Jump to content

Ex came back to explain. I am so confuse. Please help!


airlee

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone.

 

I am so confuse but I want this man back badly but then I don't want to be included in his mess.

 

I'll make this as brief as I can.

 

So basically I went out with this guy in April this year. Got on really well..we had chemistry and we liked each other a lot.. we dated for 2mos. Last 2 weeks of that 2 mos, he was fading, we were taking things slow but it became too slow the communication wasn't there much, however, i constantly saw him online on WhatsApp, so..I ended it for reasons that he's communication was fading and I feel like I wasn't the only one, as it's only been 2mos that we were dating so he may be dating other people which I understands but for me, I know what I wanted and I made clear right at the beginning what I want so I don't want to be "one of his choices" How can we get to know each other if there are other people involve?! We parted in a good way, sad but had closure. We didn't have communication since then apart from July because I greeted him on his bday, after that greet, we didn't have communication. I Haven't message him and so did he.

 

So I've moved on, met up with other people but didn't really Date and it's been 5mos since we ended what we had, During that 5mos until now, I don't know why, but I'm sure I have feelings for this guy. I'm still hoping deep inside that somehow we're gonna get back together and I will see him somewhere cos we live in same area. I was only hoping but I knew it's not gonna happen.

 

Few days ago he messaged me and we met up for a drink, I thought it's just a friendly catch up and it didn't occur to me that he's gonna say something about us in the past as I wasn't planning to discuss about what happened to us either. To my surprised he explained himself about what happened before and said he still likes me, but not ready to date anyone Because he is in the stage of his life that he's not ready yet and would only start dating again when he is sure of himself so that he won't repeat again what he did before and will not hurt anyone. Now, this is making me confuse to why he would say as such because I wasn't showing any indication that I would want us to date again?

(Although deep inside I want us to date again) but he doesn't know that! I've kept it to myself.

 

I think he's sincere with his apology Because why would he bother after 5mos?

 

So the explanation was.

He felt that he owe me an explanation as he felt bad for hurting me and he was carrying that regret for 5mos.

He was sad when I ended it. He said that he didn't feel like he had to fight for me cos my reasons we're on point and true and that I have every right to feel what I felt, he didn't fight cos he knows that he was responsible to why I made that decision.

 

However, he told me that I could of have approached it differently by asking him rather cutting it out straight away?

My response was- it would be a pressure for him if I ask questions and plus will I get the true answer?

 

So reason he was fading.

Cos his ex that went traveling (which he briefly told me when we started dating) came back to London early. So he got sort of distracted. Too much drama apparently, then he met his friend that he hasn't seen for 3 yrs ( I think the 3 yrs friend who he hasn't seen was an excuse) so he's been busy and admitted that he did left me behind.

 

I asked if he is still with the girl, said they're not together anymore and that he really cared for her but he doesn't love her in a romantic way and that they will never be together for reasons that he can't disclose to me. I made a little joke friends with benefits? And said No. (as if he'll tell me right?!)

 

And he went on he likes me still and that he wanted what we had to continue.

But said I am very kind and I deserve someone better.

I said we can be friends, We can hang out along with our friends, he's responded.. he'd rather like to hang out just with me

And he asked if I am dating anyone?

But he didn't really say anything about us moving forward apart from he said "this is not the last time we'll see each other" and he was all complemented with me and hugged me tight and said he misses me.

 

So in one night. He apologized, said he still likes me but not ready, showed attraction but then did not discuss anything about us moving forward but said he will definitely message me again soon but haven't heard from him since that meeting up.. his last text was.. "It was good to see you, I wasn't sure if I'm ever gonna see you again but guess things work out themselves, speak again soon"

 

Now Me on the other hand was left so confuse.

 

Was the meeting was just really for him to make an apology? Did he just showed up just to apologize? Like will it make any difference? Will it change anything?

 

Does he wants me back?

 

I obviously wants this guy back really bad however, he said he's not ready and I don't want to sit around waiting either ( he doesn't even know that I'm still into him) I wished I asked what does he wants from me, but I was unprepared and speechless as I did not expect we'll talk about it.

