I get these awful flashbacks and anxiety attacks when I think about how everything happened. I've never been good enough for anyone. Even when I tried to find comfort in girlfriends, they always laugh at me or just don't understand. Nobody understands, but I can't blame them. I closed everyone out.

If anyone made it this far, feel free to share personal experiences or any kind of constructive criticism. Am I doing okay? Do I have actual problems about weight? Was the weight a real issue before or after the diagnosis?

isitok.

Please break this into paragraphs.

Responders are reluctant to read a block wall of text

isitok.

Please break this into paragraphs.

Responders are reluctant to read a block wall of text

Everywhere I started a new line with "fast forward" the went to the next line, that was my paragraph. I am new to this and am not so good yet at the formatting. In addition, I don't know how to edit or close and forums.

I struggle with really bad anxiety because of the drugs that were involved in some of the partying previously mentioned. I struggle with my self esteem. I struggle with how I feel about myself. I am getting better, but it has been so hard. It has been ridiculously hard. I get these awful flashbacks and anxiety attacks when I think about how everything happened. I've never been good enough for anyone. Even when I tried to find comfort in girlfriends, they always laugh at me or just don't understand. Nobody understands, but I can't blame them. I closed everyone out.

 

If anyone made it this far, feel free to share personal experiences or any kind of constructive criticism. Am I doing okay? Do I have actual problems about weight? Was the weight a real issue before or after the diagnosis?

First off, I want to give you a (hug) Your story made me sad for you. I am sorry.

You aren't having anxiety due to drugs you took, you are having anxiety due to all the negative feelings you are having about yourself.

Eating is a way to medicate yourself. Much like a drug addiction.

Eating, weight gain, anxiety, feelings of low self worth are all symptoms of something bigger.

You need to address the cause, not the symptoms.

How old are you and have you shared this with your parents?

You would really benefit from talking to a therapist.

I think you'd really benefit from seeing a therapist. You have such a negative view about yourself and that really needs to get resolved so you can feel positive, or at least better, about you. Your weight issues have damaged how you see yourself. I have a weight issue too, not fat, but not average that's for sure. I suffered name calling and other verbal abuse in school too, so I honestly do understand how you feel. I am a fair bit older than you and I have come to terms with myself. I learned to like and love myself and I have a great husband who loves me for me, and I have two grown kids. You dont have to be doomed to a life of feeling bad about yourself!

I think you're doing a lot better now. You still have a ways to go to get rid of the anxiety, and the eating disorder. I can understand how you lost your self-esteem and you're working your way back.

What happened to your last boyfriend? Is he still trying to help? Good luck.