Why did my ex message me saying he's in town and then ignore my reply?

Hey,

My ex messaged me yesterday morning saying he's in town. I replied with a casual oh cool :) and he read it and never replied back. Why did he do this? I put this question in the dating section because with him, even though he's an ex he still has tried to keep in touch several times and it feels like it's never over with him.

Before this we hadn't spoken for months but we had seen each other once since the break up. On that occasion, I was giving his second phone back to him (he used it for music) while he popped into my city. He was on working holiday and moving around a lot to complete his required days of work to get a 2nd year visa in my country. We had quite a good time together that day, I felt the connection was still there. He was acting affectionate like he used to. Then after I got into my car to drive home he messaged asking me all these questions like why didn't I suggest that we eat dinner together, how is my life going, when will I be going on holiday to the city he is moving to.

Since we hit it off I had always hoped we'd see each other again, so of course I was a bit excited when I saw his message yesterday, but when he didn't reply yesterday I felt like, oh, is this guy breadcrumbing me, is he flaky? I don't really like him anymore because it hurt and felt like he doesn't actually care about me.

But I just wanted to ask, because I don't really understand this behaviour.

Well, he might have thought better of meeting up with you, especially because of everything that has happened in your relationship in the past. Sometimes it's best not to dredge up old memories.

Do you mean he gave second thought to messaging me?

It's highly common for an ex to make contact when he wants a booty call without the attachments of a real relationship. Since you didn't suggest to get together, he decided not to pursue. I'm assuming he was the dumper. Tell him for closure it's best for him to delete your number, since it gets you back to square one where he's on your mind and you're taking the time to post on forums about him instead of moving forward in your life.

He knows you want to see him and are free to entertain him.

My ex messaged me yesterday morning saying he's in town. We had quite a good time together that day, I felt the connection was still there. He was acting affectionate like he used to. Since we hit it off I had always hoped we'd see each other again, so of course I was a bit excited when I saw his message yesterday.

It seems odd to me that he'd be expecting ME to make the move. When I broke up with him, it's because he had stopped putting effort in and I said I deserved better.

This is funny because I've asked people for advice about the last time I met him, asking why didn't he just ask me for dinner rather than asking me why I didn't ask him... and they said that I didn't make a move. But how could I, as we had broken up and I felt it was due to him loving me less.

He might just have mentioned it as a heads-up in case he bumped into you. He's an ex. Don't place any value on it; if this was a relationship you'd be well advised to move on - and that's exactly what you need to do now. Don't even tell him you're blocking him for closure, just do it.

Why hang out with him rather than seek a real local bf? You broke up because he was acting lame. Why would that change?

He wanted sex and wanted you to make the move so he wouldn't feel guilty for disappearing afterwards.

Yes I have been wondering if this is the case.

But after hurting yesterday, I feel I've changed. I've lost a bit of respect for him for seeing me as an option, a doormat, and I'm sure if he messages me again I won't even reply.

Yes I have been wondering if this is the case.

 

But after hurting yesterday, I feel I've changed. I've lost a bit of respect for him for seeing me as an option, a doormat, and I'm sure if he messages me again I won't even reply.

Fabulous!!

Hey,

 

My ex messaged me yesterday morning saying he's in town. I replied with a casual oh cool :) and he read it and never replied back. Why did he do this?

he messaged asking me all these questions like why didn't I suggest that we eat dinner together, how is my life going, when will I be going on holiday to the city he is moving to.

 

.

Seeing that he asked all these questions after meeting him the last time, I suspect he threw out some bait and then sat back hoping you would do all the work.

After all if it's all your idea, he can't be held responsible for the outcome.

That makes sense.

Is it normal for me to feel angry at him for doing this? I feel he's a real jerk for doing this.

You broke up with him because he wasn't putting in effort. He continues to not put in effort outside of the relationship but attempts to keep you as an option. Stop replying to this waste of time and focus on meeting someone new. My guess is he's not going to suddenly become who you want him to be.

And yes, it's okay to be angry that he's doing this. It does make him a jerk.

 

Is it normal for me to feel angry at him for doing this? I feel he's a real jerk for doing this.

Nah, I wouldn't be wasting my energy being angry at him.

Better to feel proud of yourself for not taking the bait!

