Can't take my stepbrother's behavior anymore

TL:DR - my brother is behaving passive aggressively after I withdrew when he told me he was cheating on his wife.

I was going through a rough patch for a while and my stepbrother gave me some assistance and let me stay in his family home for a while. I was a mess, but I picked myself up, and moved out. He was practically caring but he's never really been emotionally available.

Then he comes to stay with me one weekend and he's freaking out because he says his partner is going crazy on him and thinks he's having an affair. I talk with him all weekend and then they decide to get marriage counselling. then I hear that he has decided not to go, but she has continued with the therapy. then a month later he drunkenly lets slip that she isn't crazy at all, and he is actually having an affair!

I'm shocked and don't know how to respond. He is allowing someone to have mental health care rather than admit he is lying to them.

I am avoidant, and so I backed off and tried to separate a little, but it just made it worse. I didn't answer a few texts, said my phone was broken. Because it was just too overwhelming to deal with, and I was trying to get my life in order.

Well..... that seems to have hit a nerve, because now the last six months he has got really passive aggressive, and now every time we speak he says, "get back to you in a couple of days" and then a few weeks later he texts me "every ok with you?" It's been going on for months.

I haven't been direct, but I don't know what to say. He's much older than me, he's really helped me out. But then this thing he did seemed so dark that it really shook me, and now I'm stuck in this weird passive aggressive power and control game that makes no sense. I have no faith that he will be able to talk honestly and openly. I just want to set a clear boundary and get some distance so he will just stop texting me "are you ok" after terrorising me, but I have no idea what to say when the passive aggression is so sneaky and confusing.

Why not just tell him that what he is doing is against a very fundamental personal boundary of yours and until he ends his affair or his marriage, you can't be involved in any way?

With people like him, you have to have boundaries in place and you enforce them when they try to knock them down. You can let him know of your boundary without being aggressive but you may very well have to be assertive.

Frankly, I'd just tell him to fix his Sh** and leave me out of it. If he got passive aggressive with me, I'd let him know about it toot sweet and to give it a rest. (in so many words)

W haven't spoken about the affair for two years. I just tried to forget about it. A friend told me to not get involved because it could very well end up with the couple joining ranks against me. I don't want to get involved. But my avoidant behavior seems to have insulted him and now he's just doing this thing.

It's like HE's punishing me for my actions. Like "how would you like it if I was unreliable", but it just completely ignores the fact that what he told me was so messed up. But nothing is spoken about it, it's a total cold war, like whoever blinks first and admits there:s an issue is going to lose (which incidentally is the story of my childhood). If you get emotional, you lose.

Invite him over for dinner then and pretend nothing is amiss. I'm not sure what to tell you. His extra marital behaviour is abhorrent and I'd be avoiding him anyway and be happy he's gone. I'd simply reply to his "everything okay" with a "Yep, thanks."

I would have just been honest instead of playing games (you accuse him of being not emotionally available - yet you are doing worse to him.) He accuses you of being unreliable and yet you ARE - you lie that your phone is broken and you have totally blanked him for months. I would have lunch or otherwise get together with him to reestablish some relationship with him and you can tell him - if not that time but soon after "i am sorry i was avoiding you. I just didn't know what to do after the last time i saw you. I don't know if you remember, but you got kinda drunk and said something..." Stop the childhood issues and the standoffs. Just start being real

I really want to follow your advices but I am so terrified of being vulnerable in this situation, because it always seems to end with me apologising and yet feeling completely unheard. But I have to do something. I want to have that meal and settle it. I am trying. But as I said, every time I try to arrange something: "get back to you in a couple of days", then two weeks to a month later: "everything ok with you?"

I really want to follow your advices but I am so terrified of being vulnerable in this situation, because it always seems to end with me apologising and yet feeling completely unheard. But I have to do something. I want to have that meal and settle it. I am trying. But as I said, every time I try to arrange something: "get back to you in a couple of days", then two weeks to a month later: "everything ok with you?"

Say "still up for lunch. just hit me up when you have some free time" and leave it at that. If he says he will get back with you in a few days, text him a week later. And don't put any more thought into it. I think you are deciding that everything is so loaded. DOn't strive to be "heard" - to unload your whole childhood on him.

i hear you. It's a very disorienting situation - but a friend said the same thing: the more I say, the more ammunition I give the other person .

I really want to follow your advices but I am so terrified of being vulnerable in this situation, because it always seems to end with me apologising and yet feeling completely unheard. But I have to do something. I want to have that meal and settle it. I am trying. But as I said, every time I try to arrange something: "get back to you in a couple of days", then two weeks to a month later: "everything ok with you?"

