How to win my ex back

This whole situation is quite a mess. My ex and I were together for over 6 years, living together for almost 3 years. Back in August I got black out drunk after drinking for 12 hours straight and smoking weed (which I don't ever do) I made out with his friend. He walked in on us making out and I don't have recollection of the situation.

My ex broke up with me on the spot and I tried telling him what I could remember over the next two weeks and my story would change as I would remember parts of the night so he felt I was lying to him. Finally at a point after two weeks of this, my ex said we are good. He isn't mad at me anymore, but since this was his biggest insecurity throughout our relationship (me cheating on him with his friend). I have apologized, and owned up to my mistakes. At this time we were still living together, and he started to see other people and using dating apps. I have not.

We have been sleeping together on and off. I keep setting this as a boundary but we keep breaking it, both of us have iniated it.

I tried the no contact for a few days but he was livid that I would ignore him after all that I have already done to him. He doesn't know he wants still, and doesn't want to try and date me until middle of December. I am moving out of our apartment next week and he seems very sad about it. We hang out at times and talk constantly but he is still going on dates with other women and texting them. From my understanding he hasn't slept with anyone else only me but that is only because those who he does ask, say no or we will see. We are both going to therapy separately but he refuses to go with me.

I have terrible anxiety and have been working on controlling it but some days it does get the best of me. I would say about every two weeks I have a day I think he may be controlling me and being resentful and bring up what he wants for the future and brings us back to being sad and emotional.

Many people have said I should do a no contact with him but I'm very torn if that would be beneficial for us. My therapist is in support of me "being there" for him. I am looking for some advice on how to win him back. He struggles with trusting me and doesn't want to be seen in public with me right now. When I am on my phone he thinks I'm messaging other guys and doesnt think I should be dating other people. Now I don't want to date other people but it frustrates me that he thinks he has a right say that, but when I say something like that to him, I'm manipulating him.

Our rapport is great as long as I keep my emotions in check and he is having a good day. We text constantly about how our days are, and we hang out after work since we are still living together at this point. I'm looking for some good advice on how to get him to realize how important I am too him and how I can be trusted again. That I won't make the same mistake ever again. He said we should still be able to hang out and text once I move out but I struggle with the idea that he is still texting all these other girls still. I don't want to rush things for him but just want some advice on if I should continue to be there for him or try the no contact. Trully any advice I am willing to hear. I want to make sure I am doing what he needs and mirror what he is doing but at the same time win him back!

Sorry to hear this. Where are you moving to? It sounds like things have been deteriorating and moving out is the best course of action. Continue individual therapy and have your therapist address the drinking and blackouts. Work on yourself. Begging and couples therapy wouldn't work at this point.

I am moving out of our apartment next week. he is still going on dates with other women and texting them.

I don't have a drinking problem. This was just a one night thing and isn't my typical relationship with alcohol either. I am also not begging either. Just trying to figure out what would be the best way to get him back.

I'm moving into a new place that is 20 minutes away where we currently live together.

You cheated on him & he saw it. Im sorry but there is no way he is going to get back together with you.

Learn the hard lessons & dont ever do something like this again.

OP, how was your relationship before this happened?

You cheated on him & he saw it. Im sorry but there is no way he is going to get back together with you.

 

Learn the hard lessons & dont ever do something like this again.

I have to say I agree with this. I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to get back together again after catching their partner cheating on them. (I know I wouldn't). I can only advise do NOT contact him (once you move out). He needs time to process and IF he ever wants to get together again, I say the ball is in his court. This has to be HIS decision, not yours.

Also, I think once trust is broken it never comes back. He will always have trust issues with you and without trust, you have nothing. There will always be tension and conflict in the relationship if you get back together again.

I'm still chuckling over the part about going No Contact with someone you're living with! It's a little difficult to do.

You should give up the idea of trying to get back with him. He's trying to move on, despite living with you, and you're basically having ex sex with him because it's convenient and right there. Keep to your plan to move out and then move on. The relationship is basically over.

This happened with his friend. Is he still friends with this guy or does he blame what happened all on you? Have you ever been flirty with this friend? It seems weird that your bf would say that what happened was his worst fear during your relationship.

I think you're allowing yourself to be totally disrespected as you watch him contact other women and join dating sites. Either he's all in with reconciling or you should be all out of trying to have any kind of relationship with him.

He isn't mad at me anymore, but since this was his biggest insecurity throughout our relationship (me cheating on him with his friend).

if this is the case, then I think the way you told the story was biased in your favor. Likely, if he was worrying about the exact cheating incident that happened, you were harboring feelings for his friend and none of this came out of the blue. It sounds to me like you took your boyfriend for granted and wondered if the grass was greener on the other side, decided to act on your feelings, and are now using alcohol and weed as an excuse for your actions.

You cheated on him, whether that was the plan or not. He's using you for sex and gets a free pass to not feel bad about it after what you did. He dating other women and you are no longer going to live together. It's time to wake up out of your emotional haze and start making decisions based on facts. You f*cked this one up and it's over. Move on and do better next time.

It was a very strong relationship. I made an honest mistake.

I would be curious to hear in what ways your story kept changing, regarding the cheating itself. It would probably help us better understand how your ex is now viewing you. Why was his biggest insecurity that you would cheat with his friend? It's an oddly specific fear. Any idea where it came from?

It seems to me that does want the relationship to be over, but he doesn't want you to move on and find his replacement until he finds yours. The toxic dance you two are doing right now is achieving nothing but giving him no-strings sex while he shops around for a new girl.

The likelihood that he would ever get over actually seeing you cheat with his friend, regardless of the circumstances, is slim to none. Even if he wanted to be able to move past it, that's an image that it going to be seared permanently into his memory. He might be able to one day let go of the anger he currently feels towards you but I don't think he could ever really feel the same way about you. You would be best to stop having sex with him and giving him the Girlfriend Experience now.

I'm so sorry your life is so messy right now. It seems like potentially you aren't really sure what you want. What are your thoughts? What does your therapist mean by "being there for him"? What does that look like? Have you talked to your therapist about what you want from life? Why you made the decisions leading up to the cheating? Maybe your focus is so much on the boyfriend aspect and it might be good to take a step back and examine your heart/life. Have you considered taking time to just rest awhile and think about your own goals and what your future looks like? Emotions are so tricky and we can be caught up in them and potentially making destructive decisions based on feelings alone.

I can see how even though you don't directly remember your actions that your boyfriend might be upset that you allowed yourself to get into that position to begin with. Maybe you have already done this, but consider taking steps to make sure that you create boundaries with yourself where you don't get intoxicated again---For yourself so that you don't sabotage yourself with actions that don't help you achieve your goals.

It doesn't seem healthy to stay in the situation where you are both in limbo and have this on and off relationship where both of you are really hurting. His actions suggest to me that he is hurting and acting out of that hurt even if he says "we are good". It doesn't seem good. I would consider taking an official break and both of reevaluating the relationship after time passes maybe you do discuss getting back together.