 

Should I just leave it and make him do the work, cos if he really likes me and would like us to continue what he had then he would make an effort? And maybe sort out his mess with the girl to be with me?

 

But then if I won't let him know how I feel then he wouldn't know? So maybe he'll think that I'm not into him? And won't do anything?

 

I've been thinking.. I'm now 34 and the last long term relationship I really had was 3 yrs ago, I've had a short term relationship last yr and it didn't work because of lack of communication and it was always me that was reaching out and that was one of the reasons to why I ended what I had with this guy cos of the communication issue. I don't get Easily attracted with anyone as well and it's very rear for me to feel something...I've had so many people that I've let go that caused me pain purely because of my pride.

 

I want to tell this guy how I feel so at least he'd know whether or not he'll acknowledge it BUT a the same time I'm worried to do it in case that will scare him off and it might push him away specially he said he's not ready yet?

 

What should I do?

 

I appreciate your advice.

Link to comment
Sounds like he came back for an ego boost. He didn't care back then hence the behaviour and now just wants your attention. Why are u talking to him? Have some self respect. He doesn't want you back, he just wants to know u still like him and can give him attention.

 

I'm talking to him cos it has been five months since we ended what we had and I have moved on and the meeting up was I thought was just a friendly met up. Hence I was unprepared when he brought up about what happened to us. I like him still but I did not tell him that and he doesn't know. I did not flirt and My conversation was friendly and never talk about my feelings nor my love life, and responded "yes" to his questions if I was dating. Just because I'm meeting an ex with just a friendly intention made me disrespectful of myself? Are exes can't be friends?

 

If I met up with him and pour my hearts out and beg, had sex- then that's for me self disrespect.

Link to comment

In between all the fluff and apologies, he still said he's not ready.

That's all you need to know

Not - Ready.

 

It doesn't make him a bad guy. You only dated for two months and an ex showed up. It happens all the time. Bad timing. Not ready then, not ready now.

 

Don't waste your time trying to decode this.

 

If someone is ready, interested and fully available, you'll know. And they wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

 

He may be back. But don't give any value to someone who keeps saying maybe every 5 months.

Link to comment

I think if you cut through the BS he said, he's telling you that he doesn't want to date you. He's sitting right in front of you, so obviously he's not going to just come out and say it and be impolite. But if you read back what you wrote, he's telling you no.

 

A relationship is a two-way street. It's not enough for you to want him, he has to want you, and he doesn't want you.

 

You know, dating is a numbers game. You have to go through a number of people to find two people who click together. Forget about this guy and look for someone else. Just because you haven't been in a relationship for a while, doesn't mean you have to pursue the first person who walks by.

 

You talked about a communications problem and that after two months you just ran out of conversations. You just might not have been compatible. You need to find someone who is interest in the same things you are, then you will have plenty to talk about.

Link to comment
I think if you cut through the BS he said, he's telling you that he doesn't want to date you. He's sitting right in front of you, so obviously he's not going to just come out and say it and be impolite. But if you read back what you wrote, he's telling you no.

 

A relationship is a two-way street. It's not enough for you to want him, he has to want you, and he doesn't want you.

 

You know, dating is a numbers game. You have to go through a number of people to find two people who click together. Forget about this guy and look for someone else. Just because you haven't been in a relationship for a while, doesn't mean you have to pursue the first person who walks by.

 

You talked about a communications problem and that after two months you just ran out of conversations. You just might not have been compatible. You need to find someone who is interest in the same things you are, then you will have plenty to talk about.

 

I'm not sure if you've read the whole thing.

And you're analyzation doesn't make sense!

Why would you assume "He doesn't want to date YOU" why would you single pointed ME??did you not realize that I haven't communicated with this guy? And that I did not give any indication that I want us to date again? Never have I mentioned to him that I am hoping for something or that I still have something? All he knows was that.. I cut him out because I wanted out 5mos ago! It was just out of the blue that he brought up what happened and apologize even though I did not mention anything about us?!

 

Did you even read why after 2mos the communication faded? There was a reason why it gone slow?