Do this: Text him "come for dinner on Friday"

If he says get back to you then tell him it's okay. If you don't know now, then call me when you're available. Then don't bother with him anymore and if he sends you a "everything okay with you" send him a "hows your wife"

i hear you. It's a very disorienting situation - but a friend said the same thing: the more I say, the more ammunition I give the other person .

Don't listen to your dramatic friend. "they just opened a new taco place. Call me when you want to go" is less "ammo" than silence and dropping off the face of the earth. I had an ex-in-law who always jumped on me (verbally) and one day i realized that i was part of the problem- i was expecting and bracing for a fight every time i saw her even though i was on the defensive end. Stop playing this chess game. sometimes people are busy. And he might prioritize his bestie over you if someone else calls first. if he doesn't take you up, ask someone else to go. And rinse and repeat. you are feeding off the drama, too. If he asks if you are doing okay (a natural question if someone never responds to your texts), say "yes. Its been too long. do you want to catch up over tacos/coffee/shooting hoops/cake/whatever it is that you guys like" You can even see him in a group setting.

Sooner or later you have to stand in your own shoes.

Cheaters/liars are forever looking for persons to reaffirm their broken brains.

Surprisingly, what they get from their own kind doesn't help at all.

That's why he pursues you and other honorable persons.

You/others refusing to lower yourselves gives him some quick justification, but it quickly wears off and they must begin a new search. ( That is, negative justification.)

In other words, you're not going to avoid him wrecking your relationship.

So instead of letting him pulling you down, tell him you don't like what he's become, and until he changes, not to call or come around.

He may someday hit rock bottom and then climb back up to you, or he may not.

Regardless, you will have preserved your integrity. With yourself, him, his wife, the mistress and all involved.

I think you should apologize. You HAVE been doing wrong by just passive aggressively slinking away without a word.

In your shoes, I’d just be honest.

“Hey - I’m really sorry that I’ve been so distant and flakey lately. I know that’s not right. I’ve really been struggling about your drunken confession and I don’t know what to do with those emotions”.

At the end of the day, I think you need to make a decision. All this business with his wife and the cheating, etc - this is really his business, not yours. You can’t control or modify his behavior. Either you have to decide that it’s against your moral code and properly walk away until he fixes it (which is perfectly reasonable) - or - as your step-brother - you decide to love him unconditionally (which is not the same thing as agreeing with his behavior). You tell him he’s a doofus and that he’s doing wrong - you wash your hands of the situation and tell him you don’t want to hear about it - but you carry on with your relationship regardless.

In the case of a friend, I’d probably do #1 (walk away). For me, personally, in the case of family, I would probably do #2 (tell him he’s a jerk and doing wrong but then stay out of it/ verrrry far away from it)

But NOT expressing your feelings and making a decision on how you are going to handle it puts you in the wrong, in my opinion.

Stay out of it.

A friend told me to not get involved because it could very well end up with the couple joining ranks against me

stop texting me "are you ok" after terrorising me

How, exactly, has he terrorized you?

Being terrorised I mean that he says he's going to contact me, then doesn't. Being left hanging in this way, is a very old gambit that I thought had disappeared with adulthood.

History tells me if I challenge him on why he hasn't contacted me, he will make some bland excuse, then keep doing the same thing again. Eventually I will be so emotionally compromised by this behavior that I won't be able to think straight, and I'll end up looking like the crazy one. It's a really familiar game, and it makes me feel so helpless. I'm the crazy one, so no one's going to believe me, just like his wife is crazy.

I want to stay out of it. I am trying to get in touch with him and be face to face when we have the discussion, rather than trying to confront the issue over text or phone. But he keeps leaving me waiting around. I agree my behavior has also been not good, and I just want to rectify it but not fall into the usual trap of feeling like I'm the only one with the problem. Which is how it has ended up so often in the past.

I've just been in a much more vulnerable state with depression the last couple of years, and so this is somehow far more distracting and frustrating that it would otherwise be, combined with the really shocking psychological betrayal of his wife.

I will contact him, I just need some kind of fool-proof script that can't get turned around on me. I can't bear the thought of another interaction where I'm left feeling worse than when I started.

Being terrorised I mean that he says he's going to contact me, then doesn't. B

Adults get busy. And he might have the best of intentions. It doesn't mean he is going to call you in a day. It might be farther off on his radar. And when someone catches me doing 12 things - i sometimes forget.

History tells me if I challenge him on why he hasn't contacted me, he will make some bland excuse, then keep doing the same thing again

Asking someone "hey, where've you been" is not challenging someone. In fact, you don't have to ask at all. Just either make another attempt to schedule lunch with him - or don't. What about occasionally sending him a funny article or joke that you think he would also find funny? in otherwords, periodically keep up some communication on your end that doesn't require a confrontation -- (and don't make it something about you want him to change. that's passive aggressive) .Something that doesn't require a response, but it avoids him wondering if you dropped off the earth.

