New situation

Hei everyone!

I'll provide more context as soon as I have more time, but in general do you think that inviting someone to your place on the 4th/5th date, providing that you don't want to get physical yet, can be too soon and a mistake? Should I express to that person before they come that I don't want to get physical yet in case he has that expectation? Or should I express it at the date itself if it comes to that? Should inviting someone home in the early stages of dating be avoided if we don't want to get physical yet?

For financial and practical reasons the date will be at my place but I feel that it's too soon to get physical yet despite feeling attracted and we getting along extremely well so far. We have work early next day, so it's not like we're spending the night together.

I know I should already know all this stuff but I haven't dated in a very long time and I didn't have these dilemmas when I used to date. But now I want to enforce and respect my boundaries and get to know the person really well before "going all the way".

I'm ready for some tough love from y'all.

I've been to a man's home and they've been to mine in the early stages and nothing happened. I would be lying if it didn't cross my mind and I was concerned about the message I was giving by agreeing to it. Let's face it, 5 to 6 dates and it's going to cross both your minds.

I guess it boils down to how I felt about their character. If I felt at all uncomfortable or thought I might be in a compromising position, I wouldn't have agreed to it. If I felt I needed to say that out loud, I might not have agreed to it either.

I suppose I knew them well enough and trusted my gut that if it did come up it would be an uneventful moment and easily dealt with without any awkwardness. I am told I am a little standoffish to begin with so I guess I am not pressed in these ways very often.

This one's on you. How do you feel with him? Do you feel safe and respected? If the subject did come up how do you think you'd both handle it?

I have many times and had a simple direct conversation "I'd love to have you over and I'm not ready to have sex yet". Always was fine with the men who were comfortable waiting or wanted to wait.

I think it'll be all right as long as you tell the guy it has to be an early night (hint, hint). And probably don't do a lot of cuddling, no laying on a bed, no compromising activities, loosening of clothes, etc. You want to make sure kissing and petting doesn't get out of control. I think a lot of guys will think that by the 4th or 5th date the relationship will be leading to sex, but you have to make it clear that it won't.

If you think the guy's going to try something, then don't bring him home. Go for a walk around a park or something. Here in Boston, you could take a walk around the Charles River, or through the Rose Kennedy Greenway. You could walk along the Waterfront or watch the boats in Boston Harbor. You could spend hours at the Museum of Fine Arts, the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum or the Science Museum. I'm sure you have similar places where you live. And it doesn't cost that much.

Thank you for the replies.

I still don't know this man very well yet. We've had these dates in the course of 2 weeks. We talked for hours on each date and he was very respectful. We only kissed for the first time on the last date. I don't know if I should express how I feel about getting physical before or if it gets to that point respectfully telling him that I'm enjoying very much being with him but I need more time to get to that stage.

Thank you for the replies.

 

I still don't know this man very well yet. We've had these dates in the course of 2 weeks. We talked for hours on each date and he was very respectful. We only kissed for the first time on the last date. I don't know if I should express how I feel about getting physical before or if it gets to that point respectfully telling him that I'm enjoying very much being with him but I need more time to get to that stage.

What stage? You can be alone in one of your homes without having sex. I had many sleepovers with no sex. All was well because he knew where I stood and most of the time that worked perfectly well for him too. Loved spending that kind of time together as things got more serious.

I think it'll be all right as long as you tell the guy it has to be an early night (hint, hint). And probably don't do a lot of cuddling, no laying on a bed, no compromising activities, loosening of clothes, etc. You want to make sure kissing and petting doesn't get out of control. I think a lot of guys will think that by the 4th or 5th date the relationship will be leading to sex, but you have to make it clear that it won't.

 

If you think the guy's going to try something, then don't bring him home. Go for a walk around a park or something. Here in Boston, you could take a walk around the Charles River, or through the Rose Kennedy Greenway. You could walk along the Waterfront or watch the boats in Boston Harbor. You could spend hours at the Museum of Fine Arts, the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum or the Science Museum. I'm sure you have similar places where you live. And it doesn't cost that much.