 

My point of mentioning not in a relationship for a while it's because I made decisions and let go of people because of my pride!

 

Now reason why I mentioned about pride- it's because I have questions Wether to contact him or leave him alone.

 

Sorry man- appreciate your reply but I don't think you understand the point of my long story :)

Link to comment
In between all the fluff and apologies, he still said he's not ready.

That's all you need to know

Not - Ready.

 

It doesn't make him a bad guy. You only dated for two months and an ex showed up. It happens all the time. Bad timing. Not ready then, not ready now.

 

Don't waste your time trying to decode this.

 

If someone is ready, interested and fully available, you'll know. And they wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

 

He may be back. But don't give any value to someone who keeps saying maybe every 5 months.

 

 

 

This makes a lot of sense. I thought because I did not message this guy for a while and he showed up telling fluffy things he would like to rekindle what we had but he seems confuse and it's no good to be with a confuse man. You're right! He wouldn't risk of losing me if he is really available.

 

Maybe the apology was really just an ego boost.

 

Thank you

Link to comment

airlee, I don't think he came back seeking attention; I think he came back to explain because on some level he's been struggling with the break up too, even though he knows his behavior, not being ready and lack of commitment warranted it.

 

And he probably felt guilty about that so returned to ease his own conscience under the guise of caring about you (even though you showed no indication that you still cared about him).

 

I've had that happen to me too, and yes it IS confusing. Cause your like, WT*, why did you come back only to leave again? Why not just leave well enough alone for heaven's sake, it's mind boggling and again, very confusing. And hurtful.

 

He may have met someone else and in order to move forward with her, he wanted to clear the air with you first, but who knows.

 

I am only speculating but when men return after months, for the sole purpose of explaining or apologizing, but NOT with the intention of reconciling with you, it's to ease his own conscience and alleviate his own guilt for any hurt he caused you.

 

So HE can move forward. It's actually quite selfish.

Link to comment

They come back cos they feel guilty and cos they want to see if you'd bite.

 

It happens all the time, and I have been in his position. It says nothing about how he feels towards you, more about where he is in his own life. Obv the thing didn't work out with his ex and he's more down about that.

 

He doesn't want a relationship that's why he's said all this mumble jumble. If he did, his behaviour would have been diff.

Link to comment
I'm not sure if you've read the whole thing.

And you're analyzation doesn't make sense!

Why would you assume "He doesn't want to date YOU" why would you single pointed ME??did you not realize that I haven't communicated with this guy?

Sorry man- appreciate your reply but I don't think you understand the point of my long story :)

 

You wrote: Few days ago he messaged me and we met up for a drink, I thought it's just a friendly catch up and it didn't occur to me that he's gonna say something about us in the past as I wasn't planning to discuss about what happened to us either.

 

Your question was whether you should go after this guy. I'm saying his whole speech to you was why he doesn't want to date you. That's your answer. He doesn't want to date you. People always say we can still be friends. It's not to hurt the other person. I'm saying you should not take this as an opening to hang out with him and try to restart things. You are only going to get hurt again. He only felt guilty and he might have some other agenda. That, I think, is the answer you need, maybe not the answer you're looking for.

Link to comment

I think he came back out of guilt. He must have cared for you at the time. Shut you off and felt terrible for treating you that way.

 

In a way it's cruel as it has opened up old wounds again.

 

If you can see yourself being friend with him then why not? But it sounds like you are more emotionally invested in him which could lead to disaster and heartbreak.

 

He is clearky not ready! It's unfair to string you along on "dates".

 

Honestly get out there and don't put you life on hold.

 

Be polite to him if he messages but don't drop things for him. You carry on your life!

 

By time he is ready for a relationship hopefully it will be too late for him to try with you. As hopefully you've moved on and found someone who is ready and wants to be with you.

 

Live your life. If you think emotionally you are fine to talk to him from time to time then do so. If not then remove yourself from the situation.

 

Good luck x

Link to comment

The bottom line is, he said he is not ready.

 

It sounds like he wants to string you along, make you want him but not actually date you. Make sure you're an option but only bother with you when he is lonely or out of other options.