I will contact him, I just need some kind of fool-proof script that can't get turned around on me. I can't bear the thought of another interaction where I'm left feeling worse than when I started.

I really think therapy will help you because you are a bit paranoid and imagining worst case scenarios and assigning motives to casual conversation. If you feel so bad that he says "i'll be in touch" and he is not immediately in touch -- you sound suspicious of everyone and everything. take things at face value. If i say to a friend "hey, are you okay?" because they have not texted me back in a month -- i am genuinely concerned of their welfare. if you feel confronted because someone cares about you - you need to do some personal work.

Nothing you have said about your stepbrother makes me think he is abusive towards you, or is "emotionally unavailable" - he is an adult male who is doing his own thing and while he's your brother, he does nto consider you his best friend in this world. There is a lot you can do to have a better relationship if you drop your suspicion and paranoa.

It would be best for you to step way back from this in every way. He told you about his wife,in confidence now leave it and let them fix it. Do not give or ask for advice, or continually confront him when he doesn't respond. You are doing this to yourself. Just stop.

History tells me if I challenge him on why he hasn't contacted me, he will make some bland excuse, then keep doing the same thing again.

I will contact him, I just need some kind of fool-proof script that can't get turned around on me.

It would be best for you to step way back from this in every way. He told you about his wife,in confidence now leave it and let them fix it. Do not give or ask for advice, or continually confront him when he doesn't respond. You are doing this to yourself. Just stop.

I agree. But simply avoiding his brother instead of keeping the convo superficial/light - enough so brother doesn't send out a search party for him - just creates more drama

I don't think I'm paranoid about his behavior, I know what's going on. I know how this power game works in my family. But we were distant for a long time because of the age gap, and then also because we were never that close. But in relation to my recent depression we suddenly sparked up a sort of relationship. So I'm seeing him in more detail than I ever did before.

I did take his responses at face value... for the first six months. Now I am trying to find an appropriate response. I think that keeping it light is good, but getting the search party off my back is also the perfect metaphor. that's the frustrating thing though, wanting contact and yet not wanting a 'need to make sure you're ok' vibe which feels objectifying. But living life feels like the best advice.

Being terrorised I mean that he says he's going to contact me, then doesn't.

Oh, c'mOn. I'd watch the dramatic language you use in your own head. You're stoking yourself up for no reason.

If you want straightforward contact, then initiate it and maintain your side of that. You're setting yourself up to believe that your ability to control someone else is a reasonable platform in the first place. It is not.

When we want consistently, we can behave consistently in our own lives. When we encounter someone else who doesn't do that, we get to decide how much of a relationship we want to have with that person. It makes no sense to claim to want a relationship only to sabotage it with dramatics that don't serve you in any way.

It would be much better to talk to a doctor/therapist then try to extract whatever you need out of this strained situation. Also a professional could help you and help you feel better.

in relation to my recent depression we suddenly sparked up a sort of relationship.

I don't think I'm paranoid about his behavior, I know what's going on. I know how this power game works in my family. But we were distant for a long time because of the age gap, and then also because we were never that close. But in relation to my recent depression we suddenly sparked up a sort of relationship. So I'm seeing him in more detail than I ever did before.

 

I did take his responses at face value... for the first six months. Now I am trying to find an appropriate response. I think that keeping it light is good, but getting the search party off my back is also the perfect metaphor. that's the frustrating thing though, wanting contact and yet not wanting a 'need to make sure you're ok' vibe which feels objectifying. But living life feels like the best advice.

you didn't take him at face value because you told us you didn't do so. Why is it objectifying for someone to make sure you are okay?? you may not want to admit it, but your brother cares about you -- even if there is an age gap and you didn't grow up together for the whole time. I have cousins that are a 10 year age gap, and i still am concerned with them if i don't run into them at family parties, see anything on social media, etc, -- i want to make sure they are ok. If someone asks you if you are okay you say "yes. thanks for asking."or "no. i have been down lately' or "things are so crazy around here getting this work project done"

I'm clear I don't want a relationship with him. I want to keep it really distant. I want to not feel so distracted and put on the back foot every time he contacts me.

I'm clear I don't want a relationship with him. I want to keep it really distant. I want to not feel so distracted and put on the back foot every time he contacts me.

Well -- that's very sad that you don't want a relationship with your brother. Its one thing to not pursue and initiate a close relationship - but to completely ignore someone's calls hoping they will just go away is not a way to live. Honestly, you should have a relationship where you can see eachother at family birthdays and he is none the wiser that you are not on cordial terms. I highly suggest you get some professional help, here. And get it soon.

We don't have any situation where family birthdays occur and we live far away from each other. I agree that we should not feel out of contact. I don't want to burn bridges, but nor do I want to feel we need to be in regular contact because it is so disregulating, especially at the moment.