That makes sense.

 

Is it normal for me to feel angry at him for doing this? I feel he's a real jerk for doing this.

Of course. But at the same time you don't know his intentions.

For me, being angry takes a toll on me. I better have really good reason.

I wouldn't let him have that much power over you to even register a reaction.

Shrug it off. Anything else is waste of time.

I admit, if he had suggested meeting up yesterday, I WOULD have taken the bait. But now after he didn't reply and I realised I'm an option to him, not even one he cares much for, I will NOT take the bait in the future. :(

Thanks for that reinventmyself, that's a great perspective :)

I think the reason I'm angry is not because he's being a jerk (I am seeing more and more that this is a problem with him not me and I can just avoid guys like this). It's because this makes me question our relationship. I I feel it means that that he never really cared for me in the relationship, if he's this type of person.

Exactly. You broke up with him for a reason, so don't be his entertainment when he pops into town. You're no longer in a relationship, so don't allow drive-bys.

I think the reason I'm angry is not because he's being a jerk. I am seeing more and more that this is a problem with him not me and I can just avoid guys like this.

I feel it means that that he never really cared for me in the relationship, if he's this type of person.

I'm guessing he cared as much for you as he's capable of caring for anyone; don't beat yourself up about it. He's behaving now in pretty much the same way as he did when you were together; some people just can't maintain relationships where they need to be consistently emotionally present to another person.

We all set out in relationships with lots of warmth and optimism, and it takes a while to find out where we and the other person are truly at. He's had plenty of chances with you, and now you need to let him go. I'm also guessing that he meant all those suggestions when he actually wrote them, but was then unable to follow through.

This is nothing to do with you. It doesn't invalidate the fact that you were sincere, and willing, and wanted the best for the relationship. Now you need to get past him and find someone who wants what you've got to give.

To be honest though, I think part of me also felt like I'm ok with a casual hookup. I find him very attractive and still had feelings for him and felt like hey it's fun and I knew I didn't want more than that (a relationship) because he didn't offer what I need in a good relationship. So that's why I always replied. But there's also a conflicting feeling that he doesn't care and is a jerk etc.

If you were really OK with a casual hookup, you wouldn't be feeling upset about all this right now. Be honest with yourself, and protect your feelings by not getting hooked into situations which you will find painful. If you were really OK with a casual hookup, you wouldn't mind if he were a jerk who didn't care - because neither would you.

I feel like it's ok to casually hook up, as long as the other person still respects you. If that makes sense. I feel it's not ok if they don't have an ounce of care about you and just want to use your body, there's still gotta be a little bit of a connection between the two of us. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm not okay with casual hookups.

 

I feel he's a real jerk for doing this.

kaya, I think it’s unhealthy to have this mindset. In your RL, he gave what he had, it wasn’t enough, you ended it, the end.

In this case, he was in town, he obviously wanted to see you (for sex or whatever) and threw out bait to see if you would bite.

He didn’t lie to you or mislead you. In fact, to the contrary, he was careful to NOT mislead you, which is why he left it up to YOU to make the call whether to see him or not.

I am not quite getting how this equals him being a jerk. It just makes him a man who doesn’t want what you want, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Had he misled you by making a plan to see you, talking about possible reconciliation, had sex with you and then disappeared, THAT would make him a jerk.

Yes you are/were an option, but so what? We are all options until we meet the person we want to go the distance with, or attempt to. Just because he didn't want that with you, again does not mean he's a jerk.

Here, it was your choice whether or not to accept being an option, you didn’t, so never followed up.

Be proud of yourself for that, and stop wasting energy thinking he’s a jerk.

It just serves no good purpose and fosters distrust, bitterness and resentment which will negatively affect all your dating experiences.

I feel confused because I feel half of people that have given me advice on this (friends, people on forums, etc) are saying I took the bait and he knows I am a doormat to him, while half are saying I haven't shown enough interest and so he couldn't pursue...

I just feel something isn't right about him saying "I'm in (my city)" and then he doesn't pursue things further when I gave a friendly reply. He should've said "can I see you" or something after my reply if he really wanted to see me. He didn't give me much of anything to work with. I don't feel my reply was showing I wasn't interested, and it made me feel that he wanted to leave the option open to hook up with me, then changed his mind.