I'd love to go for a walk but it's freezing in here and the weather is very bad. But I'll do as you say and don't do anything very "compromising". It has to be an early night because we both work next day.

I don't know, he took 3 dates to kiss me at the end of the date. If I'm going through that I'd think he won't try, but at the same time at 4th/5th date, having kissed and flirted (never sexual) it could be "implied" lol

I'd love to go for a walk but it's freezing in here and the weather is very bad. But I'll do as you say and don't do anything very "compromising". It has to be an early night because we both work next day.

 

I don't know, he took 3 dates to kiss me at the end of the date. If I'm going through that I'd think he won't try, but at the same time at 4th/5th date, having kissed and flirted (never sexual) it could be "implied" lol

You must discuss it -briefly and unapologetically -before hand. Otherwise he will get the impression that is what you want. I made that mistake once -we'd been dating for months and only kissed. I asked him if I could crash at his place (for practical reasons) and he assumed I was ready to have sex. He was REALLY nice about it but obviously I unintentionally led him on.

What stage? You can be alone in one of your homes without having sex. I had many sleepovers with no sex. All was well because he knew where I stood and most of the time that worked perfectly well for him too. Loved spending that kind of time together as things got more serious.

The stage of having sex. I also don't feel comfortable with sleeping together (even if without sex) yet.

Did you tell him before the home date where you stood?

The stage of having sex. I also don't feel comfortable with sleeping together (even if without sex) yet.

Did you tell him before the home date where you stood?

Yes -I wrote that. It's also fine if you don't want a sleepover. Have a movie night, kiss some or whatever you want and then kiss goodbye. But yes tell him matter of factly in advance.

You must discuss it -briefly and unapologetically -before hand. Otherwise he will get the impression that is what you want. I made that mistake once -we'd been dating for months and only kissed. I asked him if I could crash at his place (for practical reasons) and he assumed I was ready to have sex. He was REALLY nice about it but obviously I unintentionally led him on.

That's my issue... I don't know how to say it (even worse, on his language properly lol ) and I don't even know if he expects to have sex with me or not lol

There is nothing wrong with just blurting it out in a positive way.

"just so there aren't any awkward moments, I wanted to get this out of the way and let you know that I am not one that has sex early on. I didn't want you feeling uncomfortable, so I just thought I'd throw it out there"

There is nothing wrong with just blurting it out in a positive way.

 

"just so there aren't any awkward moments, I wanted to get this out of the way and let you know that I am not one that has sex early on. I didn't want you feeling uncomfortable, so I just thought I'd throw it out there"

I think I'll say that tomorrow. If he loses interest in me just because of that, it's his problem.

It says a lot (in a negative way) about me the fact that being honest about my boundaries beforehand makes me so nervous. But I'm really trying not to make the same mistakes again and maintain my boundaries, something I didn't use to do so much in the past.

I think I'll say that tomorrow. If he loses interest in me just because of that, it's his problem.

 

It says a lot (in a negative way) about me the fact that being honest about my boundaries beforehand makes me so nervous. .

I used to be as well. Years ago I would have been so nervous saying something like this. Now after having done so and holding onto other boundaries, what I have learned is men respect me more. And along with that respect, they became more attracted. My efforts were rewarded.

Now, I don't think twice about it.

And you are right, if it makes him bail. . good to find out now, rather than 5 more dates from now.

It frees you up to find someone who values you more and is willing to take the time to get to know you. Just believe you deserve it!

good luck!

Let us know how it goes.

I used to be as well. Years ago I would have been so nervous saying something like this. Now after having done so and holding onto other boundaries, what I have learned is men respect me more. And along with that respect, they became more attracted. My efforts were rewarded.

Now, I don't think twice about it.

 

And you are right, if it makes him bail. . good to find out now, rather than 5 more dates from now.

 

It frees you up to find someone who values you more and is willing to take the time to get to know you. Just believe you deserve it!

 

good luck!

Let us know how it goes.

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this and I feel much less "nervous" now.

I need to remind myself that dating is to evaluate if the person is the right person and vice versa and to get to know better. It's better finding out it's not a good match sooner than later. And I also need to remind myself of my worth.