 

After everything he said, he still says he is not ready to date and doesn't want to date you.

 

I don't think you need to know more. I think to keep yourself from getting hurt again, you should leave things be.

It would have been different if he told you he realized he loved you and wanted you back, but he didn't.

 

He told you he was sorry but he does not want to date.

 

I think that's how you should take it. Closure.

He gave you his explanation and that's it.

 

Maybe the whole thing was to just ease his conscience and nothing more. Either way, if you want a man who is serious about dating you, this isn't the man.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he got dumped or is having a dry spell. He wants to continue a no strings thing he has before where he fades in and out when and if he feels like it and keeps you on a string.

 

Hearing from someone you dated briefly is never good news. He just wants a warm body to take up space until he gets back with her or again finds someone else. Cut him off and move on, unless you are on board with fwb, hookups, no strings etc. If you want a real bf, get rid of this guy..

To my surprised he explained himself about what happened before and said he still likes me, but not ready to date anyone

I asked if he is still with the girl, said they're not together anymore and that he really cared for her

Link to comment

Hi friend, it seems as if he's not a good fit for you. I don't think it's necessary for you to share your feelings because he's not ready for a relationship. Plus, that'll hurt even more as you 'hopefully' wait for him to change. You deserve a man that's ready for a committed relationship and not playing games with you and other women. I know it's hard to walk away when your feelings are involved, but it'll save you from a lot of pain in the future. I am praying for God to send you a good loving husband. He did it for me! I've been where you are before. Although it hurt to end the relationship completely, I am grateful to be with a man that's READY!

Link to comment
airlee, I don't think he came back seeking attention; I think he came back to explain because on some level he's been struggling with the break up too, even though he knows his behavior, not being ready and lack of commitment warranted it.

 

And he probably felt guilty about that so returned to ease his own conscience under the guise of caring about you (even though you showed no indication that you still cared about him).

 

I've had that happen to me too, and yes it IS confusing. Cause your like, WT*, why did you come back only to leave again? Why not just leave well enough alone for heaven's sake, it's mind boggling and again, very confusing. And hurtful.

 

He may have met someone else and in order to move forward with her, he wanted to clear the air with you first, but who knows.

 

I am only speculating but when men return after months, for the sole purpose of explaining or apologizing, but NOT with the intention of reconciling with you, it's to ease his own conscience and alleviate his own guilt for any hurt he caused you.

 

So HE can move forward. It's actually quite selfish.

 

 

 

All I know is that he's apparently not with his ex, they will never be together but they both cared for each other. So yeah, you may be right, he's may be dealing with something with this woman and possibly would want to know if I'm still into him so he can use me as his rebound. The way he said he's not ready to date... Maybe he was hoping I would bite and would go on no string attach dates , hooking up which is nope definitely not! However, I sometimes think that maybe I'm just thinking too much and maybe he wants me back but just caught in a messy situation and maybe if I tell him what I really feel then maybe he'll realized and would do something to sort his mess out?

Link to comment
All I know is that he's apparently not with his ex, they will never be together but they both cared for each other. So yeah, you may be right, he's may be dealing with something with this woman and possibly would want to know if I'm still into him so he can use me as his rebound. The way he said he's not ready to date... Maybe he was hoping I would bite and would go on no string attach dates , hooking up which is nope definitely not! However, I sometimes think that maybe I'm just thinking too much and maybe he wants me back but just caught in a messy situation and maybe if I tell him what I really feel then maybe he'll realized and would do something to sort his mess out?

 

Uhm...no. If he was into some big fix in order to return to you, he would have said so. He's a grown man and doesn't need you to coddle him into saying what's on his mind.

 

I'd skip this, and there is no way I'd chase after him.

Link to comment

airlee, before you go reading something sinister into his motives or casting him into the role of "the jerk," are you familiar with the 12 steps of AA Recovery?

 

Two of those steps are:

 

Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

 

Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I don't know anything about him, if he has/had a drinking problem or is otherwise in some sort of recovery, but even if he is NOT, he may still have wanted to apply these steps to his life, for his own conscience and growth as a decent respectful human being. And yes, it could really be that simple.

