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I am starting to have some sort of hatred


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I don’t know that it’s possible to skip over stages. Just stay grounded and allow yourself to feel each emotion. I think not fighting what you’re feeling and just allowing yourself and your mind to process things is the healthiest and easiest way to heal. With my divorce my anger stage came in waves, I don’t think healing is linear anyway. One minute I’d be sad then angry then back to sad then scared then confused then I’d bargain a little then back to angry then happy then back to bargaining then sad. It was a roller coaster but honestly the worst of it lasted a couple of months. It took a good year to completely heal, but that unbearable rough patch where your emotions are everywhere, I truly think allowing myself to be weak and sad and quite frankly pathetic helped me eventually dust myself off and move forward.

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I went through therapy while going through my divorce and honestly I wasn't giving myself permission to be angry. My therapist was very patient with me and after several weeks asked me firmly `ok . .so when ARE you going to get angry??"

 

Anger is movement and it's a passage of sorts when you are going through this. To deny yourself of the anger that the entire experience deserves takes away from your healing.

 

Get angry. Get good and angry. Acknowledge the anger you are entitled too and understand that it's part of the process. To stuff it and deny it will cause it to come out in other ways.

 

You are more inclined to be stuck feeling bitter and resentful if you don't embrace it and pass through it.

 

Just know it's normal.

Hang in there

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I am just fearful that I stay angry forever, sure, my ex is not perfect and has fault of her own in the demise of the marriage, but, I think it is unfair to be angry at her, I have a lot of reasons to be angry at her all of them valid but still...

 

You don't need to necessarily be angry at her, but you can be angry that the dream you had isn't coming to fruition.

You can be angry at her for her part.

You can be angry at yourself for not catching it in time or knowing better when it mattered the most.

I could go on . .

 

I know it feels overwhelming at times. Honestly, the best thing to do is sit in it and let it pass through you.

There are no shortcuts my friend.

Well, none I would recommend. Drinking for example. People often become alcoholics in an attempt to avoid unpleasant feelings.

I think you get the picture.

 

You will get through this

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Thank you for the advice.

Well, I do not plan to drink at all, it sucks, a week ago a couple of my friends took ne out of the house to hang out and bought me beers and shots, it was gross and I felt more in despair and misery days afterwards.

 

 

It pretty much sucks. Just expect it to feel this way for a while.

It will get better though. Just have faith.

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I am just fearful that I stay angry forever, sure, my ex is not perfect and has fault of her own in the demise of the marriage, but, I think it is unfair to be angry at her, I have a lot of reasons to be angry at her all of them valid but still...

 

It doesn’t sound like you’re at the anger stage at all to be honest.

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Reinventmyself and figureitout23.

Thank you very much for the advice.

I have one more question, is it unhealthy to not talk to my friends and family about my ex's role on the break up?

I have been keeping her out of everything and just blaming myself, also last time we spoke it seems that my ex is just blaming me for everything and just would not admit that the breakup was grade school level ( she left our place while I was at work and just left a note saying that I suck....)

Sorry for telling you this guys but I have been hiding the whole thing to everybody just in case she changes her mind and my friends and family don't start disliking her.

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I am just fearful that I stay angry forever, sure, my ex is not perfect and has fault of her own in the demise of the marriage, but, I think it is unfair to be angry at her, I have a lot of reasons to be angry at her all of them valid but still...

 

I think you need to get angry, get it all out. Work with a competent therapist who can guide you thru the anger and to come out in a better frame of mind.

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Just expect to feel.all sorts of overwhelming and conflicting feelings. It wont make sense for quite some time.

Do you really think there's any chance for reconciliation? If so I understand why you might not tell your family. That's ok.

But it doesn't mean you need to personally flog yourself and take the blame.

If by chance you reconcile it will only be successful if you both own your own stuff and take ownership wear it belongs.

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When my fiance found another woman the week before he proposed to me....then i found out about it as i was preparing for my wedding...ugh....I never went thru the angry stage. First I was in denial...and bargaining. It worked. We got back together...but then he started seeing her again. And then it was over for GOOD. But not because I ENDED IT! HE DID.

 

1st month...still in shock and denial.

2nd month....depression. (heard depression is anger turned inward. I blamed myself)

3rd month. Terrible depression. Wouldn't get out of bed. Etc. Joined ENA....lol

 

By the 6 month I was writing myself Messages. This is the beginning of my new life. Today I will.....

 

Took me 2 years...and everyone said I was still talking about him.

 

At the end of 2 years I started hanging out with a guy....just as friends. 5 months later (in Oct) I called my mom and said...I'm finally happy again.

 

So close to 3 years.

 

Now that 'guy' and I are over. 5 years. Now to start over again.

 

Went thru all the pain of a hot/cold relationship during those 5 years. Don't have to cry and get depressed. Just sad.

 

Angry? Everyone told me to get angry. But I can't. When I'm mad...I can argue with a SO...but after a break up....I'm just hurt. Wishing it could have worked out. Wondering why men are such A-holes.....lol...joke...sorta...don't come back and say women are too. I know....women are crazy, men are....fill in blank.