In a not so distant past I'd be doing things I didn't fully feel comfortable and regretting later. I don't want that anymore!

That's my issue... I don't know how to say it (even worse, on his language properly lol ) and I don't even know if he expects to have sex with me or not lol

I wrote it above. "I'm really looking forward to ___ night and just figured I should let you know I'm not ready to have sex yet". It's ok if he doesn't expect it - better to get it out in the open than have an awkward situation once you're alone. Oh and stay sober.

I wrote it above. "I'm really looking forward to ___ night and just figured I should let you know I'm not ready to have sex yet". It's ok if he doesn't expect it - better to get it out in the open than have an awkward situation once you're alone. Oh and stay sober.

Thanks, ill send him a message tomorrow and you're right, it'd be more awkward rejecting his advances at the date itself.

I think that saying it that way doesn't convey the message of me not being attracted to him or putting him on the friendzone lol. I'm attracted and interested, just need some time.

Thanks, ill send him a message tomorrow and you're right, it'd be more awkward rejecting his advances at the date itself.

I think that saying it that way doesn't convey the message of me not being attracted to him or putting him on the friendzone lol. I'm attracted and interested, just need some time.

I would not send him a message. Tell him. In person or on the phone. Typing it is a bad idea IMO. Of course it has nothing to do with attraction or friendzoning. I really don't get it. How in the world would he think you just want to be friends, just because you're not ready to have intercourse yet? Or not attracted? If he thinks that then he is not on the same wavelength as you.

 

How in the world would he think you just want to be friends, just because you're not ready to have intercourse yet? Or not attracted? If he thinks that then he is not on the same wavelength as you.

B, you might be very surprised how many men DO think just that! I've heard it from plenty of them, at my meet up support group last year, and on forums such as this, AND from my own brothers (not all of them but a couple).

After 4-5 dates, when a woman tells a man she's "not ready" to have sex, some men will mistakenly interpret that as meaning her attraction level is not where it should be. And in some cases will actually stop seeing her! They take it as rejection.

I am NOT suggesting that this is right or fair, it's not, but it is how some men think believe it or not.

B, you might be very surprised how many men DO think just that! I've heard it from plenty of them, at my meet up support group last year, and on forums such as this, AND from my own brothers (not all of them but a couple).

 

When a woman tells a man she's "not ready" to have sex, some men will mistakenly interpret that as meaning her attraction level is not where it should be. And in some cases will actually stop seeing her! They take it as rejection.

 

I am NOT suggesting that this is right or fair, it's not, but it is how some men think believe it or not.

Exactly. I was basing my "fear" on this. I've also read it on forums or heard it from guy friends.

I've also read and heard that sometimes they think the woman is playing games (which is ridiculous and shows a level of entitlement lol)

Just to chime in here as a man.

I often have these same exact jitters at the 4th/5th date mark, and I'm certainly not alone in this. The home invite has come up—maybe mine, maybe hers—and while I of course wouldn't mind some advancing in the physical direction, sex feels too early, too soon.

For a long time I kind of took the quiet road, trying to establish the boundary naturally, sort of by being a bit cool, and frankly hoping I'd get the same vibe and/or assertion from the woman. In other words, that moment when a woman says, "Whew—this is great, you're great, but..." comes as a kind of relief.

But sometimes I'd feel pressure to do more than I was ready for—because, you know, I'm a dude and I'm supposed to be the always-ready one. And maybe she kind of felt the same. We all, or a lot of us, know what too-soon sex is like: not the worst, but kind of a buzzkill.

Anyhow, not being a fan of the buzzkill, I have no problem with a quick, light assertion of where I stand, and always respect the same from a woman. It doesn't have to be some text message beforehand, but when if and when things start to get physical. Just a little heads up.

Can't imagine he wouldn't be cool with that, from what you've said. And if he's not—um, bye. But my guess is he'd likely be a bit relieved, his own nerves calmed and all the more excited for the next date.

Agree with bluecastle Annia. State your boundaries and if he's not cool with that or otherwise has some pre-conceived idea in his head that your not being ready means your attraction level isn't where it should be, um, yeah buh-bye.