 

He knows his behavior toward you was hurtful during the RL, so he returned to acknowledge, apologize, make amends.

 

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Best to stop overanalyzing and overthinking. He acknowledged how his behavior was hurtful to you and apologized.

 

Let it go.

Link to comment
airlee, before you go reading something sinister into his motives or casting him into the role of "the jerk," are you familiar with the 12 steps of AA Recovery?

 

Two of those steps are:

 

Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I don't know anything about him, if he has/had a drinking problem or is otherwise in some sort of recovery, but even if he is NOT, he may still have wanted to apply these steps to his own life, for his own growth as a decent respectful human being.

 

He knows his behavior toward you was hurtful during the RL, so he returned to acknowledge, apologize, make amends.

 

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Best to stop overanalyzing and overthinking. He acknowledged how his behavior was hurtful to you and apologized.

 

Let it go.

 

But it's not about his apology is in question? Is what he said after the apology that is mind boggling?

He was complementary and flirty which I did not put up.

He Asked if I am dating anybody

Said he still likes me

Said he would like to continue what we had

That we will meet again

But then said- not ready

 

Why would he say all these? I wasn't flirting or showing any indication I would want us to date again, all I did was listening to what he was saying, I was surprised and speechless, I didn't see it coming.. it was such a mix emotion, one point I was happy (as I secretly hoped we'd get back and hoped he would make a move) then next minute, I was confuse and disappointed.. I regretted that I didn't ask why he was telling me those! This is why.. it's bothering me that's why I wanted to ask him.. this is the reason why I'm here.. to get an opinion of wether or not I should contact him and ask for clarification or should I just leave it? Or should I just tell how I feel? I dunno!

Link to comment
Buttered you up as a potential bedmate. Nope. Pass. Red Light. He's lame.

 

 

But main reason of his apology was to let me know that back when we were dating.. his intention wasn't hooking up (he said this because, this is what I said to him before when I broke up with him)

 

So it doesn't make sense if he apologize and clarified that hooking up wasn't his intention before but then wanted to hook up now? I'm confuse.

 

My main question really to why I'm here is ..

 

Should I let him know how I truly feel? or should I at least tell him that I am upset that he dug up old stuff and now I'm back to square one? Or just leave it, but then I don't really have peace of mine.. I think I'm being too nice! I did not say anything before about his behavior because I just ended it maybe I should say something now?

Link to comment
The bottom line is, he said he is not ready.

 

It sounds like he wants to string you along, make you want him but not actually date you. Make sure you're an option but only bother with you when he is lonely or out of other options.

 

After everything he said, he still says he is not ready to date and doesn't want to date you.

 

I don't think you need to know more. I think to keep yourself from getting hurt again, you should leave things be.

It would have been different if he told you he realized he loved you and wanted you back, but he didn't.

 

He told you he was sorry but he does not want to date.

 

I think that's how you should take it. Closure.

He gave you his explanation and that's it.

 

Maybe the whole thing was to just ease his conscience and nothing more. Either way, if you want a man who is serious about dating you, this isn't the man.

 

I think so too. But do you think it's worth asking than guessing and analyzing it?

Why would he say other things apart from the apology if he's not interested? He should of have stopped after he said he's sorry but he didn't he carried on and said other things?

Link to comment

He sounds really conflicted airlee, my darling brother is just like this too, so I know what signs to watch out for.

 

It honestly doesn’t sound like he’s grooming you to be some sort of occasional booty call or stringing you along otherwise he would have set something up when he saw you. Not just left it.

 

I think on one hand he misses you would like to start something again, but on the other hand, his anxieties/fears (commitment issues?) prevent him from moving forward with it.

 

So he tosses out all these conflicting messages, not to confuse you even though it does, but because HE is confused/conflicted himself!

 

Seriously airlee, let it go. Guys like him will drive you literally crazy (he already IS!); they are so chock full of mixed and double messages, it’s really best you take steps to extricate this man from your heart, mind and your life.

 

I don’t think he’s a bad buy per se, just confused, conflicted, messed up and if you’re not careful, he will mess YOU up!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...