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Thread: I am starting to have some sort of hatred

  1. #1
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    I am starting to have some sort of hatred

    Hi all,
    I am separated for over a month, I know the stages of grief very well, I promised miself to avoid the angry stage, or at least minimize it.
    I do not want to be an angry and bitter person.
    Advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I donít know that itís possible to skip over stages. Just stay grounded and allow yourself to feel each emotion. I think not fighting what youíre feeling and just allowing yourself and your mind to process things is the healthiest and easiest way to heal. With my divorce my anger stage came in waves, I donít think healing is linear anyway. One minute Iíd be sad then angry then back to sad then scared then confused then Iíd bargain a little then back to angry then happy then back to bargaining then sad. It was a roller coaster but honestly the worst of it lasted a couple of months. It took a good year to completely heal, but that unbearable rough patch where your emotions are everywhere, I truly think allowing myself to be weak and sad and quite frankly pathetic helped me eventually dust myself off and move forward.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I went through therapy while going through my divorce and honestly I wasn't giving myself permission to be angry. My therapist was very patient with me and after several weeks asked me firmly `ok . .so when ARE you going to get angry??"

    Anger is movement and it's a passage of sorts when you are going through this. To deny yourself of the anger that the entire experience deserves takes away from your healing.

    Get angry. Get good and angry. Acknowledge the anger you are entitled too and understand that it's part of the process. To stuff it and deny it will cause it to come out in other ways.

    You are more inclined to be stuck feeling bitter and resentful if you don't embrace it and pass through it.

    Just know it's normal.
    Hang in there

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    I am just fearful that I stay angry forever, sure, my ex is not perfect and has fault of her own in the demise of the marriage, but, I think it is unfair to be angry at her, I have a lot of reasons to be angry at her all of them valid but still...

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Redesign
    I am just fearful that I stay angry forever, sure, my ex is not perfect and has fault of her own in the demise of the marriage, but, I think it is unfair to be angry at her, I have a lot of reasons to be angry at her all of them valid but still...
    You don't need to necessarily be angry at her, but you can be angry that the dream you had isn't coming to fruition.
    You can be angry at her for her part.
    You can be angry at yourself for not catching it in time or knowing better when it mattered the most.
    I could go on . .

    I know it feels overwhelming at times. Honestly, the best thing to do is sit in it and let it pass through you.
    There are no shortcuts my friend.
    Well, none I would recommend. Drinking for example. People often become alcoholics in an attempt to avoid unpleasant feelings.
    I think you get the picture.

    You will get through this

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    Thank you for the advice.
    Well, I do not plan to drink at all, it sucks, a week ago a couple of my friends took ne out of the house to hang out and bought me beers and shots, it was gross and I felt more in despair and misery days afterwards.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Redesign
    Thank you for the advice.
    Well, I do not plan to drink at all, it sucks, a week ago a couple of my friends took ne out of the house to hang out and bought me beers and shots, it was gross and I felt more in despair and misery days afterwards.

    It pretty much sucks. Just expect it to feel this way for a while.
    It will get better though. Just have faith.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Redesign
    I am just fearful that I stay angry forever, sure, my ex is not perfect and has fault of her own in the demise of the marriage, but, I think it is unfair to be angry at her, I have a lot of reasons to be angry at her all of them valid but still...
    It doesnít sound like youíre at the anger stage at all to be honest.

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    Reinventmyself and figureitout23.
    Thank you very much for the advice.
    I have one more question, is it unhealthy to not talk to my friends and family about my ex's role on the break up?
    I have been keeping her out of everything and just blaming myself, also last time we spoke it seems that my ex is just blaming me for everything and just would not admit that the breakup was grade school level ( she left our place while I was at work and just left a note saying that I suck....)
    Sorry for telling you this guys but I have been hiding the whole thing to everybody just in case she changes her mind and my friends and family don't start disliking her.

  11. #10
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    What stage you think is mine now?

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