Also and JMO of course, but since you're not ready to become sexual yet, best to keep your dates outside the house.

This avoids the awkwardness of having to state your sexual boundaries in the first place or the temptation it presents of being home alone with a man you are attracted to!

I know for me, when I am attracted, that temptation would be too great, so if I feel it's too soon to become sexual, our dates are outside the house.

These early dating experiences should be light and fun!

I don’t agree. I think after several dates it builds a nice bond to have evenings at home and sleepovers if you like. Of weekends away or vacations. With the honest and brief communication it should be fine. I waited months before having sex and in most of my serious relationships he either wanted to wait too or was more than fine with waiting. And we had sleepovers and vacations and lovely evenings st home. And we were sexual after a time but waited to have intercourse. Of course everyone is different and I think it’s a shame to miss out on those bonding and fun and intimate experiences just because you’re not ready to have sex

I did date one strange guy who wanted to stay over and knew I lived in a studio. He knew we weren’t going to have sex. And he was horrified that I thought we could cuddle a little in bed (we were not naked!). He stayed way over on the side. He’d talked about marriage on the second date and took me to meet his parents who owned a bridal store - at the store. I don’t make this stuff up. Other than that I had really good experiences with at home dates and vacations for months before we had sexual.

Also I think awkward conversations are part of dating sometimes and best to get used to it. I wasn’t awkward. I was straightforward and brief. Some reacted with surprise and most were happy at how simple and honestly I put it.

Obviously both should be comfortable !

I think this is only an issue of you make it one. I’ve had a third date at my home, I said in a light and friendly way nothing would be happening, he has no issue and we had a lovely time, at that point we hadn’t even kissed yet. Later on I asked why he took so long to kiss me he replied “ I wanted to that night we did dinner and a movie at your place but it didn’t feel right “

Like blue said, I think most men would actually feel uncomfortable pushing a set boundary, key word set boundary.

I mean absolutely no offense but the fact that this question is being asked tells me at best your boundaries are in the shaky area, in other words you aren’t quite sure how/when to set them, top it off with this idea you seem to have that ‘he won’t know I like him unless I give it up’, this date is a terrible idea, you seem unsure about yourself and I don’t mean that in an insulting way but having that mindset, I personally wouldn’t put myself in tempting situations.

Don’t give me the we can’t afford anything else line. You can hang out in a library if it’s that pressing this date happens. I personally don’t see the point of dating when my wallets bare but I’m someone who doesn’t view dating as a necessity.

I think this is only an issue of you make it one. I’ve had a third date at my home, I said in a light and friendly way nothing would be happening, he has no issue and we had a lovely time, at that point we hadn’t even kissed yet. Later on I asked why he took so long to kiss me he replied “ I wanted to that night we did dinner and a movie at your place but it didn’t feel right “

 

Like blue said, I think most men would actually feel uncomfortable pushing a set boundary, key word set boundary.

 

I mean absolutely no offense but the fact that this question is being asked tells me at best your boundaries are in the shaky area, in other words you aren’t quite sure how/when to set them, top it off with this idea you seem to have that ‘he won’t know I like him unless I give it up’, this date is a terrible idea, you seem unsure about yourself and I don’t mean that in an insulting way but having that mindset, I personally wouldn’t put myself in tempting situations.

 

Don’t give me the we can’t afford anything else line. You can hang out in a library if it’s that pressing this date happens. I personally don’t see the point of dating when my wallets bare but I’m someone who doesn’t view dating as a necessity.

No offence at all. I've admitted on this thread and on others that I used to have problems asserting my boundaries and that I'm still trying to get better at it. That's also why I chose to stay away from dating in general when I moved to this country because I was in a vulnerable position and didn't want to be with someone just out of loneliness or neediness. But now I feel ready and I'm enjoying this person.

I want to have this relaxing date at home and watching a movie but as I said, I still have some boundaries issues that I'm working through and that's the reason of this thread. It's more than about this situation in particular but also about setting and holding on through boundaries in general.