 

I WISH I got angry. Little bits and pieces of angry. But mostly disappointment.

 

I'm not afraid I'm gonna stay in the 'I hate you' stage...I'm always afraid I'm going to get in the 'jaded' stage and not trust anymore.

 

So sorry OP. Can't help ya out with anger....but if you wanna know about depression...I'm your girl! *wink*

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When my fiance found another woman the week before he proposed to me....then i found out about it as i was preparing for my wedding...ugh....I never went thru the angry stage. First I was in denial...and bargaining. It worked. We got back together...but then he started seeing her again. And then it was over for GOOD. But not because I ENDED IT! HE DID.

 

1st month...still in shock and denial.

2nd month....depression. (heard depression is anger turned inward. I blamed myself)

3rd month. Terrible depression. Wouldn't get out of bed. Etc. Joined ENA....lol

 

By the 6 month I was writing myself Messages. This is the beginning of my new life. Today I will.....

 

Took me 2 years...and everyone said I was still talking about him.

 

At the end of 2 years I started hanging out with a guy....just as friends. 5 months later (in Oct) I called my mom and said...I'm finally happy again.

 

So close to 3 years.

 

Now that 'guy' and I are over. 5 years. Now to start over again.

 

Went thru all the pain of a hot/cold relationship during those 5 years. Don't have to cry and get depressed. Just sad.

 

Angry? Everyone told me to get angry. But I can't. When I'm mad...I can argue with a SO...but after a break up....I'm just hurt. Wishing it could have worked out. Wondering why men are such A-holes.....lol...joke...sorta...don't come back and say women are too. I know....women are crazy, men are....fill in blank.

 

I WISH I got angry. Little bits and pieces of angry. But mostly disappointment.

 

I'm not afraid I'm gonna stay in the 'I hate you' stage...I'm always afraid I'm going to get in the 'jaded' stage and not trust anymore.

 

So sorry OP. Can't help ya out with anger....but if you wanna know about depression...I'm your girl! *wink*

That makes a lot of sense to me, I am happy that you got yourself out of the rutt. On the other hand if you don't mind me asking, why you think you never got in the angry stage? In my case, I think I am avoiding it mostly because my metitation class, specially now because the subject of this period is about anger and maybe I am trying to make sense and compare my personal situation with what the class is teaching.

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Just expect to feel.all sorts of overwhelming and conflicting feelings. It wont make sense for quite some time.

Do you really think there's any chance for reconciliation? If so I understand why you might not tell your family. That's ok.

But it doesn't mean you need to personally flog yourself and take the blame.

If by chance you reconcile it will only be successful if you both own your own stuff and take ownership wear it belongs.

 

Maybe I am just in denial and anger? this is all new to me, sounds stupid I know, I am in my forties, I do not recall ever feeling like this, all of my previous relashionships I left for the most part unscarred.

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I think you need to get angry, get it all out. Work with a competent therapist who can guide you thru the anger and to come out in a better frame of mind.

 

That would be the best way to go, but unfortunately my ex racked up my credit card before her sneaky escape.

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Op you will most likely bounce between each stage which is normal. After my decade long relationship came to an end I bounced from denial and angry quite a bit. It took three years to come to acceptance.

 

Give yourself time to grieve.

 

Three years? Wow, I am in for a long ride.

I am really sorry you went trough this for such a long time.

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Just expect to feel.all sorts of overwhelming and conflicting feelings. It wont make sense for quite some time.

Do you really think there's any chance for reconciliation? If so I understand why you might not tell your family. That's ok.

But it doesn't mean you need to personally flog yourself and take the blame.

If by chance you reconcile it will only be successful if you both own your own stuff and take ownership wear it belongs.

 

Maybe it is because I am going back and forth in denial and anger, she does not admit any wrongdoing, I did not ask either, I barely brought up the relationship shortcomings in our last and only phone call.

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I didn't feel anger...because i loved him. And i blamed myself.

 

This last one...i was so hurt....so often...the love just dwindled away.

 

Now my ex husband....i pretty much hated him....lol. So much so...i didn't care that i got divorced. I then had the affair...so he REALLY HATED ME.

 

We still can't stand each other and it's been 10 years. We were married 20.

 

I dunno. I find it hard to be 'angry' at someone I love. I have that instantaneous kind of anger...but then i'm over it.

 

Much easier to be angry than sad and lonely....lol. But yeah...don't stay bitter, that's for sure....

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Just to let you know, the Five Stages of Grief is a myth.

 

"There appears to be no evidence, however, that most people most of the time go through most of the stages in this or any other order."

 

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/five-fallacies-of-grief/

 

"Grief is the normal and natural emotional response to loss.... No matter how much people want to create simple, bullet-point guidelines for the human emotions of grief, there are no stages of grief that fit any two people or relationships."

 

So if you can't get angry, don't worry about it. I was never angry when a relationship broke up. Just sad.

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