Levels of NC

Hello all, long time reader, first time poster here. This is going to sound similar to many questions asked here.

The short story... recently got broken up with after a few months of an LDR (saw each other in person multiple times). I was left devastated because I was absolutely crazy about her and didn't see it coming at all. To boil it down, it was an "it's not you, it's me" reasoning.

Naturally, we left the door open to maintaining contact in the future since I respected her decision and it was amicable. After a few days of trying to get my head right, I made it clear that I am not going to cut her off, and I am open to talking about reconciling should things ever change.

Now, here's my dilemma. Just about every bit of advice I've read says that I should go NC for now, because I absolutely still have strong feelings for her, and will for some time. It was her choice and I've made it clear to let me know if she changes her mind. Maybe NC is best, at least not initiating, but is there any value in small talk? Any point in responding to having anything other than a relationship discussion?

I know that only time can really provide the answer on something like this though, I know I constantly continue to evolve. I can expand on any of this if needed; I omitted a lot of details for brevity and privacy.

Any similar experiences? Thanks all.

Well, the theory behind going No Contact, quite possibly for the rest of your life, is that every time you have an interaction with an ex that you loved, and who dumped you, it hurts and it keeps you from healing and moving on. I had the same thing happen to me where I had to work next to my ex's office for the 18 months, seeing her every day, BS hearing her voice multiple times a day. It was hell. I was going out of my head. I was so sad and depressed. It didn't start clearing until I got out of that situation. So that's the interpretation of the No Contact rule.

Interestingly enough, the flip side of the equation is that the person who dumps you sometimes wants to continue the friendship. They liked you but didn't love you. And this makes it worse and confusing for the dumpee. And it gives them false hope for a reconciliation. And sometimes it does lead to getting back together or ex sex. You can watch Woody Allen's "Annie Hall" for a lesson in that. But a lot of the time the same forces that broke the couple up the first time breaks the couple up again. And it causes a lot of depression once again. I've been there too.

So the best general advice is after a break up, to go No Contact and move on. Go from denial to acceptance and use No Contact to not look back.

How long have you dated? LDRs are very difficult. How did you meet? Did one of you move away for work/school? You need to be honest with yourself about why she ended things and how that relates to LDRs. This isn't about varying degrees of contact to get someone back. Unless you both have a mutual desire to move to each other, LDRs are just too lonely and frustrating.

a few months of an LDR (saw each other in person multiple times).

It's not NC if you have contact! When people break up it should be considered over. Going NC lets you get over the person, take time for yourself, get your head together so you can move on to another relationship. Why keep in contact if you have broken up? You are slowing down your own healing process.

I get you are hoping for reconciliation. It's perfectly natural. Remember, when someone leaves us behind it's rarely an impulsive decision. It's one that she has likely been considering for some time and put a great deal of thought into it. That unfortunately is working against you.

What will also work against you is the idle friendly chit chat. You have just demoted yourself to her friend in the hopes you can change her mind. Honestly, if I break up with a man and he continues to reach out to me in this way, I lose respect for him. My respect goes up if he leaves on a high note and doesn't want any contact with me. I respect that he has enough self esteem to put himself first and do what's right by him, given the situation. He's not going to waste his valuable time trying to lure me out of my carefully considered decision.

Lastly, if she can have easy access to you at a reduced capacity, where exactly is the motivation to return to you?

Trust that she knows how you feel about her. Trust that if she changes her mind, she'll know where to find you. And lastly, if she cared enough she wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

Head high.

Thanks so much for the replies, everyone.

I think subconsciously I knew from the start that NC would be the only way (I've done NC before but I've never been the dumpee) and I just needed to work through the stages of grief.

... and I do realize now that the thread subject was a bit contradictory...

That said, I'm considering sending a message stating my intent and to wish her well. So, next dilemma... it would be how I'd respond if I heard from her, but if I just plain don't ever hear from her, is this message even necessary? I guess I'd just feel a little better knowing we're both for sure on the same page.

What "intent"? She knows your contact info and if she wanted to reconcile, she would message you. The more you pester her, the more desperate and unattractive you appear.

I'm considering sending a message stating my intent and to wish her well. So, next dilemma... it would be how I'd respond if I heard from her, but if I just plain don't ever hear from her, is this message even necessary? I guess I'd just feel a little better knowing we're both for sure on the same page.

I don't believe that NC is the solution for everything. Sometimes very limited contact can be therapeutic but it has to be done when you are at your strongest and not at your weakest. Also understand that any contact with your X is going to affect you. You will analyze, dissect, decode, decipher everything your X said so you must avoid doing that and just accept what was said and dont try to find meaning behind it. Also if you are going to pick up the phone and contact her and your heart beat rises and your anxiety levels rise, then maybe you shouldn't talk to your X.

NC is a great tool and its the most popular tool but its only one in a tool box of healing. Cant build a house only using a hammer right? Its going to be hard to heal when you only use NC.

So if Limited contact works for you, then try it, but know the drawbacks to it and if you feel sad after talking to your X, then you maybe shouldn't be talking to them until you are really ready to.

recently got broken up with after a few months of an LDR

That is about it, really.

Making an LDR work is an extraordinary thing. Don't sweat it.

I don't believe that NC is the solution for everything. Sometimes very limited contact can be therapeutic but it has to be done when you are at your strongest and not at your weakest. Also understand that any contact with your X is going to affect you. You will analyze, dissect, decode, decipher everything your X said so you must avoid doing that and just accept what was said and dont try to find meaning behind it. Also if you are going to pick up the phone and contact her and your heart beat rises and your anxiety levels rise, then maybe you shouldn't talk to your X.

 

NC is a great tool and its the most popular tool but its only one in a tool box of healing. Cant build a house only using a hammer right? Its going to be hard to heal when you only use NC.

 

So if Limited contact works for you, then try it, but know the drawbacks to it and if you feel sad after talking to your X, then you maybe shouldn't be talking to them until you are really ready to.

Thanks No1! I have an overactive mind as it is, so I know that effect will be amplified when and if I have contact. It was definitely happening in the few times we talked after the split.

Anyway in light of that I know I definitely need to shut things down for a time. I guess I felt like since we agreed to stay in touch, doing a full stop was dishonest, hence why I was thinking of sending another message. But I haven't had contact in awhile so right now there's nothing to shut down. We know how to find one another on the Other Side one day maybe.

But I haven't had contact in awhile so right now there's nothing to shut down. We know how to find one another on the Other Side one day maybe.

Focus on that.

If it becomes problematic, deal with it then.

In the meantime your questions feel like you are looking for reason to crack open a door.

Just leave it be and carry on

Head high